Chapter 4: The Rise of Gao- The Power of Football (the Football that involves mostly kicking) Part II
Dongjing, Third Age Year 1927
In a split second, Gao considered his options. He could let the ball hit him, fall down and proclaim how strong the Crown Prince was. Then he would most likely be whisked away for castration. Or, he could...
With the spot between his foot and his ankle, he caught the ball as if his left ankle were a hand. Quickly lifting his left foot in the air, the ball rose airwards again. This time he moved his body as he headbutted vertically on the falling ball. The ball moved up again, its rotation slowing, and Gao angled his body so that it would flow down his back towards his right heel, like a marble rolling down a hook-shaped slope. Amidst the 'oohs' and 'aahs', once the ball reached his heel, he kicked vertically with his right heel, sending the ball skyward again. Timing the impact with precision, Gao spun 180 degrees and kicked the falling ball straight into the raised hoop's net.
Not once did the football hit the ground. Stunned silence greeted a very happy Gao… who became unhappier and more panicked with each quiet second.
He was about to prostrate himself on the ground and beg for forgiveness when the Crown Prince began clapping, a wide grin on his face. The football club also began clapping, and the Chief Eunuch himself clapped with the same grin, though his eyes were closed.
"Good... Very good! I am pleased to have met such a talented football player. It seems the realm has been blessed with your ability, Gao."
"My Lord praises me too much, for you are much greater than I," responded Gao, bowing again.
"Ha ha ha!" laughed the Crown Prince, and his facial expression became a little more serious, "though I do not think you are fit to be one of The Emperor's eunuchs... Stay your ketou! Before you ask for forgiveness let me continue.
"A eunuch would have let the ball hit them; you did not. Instead, you showed your supreme talent for football. I am impressed. So impressed that I would like for you, Gao, to be my retainer."
At once, Gao prostrated on the ground, forehead touching the floor, saying, "your servant is not worthy. Not worthy of this honor. For you are-"
"Please stand up and do not assert that I am generous and wise. We are not holding court right now and you do not need to practice the official decorum. The formalities can be ignored for what I would hope to be a prosperous friendship."
"Then what would you like your servant to do, my lord?" responded Gao, bowing.
"It is a simple action, really, one you can easily do," the Crown Prince said, "just say yes."
"Your servant accepts your gracious offer. Your highness is generous and wise" Gao squeaked, bowing again, "your servant accepts your lordship's offer, your highness."
"Excellent! (Though we do have to get you out of that practice.)" said the Crown Prince, clapping once. Everybody else clapped multiple times, including the Chief Eunuch, who still had a grin on his face but his eyes were still closed.
"There is one more thing," the Crown Prince said once the clapping stopped, "I wish to bestow upon you a new name. A given name, to signify the glorious day of our meeting that will be recorded in the annals of time."
Gao prostrated himself again, stating, "your servant will accept any name that your lordship grants me."
"That is settled then! Henceforth, your name shall be Gao Qiu. Your family name will be Gao, and your given name will be Qiu."
"Thank you, my Lord. Thank-"
It was at that point that Gao looked at some of the group who were trying to hide their sniggers, the Chief Eunuch who had his eyes closed but a twitching smile on his face, the smiling Crown Prince, seemingly unaware of the... entendre of the name, then the football itself.
Qiu (球) meant "ball."
Gao Qiu... Gao the Ball.
"Huh?"
After successfully convincing the Crown Prince to keep the name "Qiu," but to change the written character from 球 ("the character 'ball' has the word for king on the left.") to 俅 ("since your servant is a mere man, please use this written character, as the left part means 'man."), Gao Qiu felt vindicated by his new position. It took much longer than he wanted, three years since that bumpkin ruffian illiterate scumbag ruined his life, but finally, he had a job he deserved in the Eastern Empire. Though he knew that he was in the pit of snakes known as the Imperial Court, he was quickly understanding what to do and how to navigate the politics of the Eastern Empire.
His new residence was inside said Court, between the first and second gates. Perhaps one day he would obtain enough influence to become a magistrate, minister, or even the Prime Minister. No need to take the Civil Service Examination, so long as the Crown Prince was healthy. Much of his time was spent in the Imperial Football Club with the Crown Prince, which vied for contention among other Football Clubs in the Champions League of the Realm. There was no conflict of interest in having the Crown Prince as a Club member because The Emperor (when he was not coughing) said so. In Gao's spare time, he would converse with the Crown Prince on art and poetry, sharing ideas and opinions on their respective works.
Still, he could hear people on the outside, those insipid gossipers and urban riff-raff, whisper and call him "Gao the Ball." Eventually, this led to a most fortunate reunion...
"mmmph mmph ...me in! mmph roomph ummph," a high-pitched voice said.
"I said humphoo fmmph, Gao said ruffoo roof you mooph ummph eeth" Gate Guard 1 responded.
