"I'm sorry, Commander Cole, Mrs. Cole," The doctor said. "There isn't a heartbeat and the ultrasound shows nothing."

No heartbeat. It felt like my own heart had stopped beating. Tears rolled into my hair as I lay on the examination table. My hands rested limply over my womb. The baby was dead. My baby was dead. I would never get to meet them now, I'd never know if they were a boy or a girl, what they would look liked or what they would sound like. I'd never get to hold them. Mrs. Cole cried out.

"How soon can we try again?" The Commander asked.

"The bleeding should stop completely within two weeks and fertility should resume about two weeks after that. The miscarriage is progressing normally, so no medical intervention should be necessary. It'll be alright, Mrs. Cole," the doctor added after a particularly loud sob. "Fertility increases after miscarriage, you'll most likely have another baby in the next few months. Keep trying is the best thing you can do at this time."

Keep trying. More Ceremonies. The thought was a fresh stab to my heart. It wouldn't work, not unless James found me alone again. But I couldn't tell anyone about that.

The car ride home was quiet, only punctuated by Mrs. Cole's sobs and Commander Cole's occasional comforting words to her. When he tried to reach out, she pulled away. No one bothered to pay me any attention except James, who shot me meaningful smirks in the rear view mirror. I flipped him off when the Commander and his wife weren't looking.

Maria, Anne, and the extra Martha's borrowed for the preparation were busy cleaning up the remains of the party when we got home. Anne shot me a sympathetic look while Maria hid from the Cole's. Drained, I went to my room and slept.

A bucket full of freezing water woke me up the next morning. Mrs. Cole's face hung inches above mine, her face pink and teeth bared. "Get up, you slut." She yanked me out of bed onto the floor. "Get up!"

I scrambled to my feet as she kicked my cramping stomach. "Mrs. Cole, I'm-"

"I didn't give you permission to speak!" She shrieked, hitting me over and over, one hand clenching my hair in a fist. She dragged me over to the bathroom, the tub was full of water.

"How could you do this to me?" She sobbed. "After all we did for you, after we saved you from such a sinful life, we treated you like family, it's so much worse at other houses, and yet you do this to us? How could you give us a child then rip it away in front of all our friends?"

She dunked my head under the water. I thrashed, but her rage made her strong. Just as my lungs were about to betray me, she pulled me back up. I gasped for air, then she plunged me in again, then again, then again.

I'm going to die, I thought. The old vulture is going to kill me.

She didn't plunge me in again, but held me hovering over the water. Droplets of blood formed pretty pink ribbons pulling apart in the water. I half-gasped half-sobbed for air, my vision swirling.

"What you did is unforgivable," Mrs. Cole hissed in my ear. "But I'm a reasonable woman. You get one more chance to get pregnant, you hear me? One more Ceremony week. If you aren't pregnant by then, I'll kill you. I'll have your mouth stapled shut, your hands cut off, your eyes plucked out, and then I'll kill you. Do you understand me?"

"Please, Mrs. Cole, I'm trying. I really am trying, I just need-"

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!" she bellowed.

"Yes, Mrs. Cole," I replied.

The fist gripping my hair released me. My head slammed against the porcelain tub. I was too stunned to react as blood gushed from my forehead into the tub. I heard the door slam shut behind me.

Someone was screaming in the distance. I couldn't tell who it was. I didn't care. I just wanted to sleep. I was going to die anyway, Mrs. Cole would kill me. Wouldn't it just be better to die now when it was cool and quiet and soft. A hand shook my shoulder, I recoiled from it. Someone was speaking. I couldn't understand them. It didn't matter. Then finally, silence.

Beep…beep…beep. The sound was getting louder. I didn't like it. Everything was cold now, it wasn't quiet anymore, and there was pain. Pain in my head, pain in my stomach, pain in my chest. I thought death wasn't supposed to hurt. I thought there'd be a dark tunnel, then light, then Heaven. This wasn't Heaven. Did that mean I was in Hell?

The beeping got faster. Was Hell going to be annoying too?

Light flashed before me. I pulled away from it, going back into darkness.

"Praise be, you're awake. Glad to have you back in the land of the living," Someone said in a southern accent. Louisiana, I thought to myself.

