My heart beat fast this Ceremony. For once, I hardly noticed as the Commander rammed himself into me time and time again. His hands were sweaty. Mrs. Cole didn't bother with her usual moans of pretend pleasure, but was stiff and silent as a statue around me. Blood trickled down my wrists from her nails. All I could think about was what would come after. I only had one shot, I had to make it count.
Mrs. Cole pushed me off her as soon as the Commander's door could be heard shutting. Her own door slammed behind me as I contemplated the stairs before me. They were steep and made of hard, dark wood. Three stories of it. The plan was so simple in theory, but when it came down to it, my body was locked up, unwilling to commit to harming itself. I let go of the handrail and closed my eyes. Slowly, agonizingly so, I leaned forward. My stomach jolted.
Blood. There was blood on my hand. It was dripping from it onto the Persian rug. The Coles would be furious that I'd ruined it.
Doors slammed. The Commander was cursing, I heard Mrs. Cole's shrill shriek. Someone propped me up.
"You stupid bitch, what the hell were you thinking?" The Commander shouted. He was squeezing my arm too hard, then all the pain hit at once, my arm burned like a hot, serrated knife had been left inside after stabbing me. My head was splitting. My vision doubled and began to spin.
"Must've…slipped," I mumbled over a split lip. I winced.
An ambulance was called for the second time that month. I'd be on a first name basis with the drivers soon, I thought.
I was wheeled into the trauma bay. No ER waiting rooms for Handmaids, Dr. Frazier had explained. He'd traded shifts to ensure he'd be there. As promised, a pair of amber eyes floated above the flashlight shining in my face. Dr. Frazier exchanged words with someone, and we were left alone in an examination room.
"You sure do commit to an act, don't you?" He asked, sounding amused. "You know you could've faked pain right? You didn't have to give yourself a concussion."
"Pain now, talk later." I gritted out.
"Alright, point taken. I'll hook you up with the good stuff, promise."
I really overdid it a bit. I'd only managed to fall down two of the flights of stairs, but in addition to the concussion I'd broken my wrist and arm, split open my forehead again, and chipped a tooth. Dr. Frazier said there was nothing he could do about the tooth, the wouldn't condone cosmetic procedures on a Handmaid. I wouldn't have to worry about my vanity for too long if this ploy was in vain though.
When all was said and done, the doctor sat on his stool fiddling with his hands awkwardly. I fidgeted with the cloth I had tucked away up my sleeve. For all the times I'd had sex now, this was the most awkward.
"Um, I made this," I said hurriedly, thrusting out the cloth. "It's not much, but it was all I managed to filch from Mrs. Cole."
He examined the poorly embroidered pair of butterflies on an opaque makeshift cloth fashioned from a strip of curtain. I'd only picked up the hobby after the Fall when my father had told me to pick more feminine pastimes than reading and soccer.
"I just wanted to give you something, to make it special." I added when he didn't speak. I cursed myself for having made it. Stupid, foolish girl why did you have to do that? You're making this even more awkward.
He smiled faintly, revealing dimples on each cheek as he stuffed the butterflies in his pocket. "Thanks. I should've taken you out to dinner first, but here we are. I guess we should get started then, people will get suspicious if we take too long."
I nodded, hiking my skirt up and removing the baggy panties underneath. I tried not to flinch when he stuck his hand up me.
"Good news is, you are right on schedule. Now is as good a time as any to be successful." He commented.
I watched as he unzipped his pants. I'd avoided looking during the Ceremonies, and before that had even dated. I didn't know what penises looked like before this moment. He blushed and coughed uncomfortably when he caught me looking.
"Sorry Dr. Frazier, I'll stop staring." I said, kicking myself further internally.
"Don't worry about it, I suppose it's fair game considering. And please, call me Everett. It's weird enough having sex with a stranger, I'd like to be on a first name basis."
"Everett," I repeated, testing out the name. It felt right somehow.
He was much gentler than James or the Commander. He worked his way up to it, rather than forcing himself in right away, he gently touched and kissed me with permission. Every other movement or so he looked at me for confirmation. We were quiet out of necessity, but I could finally understand the sounds Mrs. Cole would make in imitation. When he penetrated, it was a warm, jittery feeling instead of broken glass shredding me from the inside. I raked my fingers through his hair, he groaned softly.
It was over quickly. We panted quietly as we dressed, our eyes never wavering from each other.
"Will I ever see you again?" I asked, feeling small.
He nodded. "I promised to get you out of Gilead and I still hold to it. We will get you to Canada, no matter what. I have connections in the bloodwork lab who owe me a favor. They agreed to forge lab results to make it look like you'll need regular blood transfusions. The Coles will have no choice but to bring you back here for treatment. I'll explain more next time. For now, gather as much information about Commander Cole as possible: connections, plans, illegal activities, anything useful.
"Thank you, Everett. For everything."
With that, I was left alone in the cold hospital room wondering how something so wrong could feel so good.
"You're in an awfully good mood this morning," Jade commented as I joined her on our daily walk.
"Why shouldn't I be? It's a warm, sunny day, the leaves are changing, and the snow has melted. Praise be His blessings," I challenged. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face.
"One of the Thorpe's' Martha's was gossiping about you this morning. Did you hit your head so hard that all the sense was knocked from your brain?"
"At least the doctor was cute," I replied.
"You shouldn't talk that way, Ofmartin," she said stiffly.
"Since when do you call me Ofmartin? Did something happen?" I asked. I tried to gauge her expression, but she turned so that I couldn't see her face behind her wings.
"There is always someone watching, always someone listening in, Ofmartin. Don't forget it like I did."
We reached Loaves and Fishes. I commented on how well stocked the store was today in an attempt to get Jade to come out of her shell. She simply responded "Praise be".
She set down her basket to examine the tomatoes. I frowned. She usually held the basket in her left hand and picked out items with the right. Then her cloak shifted as she bent down to expose her right arm. There wasn't a hand at the end of it.
I pulled her aside. Other Handmaids were staring at us. "Jade," she glared at me. "Ofmilton," I corrected myself. "What happened? You're my best friend, you can trust me. No more cryptic hints."
Jade shifted, glancing around. "Your driver, he came over to deliver a message to the Commander. He said he's seen the way we talk to each other, that it's not appropriate. He threatened me, said he'd hurt you too. He said I could buy his silence but…" she trailed off.
"But what?" I pressed. "Did he touch you?"
"Yes," she whispered hoarsely. "A Martha found us and reported us. I'm lucky there wasn't a salvaging today."
"I saw James this morning, he was still at his post."
"What?" she sounded genuinely surprised. "How is that possible? He should be on the Wall."
"Unless he's an Eye."
It explained everything: the constant stares, the snide remarks, how confident he was raping a woman right under a Commander's roof. How else could he have escaped death this time? I'd have to be more careful if I wanted to keep my hands.