Lost Chapter 1: Breathe Me

Can you lose a lover you never had?

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

1 month ago...
***She moved in a haze through the precinct, not seeing anything but Sonya lying there. Dead, but still warm-eyes staring up at something unseen. She should have done something. Sonya would still be alive if she'd acted faster. She wasn't paying attention and walked into a hard surface, but suddenly, strong arms were around her, rocking her gently back and forth and stroking her hair. She choked on a sob and let the tears fall into his shoulder as she breathed in that scent.

"I should never have left you, Liv, but I'm here now. I'm here and I'm sorry," he whispered and pulled her closer. She wanted to remain in those arms forever, and as she slowly uncoiled herself from her haven, her body screamed at her not to. But she had to give her statement. She had to face IAB. She cast her curly hair in her face so he wouldn't see her tears and she lightly cupped his cheek in her hand.

"I'm so glad you're back," she murmured and forced herself to hold in her next wave of tears until she was out of the squadroom.

"Liv...what separates us from our victims is that we can walk away..."

Walk away.
Walk away.

She looked up at him sadly. "No, I can't."

Walk away.
We can walk away.
Walk away...****

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

"Elliot cleaned out his locker and submitted his resignation papers. He's gone." Olivia's brain wasn't processing what he'd just said.

"No...he isn't gone. If he were gone, he'd have said goodbye. Said goodbye to me. He took a few days off," she replied quickly, almost pleadingly. He wasn't gone. He'd walked out on their partnership before, but he'd never walk out on SVU.

"Elliot's not coming back. It's time to let him go and you can start by packing up his desk. We're not keeping it as a shrine." Olivia barely heard her captain's words. She couldn't just pack up his things! What if he came back? No...there was no if. He would come back. Or she wouldn't be able to handle it. He'd said he wouldn't leave her again.

Olivia sighed and got up, thinking that if she didn't answer, maybe she wouldn't have to do it. Although if anyone did...it should be her, she reasoned.

"Liv," he growled sternly and she turned back around, careful to keep her posture and tone even, after all, she was fine.

"Yes, Captain?"

"Your...new partner should be in later today," he said this carefully as if afraid she was going to freak out. What he didn't seem to realize was that she had every right to.

"How the hell could you do this?"

"Liv I-" He tried to break in, but she cut him off.

"He's been gone five days and you're...already replacing him? Did Elliot even matter to you? No, because we're all expendable, right?" Olivia spat, not caring if he suspended her. She didn't want a new partner. No one could be Elliot. Cragen didn't yell. It was in a way, worse because he looked at her with the saddest eyes she'd ever seen on him.

"You and Elliot were the best team I ever had in this unit. We're not going to have that again and I don't expect you to jump at the chance to have this new guy sitting at the desk across from yours, but we're short staffed and besides that, we all need to start moving on. Your pain isn't going to go away over night, but you can't let your victims suffer because you aren't focused. Now, please give Nick and Amanda a chance. He wouldn't want you to lose yourself." She knew he was trying to remind her to do her job in as gentle a manner as he could, but she felt herself getting angry again-dangerously close to boiling over.

"What, am I running a day care center here now, Captain?" she hissed and locked him in a glare, letting him know that she wasn't going to stand for this three ring circus that was formerly SVU. He didn't stand up, just remained sitting somberly at his desk.

"Elliot trained you and didn't say he was running a day care center. He gave you a chance and our new detectives deserve that same level of respect and professionalism. Liv? It's going to be okay. Really, it'll be okay."