"Yeah, what that guy said!" reiterated Gate Guard 2.
"MMPH! Mmph roomph mmph!"
At this point, tired of not being able to understand what was going on, Gao slid the door open and exited his residence. A commotion was occurring outside the gate, interrupting his analysis of the scouting report on the Cangzhou Iron Lions Football Club. As he walked closer to the gate, he could discern more of the noise.
"You're the fifth person this week claiming relation to Gao Qiu. Nice try 'Lau-rel.' Now scram before we use force!"
"But I ammm related to Gao! I'm the real Yanny!" responded a very familiar high-pitched voice, "No! Unhand me; let go! Don't touch me!"
At that, Gao Qiu sprinted towards the gate, pushing it open, seeing two guards each holding on to one arm of a person he had not seen in over three years. It seemed the group did not perceive the gate opening. Yanny, his niece, had grown taller, losing much of the baby fat (malnourishment?) and appearing slimmer. Her hair was now in an elaborate bun with pink and white flowers attached to it. She had curled eyebrows and wore bright pink, her favorite color. Gao also happened to notice two missing teeth in her mouth as she was shouting.
So it wasn't baby teeth then! That bumpkin ruffian illiterate scumbag street peasant permanently mutilated his niece! If he had known then he would have told the gate guards (who now had Yanny pinned to the ground) to check for missing teeth!
"Enough!" yelled Gao before they could truncheon Yanny, "I will determine who this person is."
Of course, Gao knew who she was. He did not want to discourage the gate guards, though, as he also gave them each a copper coin for doing their job. He had other reasons though to not identify this person as his niece yet.
The pair walked through the gate, with Yanny catching up behind him, turning around to blow a raspberry at the guards, sleeves billowing as she ran with arms out.
"It's really-"
"No talking until we get to my house," stated Gao as his steps quickened. There was a pause, but he heard her follow him as they entered his residence.
Once he slid the door closed, he saw a pouting Yanny saying, "mmmph, don't you recognize your niece, Uncle?"
Gao folded his arms on his chest. "What are you doing here? How did you find me?" he bemusedly asked.
"Well, I was in the outlying farms, milking cows, picking herbs, and I heard a rumor of a person named 'Gao the Ball' entering the Imperial Court as their new football player. I knew of only one Gao who could-"
"Why are you dressed like this?" Gao asked, changing the subject and not wanting to be reminded of his new nickname.
"Eh?"
"Do you know that there have been so many men and women dressed as low-level courtesans waiting outside the Imperial Court?"
"Huh? What?"
"You could've been used up and thrown out like a rag after the officials were done with you. Seen it happen more than once."
"But... I just-"
Gao interrupted again, "this isn't the Imperial Court of children's tales, Yanny. There are wicked people here. Not as wicked as that country bumpkin (you know who I'm talking about), but selfish and greedy ones."
Yanny's mood instantly soured as she clenched her fists, "I'll remember that bumpkin for the rest of my life! We should go out and-"
"This isn't a safe place for you!" Gao barked as he slapped a desk with his hand, causing Yanny to step back. Gao closed his eyes, sighing, then he spoke with a little less haste, "I told you not to associate with me anymore. You will be in more danger the more you hang around here."
At this, she grew more animated, gesturing to her torso, "I'm not a kid anymore, uncle! I can take care of myself; I have been taking care of myself. It'll be like the old days but better since we have actual guards and soldiers now! Now everybody can and will listen to us. I will have all the shark fin soup and roasted geese that I could ever desire!"
"But Yanny, weren't you doing well for yourself in these 3 years?" Gao asked.
She looked at him as if he said the Earth was flat, "NO!"
"shhh, the walls have ears."
"No!" Yanny screeched more quietly, sounding like a bird, "I mean just look at me!"
"You look a lot healthier and hale than last I saw you," he commented. Yanny's cheeks were more angular, her torso a little bigger, and he could see good angles from her waist to her hips, "I daresay we can get a matchmaker for you now in a year or two."
"No no no!" quietly yelled Yanny, closing her eyes and getting redder in the face, "my fingernails! My hands! I still have blister scars on my feet! I'm tired of milking cows and grabbing up weeds, getting kicked by goats and pecked by mother hens. Why is it so hard for them to let me have their eggs?! Why do cats always ignore me! Why are cows never in the mood to give out milk? Why does it always rain when I don't want it to rain and it doesn't rain when I want it to? Why is it so cold in the winter and so hot in the summer?
"I'm tired of working in the fields, Uncle! I need to stay with you. Uh… huh… uhooohooohooo."
With that, Yanny began audibly weeping, got on her knees, and ketoued towards Gao Qiu, "I'll-hic! do anything."
Gao Qiu sighed, rubbing his temples. He turned around, pacing a little as he thought of what to do.
"There is a way," began Gao Qiu.
