Parody No. 10!
I've read Crocodile Tears (it's awesome, read it) and I've not put any spoilers in this one. Well... enjoy!
Matt: Right. I want to win money this time.
Scott: You sure you're good enough?
Matt: …
Matt: Yes.
Jamie: Enough to bet £20?
Matt: You're on.
[...]
Fred: Hey, Jamie, how about I help you with that competition, and you give me, I don't know, 20% of your profits?
Jamie: Er, ok…
George: Each…
Jamie: No way! 10% each.
Fred: 20.
Jamie: 11.
Fred: 19.5.
Jamie: 10.
George: You haven't got this bartering thing very well, have you…
Fred: You go up, we go down.
Jamie: 9% each. Final offer.
Fred: …
George: …
George: Fine…
[...]
George: Lavender! Ron wants to see you!
Ron: Lavender! You know, your hair is just gorgeous!
Lavender: You really think so? I just got it cut.
Ron: Absolutely beautiful. Listen, you want to go to the cinema with me later?
Lavender: What, really? I'd LOVE to! Aww, this is great Ronnie! Look, got to dash, I'll owl you, 'k?
Ron: Great!
[...]
Lavender: Hey Ron!
Ron: Lavender…hi…
Lavender: So, I've been thinking, we should go see something like Wonderful World?
Ron: …Why are we seeing something?
Lavender: Earlier…
Ron: …What happened earlier?
Lavender: You asked me to go to the cinema with you!
Ron: …
Ron: What?
Lavender: So, you don't want to then?
Ron: NO!
Lavender: Why? Why, don't I look pretty enough? Aren't I smart enough, or funny enough or niiice enouff *cries*
Ron: Oh… erm, no, you're lovely…
Lavender: Then WHY don't you want to see Wonderful World with me?
Ron: ..I'm busy?
Lavender: Busy? Busy doing what? Going out with that Granger, I bet!
Ron: I…
Lavender: I thought we had something SPECIAL!
Ron: We…
Lavender: NO! Go away, Ronald Weasley! I don't want to talk to you!
*flounces off*
Ron: Whoa… did I lead her on accidently or something?
Ginny: Well, Ron, I'm not sure but maybe asking her out made her think, you know, you wanted to go out with her…
Ron: …
Ron: WHAT?
[...]
Lavender *incoherent mutterings*: mgmmmn….. Ron… mmmmgggm… mbasmmmm…
Ron: Will someone pass me my drink?
*Drink hits Ron on the head*
Ron: Ow! That's really immature, Lavender.
Lavender: What? What did I do?
Ron: …
Ron: Hey, no one can see my shoe, can they?
*Shoe hits Ron's nose*
Ron: …
Ron: …thanks…
Ron *looks around*
Ron *sigh*
Ron: Can someone pass me my wand…?
*Wand pokes Ron's eye*
Ron: OWWW! Lavender, get over it!
Lavender: I haven't done anything!
Ron: Immature cow!
Lavender: Oh, blame it on me why don't you?
Ron: Well, I will-
Matt: Erm, guys? Confession…
Ron: …
Lavender: …
Matt: I was making the objects hit you…
Ron: …
Lavender: …
Lavender: See, I told you I didn't!
*flounces off*
Ron: We were friends!
Matt: …But there was £20 in the middle of our friendship!
Ron: …
Scarlett: Hey, Alex.
Alex: …
Alex: Er, hey, Scar…
Scarlett: So, erm, how are you?
Alex: …Great…
Scarlett: Wow, me too!
Alex: …
Scarlett: Yeah… that was exciting…
Alex: …
Scarlett: So, well, New Moon's out now…
Alex: …
Scarlett: And it should be great.
Alex: …
Scarlett: You ever read Twilight, Alex?
Alex: No…
Scarlett: Oh….
Alex: …
Scarlett: Jawannaseeitwidme?
Alex: …
Alex: What?
Scarlett: …Erm, do you want to see it with me?
Alex: Oh… erm... I… sure…
Alex: Wait….
Alex: Oh! Scott, have you been controlling her this whole time?
Scarlett *blushes*: Erm…Yeah! Yeah, oh my God, what was I doing?
Scott: …Yeah…All me…
[Aside]
Jamie: So, I was the only person not found out…
Matt *sigh*
Scott *sigh*
*Hand over money*
Scott: Technically, I never really did mine…
Jamie: Shut up Scott.
Scott: …
Ginny: I still think we deserve some recognition….
Ron: Yeah! Harry's hard to kill!
Jamie: Sure about that?
Harry: …
Harry: Don't you dare, Tyler.
Scarlett: Yeah! Jamie, I'll make daily storms if you do!
Jamie: …
Scott: Scarlett, mind control…
Scarlett: …
Alex: So I still win?
Pedro: How?
Alex: Erm… I'm… awesome…
Harry: My FanFiction section is bigger than yours. It's the biggest.
Alex: I…
Jamie: Hah! Got you there!
Alex: And how big's yours?
