Chapter 2: Is it Moist in Here, or is it Stimpy?
The next night, Stimpy came out of the bathroom, a weird object in his hand. Ren squinted. "Ees that a pregnancy test? You eediot, I already told you to stop wasting our money! You don't have a freakin' uterus! And furthermore…" "It's not a pregnancy test, Ren! It's nasal spray." "What the heck do you need that for?" "Glad you asked, Ren." "Oh, boy. I just know I'm gonna regret this." "The air from the nasal spray decreases the amount of liquid your body produces, including- well, anyway, It'll fix my little problem." "Pfft! Leettle! That puddle last night was the size 'a freakin' Texas!" "Please don't tell anybody, Ren!" He cried. "Well, styoopid, I hate to burst yer eediotic bubble, but your wheez doesn't come up in everyday conversation. Een fact, I try to theenk of you as leettle as possible at work." "And that's why yer my best pal, Ren!" He announced optimistically. "Why?" He said flatly. "'Cuz you can keep a secret!" He gushed, hugging him. Ren pushed him off. "Alright, alright! Enough of thees mushy crap. I'm tired. Now be a good eediot and DON'T PEE THE BED!" "Duh, don't worry, Ren! This nasal spray is gonna work like a charm!" "Eef eet doesn't, I swear to God we're getting separate beds." Stimpy bit his lip. The sun rose slowly the next morning. "Oh, joy!" He leaped onto his feet. "What the?...'' There was a wet spot on the bed. He bit his nails. "Did I say 'oh joy?' What I meant was- oh, no!" He freaked out. "Uh… um… maybe I can clean it before Ren wakes up!" But it was too late. "Uh... gosh, Ren, yer up early!" He said nicely but anxiously, sweating. "Yeah, I was really thirsty. What the hell are you so freaked about?" He began to roll to the other side of the bed. "Why are you going out my side?" "Because eet's closer to the door," He said oddly. "Get outta bed on your side, not my side, please!" "Look, I dunno what the hell yer problem ees, but- oh, my god! You EEDIOT!" Stimpy backed away while Ren stomped towards him with bared teeth like when he came home from work in the Sven Hoek episode. "Now Ren, please don't be angry!" "Angry?" He said in his soft psychotic voice. "I'm not angry. Why would I be angry?" "So yer not? Phew! What a relief!" "Nope. No sir. Not angry een the least. I'M FUCKIN' PEESSED!" He screamed so loud that Stimpy's fur blew back. "But-but it's not my fault!" He stuttered back. "P-please don' make me sleep outside! I've got two more remedies! Pleeeaaase?" He batted his eyelashes that randomly existed. "Hmm. Okay. But keep een mind that I'll put a child block on Stomparoo eef these 'remedies' don't work!" Stimpy gulped. Later that day, Ren was watching TV. "Hey, dumbass, get me a beer, will ya?" "Duh, sorry, Ren, but I gotta get to work in the lab!" "What tomfoolery are you performing now?" He sighed. "Well, Ren, ya know those machines that have an alarm that goes off every time you urinate?" "No." "Oh. Well, you'll see tonight. " Later that evening… Ren came out of the bathroom, yawning. "Goo'night, St- WHAT THE HELL EES THAT?" He jumped about three feet in the air. "Ren… it's just that bedwetting alarm I invented!" "Oh, yeah. Well, how does thees theeng work, anyway?" "Well, first I adjust this strap on my groin, and when I start, um… doing my business, it'll set off an alarm, wake me up, and I make it to the bathroom! And look, instead of a regular alarm, I added a Muddy Mudskipper voice box! Obser-ruv." He pressed a button, and wouldn't ya know it, Muddy, lovely, cigar-ridden voice shouted, "Ya lousy bum! Stop pissin' on the sheets!" "How delightful," Ren said flatly. "Wait, isn't that gonna wake me up?" "Ren, would'jou rather get woken up briefly or find sprinkle on the sheets in the morning?" Ren sighed. "Carry on." "Good-night, Ren," He said in his friendly and happy voice. "Goodnight, pal," He yawned softly.
The next lovely morning, Stimpy rose up from his pillow with Morning playing. "Gosh, it sure is warm today!" He raised an eyebrow. "…And wet. Oh, my! How could this have happened?" He began to sweat heavily and bite his nails. "Maybe I can clean the sheets before Ren wakes up… uh, again. Let's try again!" But an alarm clock went off, and Ren yawned. "Oh no, that's right! Ren has work today!" "Ew... OH MY GOD, I'M LAYING EEN MY BEST FRIEND'S PEE! STEEMPY!"Stimpy shut his eyes tight with fear. "Oh, boy." Ren grabbed him by his nonexistent neck... again. He had that psychotic look in his eyes, which were blood shot and bugging out like the end of Stimpy's Invention. "Geeve me one good reason why I shouldn't go to the vet and have you neutered!" Stimpy gently removed Ren's hand from his non-existing neck. "Because that won't prove anything." He said confidently, although he was shaking with fear. "And I wouldn't do that to you! Besides…" He pinched Ren's cheek like he was a grandma. "I remember a certain someone who had the same problem 3 years ago and literally paid me not to tell anyone." Ren gasped and jumped away. He pointed like he was the evil monkey hiding in Chris's closet. "You swore you'd never speak of that!" "No I didn't. You kissed my feet and cried and begged me not to tell anyone, not even yer parents!" Ren now just had that deadpan look on his face. "Shuttup." "Oh, Ren, I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to! I wouldn't do anything to hurt you!" He hugged him. "You're the best!" "Hey, hey, hey! Get yer pee infested-self offa me! Now go take a shower and wash the sheets!" Stimpy sighed. "Okay." And he walked into the bathroom with his head hanging and his cheeks pink.
That night… Stimpy crawled into bed the next night. "Goodnight, R-" "Hey, where's yer 'remedy?' 'Cuz yer not getting' bed these easy! And I'm so annoyed that I'm gonna ignore the fact that I just made a sexual remark!" "Relax, Ren! I'm wearing a pull up!" "Oh, okay. But remember- eef thees doesn't work, BLOCKY BLOCK BLOCKY! Say bye-bye to yer styoopid baby show!" He laughed like a psycho. "Ren, I'm sleepy. Please save yer craziness fer tomorrow, 'kay? Goo'night." A fair amount of hours later… "Hey, jackass, WAKE UP!" "Wha- Ren? What's up?" "I'll geeve you a hint- the Urine Fairy flew through the window and banged yer bladder like a freaking gong!" "But-but- how did this happen?" "How the hell would I know? Now a shower and get ready to go out! We're gonna get to the bottom of thees. Ha! Bottom. Bodily humor."