I know it was supposed to be a long sunny summer
But somehow, drops of water have begun to fall from the sky,
The pouring rain which has called from somewhere a merciless wind
But the drops of water have become snowflakes, and I wonder...
'Where's my summer?'

Scarf after scarf, I search for your smell
But just air with no perfume I inhale over and over again,
In the ocean of faces, in the theatre filled with masks
I can't stop myself from looking at each one of them
'Where are you now?'

All alone I walk, and I have no destination at all
But all that I know, is that I am alone, searching for a dream...
Lost my faith, lost my hope in love but, I'm still...
Searching for a sign that might be right after the corner...
'No...Maybe the next one...'

Once, I knew how to smile, I felt alive...
But now, I can't remember how...
Once, I knew only one season, the summer...
But now, I can't find the sun... and I'm...I'm...
'I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy.'

Chapter 11: Goodbye, but I love you

I opened my eyes because I felt something on my lips, and then something wet and warm on my cheek falling down from my cheek, on her hand.

However, I know, I can't find the words that can tell the story that I want to write, I am wordless, I don't know the word that can express who I am, but I know what word can tell what and who you are along with me.

And in this silence, I can hear, and in this dim light, I can see … the unmasked truth.

Maybe because you always loved me, Celine, and I always knew, and I have always ignored even the slightest sign, your care and your kindness toward me and towards all that I am.

'I don't deserve any of it.' I thought while your lips are retreating from my lips, and with black wide opened eyes, I stare at you.

With tears, which are still wet from your eyes to your cheek, and with a message so very clear within your eyes, message that I think it's also written in my eyes.

'But for whom are you crying, Celine? For me, for you, or for us? For Naruto?'

I wanted to ask this astray thought, but I opened my mouth, and I closed it, but my eyes, are still wide, open and attentive at her, as she's still in front of me.

None of us has moved, not even one centimeter, and you're still crying, and I still look at you, without saying anything, without doing anything to comfort you, like a heartless beast.

'I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say...and I don't want you to misunderstand.' This thought was the last one thought made of confusion, because you have begun to speak with your head in the mattress, hiding yourself from me and with a broken voice.

I heard and I listened attentive, but I don't know what I should have to understand.

"I know you feel nothing for me and for women in general, so just go after him, not because he's a guy, but because you are so in love that you didn't even have had the decency to push me away."

Without thinking, like a child, my mouth spoke before my brain:

"Why ...?"

I almost asked, but I stopped myself and in the same time, she spoke to me:

"You didn't even realize...you didn't even notice that you are so worried that you don't even smoke anymore...you don't even feel the need. You forgot everything else, but..."

She said as she muffled her words further in the mattress, a low scream could be heard, but I was too shocked that I couldn't say anything.

It was confusing; in a way, but for a second…just for a second...this thought has crossed through my mind:

'I think I understand.'

After this whole scene, she has walked, or almost crawled slowly to the door of my room, and still without looking at me, she whispered to me:

"If you leave, I'll take care of Felix, you don't have to worry about anything. But if you don't leave…if you don't leave…"

She finished nervous and with a sigh, at a loss of words.
Nevertheless, before she left and to close the door after her, I also whispered to her:

"I know."

And with that, she closed the door after her, and I remained there, in my bed, looking at the window, to realize that it's barely afternoon.

And as always, I get the same feeling, the feeling which I've always had, since I was a kid.

'When I look at a window, I feel like caged bird. Like a prisoner in a prison. Like...like...me.'

I stood here for more than I could estimate, thinking at nothing at all, even if I already know that in my subconscious, the scene it's playing repeatedly in my mind, like an endless movie.

Analyzing every detail, with the experience of an expert, but still, with eyes like of a child.

However, I refused to draw a conclusion from it.
Without realizing or maybe, without letting myself to realize my actions, I got up from my bed.

With a firm ambition to don't let the truth visible in my mind, reachable, or even existent; ignoring it with my entire might.

Every single thought that could interfere, that could make me stop in my tracks, or that could make me be a coward again.

'This time, I'll fight.'

I walked to the closet, and I changed my clothes to something that can keep me warm, but won't make me look like I have 10 kg, more than I have.
As I did this, I refused to look in the mirror.

And like this, I quickly stared at my hand on the knob of the entrance door.

'Is this the right decision?' I asked myself, me, and no one else.

However, I heard a caterwaul behind me, and I looked, to see Felix with a spark in her eyes, a spark which I only saw once, but this has happened a long time ago, this is the second time when I see it in my life.

But now, I know what I have to do.

"I promise that this time… I'll bring him back."

I said to Felix in the pure silence of my apartment but even so, I saw Celine's shadow in the kitchen, and I knew that she heard me, and I even heard her voice whispering to me, or to the silence, barely audible but I heard it, as I closed the entrance door.

She whispered: "Goodbye."

And I know that she looks at me as I got out of the block, out of her way, our of her visual range, and out…

I know, but I let her think that I don't know that she looks at me, that she's still crying and like this, I let her have a least bit of dignity, so she will be able to get up from the floor.

'I'm sorry.'

And like this, my steps have carried me to the only place that they could carry me; the only place that they know right now.

Pavement slowly became to look like a painting with its colorful leaves on it, and the trees are many, green and all around me, almost covering the sky, so I have to look ahead, to see it.

I see the white clouds moving along with the earth, I see this now, with my two black wide opened eyes, as if I'm curious, as if I'm searching for a sign in the sea of clouds that have countless colors. Even the shadows are masking the purple, blue or black, maybe even other colors.

The ghostly moon looks back at me with its unchanging stare, as if asking me: 'Why do I waste the fact that despite being a dot for her on this planet, I don't move, like I am a planet, rotating around the sun, along with all the other planets, being no different, not even trying to be different anymore.

Thinking very silently, within myself: 'Around the sun, or around you… almost burned.'

Somehow, I'm waiting for the moon itself, to tell me: 'Go after him'; but it just makes me feel even more worthless, or even more desperate and shameful.

The wind hides himself around the tress, moving the leaves, whispering to me, and the white clouds slowly becoming even more colorful, but sad, with a grey color, as if I didn't already know:

'The storm is coming.'

I thought it while I sigh, and I looked just in front of me, at the unchangeable view. I look at the small pavement of the park and at the green tress, not too high, nor too small, but while they are dancing a little with the kind breeze of the quiet wind while the noisy ones are the leaves.

The lake at my right, and the road in front of me, while …

I've quickly looked at my left, because of pure intuition, at a bank that it's not empty but changed, with a boy sitting on it, in a quite rude posture, as if sleeping there but not looking like a beggar either.

But even so, this time, I was the first one to speak.

To be continued…

Not an incredible long chapter and many things happen in a way but in another way, it's like nothing happens. However, I hope you know who's on that bank…I won't tell you until the next chapter but still…

However, I have a new poll, if anybody is interested, of course.

And the next chapter will be up on 28, 29, or 30 October.

I don't particularly like this chapter but I have a writer's block and that's why I think it's not really great, it was really hard to write, and I know you'll be asking: What was so hard to write?

Well, when you have no mood to write but you want to write, and have a kind of an idea but in the same time, a writer's block, it gets hard, and that's why this chapter is so small and lame, but it was a 'must' to happen.

The next chapter will be more interesting, I promise.

See you next time; hope everybody liked it, thank you!