Jamie: …
Scott: ...thirty…
Harry: Thirty thousand? Well, there's a lot worse…
Scott: No, thirty. Just thirty.
Harry: …
Alex: …
Ron: …
Ginny: …
*insert other non-Po5 character here*: …
Harry: HAH!
Alex: Man, I beat you lot!
Matt: …
Matt: My mum told me I was always special on the inside…
Hermione: *singing* Hey, hey are you ready to play, let's go and play with the Tweenies – *correcting tune* Tween-ies.
Matt: Did you seriously just correct the tune?
Hermione: What? If I sing it wrong once, I'll sing it wrong every time!
Matt: …
[Right… the Tweenies is a kids program in England for like, 6 year olds…]
Voldemort: I was thinking… We've all got people to beat, and they kind of, team up against us... right? So what if we did the same?
Chaos: …Team up against each other?
Scorpia: …
Voldemort: No, you fool. Team up against them...
Chaos: Oh, that's clever!
Voldemort: I know!
Scorpia: Ooh, I'm in!
Voldemort: Oh… Well… Erm… Listen, I mean this in the kindest way… I didn't really mean you…
Scorpia: What? Why?
Voldemort: Well, don't take this personally… but a fourteen year old has defeated you twice and you still haven't killed him…
Scorpia: …
Scorpia: He's Alex Rider…
Voldemort: He's still a muggle who's fourteen.
Scorpia: At least WE can kill babies!
Voldemort: …He was protected…
Scorpia: How?
Voldemort: …With love…
Chaos *sings*: From me, to you!
Voldemort: …
Scorpia: …
Chaos: What? Oh, sorry… I didn't know this was serious…
Harry: Guess what? Malfoy was hit by Voldemort when he was drunk?
Tom: When who was drunk?
Harry: Voldy, but does it matter?
Tom: Yeah, now we know he drinks and can use it to get to him!
Alex: …By tempting him with alcohol and making him drive?
Tom: …
Ginny: Wait, Malfoy's dead?
Harry: Erm, yeah, think so.
Hermione: It's times like these I want Twilight to be real.
Harry: …So Malfoy could come back and kill us?
Hermione: No… Then he could come back and sparkle!
Ron: …Why do we want a sparkly Malfoy?
Harry: To hang him from the Christmas tree, of course!
[Matt and Voldemort fighting]:
*Riiing*
*Riiing Riiing*
Voldemort: Is that your phone?
*Fires curse at Matt, who jumps aside*
Matt: Just ignore it!
*Throws spear at Voldemort*
*Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me…*
Matt: …
Voldemort: That's Bella's ringtone…
Matt: …
Voldemort: Bella got jealous when Suzie and I went out for a meal…
Matt: …
*My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…*
Matt: Er, that's Scar's tone…
Voldemort: …
Matt: She thought it was funny…
Voldemort: …
Matt: Ginny didn't…
Voldemort: …
Matt: Ginny's is the Zutons… Remember Me… She thinks I'll get with someone else…
Voldemort: …
Matt: …I'll turn this off now…
Alex: Miss, can I borrow a ruler?
Teacher: Where's yours?
Alex: …Relaxing at home…
Teacher: *sigh*
Alex: …can I've a pen, too?
Tom: Hey, it's ok Al, I've got one.
Alex: Ahh, cheers mate!
Tom: Miss, can I borrow a pen?
Teacher: …
Teachee: …and so to keep atoms from going straight through one another, we have a thing called the Strong Force.
Tom: So… the force is with all of us?
Teacher: Well, you know, it's with everything…
Tom: So just remember to use the force…
Teacher: *sigh* Every time…Anyway! So, because of the Strong Force, we never actually touch things. The Strong Force keeps space in-between.
Tom: I always knew I could fly…
Teacher: …
[At battle]
Scarlett: Argh!
Matt: What?
Scarlett: …Nothing…
Matt: …
*thirty seconds later*
Scarlett: Waah!
Matt: What?
Scarlett: I hate you!
Matt: …
Matt: What?
Scarlett: All of you! Men!
Matt: …Why…?
Scarlett: I need to pee! Men can just unzip, women get the undignified process of pulling down the clothes and squatting and avoiding the shoes-
Matt: Please, share.
Scarlett: But I need to go!
Matt: Go!
Scarlett: There aren't any trees!
Matt: …But you're not a dog!
Tom: Naw, she's a bitch.
Matt: …
Scarlett: …
Tom: Sorry, opportunity for a joke there... kind of. Hard to avoid.
Scarlett: I need something so people can't see me!
Ginny: Hey, Scar, you should get one of those She-Wee things.
Harry: What?
Ginny: It's like a plastic tubey funnely thing that acts in the same way your…thing does when you've got to pee.
Scarlett: Give me one!
Hermione: I carry around spares!
Scarlett: Good!
*Runs off*
*Ron comes over*
Ron: Something's not right when there's someone trying not to pee into the wind and they've got, you know… *gestures at chest*
Matt: This marks the beginning of the female world….