I cracked open an eyelid. I didn't want to be awake. Life was far too disappointing.

A man was sitting beside me. My eyes shot open, I wasn't supposed to be alone with men! I cried out, and tried to get out of bed, but he pressed me down forcefully. I looked wildly around the room for anyone who could help me.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's ok. Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you, ok?" He murmured as he held me down.

It took me a while to realize where we were. This was a hospital room. He was wearing a lab coat. A doctor. The beeping was a heart monitor. One of my arms was stuck with an IV. I worked up the courage to look him in the eye. He was surprisingly young and good looking, no older than thirty, with wavy brown hair, tanned skin, and amber eyes.

"Who are you? What happened?" I demanded.

"My name's Dr. Frazier. You hit your head pretty badly. A Martha found you bleeding out on the bathroom floor and called an ambulance."

He slowly removed his hands from my shoulders, watching warily to gauge my reaction.

"It says on your chart that you recently had a miscarriage. I'm sorry for your loss. The loss of a child is always a difficult thing, especially for someone in your circumstances." He pressed his lips together in a frown, his eyes soft. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something.

"Ofmartin, is there anything going on at home that you'd like to talk about? Any depression or mistreatment by the house staff?"

"Are you serious?" I asked, a harsh laugh. "I'm a Handmaid, you know what that means."

His frown deepened. "I know your role isn't easy, it's not fair what's happened, but suicide is a serious issue, I promise it will get better-"

"Suicide?" I erupted. "You think I attempted suicide? By bashing my head on a tub? You've got to be kidding me, there are knives in the kitchen, if I planned on killing myself I'd steal one and cut my throat in the middle of the night when no one would find me. Or I'd attack a guardian and get my brains blown out, or I'd hang myself from the stairs. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't miscarried, Mrs. Cole wouldn't have…"

"Mrs. Cole wouldn't have what?" He pressed.

I shook my head. I wouldn't risk a beating.

"Ofmartin-"

"Lucy. My name is Lucy."

"Lucy, if Mrs. Cole did this to you, she will face punishment. Fertile women are rare enough as it is, to endanger the life of one is a capital crime."

"It doesn't matter. I'm the only witness. She's already said she'll kill me if I have another period, she'll surely kill me if I-"

"Excuse me, what?" He started, eyes wide.

"Never mind."

"I do mind, thank you very much. You said she'd kill you?"

I nodded.

He looked down at his hands, brow furrowed. "And do you think the Commander would let that happen?"

"I-I don't know. He didn't care about me before, but since I became pregnant he-he would tie me up, rape me, make me do…horrible things. He yelled at me when he found out, and said he'd punish me. I just-I just can't do this anymore, he can't get me pregnant, they are going to kill me, they are going to-"

"Lucy." Dr. Frazier interrupted, his voice strained. "Do you think another pregnancy would save you? Do you think it would buy you some time? Arrangements can be made to prevent the Commander's advancements while you are pregnant, and it sounds like the Wife would behave as well."

I eyed him suspiciously. He was still looking down at his hands, his jaw clenched.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that there might be a solution to your problem. But it's up to you whether you want to take it or not."

"What's the solution?"

"Do you want another baby?"

I thought for a moment, it would be selfish to bring a child into that house, to face the abuse, the corruption that was Gilead, and yet.. "Yes."

Stupid, selfish girl.

"The Commander might not be able to get you pregnant, but I can. I fathered two children in the time before. They were healthy. It will buy you a few months of safety. Once we get there, then we can plan for the long term, but I think we can manage to get both you and your baby to safety when the time comes. What do you think?"

My eyes widened. Safety? Did he mean he would help me escape to Canada? It was risky. We'd both be executed if anyone found out. Or worse, I'd be sent to the Colonies. And how was I to know whether he was trustworthy or not? He could be a horny doctor looking to get laid, or worse, was he an Eye? Was I that desperate? Was I really willing to risk bringing a baby into this hellhole if he was wrong and I couldn't get out?

"Ok," I said. "I'll do it. Bit of a problem though, I'm still bleeding. The Ceremony isn't for another month. How will I see you again? Do you work OBGYN rounds?"

He shook his head. "I'm strictly in the trauma department. Do you think you could arrange an accident on the day of the Ceremony?"