Here is the second chapter. Let me know what you think.
Entering the building I am immediately embraced by my mother. And again I feel the tears threatening to fall but they don't, they don't exist anymore. Pulling away I notice that her mom is missing, my guess is that she is with Henry. "Where's Henry?" I need to see him, I need to hug and kiss him, I need to tell him. He needs to know what today is, what's going to happen, that everything will be okay, he needs to know that his mommy and I love him. My mother points to the left of me and out of the corner of my eye I see a door. I begin walking in that direction, continuing to think about how I will explain all this to a four year old. Now facing the door, hand on the handle I take one last deep breathe and tell myself turn and push, turn and push. I can do this I have to do this. Turning the knob and pushing the door open I am met with the only sight that could possibly warm my heart, her son, my son, our son. He turns toward me when he hears the door open and before I know it he is running towards me hitting my leg full power and engulfing me in the tightest hug he can manage. "Mommy Emmy, I missed you." He says this with the brightest blues eyes, just like hers, and the biggest smile.
"I missed you too, little man." I force myself to smile, which is actually easier than I thought. I scoop him up and give him just as tight of a hug as the one I had just received. For a moment I almost forget what has happened what I am here to do. Almost.
"Where Mommy?" As he says this he pulls away slightly leaning into my arms with his little arms wrapped around my neck, his eyes searching behind me, looking for her. I feel my smile fade and I some how manage to keep my composure to his question, the question I have been dreading, the question I knew was coming. Swallowing the lump that has been growing in my throat I head to the couch that is located on the opposite wall and sit.
"Buddy, you know that me and mommy love you so much right? That you are the most important thing in the world to us right?" He nods his head vigorously and has the biggest smile. "You know that like your uncles, mommy and me help people, we fight bad guys?"
Again he nods ands states very adamantly with pride, "Yup." A one word answer, but it speaks volumes.
"We you know how sometimes me or mommy or you uncles sometimes get hurt, well buddy mommy got hurt this time." He is staring at me processing my words, his eyes sadden, the brightness of his baby blues are darkening.
"I make it better, like mommy. I give her boo boo a kiss, it be all better." Now I know my heart is broken, the pain I feel is unreal. I am fighting back tears that some how have appeared, and I am struggling to keep it together.
"Henry, buddy, we can't fix it with a kiss. Mommy was hurt real bad." Before I can say more he interrupts me with, "Doctor make her better?" I can't do this. Deep breath, in, out, in, out. I have to do this. "We took Mommy to the doctor and they tried to make her better but they couldn't. Mommy was hurt too badly." He now has tears in his eyes, I have to finish before I can't, my mind is racing, my heart is screaming. "Henry, Mommy is in heaven." There I said it. I made it through, the hard part is over.
Nope not over. Henry is shaking his head, "NO. I WANT MOMMY! WANT MOMMY!" Nope definitely not over.
"I know buddy, I want Mommy too believe me I do, but Mommy can't come home." What do I say now, the truth, we love him, what he needs to hear. "She's in heaven watching over you and me now. Just because Mommy isn't here with us doesn't me she doesn't love us anymore. Mommy loves us so much and she will be watching over us everyday." I don't know what else to tell him, I don't even know how much of this he understands, that is until he speaks.
He is fighting back tears and trying to catch his breath, "Mommy with Auntie Haley?" God he is so smart for four.
"Yeah, buddy. Mommy and Auntie Haley are up in heaven watching over us." It's all I can say, any more and I know I will fall apart. I pull him into a hug allowing a few tears to fall. As both our tears begin to subside, I see her father enter the room, indicating it's time. I should tell him what is about to happen, what to expect, "Henry, we are going to go into a room filled with lots of people. These people are here to help us remember Mommy and what a wonderful person she was, is." As our eyes meet, I see the sparkle, how ever dim is back.
