I froze in place, my eyes frantically searching the dark room for the source of the voice. It couldn't be, he was supposed to be away with the Commander!

The sound of a match scraping against its box was followed by a cigarette being lit, then a candle. James was leaning against the wall. He took a lazy draw of the cigarette as he looked me up and down.

I slowly lowered my hands and placed them behind my back. I didn't know why I bothered. He'd surely seen what I was holding by now. Even if he didn't know what it was, I was done for. It was enough that I had met with someone in the middle of the night.

"What are you doing here, James? Why aren't you with the Commander?" I asked, my voice sounding much braver than I felt.

He chuckled and took another draw, letting me stew in my fear. "The Commander had another order of business to attend to. He'll be gone awhile and won't be needing a chauffeur so he sent me back. Can't have the Wife walking everywhere now can we?"

"So you think you are going to tattle to Mrs. Cole?" I challenged him. "Well you should know that I'm allowed around the house and backyard as I please. Mrs. Cole was kind enough to gift me that freedom after the last Wedding Prayvaganza. Tell her what you'd like."

James smirked and walked up to me, so close he hovered over me. He blew a stream of smoke into my face. I held my breath and did my best to hold my expression steady. The part of my brain that always seemed to wander at the worst times muttered that smoke was bad for the baby. I shoved that thought down to deal with the situation at hand.

"That may be so," he drawled. "But that doesn't explain why you're holding that bottle."

"I found it outside," I lied. "It was lying in the grass. One of the Guardians must have dropped it so I brought it inside. Mrs. Cole would be furious to find trash in her garden."

James smirked and raised an eyebrow. He grabbed my arm from behind me and pried the vial from my grasp. He held it up and shook it experimentally.

"An awfully full bottle for trash, don't you think?"

I didn't answer, my mind blank of excuses.

"And look, your little boyfriend gave you a crystal too! How cute." James snatched the gift from my hand. A perfectly clear quartz crystal. I hadn't bothered to notice what it was until James was tossing it in his hand. Then his words hit me. Boyfriend. He'd seen Everett.

"I don't know what you're talking about, James. I found that in the garden too. I don't know how it got there but I thought it would be nice to have for decoration. You can keep it if you like it so much."

Dead dead dead. I was so dead. Could I really not come up with a better cover?

James barked a laugh. "Don't play dumb, little girl. I saw you meet with that man under the tree. Are you so naive as to think a pregnant Handmaid wouldn't be followed wherever she goes? You're lucky that baby's life is so special. They'll let you live until it's born before they stone you."

I clenched my fists, my face growing warm. "If I go down, you're coming down with me. If you so much as breathe a word of what you saw, I'll tell everyone how you raped a Commander's Handmaid under his own roof. Not even an Eye would get to keep his head with such a crime."

James's leer froze on his face. "You have no proof. It would be the word of a trustworthy man against a filthy whore trying to save her own ass."

That light in his eyes, he was angry. His lips had paled too. Afraid.

I decided to push farther. "Really? Because I know a few people who would back up my claims. I think you know that too, don't you? I may be a filthy whore, but even you can't stand against several witnesses. You aren't a Commander."

I pushed him back a step. He was shocked enough to not even react to it.

"There's a simple solution, James. I don't want to die, and I suspect you'd rather not die either. If you tell anyone, we both die. If you let this go, we both live. I think the choice is clear, don't you?"

He nodded his head slowly, the color returning to his face. "You win this one, Handmaid. But I'll be keeping your little presents as the price of my silence. This bottle should prove…educational."

I bit my tongue. He was not as afraid as I had hoped then. Part of me wanted to let that vial go and let the bargain rest. Maybe I could sneak into his room when he was out with Mrs. Cole to get it back. But if he found out what it was…Besides, I needed that vial if I hoped to get anything useful from the Commander. That vial was the only shot at freedom for me and my child.

"Perhaps you'd be interested in a trade for those?" I said. My hands were numb now.

James tilted his head. "What kind of trade?"

I gave my best imitation of a sultry look. I probably looked ridiculous. "What else is there to trade?"

He smiled, ground out his cigarette on a nearby ashtray, then planted a long kiss on my lips, tracing my teeth with his tongue. I leaned into it, eliciting a groan from him. When he finally pulled back, there was a ravenous look in his eyes. "I like the way you think. A deals a deal."

He led me to his room, across the hall from Maria's and Anne's rooms. I prayed they wouldn't hear us. His room was surprisingly similar to my own, but with a gray rug, mirror, and lamp. James set the vial and crystal on his side table. I debated grabbing it and making a run for my own room, but quickly dismissed the idea. It would make too much noise, and my room had no lock. There was no other way than this. I had hardly closed the door behind us before he started stripping. I hurried to do so as well. The sooner this was over with, the better.

James was just as rough as I'd remembered. If experience hadn't taught me differently, I'd have sworn I was being shredded inside. His fingers clawed at my back leaving stinging trails in their wake. I knew his teeth would leave bruises on my breast. At least he was quiet about pleasuring himself, unlike the Commander whose every thrust was accompanied by grunts of exertion. He came much faster too, but being determined to get his bargain's worth, he took his precious time making sure he was dry for the night.

I stared at the ceiling. Fortunately James did not require much effort on my part. My mind wandered to Connor. I didn't know why. It had been months since I'd allowed myself to think of him. It was a hot summer's day in North Carolina. Our families had decided to go on a trip to the lake and he was teaching me how to fish. Both our families had just moved after the Texas bombings that had made refugees of an entire state. We thought we had seen everything. Plague, riots, war, natural disasters.

My father was giving me silent glares from his lawn chair. Ruth was stuck under an umbrella on the sand. My father said we were getting too dark spending so much time outside, it made it look like we didn't stay in the home as we ought to, that we were sluts instead. The only reason I wasn't stuck under that umbrella with Ruth was that I was engaged to Connor. Earning his affections under supervision could be frowned upon, but not forbidden in my father's eyes.

The families were chattering, but Connor and I were silent. Perhaps the official reason was so we wouldn't scare away the fish, but really we didn't need to say anything to communicate. With one side eye I could see how he was laughing inside as my father scolded my brothers for their antics. I couldn't remember if we caught any fish that day. The music on the radio cut off. We both turned to look, but no one was standing near enough to have touched it.

"We interrupt this program with breaking news. Several bombs have gone off in Washington D.C. The Supreme Court and Capitol Building have been destroyed while in session. It is unknown who orchestrated these attacks or whether there are any survivors at this time. The whereabouts of the President and his staff are unknown. A nation-wide stay-at-home order is in effect. Repeat, stay in your homes."

It hadn't felt real then. We should have been horrified, so many people dead, our government toppled in an instant. But we hadn't. We'd simply packed up our things and went home. The Sons of Jacob stepped in after that. Our families were supposed to be proud. My father and brothers served them, only to have their dreams of a "Christian" utopia realized. That was the last time things had been somewhat normal. Somehow, in the dark being railed by a rapist for a vial of medicine, it felt more real now than it had then.