Chapter 13

PLEEEEEEASE REVIEW. She cried over his weakened body for a few minutes holding his hand in hers and whispering over and over again, "James please wake up; I need you…I need you." She didn't know what to do; he was breathing shallowly and she knew apparating him with an unfamiliar wand could seriously harm him, possibly kill him, in the state he was in. His face was completely white due to the amount of blood he had lost and she knew he was close to death; would she have time to get any help from anyone? She had to do something but the tracker spell on James' wand would still be working and if she left then they might come and find him; they also had the invisibility cloak so she couldn't even hide him while she made it back to the Burrow.

She glanced around frantically for anything that might be able to help but she was surrounded by rocks, trees and grasses, nothing at all of any use and she was almost ready to give up. Staring down at her husband, who she had told only days ago that she didn't need anymore, she thought about her life without him; a life that was stretching out in front of her and she couldn't bare it. If James died now a part of her would die too and she wept more prickling tears as she convinced herself that it was going to happen; she could feel all her hope trickling away and she allowed it to happen. As her body fell back over his and she allowed more sobs to escape she suddenly felt James' hand move in hers and she gasped loudly; he was still there; there was still time; all she had to do was get Harry or Ginny and…and…

Standing up resolutely she wiped her eyes and looked down at the wand in her other hand; concentrating hard, she pointed it at James and whispered a concealment spell she remembered from her schooldays and was amazed when his body suddenly shimmered out of sight. It was a short charm and would hide him for only minutes but it might be enough time for her to get to the Burrow and back and she found herself praying that it would last. The determined woman took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she apparated away from the highland thinking hard about the Burrow; seconds later she landed in the huge cluttered kitchen and heard shrieks and cries from different ends of the room.

"Holly!"

"Merlin!"

"Where's James?"

She took in the room quickly and saw dozens of sets of eyes staring at her; most of Ginny's brothers and their wives were there along with Salamander and James' brothers; and sat by the side of the fire looking beside themselves with worry were Harry and Ginny. "Holly," the latter shrieked standing up and walking over to where she had just appeared; the girl looked dishevelled and her mother in law saw she had been crying, "why did you go? What happened? Where's James?"

"No time to explain," she breathed. "Harry," she continued turning her attention to the man now standing behind his wife, "I need you…you have to get James to St Mungos. I can't do it; they took my wand," she explained holding up the rather thin and brittle looking one she had stolen. "Where we got married; now," she screamed not taking in any of the other people as she watched Harry turn on the spot and disappear. She followed suit without offering any other answers and found herself back on the windswept outcrop where Harry was frantically searching for his son. As another pop indicated that a second person had joined them Holly pointed her wand at the place where she had left James and released her breath when his limp and weakened form came into view.

"James," whispered the voice of the newcomer who shot forwards in his direction as Harry kneeled down to lift him up.

"It's sectumsempra," Holly told him before turning to look at Ginny, "is he…still..?" she asked looking back."

"He's breathing, just," Harry said as he prepared to apparate away to the hospital. "I'll see you there," he said to both trembling and terrified women and they nodded their heads in unison as he disappeared from view.

The serene blue waiting room at the hospital did nothing to calm anyone, least of all Holly, who was still blaming herself for not watching Isabella, for not waiting for Harry and for pushing away the man in the room nearby who was fighting for his life. What had even possessed her? Now she could not for one moment understand why she had said those things to James and all she wanted was to be able to take them all back. The healers had worked on him for an hour sealing up the wounds, bathing and dressing them and feeding him blood replenishing potions through a tube pushed down his neck. She and his parents had been made to wait in the supposedly relaxing room where the auxiliary healer came every fifteen minutes to update them on his status.

She had explained everything to Harry and Ginny over the hour not looking either of them in the eyes as she tried to hide her guilt; if she had just been patient and waited for Harry then James might have been safe; right now they did not know if he was going to live or die. Back at the Burrow Ron was watching over his wife who was still unconscious but apparently fairing better than she had the last time she had performed the wand tracker spell. Luna was tending to her needs so Ginny could be at St Mungos and Holly was feeling as guilty about James' aunt as she was about James. They had sat in silence for the last twenty minutes, since the auxiliary had come to say they were having trouble with the tube which would give James the blood replenishing potion, and Holly had spent the entire time pacing up and down while the other two stared out of the window holding hands.