We stand, him still in my arms, and we tentatively make our way out of the room. As we exit the room, I again am stopped in my tracks. There in front of me is her casket, her mahogany casket. With Henry on my hip we head towards it. "Mommy." I look at him and nod, standing next to it he places a little hand on it, than looks back at me. "Love you Mommy." Again, a complete lack of words. Before anything else can be said the double doors that led to the auditorium open. The guys take their places next to the casket and gently lift it and head towards the open preparing to begin the painstaking walk to the front of the auditorium. Standing in front of them I too prepare to make the daunting walk. As I am about to pass the through the opening I find myself frozen in place. Standing there I see what I could only imagine and truly I would never have imagined such a sight. Before me is an auditorium completely pack with mourners, with people who want to pay their last respects, family, friends, fellow officers and officers from precincts and agencies across the country and they take up just the floor. They are seated in fold out chairs in endless rows leading up to a stage, where there is a podium, a single podium stands on the stage. All that I expected, at least to an extent but what is unexpected, completely unexpected is that the stadium seating, the actual auditorium seating appears to have someone in every seat, and the realization hits me that most of these people probably have never meet her, may not have even known of her until her death, but since than felt a need to be in her presence, to show their respect, their gratitude, in who she was, what she did and what she represented.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to see her mom looking at me with such love in her eyes. How she still can find love in her heart amazes me. I return the smile she gives me and take my first step out. As I do this everyone stands which causes me to stop again. I hear bagpipes begin to play Amazing Grace. I am speechless, with Henry still in my arms I find I again have tears in my eyes but before I can do anything about them, a small, chubby little hand wipes a few of them away. Turning I look at my little man, who also has a few tears in his eyes. Giving him a quick kiss which makes him giggle a small little giggle we continue to walk down the endless isle. As we reach the stage we head to the left which has several empty chairs and we take the closest to the isle. The guys continue the walk a little future so that her casket is literally front and center. As they set it down the song comes to an end and everyone takes a seat. For a moment, I don't know what is happening, I don't know what has been planned but I need not worry as always Hotch does what he does best, he takes charge. He ascends the stairs leading to the stage and takes his place behind the podium. I see his eyes traveling the room, taking in the presence of everything, of everyone until his eyes settle on mine. I give him a nod letting him know I am ready for what ever is in store, so he begins.
"I have been asked to speak on behave of the family. My name is Aaron Hotchner, and I was not only fortunate enough to be Agent Jareau's supervisor, but proud and honored to be her friend. JJ was like no one you will ever meet. She was not only loving, caring, compassionate but also the best shot on my team." This warrants a little laugh out of the audience, if only they knew, she was that and so much more. As he stands there I see a small smile grace his lips, looking up at the crowd he continues.
"I can't help but wonder what is going through her mind right now, looking down on us and on this spectacle that is her memorial. She was such a private person when it came to friends and family that I know she would be slight embarrassed and a little uncomfortable with all the attention, which says a lot since for many years she was our communications liaison and dealt with the public and was in the spot light quiet often, but this, this is different, this is completely out of her comfort zone." As he says this he looks up as if he is looking up at her and I can't help but think he is so right, this is so not JJ.
"This may not be JJ, but what it represents is. She enjoyed reminiscing about old times, remembering good memories and spending time with friends and family. As cliché as it sounds, she would not want us to wallow in self pity, or shed too many tears over her death, but she would want us to smile and laugh as we celebrate her life. She would be the first to tell you that she had a great life. She knew the risks with the job and did it anyway. She leaves behind her team, her parents, a wife and a son. Her team, which I am proud to be a part of, became a team by chance but friends and family by choice. Her parents, they sold their home in East Allegheny and moved to Virginia just to be closer to her and her family. Her wife, Emily, a woman that would do anything and I am sure has done anything that JJ ever wanted. Last her son, Henry, who is a spitting imagine of his mother from his blonde hair to his compassionate heart. Without a doubt the world became a little darker when JJ left it, but Henry being a part of her will help us all get through it, having a little JJ in the world definitely will make it brighter." With hearing his name Henry holds his head a little higher, his smile beaming hearing him being compared to his mother.
"Though her death came far too soon, and no doubt will leave a hole in the hearts of so many the contributions she made to this world in her short life will live on forever. I know I am a better person having known her and from having her in my life, I will be forever grateful for her, for helping me become the person she always knew I was, knew I always could be. She loved and is loved. She will be missed but she will never be forgotten." There is a round of applause as Hotch finishes his speech. I will have to remember to thank him for such wonderful words. "The family would now like to open the podium to those who would like to share memories of JJ."
