…Shu'p. It wasn't THAT long since the last update… and in my defence, I've got GCSEs in fifty days or something stupid like that. The teachers remind us every single day… But whatevs, man! Peace, chill, smoooooth… And you've gotta be cruel to be kind. Bend this to apply to this, please, bored and odd people.

And also, most of this was being written whilst watching BBC's Sport Relief thing (and Misifts… xD) during a five hour babysitting stint. And so, it may be a bit off. Hey, at least I didn't include Misfits humour…

("Beverly? Isn't that a woman's name? Maybe you were born with both sets of genitalia and your parents decided to sew up your clunge and keep your dick…")

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Alex: Jack... I feel ill…

Jack Oh yeah, you look flushed and sweaty

Alex Uhuh…

Jack: and your forehead is really hot!

Alex: Yeah!

Jack: Wait… why do you smell like mango?

Alex: …

Jack: Have you used my body-butter to make you look sweaty?

Alex: …No…

Jack: AND my blusher?

Alex …No…

Jack: …I lost my hot water bottle the other day. D'you know where it went?

Alex: …No… Haven't seen it…

Jack: So you didn't use it to give yourself a hot forehead?

Alex: …

Jack: Alex, I raised the super-spy. Which makes me the master-spy.

Alex: Yeah but…

Jack: You're going to the work Christmas party.

Alex: Awww… But it'll be so depressing! They'll run through a list of everyone who died that year! And they'll make bets on who'll be next! And I'm always the most popular choice!

Jack: If you want to make a quick bit of money, I've got a wide selection of knives…

Alex: …

Alex: Just let me find out Blunt's address…

Scarlett: D'you know, I'm getting rather peckish.

Jack: Are you now? Jolly good, eh? I'll go toast a couple of scones in front of the fire. Oho, Alicia old chap, have you any clotted cream?

Alicia: I do believe that it is "chapette". I think I'll have a jolly good search about the house for some, I'll put the kettle on while I do so.

Harry *sigh*

Alex *slams cup on table*: Will you stop mocking us?

Alicia: Oh, blow me! That was a shock!

Jamie *snorts*: Don't tell me people seriously say that?

Hermione: I think my grandma says that. My dad tried to once but then my mum said something inappropriate and I left.

Jack: Oh Brits do make me chuckle…

Scarlett: …

Ginny: Jamie, you look faintly traumatized. What's up?

Jamie: …Me and Sabina-

Hermione: Sabina and I!

Jamie: …You weren't there, were you?

Hermione: …

Ginny: *sigh* Go on…

Jamie: Yeah, me and Sabina were bored so we went on Facebook. We found Voldemort. And… his profile was public.

Alex: He's conceited, what did you expect?

Jamie: No, it's not that. We checked out his photos.

Ginny: Why?

Jamie: Wanted to see if he remembered us. Anyway, we came across some… interesting ones…

Ginny: Specify…

Sabina: Voldemort has discovered Photoshop.

Jamie: Have you seen Borat?

Hermione: Unfortunately…

Jamie: Voldemort has his face on Borat in a mankini.

Hermione: Ugh.

Sabina: That's not the worst of it.

Jamie: He found a picture of gay sex.

Sabina: He put his face on one of the guys, with a fitting expression.

Ginny: Shall I get you guys some sweet tea?

Hermione: Sit down, I'll get more cushions.

Scorpia: So we'll get Alex on the way back from school... or maybe

Chaos: It'll be like taking sweets from a baby, something some of us find harder than others.

Voldemort: He was LOVED!

Chaos: He was one.

Voldemort: He was protected!

Chaos: He was a baby….

Voldemort: He was special…

Chaos: Aww, don't you worry Mortie, you're special too! Now, d'you want to go play in the sand-pit?

Voldemort: …

Voldemort: Go die in a hole.

Chaos: No… then the Five would win…

Voldemort: Welcome to my world.

Chaos: People here are too unfriendly. Can I go home?

Voldemort: Stamp for re-entry?

Chaos: That joke is old…. It was on The Simpsons years ago…

Voldemort: I'm sorry?

Chaos: You know… Nelson says "Stamp for re-entry?" to Milhouse and so he stamps hard on his foot?

Voldemort: No… I actually have a life…

Chaos: …

Chaos: …The Simpsons are the shizz and you know it…

Scarlett: I can't wait to be sixteen!

Jamie: Me either. We'll take no crap then!

Harry: I think Chaos might have something to say about that…

Matt: Sixteen will be awesome. The first proper sense of responsibility and not needing adults and all that.

Richard: Not that you listen to me much….

Matt: Wha'evs, man.

Alex: Did you just try and be gangsta?

Matt: …No…

Alex: Hah! Epic fail.

Matt: …

Scarlett: You know what's great about being sixteen in the UK?

All: …

Scarlett: We get to use power-tools.

All: …

Scarlett: What, did you think I was talking about something else?

*silence*

Scarlett: Dirty, dirty minds.

Alex: Well, I don't know what they were all thinking but I was getting worried about the idea of you with an axe.

Matt: Well, it's your funeral.

Chaos: …

Matt: Actually, is it? Can you even die?

Scott: Personally, I think he's gonna have the whole Voldemort-thing going on. Y'know, seven souls or whatever.

