That night, I brushed my teeth so hard my gums bled. It still didn't erase the feeling of him. My skin itched like hundreds of bugs squirmed beneath it everywhere he'd touched. I scratched myself raw but the pain couldn't drown out the sensation. I couldn't look at my reflection in the mirror.

Before, I could claim innocence. I hadn't asked for any of it to be done to me before tonight, but this time I'd held myself to the stake as I burned. A whore. That's all I was now. A whore selling herself to pay for her selfish acts. I deserved to suffer. I would not let myself forget what I had done.

It was a struggle to choke down breakfast the next morning. I managed to keep it down for only a few minutes before revisiting it in the downstairs bathroom. When Anne and later Mrs. Cole questioned me, I blamed it on morning sickness. Maria sniffed skeptically over her porridge, but the others seemed convinced.

Commander Cole didn't look at me as I set his breakfast before him. I brushed past him as I took my post from the night before. His knuckles whitened on his knife.

"Martha," he said, gesturing to Maria.

She stepped forward, head bent.

"Pack my things. I'm leaving tomorrow on business for a few days. And do it right this time, I don't want any wrinkles in my trousers like the last time."

"Yes sir."

Mrs. Cole's eyebrows shot up. "You're leaving? Why didn't you say something? We were supposed to have dinner at the Thorpe's tomorrow evening."

He shrugged. "Something came up, Charlene. The Thorpe's will have to wait."

Mrs. Cole opened her mouth to speak, then shut it again without a sound.

Commander Cole seemed not to notice her subdued look or how she pushed around the food on her plate the rest of breakfast. A quick peck on Mrs. Cole's cheek and he was gone.

Mrs. Cole returned to her room instead of attending to the plants inside her greenhouse as she normally would this time of year.

The rest of the day followed the usual routine. Jade didn't speak beyond the prescribed greetings during our daily shopping. Usually I would attempt to dispel the silence with comments about the weather or a weak joke to shake the glassy look from her eyes, but today my mind was elsewhere.

The Commander was leaving, and suddenly. Something was up and I needed to find out what. That few days' absence ate into my precious two weeks to gather information. If I turned up empty handed after making Everett take such a risk, I stood to lose his trust and my ticket out. Even as I thought of it my palms gathered sweat despite the chill nipping through my gloves.

Milk and Honey was buzzing with excitement as we walked in. We'd missed the delivery of a fresh shipment of fruit by mere minutes, several stands were swarmed with Martha's, Econowives, and Handmaids picking over the best of it in a pack too tight to penetrate.

I bit my cheek in frustration. At this rate I'd be lucky for the bruised, lumpy remains of such a frenzy. We shouldn't have taken the long route today.

"Blessed be the fruit."

My eyes widened as I recognized the voice. "Ofmilton?"

A flash of scarlet and the edge of a white wing appeared in my peripheral just beyond my own wings. Hands clasped in a modest knot.

"Ofluke now. Long time no see."

"I haven't seen you since your last posting, how long have you been back?"

"About three months now. I usually go first thing after breakfast, but my partner was feeling unwell so we came later."

Jade tugged on my cloak. "Come on, there's an opening for the rhubarb."

"You go," I replied. "I'll wait for the crowd to die down. I don't want to get jostled."

She mumbled something about my entitlement, but left me alone with Ofluke.

"How are you?" I asked, my mouth drying up as I remembered the last time we'd seen each other.

Ofluke sighed. "How do you think? My son hasn't been dead more than six months and there's another Commander fucking me for all his worth to knock me up again. And I never got to see him, not even the grave."

"I'm sorry, you know that right? It doesn't change anything, but I regret blocking you then."

"I know. I'm sorry I screamed at you. It was a dark time."

"When's it not?"

She hummed in agreement. "What about you? I heard through the grapevine you're pregnant. Is it true?"

"Yep. Thirteen weeks now." I said, cupping the curve of my stomach.

"Praise be! But that far along and no party? I would think Mrs. Cole would jump at the opportunity for attention. Mrs. Thorpe had one the day I reached eight," Ofluke replied.

I shuffled uncomfortably. "She did the first time. I miscarried right in the middle of the party. I don't think she's willing to risk the humiliation again."

"Ah. I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thanks."

The throng of women had dispersed by the apples so I moved in to sort through what was left. Ofluke followed suit, much closer to me than what was necessary.

"I know about Dr. Frasier," she whispered.

I froze. "What do you mean?"