"What is it-hic! Uncle?"
"You are to become my adoptive daughter. You shall be named Gao Yannei, and I can petition the Crown Prince to have you under my protection for the foreseeable future. What do you think?"
Yanny (soon to be named Gao Yannei) gasped, crawling towards her uncle (soon to be her new father), hugging his ankles.
"Yes! Of course, Uncle... I mean, Dad. Screw that other Dad anyways, loafing about, drinking all day..."
"Yes yes," responded Gao. There were tax advantages too for this, but he was not going to let her know that lest she misunderstood.
"Now... Gao Yannei, let me begin by telling you what to say to the Crown Prince. You must do..."
"It is good that you are adopting this Gao Yannei, Gao Qiu," the Crown Prince said, his focus on the Minister of the Treasury's report on the economic ramifications of paper money. The Dwarven minister (Dwarves were perfectly fine with the whole Eunuch situation as they hid their women and understood that not every human palace has a hidden cave system) had handed it to him for review before it would be sent to The Emperor.
"Your servant thanks you for your praise, Your Highness."
"Yet I was wondering why you have not sired any biological children of your own. There are more tax advantages to this, my retainer, as you may or may not know."
"Your servant sees that your wisdom is high indeed, Your Highness. But if you permit me to say that due to, and I apologize for my language, an attack from a dastardly... bumpkin... ruffian... illiterate... scumbag... troll-headed... maggot infested... stinky... street... peasant has rendered me infertile."
"Sad," commented the Crown Prince with a frown, who was circling the terms 'hyperinflation,' 'legal tender,' 'banks,' 'fiat,' and 'backed by valuable metals.' He paused and looked Gao in the eyes, stating, "well I do hope that you bring this person to justice eventually."
"Your servant humbly thanks you, Your Highness."
"And when will you speak to me like a normal person? Why not call me Zhao Ji, my birth name? Are we not friends?"
"Your servant wishes to do so, but the walls have ears."
"Indeed they do, indeed they do," conceded the Crown Prince.
Dongjing, Third Age Year 1934
And so seven years passed. The Emperor died at the age of 23 of an unknown and fell respiratory disease. Rumors were that he forgot to send the Birthday Gifts to the Agricultural (and thus, Calendar) God Mairon.
That deceased Emperor's name became Emperor Zhezong. Emperors only got their official names after their reign. After all, since there was only one Emperor, that meant that their name didn't really matter until a new one came along. He will no longer appear in this work. The Emperor is dead.
There was much sorrow. Everyone in Dongjing wore white, as white symbolized death. The streets were filled with weeping. the economy went down temporarily, and all labor ceased in order to observe the proper morning period for the ruler. It is said that the most remembered thing about him was that he coughed all day, was bedridden most of the time, and ultimately did not really do anything of note that was not done before.
The Crown Prince now became The New Emperor. Long live The Emperor. Everything went back to normal, laughter returned to the streets, and the Eastern Empire avoided a recession.
The Crown Prince's first decrees were the following:
"The Emperor has arrived!" proclaimed the Chief Eunuch towards the massive assembly.
Every important minister, general, and government figure prostrated themselves and touched their foreheads on the floor. They wore the traditional red outfit for the government official. Their red hats were shaped like miniature thrones on a cylinder, with rigid flaps extending from each side. The Emperor meanwhile, wore the traditional red and yellow embroidered outfit befitting an Emperor. His hat was similar, but the rigid flaps were longer.
To a person who never saw those hats before... they could also be used to distance themselves from other people.
"May the Emperor live up to 10,000 years... 10,000 years... Ten thousand 10,000s of years," the government chorused.
As always, the Elven scribe twitched.
"Please be seated," the New Emperor commanded.
"Thank you, your highness," the government chorused, each person taking their respective seats in the Imperial Assembly Hall.
"The Emperor has proclaimed," the Chief Eunuch said, pulling out a woodblock scroll, and reading directly from it, "that from today forward, so long as our ruling family remains on the Eastern Empire's throne, there will be no more new eunuchs."
Silence ensued in the hall as only the frenzied scribbles of the Elven scribe were heard, a smile appearing on her face.
"The Emperor has also proclaimed," continued the Chief Eunuch, whose expression was stony, "that due to the untimely death of our previous Grand Marshal. The Emperor has appointed Gao Qiu as the new Grand Marshal."
There was silence for a few seconds. Then immediately, there were whispers among the government officials. Among them, one of them stood up and walked briskly until he stopped at a distance directly from the New Emperor and prostrated himself, forehead to the floor. His beard was graying; wrinkles were appearing near his eyes.
"You may rise," the New Emperor said.
"Your highness, your servant would like to know the qualifications of this 'Gao Qiu' and why that person is now our new Grand Marshal."
"Objection!" shouted a fellow with a long beard, "you dare question our Emperor?"