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe


Olivia sighed and clutched the cardboard box tightly to her chest. The box that she was about to fill with Elliot's things, as if they were old trash. She started on the files and paperwork from old cases. The impersonal things. It didn't bother her as much because Elliot had always hated paperwork. No, it didn't start to get to her until she started on the pictures. There was one of a younger Elliot with a young Maureen, Elliot and Kathy with Eli on his first birthday, and...in a silver frame, the picture Fin had taken of Elliot and Olivia at the precinct Christmas party last year. She was wearing a red cocktail dress and Elliot an emerald green sweater. Their arms were around each other, her hips resting gently against his side. Olivia traced her bright smile and wondered briefly if she'd ever smile like that-like last year, when her most pressing issue was caring far more than she should for a married man. A drop of water spattered against the glass and she looked around, wondering where it had come from, until she felt the salty liquid brimming around her eyelids. She never cried and wasn't about to now. She needed a hot cup of tea, to curl up in bed...no no...what she needed was Elliot Stabler, her best friend. She imagined that any minute now, he'd walk in complaining about the traffic he'd gotten stuck in. Now, the squadroom seemed empty. She was so lost in her daydreams that she didn't know her new partner was behind her until he tapped her shoulder. She jumped, startled, and turned around.

"Olivia Benson? I'm Nick. Nick Amaro, your new partner." He wasn't terrible. Average height, tan, shaggy dark hair, and dark eyes. He looked like he'd be imposing, but he didn't have Elliot's arms-she couldn't imagine this new guy ever holding her, at least, not like -he- could. Olivia held out her hand for him to shake.

"I'm Detective Benson. Welcome to SVU. I trust you've already heard the spiel about this department, but I'm going to refresh your memory. Want to be a hero, work in armed robbery or emergency response. Want to have glory and big busts, then you belong in Narcotics. If you want dead victims, go to Homicide. In SVU, most of our victims are alive and seeking justice for their pain. When we see dead victims, they're brutally mutilated in ways you can't imagine. Things not even Homicide could handle. This job...is not for the faint of heart," she explained in a hard, firm voice. She reminded herself hauntingly of Elliot on her first day.

"I understand that, Detective," Amaro replied solemnly. At least he knew to take it seriously. Now came the hard part and she forced herself not to visibly flinch. You're stronger than this, she told herself.

"You'll be sitting...here. At this desk," she said shakily. Nick smiled and put his black briefcase down on the desk. On Elliot's desk.

"Look. I'm sorry about your partner. Were you guys close? Must be rough..."he said and Olivia had to remind herself that he was just trying to make conversation, be friendly. He wasn't trying to hurt her.

"Yeah..."she murmured, nodding blankly and looking through him. He smiled warmly at her.

"It's hard now, but it'll be okay," he said and Olivia felt bile rise in her throat. Looking around, she spotted Fin re-entering the bull pen. She turned back to Nick and put a hand on the side of her head.

"Okay, so...you can get settled. Detective Tutuola can answer any questions you have tonight, and...I'll see you in the morning," she said and walked away before he could say anything.

"Fin. Could you finish up with Nick? I'm not feeling that great, I'm going to leave a little early," she murmured and averted his eyes to avoid that sympathetic glance. But she knew it was there. She knew that he knew that physically, she was fine. She felt a hand close over her shoulder.

"It's going to be okay, Liv," he said, and she just kept walking. Heel-toe. Heel-toe. Shoulders back. Head high. She was getting damn tired of the pity. The "it'll be okay"s. Sure, she would survive, but nothing about this was okay. She sure as hell didn't need their wasted pity.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Olivia unlocked her apartment door and slipped inside, not bothering to turn on the light. She wanted to feel alone with her pain. She slipped off her black leather shoes and slumped back against the wall, wrapping her arms around her knees and pulling them close to her.
She let her fingers fall over something on the floor-a folded half sheet of paper that had evidently been slid under the door. She picked it up slowly and unfolded it with shaking hands. Somehow she knew.

" We had a good run, but you will be a great detective on your own. It'll be okay.

Goodbye, 'Livia

-E"

It was like a damn broke. Right there in her living room where Elliot had once held her, tough as nails Olivia Benson cried and cried.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up

A/N: Shoot me a review, please and let me know what you think =)