Author's Notes: This was written for the Hell in High Heels ficathon for the spoiler_song community on LiveJournal. The original prompt was "River/Eleven, hot lovin' unexpectedly overheard by her parents, who find out that she really IS a screamer... preferably early in his timeline."
"The Surprise"
"It's the Ponds! Good morning, Ponds!" The Doctor sailed into the TARDIS' kitchen and twirled around the table, beaming at Amy, who was hunched over an extremely large mug of coffee, and Rory, who was scowling at his Roman sword as he polished it.
"Doctor," Amy bit out, the words going into the mug rather than to him.
"Amelia Pond! Why so glum, Amelia Pond? And Rory the Roman!" The Doctor clasped Rory's shoulder. "You've got your sword out this morning. This must be a sword morning! Oh, where did I put that cutlass of mine "
"Doctor," Rory said tersely and flashed the blade at him. Confused, the Doctor backed away a bit, deciding that grouchy Amy was better than glowering Rory.
"Cheer up, Ponds! It's a glorious day! We can do anything! Disco with the Raxfora! Skiing with the Judoon - it's about the only thing they do for fun. Attend one of the weddings of Henry VIII! Visit Versailles!" He frowned. "Need to make sure we don't cross my own timeline there. We can "
"Doctor," Amy said. "Is River here?"
"River?"
"River Song. Your wife. Our daughter, in case you happened to have forgotten."
"Oh, but she was suppose to be a surprise. I picked her up from the Stormcage last night." The Doctor scratched at his cheek. "Why?"
"Doctor," Rory spoke up, "we really need to have a chat about you and our daughter."
The Doctor paled a bit.
"And about the fact that you're um " Here, Rory faltered. "Well, that's to say ..."
"Oh, just spit it out, Rory," Amy growled, too tired to care about propriety. She shoved out of her chair and jabbed at the Doctor's chest. "You and River have sex."
The Doctor turned sheet white.
"Very. Loud. Sex."
His cheeks promptly turned the color of a rare Mars overripe tomato.
"On the TARDIS console."
His mouth opened and closed like a fish and squeaking noises came out.
"I didn't want to particularly find out that our daughter is a screamer!" Amy yelled just as River walked in.
"Oh, good morning, Mother. Good morning, Father." River bussed the Doctor's cheek and helped herself to coffee. "I thought this was suppose to be a surprise?"
"Oh, it was very surprising all right," Amy said.
The Doctor immediately broke free and dove behind River. "Save me," he whimpered.
"I'm not saving you from my parents, sweetie. I told you we'd wake them up, but you wouldn't stop."
"You weren't exactly stopping me, you know!"
"It's not like I was coherent enough after a certain point!"
The Doctor beamed at her and leaned in, his lips nuzzling her ear. "That's because I'm very, very, good." Then he caught sight of Rory and his sword and shoved River away. "Or, not! I'm very, very bad! Completely rubbish! Terrible at it all."
"So, my daughter was screaming about how bad you were in bed?"
"Yes! I mean, no! I mean, I'm not bad or anything, but I mean, you shouldn't be asking these things, Amelia Pond. River!"
"Oh, all right, sweetie." River patted his arm and decided to be merciful. "C'mon, Mother, let's go sit in the library with a cuppa."
"Fine," Amy said and picked up her mug. She scowled at the Doctor. "And if you forget to enable the soundproofing again, you and I will have words. Got it?" River winked at the Doctor and followed Amy out of the kitchen, closing the door behind them.
The Doctor let out a whoosh of breath in relief, then caught sight of Rory and the sword. He swallowed, then edged toward the door. "Um there's this thingy. With the uh thing. On the console. Needs tweaking. I should go tweak it." He grabbed the knob and jiggled it only to discover two things:
1) River had nicked the sonic from his jacket pocket. Again.
2) She'd used it to sonic the knob so he was locked in the kitchen with Rory and his sword.
The Doctor gulped, glanced at Rory and waggled his fingers.
"So, Doctor," Rory said. "About you and River ..."