Scarlett: …So someone has to be bait for the Old Ones?
Jamie: I was in the past! Er, in a way, at least…
Ron: I know how to settle this! Hand out, palm down on table. Splay the fingers out, and grab a quill.
Scott: 21st century. Pens, not quills.
Ron: …
Ron: Right, stab the spaces between your fingers, before thumb, between forefinger and thumb, swear-finger and forefinger and so on, and back, as fast as you can. Whoever stabs themselves first loses! And you can have two practise rounds.
*Scar wins both practises*
Scar: This is too easy! Let's raise the stakes.
*Runs off*
*returns with five compasses*
Matt: …
Pedro: …
Scott: …
Jamie: …
Pedro: Keep that thing away from me!
Scarlett: But it's fun!
Jamie: Tell you what… I'll be the bait, huh?
*Hides ink covered hand*
Scarlett: Cowards.
Scott: I'd rather be a coward with a hand, than an idiot with massacred fingers…
Scarlett: Not massacred! Just a bit punctured…
Scott: …
Tom: So, Al, I thought you were done with all the MI6 stuff?
Alex: Yeah, I am now. Only some guy got in the way. But it's all sorted.
Tom: What happened to him?
Alex: I stabbed him. Fifteen time. In the head seven times, and then four in the face and four in the stomach.
Tom: …
Alex: *Laughs* Just screwing with you. He's fine. Well, he will be when he's out of the hospital.
Tom: ...
Alex: And after they find him a donor.
Tom: …
Alex: And I think he might have mild brain damage.
Tom: …
Alex: And he's getting a pacemaker.
Tom: …
Alex: Luckily it's all on the NHS, though. I stole his money.
Tom: …
Alex: Although he might need it for funeral plans.
Tom: …
Alex: His dog was a bit annoying.
Tom: …
Alex: Fun times!
Tom: …
Tom: Remind me never to get in your way…
Jack: You know recession…
Harry: How could we not? My galleons are worth so little now!
Jack: …Yeah, well, d'you think Gordon Brown or Obama will be anything like FRR?
Alex: …Who?
Jack: You know, the Wall Street Crash?
Jamie: You mean FDR? Roosevelt?
Jack: Yeah! Him! Anyway, if we had doonboggling-
Scott: -boondoggling-
Jack: Yeah, I'd ace my job! Chasing away the pigeons! I'd get a cat.
Alex: Cats hate you.
Jack: …
Jack: A dog, then.
Scarlett: Ooh, can I walk it?
Jack: It'd get its exercise from chasing pigeons!
Alex: Awww, can't it guard me?
Harry: I'm the one with an evil wizard after me!
Matt: …Who died…
Harry: Oh yeah! Haha, not used to this, sorry!
Tom: I could always employ you to do my homework, Jack…
Alex: Didn't you hear the 'FRR' and 'doonboggling'?
Tom: Eh, she can't be worse than me. What's four squared?
Jack: …A three-dimensional four?
Tom: …
Tom: Close enough.
Matt: What's black and white and 5D?
Tom: Haven't a clue…
Matt: Michael Jackson!
Jamie: That was shit!
Matt: You make up one then…
Jamie: Erm, why does MJ like orphanages? Loads of unloved kids…
Sabina: …
Sabina: Why shouldn't we love Michael Jackson?
*beat*
Sabina: He's got enough love!
Scott: You're all crap.
Sabina: You do better!
Scott: Never said I could.
Richard: Why is Michael Jackson the modern-day Father Christmas?
Jack: …Why?
Richard: He brings children of the world joy!
Matt: …
Jack: That's not bad….
Alicia: Stop corrupting their minds! My eleven-year-old son is here!
Scarlett: Keep him away from the MJ.
Sabina: Oooh! What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
Tom: Heard it!
Scott: Everyone has…
Danny: I haven't!
Sabina: One's white, made of plastic and dangerous for children. The other you carry shopping in.
Danny: …I don't get it…
Sabina: …
Sabina: Just know it's funny…
[That was for you, GK!]
[Dinner]:
Sabina: This is amazing, 'Mione have you tried the potatoes?
Hermione: I'm being put off by Ron…
Ron: Wha'? 'Ey're 'ovey!
Sabina: …
Sabina: I see your point.
Jack: Alex, cut up the steak properly.
Alex: …
Jack: It's rude to just shove it all in your mouth!
Alex: …
Jack: Look, I'll do it for you…
Alex: Come on, Jack! I'm fourteen! I can cut up my own food!
Molly: It's always horrible when you know they don't need you anymore.
Jack: I want to have a baby.
Molly: That's what I felt like…
Alex *coughs*
Alex: *is choking*
Tom: I think he's finally bitten off more than he can chew.
Alex: …
Voila! Whoa, that took me far too long to write! Oh well… done now. I can leave it for a few months… woops, I meant days, of course! Merry Christmas everyone! Or erm, merry December if you don't celebrate Christmas. And happy New Year soon! Scary thought, eh? 2010! Merry 2010.
Until the next,
Cait
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