Chapter 7

Sarah ran into the room and jumped on his bed.

"Good morning, Daddy." She said. "Time to get up."

He looked over at the clock.

4:00 a.m.

"It's too early, sweetheart." He told her. "Go back to bed."

"But you promised we would go to the zoo today." She replied.

"And we will." He said. "But it doesn't open for five more hours."

"But we have to eat breakfast, first." She countered.

"And we'll do that, too." He laughed. "In three hours."

"Can I stay in here?" She asked.

"You're getting a little too big to sleep in here, princess." He told her. "Go back to your bed…the alarm is set for seven."

"OK." She sighed. "I love you, Daddy."

"I love you, too." He said as she headed back to her room.

He opened his eyes, sat up, and looked at the clock.

6:03 a.m.

The alarm was set for 6:15. He looked down at Abby, then slowly got out of bed.

Abby reached over and turned off the alarm clock. "Only Tuesday." She thought "When is Friday going to get here?" She sighed and turned over to kiss Matthew good morning.

Only to find his side of the bed empty.

She looked over at the bathroom door, but the door was wide open and the light was off. She got up and threw on her robe and headed to the kitchen, but he wasn't there either.

She headed back to the bedroom, and noticed Sarah's door slightly open.

She opened it fully and looked inside. As you walked in, the room was slightly deeper than wide (15 feet by 12 feet) and the door was in the right corner, with the room spreading out to the left. Sarah's bed was straight in front of the door, and her dresser was on the same wall as the door, to the left.

She saw him sitting on the floor about halfway down the long wall opposite the bed, staring at her bed.

"You OK?" She asked, but he didn't respond.

She slowly took a few steps toward him, but when she saw the gun in his hand, her eyes went wide.

"Matthew?"

He slowly looked at her. "Go to work, Abby." He said.

"No." She shook her head. "We can work this out, Matthew. Give me the gun."

"There's nothing to work out." He said.

"Matthew, you don't want to do this." She fought back her tears. "Give me the gun, and let's have breakfast."

He just turned back to stare at the bed.

Gibbs returned from Abby's locked lab.

"Does anyone know where Abby is?" He asked.

"She hasn't called." Ziva replied as McGee picked up his phone and called her number.

"No answer." He said, running a GPS fix.

"Her phone is at Matthew's house." He told Gibbs. "Maybe her alarm didn't go off."

"And she didn't hear her phone ring?" Gibbs asked, reaching for his own phone and pushing a speed dial number. "I'm on my way to Shuman's house." He told the person at the other end. "Meet me there."

"Boss? Is something wrong?" McGee asked as they followed Gibbs to the elevator.

"I hope not." Gibbs said as the doors closed.

Rachel was knocking on the door when they pulled up.

"Cars are here." She told them. "But I've been knocking for several minutes with no answer."

"Ziva." Gibbs said and she knelt down to pick the lock.

They found Abby sitting on Sarah's bed, crying.

"Abby?" Gibbs asked as he and Ziva entered the room.

"I heard the phone." She said, and started shaking her head. "But I didn't want to leave him alone for even that long."

"Gibbs." Ziva whispered.

When he turned to look at her, he noticed the direction she was looking and followed her gaze.

He noticed the gun that he had missed on entering the room.

"Doc?" He said.

Rachel entered the room and looked at him.

"How long has he been like this?" She asked Abby.

"I found him sitting there when I woke up." She replied.

"Has he said anything?" Rachel asked.

"When I found him, he told me to leave…but I wouldn't." Abby told her and started shaking her head. "He hasn't spoken since."

Rachel nodded and, turning to him, got down and sat in front of him with her legs crossed.

Ziva quickly judged the distance between her and Matthew. She doubted she would be able to prevent him from firing the gun, but if she could get about five steps closer, she might be able to ensure that he didn't hurt himself with it.

She was in uncharted territory here. The closest thing to this that she had trained for was a hostage situation that would end with the subject's neck being broken. She didn't want to hurt Matthew, but, if push came to shove, and he tried to put up a fight, she would have to break his arm.

She could live with that…it was certainly better than what he apparently intended to do.

She would ensure it was a clean break.

She made her way over to the dresser, looking for an opportunity to get closer.

"Matthew," Rachel began, "you promised me that you would talk to Abby if things became too much to handle…what happened?"

He didn't respond. Instead, he just continued to stare at the bed.

"Matthew." She repeated, but he still ignored her. "Matthew…look at me."