Hermione: Actually, he didn't have seven souls he just broke his up into-

Matt: Will you shut up?

Pedro: Anyway, Voldy was defeated in the end.

Scott: Knowing you, you'd go and heal him. Jeez, get a useful power, man!

Pedro: ...You didn't find it such a problem when I healed your destroyed hand!
Scott: You were being useful then!

Scarlett: Hey! Pedro is always useful!

Scarlett: *to Pedro* Don't you listen to him, Pedro. It's ok, just ignore him.

Pedro: …

Scarlett: "The Kaiser". I wish I were German, just to be known as that.

Teacher: Actually, Kaiser comes from the word Caesar.

Tom: As in Caesar salad?

Teacher: …

Alex: Yeah, they had a health food craze back then and took to calling people after healthy foods after the surge of unhealthyness, during the Queen Victoria era with William Blake supporting her sweet tooth inconspicuously. And Hannibal Hamlin… he was a bit disapproved of, y'know, frowned on a lot. And the immortal Spice Girls looked back on the past with nostalgia and thought they'd take a leaf – or a pinch – out of their books.

Tom: …

Tom: That was unnecessarily long.

Alex: Yet it brought upon the belittling effect well, I think.

Teacher: And a valuable insight into the past.

Scorpia: Guys! Guys! Breakthrough! This is the best news we've had since… well, since before any of the young generation was born.

*silence*

Chaos: …

Voldemort: …

Giant Spider: Well?

Scorpia: Oh, I got Alex Rider!

Chaos: …

Chaos: How useful. He's not even gonna stop us from killing the world!

Scorpia: …He stops us!

Voldemort: You're human. No one cares about you.

Scorpia: …

Scorpia: That's racist!

Giant Spider: Nah, speciesist. There's a massive difference.

Scorpia: I could sue you.

Chaos: Meh.

Voldemort: Give usssss the boy!

Scorpia: Snake got your tongue?

Voldemort: Nagini and me have been talking and it'ssssss a bit contagiousssssss….

Chaos: I see…

Scorpia: I give to you… Alex Rider! *lifts hood off boy*

Alex: Err… hi…

Scorpia: Alex, we've been wanting a meeting with you for a long time.

Alex: I'm really sorry to disappoint but…

Voldemort: There is no way that you can leave this room.

Alex: …

Chaos: …Did you dye your hair?

Alex: Errr.. sure…

Scorpia: And erm, that scar of yours….

Harry: Ok, I admit it. I got some polyjuice potion and added Alex's hair…

Giant Hummingbird: I believe the time is right for me to say… FAIL.

Harry: Yeah… epically… er, can I go home now?

Voldemort: You killed my soul.

Harry: You killed my mum!

Voldemort: You killed my second bit of soul!

Harry: You killed my dad!

Voldemort: You killed my third bit of soul!

Harry: You killed my house-elf friend!

Voldemort: No! Someone else did that. Personally, I always liked the house elves. They're small and have funny eyes. Now… You killed my fourth bit of soul!

Harry: You killed my friend/ best friend's brother!

Voldemort: You killed my fifth bit of soul/ best fourth bit of soul's brother!

Harry: You keep killing people!

Voldemort: I was a damaged teenager from a bad background. My angst is coming out in the form of killing.

Harry: Get over yourself.

Voldemort: …Get under yourself.

Harry: I'll get under you!

Voldemort: …Please don't.

Harry: I'm glad you said that.

*silence*

Voldemort: Ok, this is getting kind of awkward…

Harry: …

Voldemort: Why don't you go home now? I'll call you a taxi.

Harry: Great, thanks!

Voldemort: You taxi.

Harry: …

(Marie Elaine Cullen!)

Ron: If you could have ANY power, what would it be?

Alex: Immortality. It'd make my life so much easier, not having to worry about death….

Hermione: But then you don't experience one of the most human time of your life – death!

Alex: I'm ok with that.

Matt: The power to be irresistible to women.

Scott: What age are these women? It's not gonna be like that nineteen year old guy and forty year old woman thing, is it?

Matt: ...

Matt: Ok, to girls my age.

Sabina: Hey! I don't want to be falling in love with someone I don't want to!

Matt: In lust, not love.

Sabina: …

Matt: Besides, what's wrong with me?

Sabina: I… well, I prefer blonds….

Matt: Well, I prefer blackheads then.

Sabina: …

Matt: Wait… I didn't mean like the spots… I mean, black haired girls…

Scarlett: …

Matt: No! I mean…

Hermione: So, who wants a cup of tea?

Matt: …

* So, just for those *coughidiotscough*…

Queen Victoria = Victoria sponge cake.

William Blake = Cake/Chocolate cake

Hannibal Hamlin = Cannibal… Ham…?

Spice Girls = …Spice…

Was that much shorter than the norm? Hey, I updated. So whatevs, mateys. Er, a-hoy and all. Parlilly… parrrr.. parsley, parsnip pans…. Parley !

Err, do share any thoughts and ideas… whether it be "this is shiiiiit" or "man, dude, woman person, write more" or "hey, do THIS THIS and THIS" and suggest shit. Bye!

Until the next,

Cait

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