I think FF's gone and done a silly. Now very few of my past chapters have any divisions between scenario. Grr. Looks all funny now.
Disclaimer… As if I own this.
Richard: Hey, shouldn't you lot be getting ready for battle?
Jamie: We ARE ready.
Richard: You're wearing jeans!
Scott: What's wrong with jeans?
Richard: You're fighting a war!
Alex: Jeans are very strong and durable.
Richard: Jeans! War!
Scott: Yeah.
Matt: Uhuh.
Richard: …
Richard: Are you kidding me?
Alex: No…
Richard: Shouldn't you at least be wearing cheap jeans so they can be ruined?
Scarlett: The whole world will be watching us! We can't show up in Primark jeans!
Matt: Besides, you were the one going on about how you've had those Levi's since you were seventeen.
Richard: …
Richard: Harry, what did you wear when you beat Voldemort?
Harry: Which time?
Richard: Er, any…
Harry: Well, there was baby clothes… a school uniform twice, my sports robes, then my uniform twice more… and then jeans, I think. Jeans and a top.
Matt: ...Show off.
Harry: You're just jealous.
Matt: Of your stick?
Harry: …
Harry: My stick is great.
Ginny: It does emit lovely sparks…
Matt: …
Richard: Didn't need to hear that…
Alex: Hey Tom, we're having a massive fight, want to come with?
Tom: I'll just check my schedule.
*Opens Radio Times*
Tom: I'm free.
Alex: …
Scarlett: It must be horrible to commit a robbery in a Muslim country.
Scott: …Why?
Scarlett: Well, you point the gun at them, say "I'll kill you". They'll look at you and say, "No. I kill me."
Scott: …
[No offence intended. If this is offensive.]
Fred: Oi! Alex! I want that five pounds you owe me!
Alex: Yeah, well I want your mum.
Fred: No you don't, she's small and fat. You owe me five pounds!
Alex: Your mum owes me five pounds.
Fred: You owe me five pounds.
Sabina: Alex hun, what are you doing?
Alex: Trying to be like normal teenagers.
Matt: Normal teenagers don't want old women.
Fred: My mum's hardly old… just a little past her sell-by date.
Richard: Right, for this salad I need prawns, avocado and watercress.
Matt: Avocado? Watercress? You posh twat! Just stick with lettuce and tomatoes like us common people.
Richard: Who the hell are you calling posh? I come from York, widely recognised as one of the worst places to live. You come from Dulwich.
Matt: …
Matt: Twat.
Voldemort: So what's on today's agenda?
Chaos: WORLD DOMINATION!
Monkey: That gets a bit boring after a while…
Chaos: …
Chaos: Hit a bar?
Scorpia: We've developed a brilliant new atom bomb…
Chaos: I meant go to a bar. And maybe I can find myself a woman.
Voldemort: And if that fails?
Chaos: WORLD DOMINATION!
Voldemort: …
Chaos: Or maybe just a quiet night in with some whiskey and TV.
Chaos: What would you be if you weren't an evil genius?
Mortlake: Alive.
Voldemort: Mortal… *shudders*
Giant spider: Preserved and left in a museum somewhere, I guess…
Chaos: I sort of meant like, jobs…
Voldemort: Oh. I'd be a snake whisperer.
Scorpia: … Of course.
Giant spider: The English version of the Bogeyman.
Scorpia: Hmm… I think I'd stick with terrorism of some form.
Chaos: Cool stuff… I've no idea for me, though.
Voldemort: Go on, what are you interested in?
Chaos: Causing pain. And misery. And doom.
Voldemort: … be a dentist. People hate the dentist, terrifies them.
Chaos: I don't want people to hate me… just be petrified of me.
Voldemort: Hatred… fear… what's the difference?
Scorpia: If you cheat on a woman, she'll hate you, but you'll be fucking terrified of her.
Richard: I should get to go first, I'm older.
Alex: So?
Richard: With age comes wisdom.
Alex: Nah, they broke up a while ago. Age comes alone now.
Richard: …
Alex: The Five and I are going to see a film Saturday night, you coming?
Tom: Ahh, no, there's Doctor Who.
Alex: You can't just record it? IPlayer it?
Tom: But afterwards there's The Living Hills!
Alex: The what?
Tom: You know… the song thing is *sings* the hills are alive, with the sound of music…and there are the shiny red shoes and the lion and the flying monkeys, and the girls all trying to sing and become a singing… girl.
Alex: …D'you mean The Sound of Music – nice singing, by the way – and then The Wizard of Oz… so that would be Over the Rainbow?