He slowly turned to her.

"What happened?" She asked, but he just stared at her. "Matthew…what happened?"

He looked back at Sarah's bed for a few seconds, and Rachel was about to ask him again…and Ziva was about to take matters into her own hands…when he replied.

"I dreamt about Sarah." He said, then turned back to Rachel. "She woke me up…wanting to go to the zoo. When I really woke up," He started shaking his head, "I realized that I can't do it anymore." He looked at Abby as tears formed in his eyes. "I'm sorry Abby. I just can't."

"No, Matthew." Abby cried.

"You can do it Matthew." Rachel told him. "I know you have the strength to. No one will ever deny the fact that you have faced some tremendous personal tragedies…and have had some awesome responsibilities placed on your shoulders. To be able to face those required more willpower than any human has a right to claim…but you not only faced them, you beat them, time and time again, by tapping into that willpower. Matthew, I want you to summon that very willpower right now."

"It's all gone." He said and looked at the gun in his hand, shaking his head. "There's nothing left."

"That's not how willpower works, Matthew." She said. "You don't just use it up. In fact, the more you use it, the stronger it gets. We can get through this together, Matthew, but it has to be a joint effort…I can help you along the way, but I can't do it all for you. You have to summon it yourself."

He just stared at Sarah's bed.

"Perfect." Ziva thought as she took three steps closer…getting even closer than she had originally planned to. She would let Doctor Cranston do her thing, but if Matthew stopped responding to her, she would be ready.

Rachel glanced over and noticed Ziva, then turned back to Matthew.

"I've been trying to." Matthew said, pointing the gun at himself, causing Ziva to tense up and Gibbs to grab Abby's shoulder to prevent her from screaming out. "And I'm so tired."

Ziva was about to leap when Rachel held up her hand, stopping her. She hesitated, but didn't relax…against her better judgment, she would let the Doctor try her way. But if the hand went down, or Matthew stopped responding to her, she was going in.

"Look at me, Matthew." Rachel said, but he ignored her. "Matthew. Look…at…me." He slowly turned to her and she continued. "If Sarah were sitting on that bed…right now…what do you think she would say to you?"

"But she isn't." He answered, shaking his head. "And she never will again."

"She may not be there physically, Matthew." She said, slowly lowering her hand. "But she will always be there in spirit. And in our memory…And I ask you again…Daddy…what would your princess be saying?"

He looked at her bed and smiled. "Stop being silly, Daddy." He said, then lowered the gun, looked at her and started shaking his head. "But I have nothing left."

"If that were true, Daddy," Rachel countered, "you would be alone right now. But you're not. We are here. We are here because we love you…Abby loves you, just as she loved Sarah…and just as Sarah loved her. What did you think about Sarah calling her "Mommy"?"

He looked at Abby and smiled. "I thought it was wonderful."

"You told Sarah that you wondered where she found the strength to overcome her injuries." She continued. "But the answer was always right in front of you…staring at you…from the mirror. She had a wonderful teacher, Daddy…and she learned her lessons well."

Matthew stared at the gun, then at Sarah's bed, then at Rachel. "But she's gone now…so what do I do?" He finally asked.

"You take it one day at a time, Matthew." she replied, holding out her hand, "And you start by giving me the gun…and we'll go from there."

He looked at the gun, then at Sarah's bed, then back at the gun.

For a few seconds, Gibbs didn't think he was going to do it, but then Matthew gently lowered the hammer, spun the gun around so he was holding it by the barrel, placed it in her hand and leaned back against the wall, looking down at his now empty hands.

Rachel immediately handed it up to Gibbs.

Everybody released the breath they hadn't realized they were holding as Gibbs removed the magazine and ejected the round from the breach. Abby ran over and hugged Matthew.

"I'm so sorry, Abby." He cried.

"Don't be." She said. "We'll get through this…together."

He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tight.

"DiNozzo and I will ride with you to the hospital." Gibbs told Rachel as she stood up, then turned to McGee and Ziva. "Give Abby a ride to work, and stay with her."

Everyone nodded.

"Abby," Rachel said, "make him a travel bag. Toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, deodorant, a couple of pairs of underwear." She shook her head. "No shaving stuff."

Abby nodded, stood up, and hugged her.

"Thank you." She said, then headed to the bathroom.

"I want to talk to her." Rachel told Gibbs. "Today."

Gibbs nodded, then headed outside to call Vance.