As he says this I can't help but think of my memories with her. I find myself unable to concentrate on the people who walk on the stage. I know I should pay attention but I can't, somehow I feel listening to them will only help to solidify the fact that JJ is gone. I know she is, I know there is nothing I can do about it but that doesn't mean I have to like it. As person after person approach the stage I find myself remembering when we first meet. We briefly met in Hotch's office but got to know each other over the next few days when we went over protocols. I remember when we admitted we had feelings for each other. I knew I had feelings for you when I saw you kiss him and you told me you realized you had feelings for me when I mentioned to Jane that you don't choose who you fall in love with. I remember when we realized those feelings were love. We realized it at the same time, relatively speaking. In New York, the car bomb and the complete lack of knowing who was hurt if anyone. That's when we stopped fighting it, that's when we admitted not only to ourselves but to each other as well. I remember the first time we kiss. It was a quick kiss, nothing earth shattering, nothing mind blowing but it did both for me. Right after we said I love you to each other we sealed it with a kiss, it was the best damn kiss ever. I remember the first time we made love. I remember how nervous we both were. Looking back I find it funny. I mean really we both have had sex before, many times but man did I feel like it was my first time and all intense and purpose it was my first time. I had never felt the way I did with anyone before. I had never wanted something so much, someone so much, never have I ever loved anyone, made love to anyone until you.
I remember how it took you forever to break through all my compartments, but how you never gave up. Damn you were so stubborn. I remember telling the team about us or rather them telling us about us. We should have known we couldn't hide it from them, really they are the best profilers in the world, just my unbiased opinion. I remember you giving birth to Henry. How so very proud of you I was, you were so strong, I couldn't have done it, but than you were always tougher than me. I remember asking Henry if I could spend forever with him and his mommy, asking him for his blessing to marry his mommy. I planned the whole day just me and him. At the end of our day of fun we sat on a bench and I told him I had a very important question to ask him. He sat there so patiently waiting for me. I finally asked him, it took awhile to find the right words I mean he was only two, hard to explain what you're asking to a two year old but he seemed to understand, which shouldn't surprise me since he is your son. When we got home I had planned a wonderful evening for us after he was down for the night, where I planned on asking you but Henry had a different plan and blurted it out before I got a chance. The lack of understanding on your face was priceless than the tears in your eyes when you realized I was on one knee with a ring in my hand. You were in complete shock as you covered your mouth with your hands. It felt like eons before you finally said something and thank god it was yes. I remember our wedding. On a bluff over looking the city, overlooking D.C., that's where we exchanged our vows, promised to spend forever loving one another. It was simple, but that's us. Nothing major, nothing over the top, but it was perfect, you were perfect. Seeing you walk towards me is a sight I will never forget, but what did me in was when you said "I do" that's the moment, the moment all my dreams came true. God, its memories like that, which I will cherish and treasure until we see each other again.
Coming out of my thoughts I realize that two hours had passed and I can't recall a single thing anyone has said. Hotch again is at the podium, "Thank you all for coming here today to help us remember and celebrate the life of JJ. We will now head to the cemetery to continue the service. At the request of the family the remainder of the ceremony will we a private affair, just immediate family and close friends. We hope you will understand. We have enjoyed immensely the stories and memories that have been shared here today and again thank you all for coming." With that said Hotch descends the stairs, as he passes each of the pallbearers, they stand and follow, each taking their spot at her casket. I stand with the remaining people in my row. However unlike the entrance, Henry and I don't lead her out instead we follow this time. The guys gently lift her casket and we begin the walk but in reverse and again like before everyone stands, but this time the room is quiet, hard to believe a room large enough for hundreds of people could be quiet enough to hear the shoes of those walking. Instead of setting her down in the gathering room like before we head straight out to the car, right out to the hearse. We again load her in, and again we climb in to our vehicles and like before we have a full police escort and like before we are accompanied by dozen of vehicles from varying agencies. The drive isn't as long as before, we all pull into the cemetery. We exit the vehicles and again like so many times today, though this being the last time, the guys open the hearse and pull out her casket. I can't bear to say her name in the same sentence as the word casket, seems a little funny but I can't and therefore I won't.
