Lost Chapter 2: 21 Guns

A/N: Thanks for the reviews It be chapta time again! I almost hate to admit it, but I kind of like the Nick Amaro character-and Liv is definitely more well suited for a male partner. Rollins annoys me, though...

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside,you're in ruins

About 11 years ago...

***It was shortly after they'd been partnered up and she was already being stalked by a man who'd gone to prison for a rape he didn't commit. He came out with a vengeance for the cop whose testimony helped put him away.

Elliot frowned and sighed, running a hand frustratedly through his hair. "I didn't tell you about the detail because I knew you'd refuse," he said finally. Olivia continued to stare at him in disbelief.

"Only the rat-squad puts cops on other cops, Elliot, without telling them. I deserve better than that. Especially from you," she hissed sharply in reply. She couldn't remember having ever been so pissed at her partner. He had absolutely no right to do this without telling her-she was a cop, not a child. Elliot sighed again and gave her a sympathetic look that made her want to punch him.

"You've been under a lot of stress lately..." That did it.

"I've always backed your play!" she exclaimed angrily and started down the front steps into the night.

"And I did what I had to do. The guy's murdered four people, what's to stop him from coming after you, Olivia?" He called after her and she turned around slightly to cast him one last cold look over her shoulder.

"If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one."

Get a new one.
Get a new one.
Get a new one.

Olivia didn't want a new partner, despite how many times she said she did when she was mad at him. She wanted Elliot and no one else. ***

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I ...

She punched the familiar number into the phone and listened to the comforting sound of the dial tone. Somehow, she'd managed to hang on to a faint hope that he'd actually answer and this, she clung to.

"The user you are trying to reach is not available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone." As she heard the monotone, robotic female voice, she realized it would have been too much to ask for his voicemail to have been in his own voice. The voice she desperately needed to hear. She barely waited for the shrill ding before she started talking.

"El...it's me, Liv, but you probably already knew that. Cragen told me today that you turned in your shield and I just wanted to say...that I'm sorry-for anything that ever went wrong in our partnership. I'm sorry I always picked fights with you. I'm sorry if it seemed like I didn't trust you, because ironically, you're the only person I ever trusted. You're the only person that knows about...my family and the way my -father- was. You were so much more than a work partner to me. You were like the protective, nurturing parent I never had. You told me I was worth something—did you know you were the first? You were my confidant and you were...no, -are- my best friend. I still remember when you told me that just because my parents were the way they were didn't mean I would turn out the same way. You said that it's not all about nature and nurture...that I could rise above because nothing is black and white. Did I rise above anything or am I just as screwed up? But I'm getting off topic-I'm supposed to be apologizing, at least, that's how I justified calling you. I'm sorry for the way I acted about Dani. I crossed the line and the things I said were immature and unnecessary, it's just that when I came back and saw her...sitting at my desk and she said "I'm Elliot's partner, Detective Beck," I was...angry. I'd been replaced, you can understand that, right? And then you...were holding her...and kissing her and I couldn't control myself because...in case you haven't noticed, I...no, maybe I shouldn't say anything. I'm sorry I bothered you. Enjoy your retirement, you deserve it. I...I love you," she finished gently, unable to keep her voice free from the emotion that threatened to overtake her completely.
She ended the call with a tap, but there was no call to end. She looked at the phone screen where a flashing message was displayed. "Your message could not be saved." And just like that, her world came crashing down again. She'd finally poured her heart out and he wouldn't hear a single word of it.

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last, you're in ruins

Olivia slowly got up off the floor and gripped the wall with one hand to steady herself. She couldn't see. Could barely breathe. She felt as if she were coming down with the flu and she moved through her apartment in a dazed fog before finally collapsing on the couch so that she wouldn't pass out. Deep breath in and out, in and out. She didn't have enough left in her to cry anymore. It was like her brain shut off and instinct took over. Comfort. She needed comfort…but from where? Warmth. Warmth would bring comfort. She pulled the flannel blanket she kept there around her, kicked it off, and then nestled into it again. She didn't know if she wanted to be warm or cold-hell, she didn't know anything anymore.

Did you try to live on your own?
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died, you're in ruins

Her cell phone rang, but she didn't know if she had the energy to answer it. It kept ringing and a small part of Olivia's mind reminded her that it -might- be Elliot, though she knew it wasn't. Her desire bested her and she slipped the phone out of her pocket hoping to God that what she saw on the screen was the word "Stabler," but it didn't. Incoming Call from Fin Tutuola. Then from Alex. Then Cragen. Couldn't they see she needed to be alone? Olivia ignored all of them and continued her act of lying on the couch in her dark living room, staring up at the ceiling. Finally, she turned the phone off and tossed it across the room. Only when she heard the battery pop out the back and clatter against the floor did she feel any better-but it didn't last. The loneliness washed over her like a tidal wave.

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

A/N: sorry that was a little short-please review and tell me what you think :) Your suggestions are always welcome