As Rachel watched Matthew, he grabbed one of Sarah's teddy bears, closed his eyes, and hugged it.

She walked over and knelt down, putting her hand on his shoulder.

He opened his eyes and looked at her.

"You see? You can do it, Matthew." She told him. "Sometimes, all that's needed is a reminder."

When he didn't respond, she continued.

"You're going to be OK, Matthew." She said. "We're going to get you some help, and you will be back before you know it."

He looked down at the stuffed animal he was holding, then back at her.

She smiled. "You can take it." She nodded.

He smiled and closed his eyes, wiping his tears on the bear.

She stood up and looked at Ziva, who was still leaning against the dresser.

"I have to go clean out the back of my car." She said.

Ziva nodded.

Rachel took one more look at Matthew, then headed out.

Gibbs was outside, finishing his call with Vance, when he looked over and saw Rachel open her car door, push the button to open the trunk, then put her face in her hands for a few seconds before opening the back door.

As he walked over to her, she was grabbing some bags to move to the trunk. When she turned and stood up, he was standing there.

"You did a great job in there." He said as he took the bags from her hands and started shaking his head. "Don't start doubting yourself."

She stared at him for a few seconds. "It should never have gone that far." She replied.

"Let's get him the help he needs, first." Gibbs said as he placed the bags in the trunk. "Then you can sit down and try to figure out what you might have missed…but everything turned out just fine, don't dwell on what might have happened."

She placed a second load in the trunk, then shut it and they headed back inside.

They entered the bedroom to find Matthew sitting in the same spot, looking down at the teddy bear, with Abby sitting next to him with her head on his shoulder. She was about to tell him it was time to go when he started talking.

"I asked Sheryl to marry me the day after we graduated high school." He began. "She bought this the day she died…it was the only thing salvaged from the wreckage."

He paused for a few seconds before continuing.

"She was coming home from the mall, when a Semi ran a stop light…she wasn't even the first one to go through the intersection. I was at work, finishing an all-nighter, when I got the call…I didn't even get to say goodbye to them that morning. I don't know what was worse…seeing the only woman I ever loved laying in the morgue, or seeing my baby girl in I.C.U."

He turned to Abby.

"She was so mangled; I couldn't even tell it was a human on that bed…let alone my own daughter."

He turned back to the teddy bear.

"She was in the hospital for eight months…but it was another year before they realized the extent of her injuries…I tried, Abby…I tried to do the best I could, but she didn't come with instructions…I still wonder if I failed her."

"Noooo." Abby said as she wrapped her arms around him. "No, Matthew. Don't ever think that. There isn't a child alive who could have ever hoped for a better Daddy."

"You can say that again." Ziva added.

He looked up at Ziva, then noticed Rachel.

"I guess it's time for me to go, Abby." He said, looking back at the teddy bear. "They say that true love only comes once in a lifetime." He looked at her. "So why am I lucky enough to have found it twice?" He looked back at the bear. "They also say…if you love something…set it free." He turned to her. "So I'm setting you free, Abby. If you don't want to see me anymore…I understand…but know that I will always love you."

"No." Abby said forcibly and shook her head. "Don't ever think that, either. I will visit you every day…and I will be right here when you come back…I promise you that."

He wiped her tears with the back of his hand, kissed her forehead, then stood up and looked at her.

"Thank you." He said, and started shaking his head. "But I won't hold you to it."

After Rachel had walked out with him, Gibbs, who had picked up the travel bag, looked at Abby, then at Ziva, who only nodded.

Three hours later, Ziva looked over at Abby, who was sitting at DiNozzo's desk with her hands clasped and her forearms resting on it. She hadn't said a word since they had left Matthew's house.

She turned to look at Ducky, who was sitting at McGee's desk (Gibbs had called McGee to come and pick him and DiNozzo up from the hospital, because Rachel would have to be there for awhile), also watching Abby. Director Vance had gone to the hospital.

She turned back to Abby. "He's going to be alright." She said.

Abby looked at her, then down at her hands.

A few minutes later, she looked up when the elevator chimed and saw them exit it.

"How is he?" She asked.

"They've admitted him." Gibbs replied. "Their policy is no visitors for forty-eight hours."

Abby only nodded.

"How could I have missed it?" She asked.

"Abby, even Rachel didn't expect this to happen." Gibbs told her. "The signs just weren't there."

"Things like this affect everyone involved." Rachel said. "Not just the person it happens to."