We walk the grounds until we come to our spot. I say our spot because I have already purchased the spot next to hers. I know kind of creepy, a bit morbid maybe but I want to spend forever with her and that means after death as well. It really is a perfect spot, just on top of a hill, which I'm sure the guys appreciate, having to carry her up here, but I don't care it's the best spot to spend forever. It over looks the city and is shaded by a large oak tree and there is a bench near by, okay the bench I donated the bench, it's dedicated to the most loving woman, mother, daughter, and wife in the world. Yeah I know cheesy and a little geeky but JJ loved my geekyness. The guys place her down for the last time. As they back away from her casket Hotch approaches me, he reaches into his coat pocket at presents me with a box. "Strauss wanted to give this to you at the memorial, I made it clear that, that was not to happen. I know JJ wouldn't appreciate it and I know you wouldn't either, but it's hers, yours. She earned it and you deserve it." As he states this he opens it and inside is the memorial star, given to the family of Agents who die in the line of duty. I'm taken back. I never even considered this, it never entered my mind. I reach out and take it from him and then show it to Henry, as another tear, which I thought there were no more, finds its way down my check. Standing next to her casket surround with just family and friends I find myself relaxing, if you can really call it that. This is more JJ's style, just friends and family, nothing fancy, nothing glamorous, just us being us.
We have decided against a Priest. Not wanting anything too formal. Here is where the team, where the family has decided to share their words, their memories. We have shared so many already that I don't know if there are any left to share, but I guess this is really a time to share our love with each other, remind one another that we are here and that we loved and love JJ. I'm not sure who will begin I half expected it to be Rossi. Honestly I expected Hotch but since he said his peace at the memorial my next guess is Rossi but it's not him, it's actually Reid who starts off.
"JJ, I miss you." It's simple but so very Reid. "I don't understand how you can just be gone. I mean I do but I don't. I still expect you to be there, watching out for me, taking care of me, explaining pop culture references that I don't understand." We all let out a slight laugh, knowing that he is half joking but still serious. "I don't know how to go on. I'm mad, I mad that its you who's gone, you had so much but I know that's not how it works. I just don't know what to do, how to go on." He is choking back tears, with his head hung. Sometimes it's hard to remember that he is unmistakably a genius, because at times he still acts like a child. I walk over to him, with Henry in my arms and place my hand on his shoulder. He looks up and our eyes meet and I hug him. He's stiff at first no surprise, I normally don't hug but normal has been thrown out the window.
"We get through this together, that's how." I whisper this in his ear. He nods and returns the hug. As we pull away I feel an arm snake around my waist and turn to see Morgan next to me. Guess it's his turn.
"Blondie, what are we going to do with out." This is said with a smirk and a shake of his head. He knows JJ would smack him for calling her Blondie. "I know we have butted heads on occasion, but I hope you know just how much I respected you, how much I cared for you. There are very few people I would trust with my life, but you, you I would trust not only with my life but my family's as well." I can't believe he said that. Morgan doesn't trust people, he respects them but trust is something most people will never get from him, too many people have done him wrong and it is the hardest thing for him to do. "I know you are watching over us, I know you will keep us safe. Oh, would you mind if I borrowed you beautiful wife once in awhile, I miss my wing man and could really use her help." He says this in full grin looking up at the sky. I can't help but smile as well. JJ would again smack him for that remark as well.
"Really, you are such an as_." But I stop myself before I say ass since Henry is still in my arms. I'm facing him so I mouth ass and we all share a laugh. It's what we all needed. Before he moves away he leans in and kisses my temple, pulling me in a bit, his way of letting me know he is here for me if I need him. He returns to his place next to Garcia and place his arm around her shoulder. They really should be together, I hope they figure it out before it's too late. She leans into him and her eyes meet mine and I smile because I know if I don't she will lose it and break down. I can't let her because then I would as well.