Holly envied them the comfort they found in one another; the person who usually gave her that comfort was the one fighting for his life and she longed for his touch to help her through. He had always been there for her; at the birth of all their children, holding her hand and willing her through it; when she had almost lost Isabella on their wedding day, getting her to safety and waiting until she was well. It stabbed at her heart to think she had pushed that away; to think that she has told James she didn't need that support when she knew wholeheartedly that she did. He had been there again for her when Isabella was taken; there to help find her, but also there to comfort Holly, putting her above his own grief, as always. Why had she let him take that away? His absence had been difficult and she had made herself go on without him but she knew she was wrong now, the thought of losing him was unbearable for herself as well as the children and Holly knew that if she didn't get a chance to take it all back it would haunt her for the rest of her life.

"Mrs Potter," a voice said and all three heads turned to look at the matron healer who had entered the room this time.

"What's…what's going on?" she asked in a quiet terrified voice.

"We have managed to get enough potion down Mr Potter's throat to make him more stable and his wounds are completely sealed now. We have cleaned them but will need to check for infection," she continued as Ginny nodded her head knowingly. "All we can do now…is wait," she finished solemnly. "Your husband has suffered serious injuries Mrs Potter, and will need time to recover; we are hopeful about his prognosis but we cannot rule out anything yet I'm afraid." Holly nodded at the woman smiling sympathetically in front of her and then turned to Ginny and Harry.

"Can we see him?" Ginny asked.

"Yes," she replied, "but not too many at once!" She smiled knowing the Weasley and Potter families well; as the hour had passed other members of the clan had turned up to see what was happening and were sat out in the hallways waiting patiently.

"Holly?" Ginny asked breaking the silence which had stretched between them for so long, "Do you want us to wait or come with you?"

"Wh-what?" she asked in shock.

"Do you want to see James on your own first?"

"I…I…yes," she admitted knowing she couldn't bear to be in his room with them at the same time while James' life still hung in the balance, "but you…you go first."

"No, Holly," Harry answered stepping forward. "He is your husband, no matter what has happened recently," he added, a comment which stabbed at her heart like a knife but she knew he had not meant it to. "We will wait here for a while; come back when you are ready."

"Th-thank you," she replied as she took tentative steps towards the door where the matron was still stood with her hand on the doorhandle. Ginny and Harry smiled at her as she walked out of the room and followed behind the healer dressed in royal blue robes.

She paused by the door to James' room and turned to look at Holly, "Mrs Potter your husband is still very pale at the moment and his breathing is being monitored by a sensor which will emit a high pitched noise should it change. He also has a tube in his throat which we need to leave until he is awake so we can feed him the blood replenishing potion. I am only telling you this so you are not too alarmed when you see him," she added with a smile and Holly tried to return it but ended up grimacing instead. "You can go in," she added opening the door for the bereft looking girl who slowly entered the room and then gasped.

James was almost as white as the Hogwart's ghosts; he looked frail and weak and Holly's heart ached for him; he had always been so strong and fit, even when injured before, and Holly could hardly stand to look at him in this way. He suddenly looked older and his jet black hair only highlighted just how pale his face was due to the serious loss of blood. The sensor on the bedside cabinet was whirring round like a sneakoscope and Holly imagined that it worked in much the same way; but apart from that there were no other noises in the room; even his shallow breathing could not be heard as it was so weak. The tube protruding from his mouth looked ghastly; there was a cap on the end of it which was closed but it looked so unnatural sticking out of his mouth and Holly wanted to rip it out there and then.

It was a few minutes before she approached the bed and reached out tentatively for his feeble, white hand which was cold. She held it in her own and looked down on the father of her children holding back yet more sobs which were trying to fight their way out of her body. "James," she whispered as she sat down in a chair by his bedside, "I'm so sorry."

She sat for fifteen minutes just staring at him and rubbing his hand trying to make it warmer; the sensor whirred away to itself in a repetitive pattern and Holly just listened knowing that as long as it whirred he was still breathing regularly, if a little weak. "I don't know if you can hear me James," she said eventually in a mouse like voice, "but I need to say this; I have to tell you that…that I made a mistake." She sighed and closed her eyes before continuing, "I was stupid James, so stupid and I don't even know why I pushed you away. I was wrong when I said I didn't need you, I do need you and the children need you too. And…and you have to stay with us; you have to come back to us or at least back to them if you can't forgive me. Please James," she begged, "please come back to us. I can't live my life without you in it," she sobbed dropping her head onto his chest and squeezing his hand. "I-" But she was cut short as a high pitched alarm sound suddenly began and her head shot up and turned in the direction of the sensor on his bedside. A silver ball on the top was spinning madly around while the shrill piercing noise screeched out of a hole which had appeared in the top; Holly jumped to her feet and looked down at James' chest which had suddenly stopped moving. "James," she screamed as the door burst open and a team of healers came rushing in, "James!"