After she had finished getting Matthew checked in, she had gone to N.C.I.S. to talk to Abby, grabbing a quick lunch along the way. They were currently sitting in the conference room.

Abby stared at her, but didn't reply.

"For over five years," Rachel continued, "Sarah was at the center of every decision he made…even those that couple's don't normally face, such as whether or not to work late, because a couple can depend on the other person to pick up any slack."

Abby still just stared.

"Then you came along…and turned both of their worlds upside down…for the better." Rachel added.

"But I wasn't enough to help him this time." Abby told her. "When he really needed me."

"Are you sure about that?" Rachel asked.

Abby gave her a puzzled look.

"What do you think would have happened had you not been there?" Rachel asked.

Abby shook her head. "I don't want to think about it."

"Alright…but if he were sitting here…right now…what would you say to him?" Rachel asked.

Abby thought for a moment before answering.

"I would tell him that I love him." She began, her eyes tearing up. "And that he doesn't have to be afraid of the future."

"You hit the nail on the head." Rachel smiled. "Sarah was dependent on him to such a degree, that he became dependent on her…to give him a purpose."

When Abby didn't respond, she continued.

"Now that she is gone, he is questioning everything about himself…including whether or not someone can care about him."

"But I never gave him a reason to." Abby replied.

"You didn't have to." Rachel shook her head. "Think of it as…withdrawal symptoms. In a way, he was addicted to Sarah's dependency…her death forced him to quit, cold turkey."

"Will he be OK?" Abby asked.

"I had to get him to see it…on his own." Rachel nodded. "Which is why I stopped Ziva from jumping on him. He has a very strong will, we just need to get him to focus it somewhere else." She leaned forward. "That's where you come in."

"Will he see me?" Abby asked, terrified of the answer.

Rachel smiled. "That was the last thing he asked me before I left…whether or not I thought you would come visit."

"What did you tell him?"

Her smile grew bigger. ""I can guarantee it."…he smiled."

Abby just smiled.

Rachel's smile faded and she looked down.

"Abby," She began hesitantly. "I…uh…" She looked at Abby. "I have to ask you this. Did he threaten you?"

Abby shook her head without hesitation.

"Not once." She said. "He told me to leave, but when I wouldn't, he just stared at the bed until you arrived."

Rachel nodded.

On Friday afternoon, Gibbs was at his desk, talking to Ducky, when Abby approached.

"Calling it a day?" Gibbs asked.

Abby nodded. "They said I could bring him dinner."

"How's he doing?"

"He's doing better…He actually smiled when I showed up yesterday." She said, smiling herself. "A real smile…I haven't seen one of those since before Sarah was admitted to the hospital."

"After only forty-eight hours." Gibbs said. "He'll be home before you know it…How are you doing?"

"Like Rachel told him…" She shrugged, "taking it one day at a time."

"It's all any of us can do." Ducky told her.

She smiled and started to say something, but hesitated.

"What is it?" Ducky asked.

"I never knew…the details of the accident…or the doubts that he had." She fought back tears. "I guess I don't know him as well as I thought I did."

"Do you remember what I told you about Sarah's migraine when he was in the hospital?" Ducky asked.

She just gave him a puzzled look.

"About how well she could hide her feelings." He clarified, and she nodded. "Where do you think she learned that from? For six years, he put on a brave mask…for her sake…it will take some time before he realizes he no longer has to wear it…but the very fact that he opened up as much as he did about the accident is a good sign."

"I just wonder…if I should have done something different." She replied.

"All things considered," Ducky said, "I think it ended ideally."

She gave him a puzzled look.

"Nobody was hurt." Ducky clarified. "And he's getting the help he needs…what other outcome would you have preferred?"

She considered this for a moment before nodding.

"I'll see you tomorrow." She said and turned to leave.

"Abby." Ziva said.

She stopped and turned to her.

"He questioned his ability to go on." Ziva began. "He questioned his abilities as a father…He questioned your ability to love him after this." She started shaking her head. "But he never questioned his own love for you."

Abby considered this for a few seconds before turning to Ziva and smiling.

"Thank you." She said, and headed to the elevator with a lighter step.

Gibbs waited for the elevator doors to shut before turning to Ducky.

"Between the lines." He said.

Ducky took a moment to consider his reply.

"I have read all of your statements." He began. "And there isn't a doubt in my mind about his intent. This was not a…"cry for help"…No…he had made up his mind that he was going to end it. He was cold and calculating…the only conscious emotion that I could see was despair…no anger, no fear, no regret. The only…mistake…that he made, which we can all be grateful for, was that he wasn't thinking clearly after the dream. Had he been, he would have waited for Abby to leave before getting the gun…and I shudder to think of what would have been waiting for her when she returned."