"Relax, I'm the one he told you about. I know he's promised to help you and that he's the father. Now that I know when you come here, I can help pass on anything if you need. I have my monthly check up tomorrow, so there's an in. Any luck?"

I checked over my shoulder. A guardian marched by so I busied myself with the apple in my hand until he was out of earshot.

"Still working on it. The Commander is going out of town tomorrow for a few days. I don't know why but it was on short notice.

"Under His eye."

"Under His eye."

Jade seemed even more withdrawn on our walk back. She insisted we take the route along the Wall too, something we'd agreed to avoid. I tried not to look at the bodies, they were kept up much longer in the winter. She sat on the bench beside the hanging bodies.

"What's with you today, Ofmilton? You've been looking at me like you want to bite my head off all afternoon and now you're breaking our rule about the Wall." I asked. She scolded me when I used her real name nowadays.

She turned so her expression was obscured by her wings. "Who were you talking to earlier?"

"Ofluke, she was Ofmilton before you. Can't I catch up with a friend?"

"There are no friends here," Jade spat. "Only eyes watching for the slightest misstep. You know I could report you for your idle gossip?"

I clenched my fist. I fought to keep my tone devoid of emotion. "Would you do that?"

Jade huffed. "I don't want to, that's why I'm warning you, but if it means sparing myself the punishment then I will."

"Ofmilton, who's going to punish you if I talk to another Handmaid? It wasn't even gossip, I just wanted to know how she was. Last time I saw her she had a stillbirth, nothing incriminating."

"Who's going to punish me? Do you forget that I'm missing a hand because of what someone else did? Are the scars from the whipping not fresh enough in your mind? They are in mine. But I guess you could forget since you copped out-"

"Copped out?" I hissed. "I was pregnant, what was I supposed to do? Don't forget it's the reason the whipping was called off before more girls were whipped!"

Jade snorted. "Bet it's not Commander Cole's baby. Bet you slept with that chauffeur and he knocked you up. I could tell the Aunts all about it."

I shot up, my basket falling to the ground. "Why are you so intent on getting me punished? Are you that bitter that I missed a few lashes? Are you jealous that something good has come out of this shitty situation? I thought we were friends, Jade! You said we would be in this together."

Angry tears rolled down my face. Jade refused to look at me.

"Look, I'm sorry about your hand, but we're Handmaids. They'll punish us no matter what we do, there's no point in turning on one another. Mrs. Cole beat me whenever I had a period, the Commander raped me with the door open because he knew nothing would happen to him. I know I'm not the only one that's happened to."

Jade's fingers fidgeted with her basket's handle. She chewed her lip and set the basket on the ground.

"Look."

Jade pushed up the sleeve of her good arm. The skin was a collage of red, purple, and orange skin, peeling and cracked.

"Mrs. Thorpe stuck my arm in the fireplace. She wants you dead. Every week that goes by without dirt on you or the Coles is another punishment for me."

"Why would Mrs. Thorpe want me dead? What have I ever done to her?"

"The Coles are having a baby and she isn't."

I shook my head. "That's it?"

Jade pursed her lips and looked away again.

Understanding dawned on me. "You think I'm going to use this against you like you would do to me?"

Her silence confirmed it.

"Ja-Ofmilton, I have no reason to tell anyone. So long as I'm pregnant, I'm protected, but if Mrs. Thorpe really wants me dead because of the baby, I need to know unless you want to be an accomplice to endangering a child. Then you'll be killed for sure."

Jade looked around for prying eyes, then lowered her voice. I sat down next to her.

"Mrs. Thorpe was so sure she'd finally surpass the Cole's' social status if she had a baby. From what I've heard, the Commanders don't get along even if the Wives pretend to. She suspects Mrs. Cole of poisoning the previous Ofmilton's food, even had the Martha's executed."

My jaw dropped. This was the first I'd ever heard of the Martha's being killed. I racked my brains for an indication of Mrs. Cole's jealousy, any signs that she would harm the Thorpe's' child, but came up empty. She was anxious for a baby, but what Wife wasn't? Motherhood was the only purpose in life for them. Would she really try to poison Ofmilton because of that?

If what Jade said was true, then I was in danger. I couldn't just stand by even if Jade got punished as a result.

"Thanks for telling me," I said. "If she plans something, could you let me know?"

Jade rubbed her crippled wrist. "I…I'll try. But I doubt Mrs. Thorpe will say anything if she's plotting something, just stay alert."

Freezing rain pelted us from above along with a cold gust of wind. We parted ways at the gate, perhaps a bit closer than when we had set out.