"Peaches, this isn't how it was suppose to go down. Who am I going to confide all me deep darks to, all my wishes, all my worries, all of my all to. No, I have to think happy thoughts, right happy thoughts. How am I suppose to stay sane working where we work, doing what we do, seeing what we see. You are the one who held us all together. I told you once you are the glue that keeps us together, you really are the best of us all." I know she wants to say more but I know at the same time she can't. I'm sure you'll be hearing from her a lot, just remember to make time for me, I don't want to have to take a number to talk to you. I can't but smile as I think this. Morgan's grip tightens around her shoulder as well as Kevin's grip of her hand.
I smile at her, letting her know that I understand. Out of the corner of my eye I see Rossi take a step forward. This hands folded in front of him. Looking at his hands he begins to fiddle with his ring. "I remember when I came back to the BAU and first met you. Honestly all I could think about was your pretty face and how we didn't have Agents like you when I was in the FBI way back when. Never occurred to me you could actually do your job at least not as well as you did." Oh how JJ would love to hear this, but I guess she can. "There were times when we didn't see eye to eye but in the end it was you I learned the most from. Because of you I continue to write and continue to lecture, I never told you that but after Zoe, I was going to be done with it all until you told me why you joined the FBI. I will forever be grateful for that, it helped remind me of why I do what I do." She would be happy to know that she is the reason he still lectures. He is so very good at it and it would be a shame if he stopped.
I look over at her parents, they told me before hand that they weren't sure if they would have the strength to say anything but JJ's father looks determined. He has been staring at her casket but raises his head and begins. "I want to thank you all for being here for JJ when her mother and I couldn't. She spoke so very highly of you all and would with pride refer to you all as her family, not her second family but her family. You have all be so kind to us, welcoming us into your lives. We will be forever thankful that you were able to give JJ a home. Her years with you all were some of the best if not the best years of her life. Her heart would burst out of her chest knowing just how much you all cared. Though she is gone I know she is watching over us and will be until we are all again reunited." With that the last of his resolve is gone and he cries. He wraps his arm around his wife both pulling strength for each other, even though neither really has any to give.
We stand in silence for a few moments before a few other family and friends share some moments. Sadly the only thing I can think of is that sooner or later it will be my turn and I have not idea what to say or even if I can say something. I am at a complete loss at the moment. Not sure what to say. What do you say to you life when your life is gone. How do you thank these people who have become your family, for all that they have done and for everything you know they will do? You can't thank them properly, and there really aren't any words. Hearing my name finally brings me back to reality. Looking on at my friends and family, our friends and family, I see their concern, their loss, their pain and I know that it doesn't matter what I say it won't change anything, You will still be gone and we will all still have this insurmountable pain.
"I don't know what to say." I know original right but I'm going to go with the truth, with my heart, say what I need to say. "I just want to thank you all for coming, for showing your love and support. I know JJ's heart would warm seeing all the love here today. I just…." But before I can finish, before I can say anything my resolve gives out and I find my body, my mind, my heart won't let me say anything else. Everyone is looking on, I see their concern. I turn to Hotch, begging him with my eyes for some help and like always he comes through. He approaches me, gives me a kiss on the temple and then proceeds to place a white rose on her casket. Thankfully everyone else takes his lead and does the same until it is just Henry and me.
Holding Henry's hand we approach her casket. Kneeling down so that I am eye level with my little man I find my voice again. "Do you want to say anything to Mommy?" He turns to me and than back to her casket as he nods but says nothing. "Go head buddy, she can hear you." I have no idea what else to say to a four year old.
"Love you Mommy." Simple and yet the most important statement that can be made. "Miss you lots." He turns to me, and kisses my cheek, "Me and Mommy Emmy, we be okay, you watching us right." The way it was said you know it wasn't a question, he knows we will be alright. With that he looks up towards the sky and blows a kiss.
"We will be okay buddy. Mommy is watching us and she will make sure we are okay." Not sure where the words are coming from, maybe some inner strength, maybe some strength given to me by my own blue eye, blonde hair angel. "Jennifer, I miss you so much and love you even more." The strength was short lived but really what more is there to say. I look at Henry, "You ready buddy?" He looks at me and then the casket and nods. I lift him up and together we stand up and place our roses on your casket, yeah I finally admitted that it was your casket.