Disclaimer: I think JK and Anthony Horowitz would have something to say if I said these were mine…
The blonde joke is from a friend (who is blonde, coincidentally, both physically and at heart), who got it from Twilight. Just so you know…
Ginny: Hey, Jamie, what's that?
Alex: It's called a book. That's B-O-O-K.
Ginny: Ha-ha.
Hermione: …What actually is the book? Will I have read it?
Jamie: You haven't.
Hermione: How do you know?
Jamie: It says here, look: "This book, Jamie said, is called Harry Potter and the Amazing Muggle Friends, which Hermione had never read. She was slightly shocked that Jamie was reading something she'd never even heard of."
Hermione: I... What?
Scott: Apparently it's a book of all this…
Jamie: "Scott asked Jamie about the book telepathically. Jamie replied that he had no idea what the book was, but it was pretty damn cool."
Ginny: It's rude to keep people out of conversations.
Scott: …
Jamie: "Then Matt entered the room," *Matt enters* "saying 'What the hell are you doing?'"
Matt *at the same time Jamie says it*: What the hell are you doing?
Jamie: "Hermione took pity on him, he was rather good looking after all. She explained to him about the book."
Hermione *blushes*: Um… Yeah… the book is about us and right now…
Jamie: "Matt blushed too, and then he said 'Are you going to keep doing that?'"
Matt *at the same time Jamie says it*: Are you going to keep doing that?
Jamie: " 'Yes', replied Jamie. And then Richard entered the room with a slight hangover, thinking deeply about a few hot young women he'd seen the previous night. He blushed when everyone looked at him, and left the room."
Alex: I've had enough of this.
Jamie: "Alex said, and reached forward and grabbed the book-" Hey! I was reading that!
Ginny: We know.
Alex: "Alex read the book, and decided it was an annoying load of crap. And chucked it out the window."
Jamie: I was enjoying that…
Alex: We weren't.
Jamie: Oh Alex, I skipped ahead and found when you die.
Alex: …
Alex: Great…
Jamie: Yeah… You get in an accident.
Alex: I don't-
Jamie: There's a motorbike involved.
Alex: -Really-
Jamie: And a gas truck.
Alex: -Need to-
Jamie: And you'll be sixteen.
Alex: -Know-
Jamie: And five months and two weeks and a day.
Alex *sigh*: -…when.
*Scarlett and Ginny look at each other*
Ginny and Scarlett: FUNERAL PLANNING!
Alex: …
Matt: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Alex: …
Ron: Ooh, don't know.
Matt: Shine a torch through their ears.
Ron: Hah!
Alex: Hilarious.
Ron: Haha, you're blonde.
Alex: You have this incredible ability to state the obvious. You could totally get a Ph.D. in that, no problem!
Matt: Yeah, and you'd fail miserably, you blonde idiot.
Alex: This idiot saved the world about seven times.
Ron: Are we really going to get back into the I've-saved-the-world-more-than-you argument, again?
Matt: Shut up, carrot.
Ron: Hey!
Alex: How very cutting.
Matt: Yeah, well how do you drown a blonde?
Ron: Oooh, I know this! Agumenti?
Matt: …
Matt: …Put a mirror at the bottom of a lake…
Ron: Ohh… Hey, that's funny!
Matt: Yes, it was meant to be.
*Alex sighs*
Alex: What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
Matt: I dunno…
Alex: A black-haired guy who's told too many blonde jokes.
Matt: Was that a threat?
Alex: Yes.
(Suggestion from Stewie! Sorry, it kind of failed xD)
Jamie: So you've time travelled too?
Hermione: Yes, with a Time-Turner. Really effective.
Jamie: Hah! Time-Turner? How pathetic!
Hermione: And how would you do it then?
Jamie: Simple! Get shot and follow an eagle.
Hermione: …
Hermione: What?
Jamie: Uhuh. Worked perfectly. Only… getting shot did sting a little.
Hermione: A little?
Jamie: Yeah… can you imagine a small metal thing smashing into your arm at, like, 300 miles per hour?
Hermione: Actually at 3, 355 mph.
Jamie: Whatever. So imagine it. And then imagine it on your back. Hurts, don't it?
Hermione: Yes… I'll stick with my Time-Turner.
Jamie: Eh… Pathetic! A little pain never hurt anyone.
Hermione: …
(Suggestion from FrauKan!)
Jack: So I took over from Molly, and decided to cook myself!
Alex: Hmm, don't look quite done yet. Still moving.
Jack: …
Jack: I made your favourite Alex, sushi!
Alex: Oh joy.
Scott: Sushi?
Hermione: Raw fish.
Scott: …Mmmm…
Ginny: It is actually quite nice.
George: Where are the house elves?
Jack: Are you implying there's something wrong with my cooking?
George: …I would never be so cruel.
Fred: But I would. Jack honey, you are lovely and all but this looks disgusting.
Jack: Honey? And why is it just 'lovely'? What about stunning? Beautiful?
George: Jack, you are completely gorgeous. With beautiful hair. You look really hot.
Alex: Are you hitting on my housekeeper?
George: Depends.
Alex: …On?
George: Whether she's taken or not.
Alex: …
Fred: Oi! Where are those bloody house-elves?
Dobby: We are here, good sirs-and-misses.
Jack: Who are you calling Miss?
Ginny: But you aren't married.
Jack: He just assumed I wasn't married!
Dobby: Dobby is very sorry, mistress, only Dobby saw that mistress had no ring on her finger.
Jack: …
Jack: So, Dobby, how are you today?
Fred: Dobby, get your little gang to make us a decent feast, will you?
Dobby: Dobby would be delighted.
Fred: ...So would Fred.
Hermione: Fred! I don't believe you! How dare you mock the house-elves?
George: Yeah Fred, they've got enough problems.
Dobby: No sirs, Dobby is very much a happy elf.
Fred: There we go! Now Dobby, a feast is in order!
*Magical feast is made*
Jack: Alex, you'll try my sushi, won't you?
Alex: …I did.
*Nudges Ron*
Alex: Didn't I, Ron?
Ron *full mouth*: Yeh yeh, 'e 'id.
Alex: …
Alex: See?
Jack: *Sigh*
Harry: Jack, nothing against your cooking and all, but I really think sushi should be left for the cats…
Fred: I've a better use for it.
George: …Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Fred & George: FOOD FIGHT!
Harry: …
Matt: …
Scott: …
Jamie: …
Scarlett: …
Alex: …
Ron: …
Hermione: Oh dear God.
(Suggestion from FrauKan! Again!)
Teacher: Right, as a fire precaution, we need to practise lining up.
Alex: …
Teacher: So height order, everyone! Tallest as the back, shortest at the door.
Alex: You know, I fail to see the logic in height order when there's a fire. Do taller people burn slower or something?
Tom: Tough luck, Davey.
(Tallest kid in class – Davey): Yeah, but at least the fire-fighters will be able to see us.
Short kids: …
Tom: You'll be sorry when you hit your head on the top of the door and die when you can't get out before the fire gets you.
Davey: …
A/N: As always, review and suggest guys! Sorry it's a little shorter xD
Eh… I'm sorry guys… These keep getting longer and longer and I hate the long ones! They aren't funny! I need mini one-liners… Help?
And now, I know there were a few suggestions I haven't used, but I'll be using them in the next one. (Yes, another is planned xD).
Until the next,
Cait
x