Tom: With the camp guy in a blazer?
Alex: Graham Norton? Yeah.
Tom: Yeah. And then after that there's Pimp My Ride.
Alex: I thought that was only on those stupid American channels?
Tom: No… quite a common film, dear Al'.
Alex: …what?
Tom: It's a film.
Alex: No it's not…
Tom: Sure it is! It's like, a while ago in America, where these teenagers have a crappy car and fix it up and there's a race and some woman drops her hankie and there's singing and a dance and a guy who looks like Elvis….
Alex: …
Alex: D'you mean Grease?
Tom: Oh. Right.
Scarlett: Is it sad that I've changed the name on my iPod for High School Musical to You Know Them so I won't get mocked?
Ginny: Hah!
Fred: Oh hell yes!
Scarlett: …
Scarlett: Luckily it wasn't me, it was a friend…
George: That's so sad it hurts… *wipes tear from eye*
Scarlett: …
Hermione: I can't think of anything more depressing than living like Mr Bean.
Jamie: Who?
Scarlett: A guy Rowan Atkinson plays… this man who is quite possibly mentally retarded, lives somewhere with a yellow car, a flat with three rooms and a teddy bear, only a very sad woman as a friend. A single life, basically.
Harry: Be fair, I'm not sure they're all as bad as his.
Matt: Richard, are they?
Richard: …
Richard: I did have a girlfriend, she just chose to be with a responsible and mature opera singer than me.
Matt: And Mr Bean lived in a pretty well-kept flat. Richard believes housework is dusting the TV when it's hard to see the picture.
Richard: …
Scott: Eh, more than Don and Marcie did. It was more let it fester before it left by itself.
Pedro: I don't think anyone can beat me.
Matt: … True.
Scarlett: I feel so deprived by being brought up in a clean house…
Ron: You and me both…
Chaos: Hey.
Alex: …
Chaos: What's up?
Alex: …
Chaos: Not a talker, er?
Alex: You've tried to kill me and my friends so many times…
Chaos: Yeah… I miss those times…
Alex: I don't. The hospital thought Jack was abusing me 'cause of the amount of times I was in there.
Chaos: Yeah… but it kept me fit.
Alex: And me on my toes!
Chaos *sigh*
Chaos: I don't even know what to do with myself any more…
Alex: Hey, write a book!
Chaos: …
Chaos: That's a brilliant idea…
Alex: An autobiography; that's what people do when they're not in the spotlight enough now! Call it Chaos: The Thing Behind the Mayhem. Or Confessions of an Adult Drama-King.
Chaos: Have I ever told you how much I loved you?
Alex: Yeah, that's what landed you in prison.
Chaos: …
Sabina: I think we should get to meet the Queen.
Jamie: I thought she was dead.
Richard: No, we've got a few more years to squeeze out of her.
Ginny: I don't want to meet her, you'd have to be so proper!
Alex: Why would you get to meet her…?
Ginny: The Boy Who Lived's ex-girlfriend, duh.
Tom: I don't think the Queen knows about magic…
Richard: Yeah, don't tell her now or you'll give her a heart attack.
Jack: What do you have against the Queen?
Richard: Nothing… I just don't like monarchy.
Jack: I for one think she's pretty sweet. Bless her, she's so gentle she couldn't hurt a thing!
Richard: Have her corgis died yet?
Alex: I'm making sure MI6 know you've got this vendetta against her.
Richard: …
Richard: I just think she could do more than she does…
Matt: …Like?
Richard: She could abuse her power… make the Prime Ministers beg for everything or something.
Matt: What's eleven times sixteen?
Scott: A hundred and seventy six.
Hermione: A hundred and… what he said.
Scarlett: Woah, Scott, are you a little maths geek?
Scott: …
Matt: I always hated maths.
Scott: Any reason?
Matt: When we were six… some teacher mocked me….
Scarlett: Why?
Matt: We were asked to pick out the odd numbers up to ten. I said I didn't really like seven… it would keep stealing arms.
Sabina: I just conditioned my eyebrows!
Harry: …
Sabina: Want to feel? They're all soft and lovely.
Harry: …
Sabina: What?
Harry: …
Harry: You conditioned your eyebrows…
Sabina: So?
Harry: …
Harry: That's just…
Sabina: What?
Harry: …
Harry: Never mind….
Sabina: Guess what?
Jamie: You're pregnant.
Richard: You like Cameron.
Sabina: Who? And no.
Tom: I've been voted hottest male of the year… again?