"Now now," responded the New Emperor, "we will answer General Huyan Zhuo's question. Within only seven years since Sir Gao has been in my employ, Gao Qiu has proved their worth fighting corruption. Your new Grand Marshal discovered that the Champions League, the realm's football league, had a conspiracy of high corruption within all the clubs besides the Imperial Court's Club, which had none. They accordingly arrested each of the club's owners; along with every single player; seized all of their wealth, boomed our economy, and executed all the offenders combined with their families. After all, football, being a military sport originally, falls under military law.
"Does that answer your questions, General?"
"Your highness... this," began Huyan Zhuo, his graying eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
"Out of order! You dare disagree with The Emperor?" shouted the fellow with a long beard.
"Tong Guan, the military is a grave affair of the state. Decisions should not-!"
The New Emperor, nonplussed by the pair's disagreement, gave a friendly wave at the objecting general, "we understand your reservations, General Huyan. The affairs of the military are indeed the affairs of the state, but perhaps you may discuss this matter outside of this meeting. For we will begin our next item on the agenda.
"Chief Eunuch, please continue."
Huyan Zhuo hesitated as he stood up. Then he briskly walked back to his assigned seat.
"Ahem. The next item on our list is the economics report from the Minister of the Treasury," stated the Chief Eunuch.
"Please rise," the New Emperor stated, "and detail to us the current inflation rate and the updates on the value and collection of our various taxes..."
Thus began Gao Qiu's time as Grand Marshal, the head of all military forces in the Eastern Empire. He was answerable only to the New Emperor himself. His first action was to use his influence to have Gao Yannei be appointed as the Minister of Flowers.
His second...
"Give this man 20 log strikes to the back!" Gao Qiu ordered as the guards seized an older man who vaguely resembled him.
"Un...grateful... Un... ugh... filial... whelp! No... son... of mine," Gao Qiu's Father uttered, spewing out words after every strike. Soon enough, blood began soaking the back of his shirt and a red drool started pooling onto the ground below.
"I agree! Make that 40 strikes!"
The Elven scribe recording the judgment shook her head.
"You like food huh? Well, I command you to eat this mantou that may or may not be poisoned!" Gao decreed towards the person who rejected his competitive eating application.
The Elven scribe recording the judgment shook her head.
An old man with a cane, his hair and beard white as snow had appeared before the summons. It was Su "Dongpo" Shi, who once again got in trouble with the government and served time in jail. Time did him no favors, and the scholar was nearing the end of his life.
"Master Su Shi, time has not treated you well," Gao said, shaking his head in pity, "but I remember how you focused on the beauty of my essay, though the content may not have been to your liking.
"I will ensure you and the rest of your line will have every need paid for, and your family will never be in poverty. The Empire thanks you for your service."
Su Shi dropped his cane, and at once, shaking, went to his knees and did his best to prostrate before Gao Qiu.
"Lord... Lord Gao. This honor... I cannot repay," the former statesman said, bowing toward the Grand Marshal. Gao Qiu motioned for his guards to help him up (and return his cane too).
"The honor is the Eastern Empire's. Farewell!"
The Elven scribe had a quizzical expression on her face, unsure what to make of this.
"Old Boss. I order you to make me a family seal, made out of whatever material suits a Grand Marshal. You shall be compensated accordingly."
The Elven scribe recorded the proceedings without much of an expression.
Soon enough came the first mass military assembly meeting introducing the new Grand Marshal. The military had its own Assembly Hall fashioned in similar architecture to the Imperial Court's. It was on an artificially elevated part of the city where officials needed to climb multiple flights of stairs. Two lion statues, each crushing a baby lion in one paw and a football in the other, greeted the visitors as they entered the building. There was not much of a line queue as there were three entranceways. The only people allowed to carry weapons inside were the Grand Marshal and the guards.
Gao Qiu awaited all of the generals, army instructors, and head constables. Many of the generals had ridden in from abroad, so the new Grand Marshal was eager to make a good first impression. In particular, he wanted to meet with the Head Arms Instructor, Wang Jin, as that person's handwriting was quite deplorable and he could barely understand her reports. Regardless, she was widely respected so that was yet another person he needed to make a good impression on.
Gao Qiu was no fool. The military was not one he could bully about. For, even though the New Emperor was on his side, nothing exactly prevented an unfortunate "accident" requiring a new Grand Marshal.
Those thoughts went out the window when he saw her enter the building.
The back fist to the face… The hit in the solar plexus… The slaps to the face… The punting of his crotch… All the pain, the years of suffering and disappointment, rushed back to his brain in an instant.
He saw red.
Rising and pointing towards the middle entranceway at a wide-eyed Wang Jin, he yelled, "EXECUTE THEM!"
Who in the world is 'them?' and why is there no such thing as 'he' and 'she' in the Empire's verbal language? Read the next chapter to find out.