Author's Notes: This came about when someone on Tumblr reblogged the quote the Doctor says to Dorium at the end of "The Wedding of River Song." "Her days, yes. Her nights ... well, that's between her and me." For some reason, I thought of River spending her days actually running the Stormcage instead of being a prisoner, and well ...
"The Stormcage's Real Warden"
"Now, tell me, who runs this prison? Dr. Song? Or me?" The warden's face was nearly puce as he yelled at the assembled forces of the 100 most-hardened, or rather too chicken to flee, guards at the Stormcage Containment Facility.
No one said a word. There were a couple of coughs and the new recruit from Mars looked a distinct shade of green.
"Well? Answer me! Who?" The warden screamed. He jabbed a pudgy finger at one of the quivering men. "Cleric!"
"Um ... Er ... Well ... Dr. Song," he stammered.
"Not the right answer!"
"No, uh. Sir? She's right behind you."
Moving faster than even he thought possible, the warden spun to see River perched on the edge of the briefing room table, dressed in a sapphire evening gown that showed more cleavage that was legal in three galaxies, and a dazzling smile on her face. She waved. "Good day, warden!"
"You are not suppose to be out of your cell!"
"Well, I heard that the subject of today's briefing was to be me, and I wanted to participate. Interoffice memos. Quite useful." She held up a memo cube suspended between her index and middle fingers.
He stalked up to her, pushing his nose in her face. River inhaled through her mouth. This warden particularly enjoyed eating X'jran sausage for his lunch, and it always reeked. "Go back to your cell at once! Do you realize you've singlehandedly turned this prison into a laughingstock?"
"Well, considering you can't keep one woman in her cell, I agree that does speak to some rather startling security holes. You should get right on that." River pressed a kiss to the corner of the warden's mouth, pleased when he dropped at her feet. She pushed off the table and picked up a small clutch that matched the gown.
"All right, boys, my husband's picking me up for dinner, and he's late again. Bless. Keep up the good work, and Bishop Jenkinson, do remember to order those repairs in the southern electrical gate. I sneaked out of there way too easily during exercise period last week."
"Yes, ma'am!" One of the clerics barked.
"And, remember, Kilt Day's tomorrow! I will be checking to make sure you're not wearing any pants!" River winked, deactivated the small sleeping gas bomb she had palmed in her hand and sauntered toward the corridor as the clerics dropped peacefully to sleep.