Sabina: …
Jamie: What, then?
Sabina: My boss called me a wonderful mirage…
Alex: Yes, I'd like it if you weren't real too.
Sabina: …
Bellatrix: Voldy, you'll never guess what I've managed to do!
Voldemort: Get the oven sparkling again?
Bellatrix: …
Bellatrix: Actually, I think you should clean up around here! I mean, you're too embarrassed to show your face around so you might as well do useful stuff at home, instead of being on that stupid pomcuter-
Voldemort: Computer.
Bellatrix: -Whatever! You don't appreciate me! AND I was able to capture Pedro.
Voldemort: Oh good, d'you think he'll be able to heal my arm? I hate the scar I've got, it disfigures my lovely flesh.
Bellatrix: I got him so we could win this stupid thing, but I might phone Richard up and get him to take him home!
Voldemort: Honestly Bell, you make everything such a big deal…
Bellatrix: I'll show you big deal! I'm out of here!
Voldemort: Will you pick up some milk while you're out?
*Slams door*
[...]
Bellatrix: Chaos, I heard you needed some fresh blood.
Chaos: …
Chaos: Bella hun, I'm not a vampire.
Bellatrix: I mean you need more new people to join you Old Ones.
Chaos: …
Chaos: We're the Old don't get new Old Ones.
Bellatrix: I'll make myself an ageing potion.
Chaos: …
Chaos: Fair enough, when can you join?
[...]
*BOOM*
Voldemort: Hey! Bella, what are you doing?
Bellatrix: Hah! Voldy, I've changed sides!
Voldemort: WHAT?
Chaos: *quietly* Bell's m'dear, technically we're all on the same side against the littlies…
Bellatrix: Shut up.
Bellatrix: Yes, Voldy, I prefer Chaos and the Old Ones. They actually get things done, you see, instead of planning stupid little plots every year and failing miserably!
Giant Monkey [aside]: So now's not the time to remind her of the millennia's we spent plotting…
Voldemort: How could you?
Bellatrix: I'm not staying somewhere I'm not appreciated!
Voldemort: …
Voldemort: No, you're right. I did ignore you.
Bellatrix: So….
Voldemort: Yeah?
Bellatrix: Well, I might be willing to forgive you…
Voldemort: No, no, you're right. Stay with Chaos, he deserves you.
Bellatrix: …
Bellatrix: What?
Voldemort: Well I have been treating you badly…
Bellatrix: But I do forgive you if you want to aologise or something…
Voldemort: Sorry Bells, no one is good enough for me to apologize to.
Bellatrix: Oh. Right. Well, Chaos, I guess I'm with you for good…
Chaos: Oh. Erm, great.
Voldemort: Ta-ta, speak to you all later!
Chaos: Bye!
Bellatrix: Oh, goodbye Voldy!
Chaos: So….
Bellatrix: Yes…
Chaos *whistles*
Bellatrix: Hey, I'm gonna see what they're up to at Scorpia…
Chaos: Oh, good plan. Call me if there's anything interesting!
[...]
Bellatrix *in tears*: So I always thought he had feelings for me! I mean, we've been so close and I'm so loyal to him…
Hermione: I know, I know, it's terrible.
Bellatrix: I just don't know w-what I'm doing wrong!
Sabina: Nothing, you aren't doing anything wrong, Bells lovey!
Jack: It's just men. They're dicks.
Richard: …
Richard: In the room…
Bellatrix: And I've made so much of an effort for him! *cries*
Hermione: Oh Bella! It's ok, it will be ok!
Bellatrix: But!
Richard: Don't cry because it's all over, smile because it happened.
Bellatrix: …
Hermione: …
Sabina: …
Ginny: …
Bellatrix: What. The. Fuck?
Richard: …it felt right…
Ginny: Lots of things feel right, that doesn't mean you need to give us them!
Sabina: Time and place, jeez!
Bellatrix: *sobs* I said that to Voldy once!
Hermione: Bella! Oh Bella, it'll all be ok!
Richard: Yes honey, everything's going to be all right!
Ginny: …
Sabina: …
Hermione: …
Bellatrix: *sobs*
Richard: I'm going buy some beer.
Ginny: Buy some testicles while you're at it.
Richard: …
AN: Well, another month… or a few… another parody…or a few.
Be sure to post some suggestions… and cut me some slack, I had twenty five GCSE exams… three left… then going to Greece… after that, I get to update again sometime! xD Drop me a comment, yeah? Be lovely. If not, well honestly I don't blame you. I'm lazy too.
Until the next,
Cait,
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