The auxiliary healer grabbed hold of Holly and tried to move her out of the way but she fought against him pushing herself against his bed until he finally shouted at her and said, "Mrs Potter, you must give us space to work on your husband, please. If you won't leave the room then at least stand out of the way." With an almighty push he moved her back against the wall where she stood staring in abject horror at the lifeless form of her husband who was being stripped of his bedclothes by a healer in pale blue robes.

"He's not breathing," the matron healer said as she placed her head against his chest to listen for his heart.

"There's no pulse," said another one who had her fingers against his neck. "Start CPR," she screamed as the matron healer lifted her hands and placed them over his chest.

Holly stood back and watched; to her everything seemed to be moving in slow motion as the matron started to pound on James' chest with her hands and another healer blew into his mouth intermittently. All noise seemed to drain away from her and become clouded as she stared ahead, tears falling furiously down her face. She screamed his name over and over again but it seemed muffled in her head as she just focused on her husband and when nothing seemed to be changing she ran forwards, pushing the auxiliary out of the way, and grabbed hold of James' hand, "Please James," she sobbed as a pair of strong arms grabbed her from behind, "don't leave us…don't leave me."

"There's still no pulse," the healer who had been breathing into his mouth called out. "Start compressions again," she added.

"Get her out of here," the matron healer screamed at the auxiliary as Holly tried again to grab hold of her wilting husband.

"No," Holly shouted back, "No…I have to be here; I have to be with him if…if…" she could barely contemplate the idea never mind say the actual words but as the tears continued to fall she felt her body weaken and the auxiliary healer managed to pull her away from the bedside and in the direction of the door.

"Mrs Potter," he said in a calm but firm voice, "you have to let us work on your husband; he is in good hands and the healers will do everything they can but you have to wait outside or you could get in their way."

"But…but…" she sobbed; however he was stronger than her now and while the sobs wracked her body the man managed to pull her from the room into the hallway where streams of Weasley's and Potters were stood whitefaced and anxious staring at the doorway she had come out of.

"What's going on?" one angry voice demanded but Holly did not see who it was as she sagged against the wall gasping for breath and crying hysterically. An arm came out to her, a comforting arm which enfolded her swiftly as she sank down to the floor; her legs could not hold her up anymore as she contemplated a life without James. As her head was pulled against the chest of her comforter she screamed out her husband's name and then cried into it with heartwrenching sobs which were echoed along the hall by the various members of the clan who had gathered together.

She could feel the body of the person holding her shaking up and down and as she gradually allowed her sobs to recede a little she realised that she was not alone in her grief. Lifting her head up she peered into the face of her father in law who was now on the floor with her rocking her slowly and listening to the auxiliary who was trying to explain what had happened. "Mr Potter has gone into cardiac arrest," he began and everyone in the hallway gasped. "The healers are performing CPR compressions on him and he is in good hands. The matron will come and see you all as soon as she can; until then you must wait out here and let them do their job," he added before turning back to the door and disappearing inside again.

"Holly," Harry said soothingly in a strong voice which she knew he was putting on, "what happened?"

"I…don't…know," she gulped between the sobs which she was attempting to control. "He…he was breathing shallowly but then…I was talking to him; I was asking him to…to," she looked up at her father in law with wide eyes, "to forgive me and to come back to us; but…suddenly the sensor on his bed started screaming and he…he'd stopped…stopped breathing," she cried as fresh tears fell down her face. "Harry what if…what if he…" she stared at him with wild eyes, "and I don't ever get to say that I'm sorry; that I didn't mean any of it? That I love him and…and I need him?"

"You will Holly, you will tell him," he said adamantly as he glanced at his wife who was being comforted by Charlie Weasley. She was staring down at her husband and daughter in law as tears fell silently down her face and remembering the day she had received news that Harry was missing and presumed dead. Ginny Potter had hoped that a day like that would never come again, at least not until they were old and grey, but now it felt like it had; and though it had felt like the worst moment of her life, hearing the news that her son might be about to die in the next room felt even worse. Harry watched her sympathetically knowing that she needed comfort from him too but she shook her head to say that Holly needed it more, she remembered.

"But if I can't I'll never…never forgive myself; I need to tell him; he has to know how much I love him," Holly sobbed again.

"Holly, he knows," Harry said in his strong voice. "Trust me, he knows and he understands Holly; if…if the worst happens then-" but he was cut short by the gasp which ran down the hallway. Staring up at their faces he saw that they all looked above his head and he and Holly turned their own heads to the doorway behind them where they saw the matron healer in her royal blue robes looking back at them all with a grave face.

"James," Holly sobbed before the healer opened her mouth to speak.