Title: Artemisia Shepard, War Hero
By: Midnight Unicorn
Disclaimer: Main character semi-mine, others and places are not

Inspired by the fact that when you stand behind Joker, he amuses you

Joker hated it when Commander Shepard was stewing over something. He didn't care about it on an interpersonal level—that's what people like Ashley and Chambers and Tali were for—or worry that it would affect her in a sticky spot; he didn't know anyone who could compartmentalize and prioritize as well as Commander Shepard. No, he hated it because somewhere, sometime in a life spent primarily aboard ships she had decided that the thing to do when she was upset was hang around the bridge.

Whatever pilots had told her that was okay he hated them, too, because she completely ignored him when he indicated his discomfort. She didn't pry or question him, she hardly said anything at all in the minutes or hours spent standing over him, glaring out at the passing stars and systems.

He could deal with it when it was every once in a while. It annoyed him, but it was her ship. But three days in a row? This was ridiculous.

"EDI, what's up with the Commander?" he asked when Shepard was called away to receive her messages.

"I do not know."

"Of course you do, you're everywhere on this ship." He wished he'd thought to bring scraps to throw at her projection today. She couldn't feel it but for some reason it irritated her to no end, which means it amused him to no end. "What's she upset about?"

"I am not programmed with the ability to see into the minds of organics," she said tartly. "However, Commander Shepard has been less communicative and has taken little time to interact with the crew, which is her usual routine, since her return from Zorya. Perhaps it is because she and Garrus argued upon their return."

"Really?" Joker was intrigued despite himself. "What about?"

"I do not know. Garrus has turned off my auditory receptors in the Main Battery. I have retained visual capabilities only for some time now."

"Damn, that would have been useful."

"If you wish to restore Commander Shepard's state of mind, it is only logical that you assist her and Garrus in sorting out their disagreement."

"Yeah, yeah, I don't need to be a computer to figure out the 'logical conclusion,'" he retorted and then sighed before levering himself out of the pilot's seat. "Don't steal my chair."

"If only I could, Jeff."

Joker saw some of the navigators turn to watch him go by but they didn't say anything. It wasn't like he was expected to stay in that seat constantly and Chakwas had told him he should move around more. Shepard also eyed him curiously but he just saluted her playfully and made for the elevator. She returned to analyzing the galaxy map. He relaxed against a wall while the elevator ground its way to the next level down, hoping he didn't wear himself out with this excursion. He got grumpy when he was tired and for some reason EDI loved to harass him when he was grumpy.

More looks but no comments followed him down to the Main Battery and he almost stopped to say something but reminded himself not to waste his energy. The doors opened and Garrus turned around and looked just as surprised as everyone else to see Joker moving around.

"Yes, he can walk," he said sarcastically before Garrus spoke. "You and the Commander need to kiss and make up already. I don't really care about your lover's quarrels, but having her hang out on the bridge all the time is really damn annoying."

It really wasn't easy to read a turian's expression, especially when a quarter of his face was scarred and creepy looking, but even his tone was calm and meaningless. "That would imply the Commander and I were in a relationship, Joker."

"Yeah, whatever, say what you will—or don't, since that's what you've been doing—but everyone knows what's cooking between you two," he huffed impatiently and leaned against the door frame, taking his weight off one leg. "Honestly, I don't care, I just want the Commander to do something besides hover around the bridge. I don't know if I've ever suffered a more awkward experience in my life."

"I feel for you, Joker, really I do."

His sarcasm just irritated the hell out of Joker. "Wow Garrus, you had me fooled. I thought you'd care that she was upset. Guess you had her fooled, too."

"Of course I care," Garrus snapped and Joker smirked grimly. "But what the Commander chooses to discuss with you, me, or any other is her call." He turned back to the controls he had been fiddling with. "It's not my place to question her."

"Oh, so we're back to the obedient turian," Joker scoffed and rolled his eyes.

Garrus shot a glare over his shoulder. "What's it to you, anyway, Joker? You don't care, you've said yourself. So leave me alone."

Angered again, Joker's hands curled into fists but he resisted punching anything (or anyone). He really didn't need a broken hand just then. "I don't care what you two do or don't do, but I do care about the Commander, she saved my life." Joker stopped talking abruptly; he didn't make a habit of bringing that up.

Garrus' voice was gravely, almost kind when he answered. "She's saved all of us at some point, Joker."

He waved a hand dismissively. "Yeah, and I've pulled all of your asses out of the fire more than once. But she died to save me. I thought I'd have to live with that. So…yeah…" he fumbled for a way to end that dramatic statement and failed.

The silence stretched so long Joker was read to tear his hair out. "I'll see what I can do," Garrus finally said.

"That'd be great," Joker muttered, pushing himself upright.

Garrus looked back at him. "You know, I didn't realize the Commander and I provided so much fuel for gossip."

Joker snorted. "Are you kidding? You'd think who's hooking up was more important than saving the galaxy the way some people talk."

A/N: Thank you to Undead Fox and Lady Malice1138 for your favs, and to KP-X for the alert. Hope you're not disappointed

Scorcese: Thank you so much for your reviews. Fights happen just as surely as light, comfortable moments :3

Addendum: I have some concepts about some of the secondary characters that others may not agree with, Joker in particular, things the game doesn't take the time to address. Take this as a forewarning, if you will.