"What stopped him?" Ziva asked.

"He didn't want to do it in front of Abby…perhaps out of a sub-conscious desire to protect her. But I don't believe it was his love for her that drove it, nor her love for him…it was Sarah's love for her that held him back. He didn't want to hurt the only woman, besides his wife, that Sarah had bonded with." Ducky replied. "But, once she had found him, had she stepped out of the room for even a minute…"

"Like, to answer a phone call." McGee said.

Ducky shook his head. "Don't do that, Timothy…you had no idea."

"Could he do it again?" Gibbs asked.

Ducky pondered this for a moment before answering.

"Unlikely." He finally replied. "Simply because the despair reached a critical point because he didn't know how to handle it. With the help that he's getting now, he will learn what to do before it reaches that point."

Gibbs looked up from his drink to see Ducky coming down the stairs.

He grabbed another glass, filled it, and handed it to Ducky when he walked up.

"Jethro," Ducky began after taking a drink, "you are not upset because Rachel missed any signs. Like you told Abby, there were none."

"Weren't there?" Gibbs asked.

"I don't even think he realized how close to the edge he was," Ducky replied, "until he woke up that morning."

"It wasn't his job to." Gibbs countered.

"Jethro," Ducky began, "As far as Matthew's state of mind is concerned, the one thing that all of your statements have in common is that he was not delusional. He knew where he was…he knew what he was doing…and, most important of all, he knew Sarah had died and wasn't coming back. One of the traits that psychologists look for in an unstable mind is the inability…or unwillingness…to accept current events as real…he did not display such a trait."

"Then what happened?" Gibbs asked.

"We'll probably never know for sure." Ducky answered. "Given the complexities of the human mind, there are very few definite answers…that is why psychology is considered part science, part art." He took a drink. "As late as the 1950's, they would strap patients into bed until they were "cured"…nowadays, the trend seems to be to drug them into submission…a trend which I happen to disagree with, and I have expressed my displeasure of it to Rachel…fortunately, she is in agreement with me, and will do everything she can to ensure it doesn't happen with Matthew."

"Even if it keeps him from doing it again?" Gibbs asked.

"Medicine does have its uses." Ducky replied. "For short term, temporary conditions…it should never be used in lieu of fixing the problem…however, I did not come here to debate psychiatric practices with you."

Gibbs just shrugged.

"What is this about, Jethro?" Ducky asked.

Gibbs thought for a few seconds before answering.

"There, but for the grace of God, Duck." He replied, shaking his head and taking another drink. "But for the grace of God."

Ducky just stared at him, suddenly comprehending.

"I apologize, Jethro." He said. "I completely failed to notice the similarities."

"It was almost exactly the same, Duck." Gibbs replied. "Although he got to spend six more years with her…Sarah died in that car accident. Half of me is envious of him…the other half is grateful for the fact that I didn't have to look at Kelly, day after day, knowing she had a death sentence on her…and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it." He finished his drink and poured another.

"That certainly puts a new perspective on it. And maybe that's what happened." Ducky contemplated. "Maybe it was six years of bottled up grief that suddenly came crashing down on him all at once…If that's the case, he handled it better than I would have." He paused to take a drink before continuing. "I highly doubt that I could have gone on for three weeks before breaking down…I will have to speak with Rachel about this…But she was certainly correct when she told him he has a tremendous amount of willpower."

"Abby told me that he has made up his mind about returning." Gibbs said, then shook his head. "He's not going to…Vance is placing him on "Unpaid Leave" status, so Rachel can still see him."

"I never expected him to return." Ducky said. "But he was a brilliant Agent."

"That he was." Gibbs agreed. "When he transferred from California, I told Jenny I wanted him on my team."

"She probably didn't want to stack the deck." Ducky laughed.

"Her words exactly." Gibbs laughed and took another drink.

"I'm actually quite surprised that Leon didn't offer him Nagen's position." Ducky said. "I mean, Susan is doing a great job…but he had seniority, and would have been the natural choice."

"He did offer it to him." Gibbs replied. "Before he was even released from the hospital. He turned it down."

"Did he give a reason?" Ducky asked.

"A perfectly legitimate one." Gibbs nodded. "But I think the real reason was because he had higher priorities."