.(Bills P.O.V), I'm still in a corner by the night stand in the same position that I was in before, I'm just staring at the door, then I heard someone turning the handle on the it, it was Tom, I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked up at him, he said my name softly, I asked what did he want, he said that we were goin home as soon as possible, I was confused, I was furious, he told me that they had decided to cancel the tour, I was mad because they decided without me, we always said to each other that we would make our decisions together, we made a promise, but that's not what really made me mad, then Tom said that everyone meant me and asked if I could go on with the tour, I really couldn't, I don't know why I said what I said and then I started to cry again, I finally told Tom what was really eating away at me, it was that I couldn't face the truth of that she was dead, but I want except it, I don't think I ever will, then Tom just hugged me tight, I liked that because I'm feeling pretty lonely right about now, and I feel like a ghost, I needed Tom more than ever right now, but I did want to be alone, so I could think more, Tom asked me if I wanted him to stay up with me, I said no and that he needed his sleep, and I said I would try to get some, and then he walked out of the room and shut the door softly, then I saw her bags on the other side of the bed, I looked down and then back at all of her stuff I walked over and I opened one of her bags, I picked it up and sat it on the ground, it smelled like her, that just made me cry again, I took everything out of her bag and set it beside me, I finally got to the bottom and I turned my head and looked down and then back at the bag , I saw a journal, I picked it up and opened it, the first thing I saw written in big bold letters was 'FUCK THE WORLD', I had to touch it because it was reddish burgundy looking, when I did, I knew it was blood, tears started running down my face again, the first page read,' God I can't live like this anymore, there's so much that Bill doesn't know, I don't think he ever will, too bad he doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors and I do have a lot of those, Bill always says that he wouldn't want anyone else, what does that mean? I sure as hell don't, Yeah he knows I smoke, but doesn't know I cut, I hope, he never will, god he doesn't know what I've done, oh well, he will probably figure it out soon, I just hope not too soon.' I couldn't believe what I was reading, it was so hard to read, but I just kept on reading anyway, 'Today I went to Connors to get a deal, I got everything you could possibly think of, heroine, meth, weed, LSD, Acid, Oxi cotton, ecstasy, cocaine, and a pipe, the first time I did coke it was kike stars and rainbows, the same with meth except you could stay awake for days, but it's been hard to keep it away from Bill, I've had to hide it, it's no wonder he hasn't found it yet, the same with the razors, there everywhere.' I had to stop reading for a second because I couldn't believe it, I was so blind, I mean I knew she did all of it I just didn't know for this long, I was crying again, I turned the page and read some more, ' Today, I will never forget, because it was the worst day ever, Bill found out about me cutting and he also found my stash, it just kinda happened, he looked at my wrists and told me to show it to him, and that's how he found out about that, and he found the drugs in my purse, and now he checks everywhere for razors and anything else, I woke up screaming last night, Bill held me, I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't, I heard Bill cry himself to sleep, he doesn't know that I know that, I'm so sorry that I'm hurting Bill, god but I don't know how to feel good anymore and that's the only way I know how to feel better, I can't take this life much longer, I wish it would just end, it's killing me.' I stopped reading, I was crying so hard I couldn't even breathe, I got up and put the journal on the night stand and sat on the floor beside the bed, I crossed my legs, I just sat there thinking, I looked at the clock, it was 1:00 A.M., I got up and went in to the bathroom, I went to the sink, I looked at myself in the mirror, mascara and eyeliner had ran down my face from crying so much, I took a deep breath, I got a rag and wiped as much as I could off my face, I cut on the shower, I shut and locked the door, I got undressed and stepped in to the shower, I stood under the warm water, showers had so many memories for me because it simply had to do with Anna, because in every hotel we kinda 'did it' in every single one that was near us, now every shower I step in to will have memories and make me think about her, I laughed a little because of what I thought, she would want me to me to laugh not cry, but I can't help it, none of us can, I thought about that, then I washed my hair, but I tried not to think about her, but she wouldn't stay out of my mind, the image of her standing on that edge and falling, wouldn't leave neither would the image of her dead body on the concrete, the whole night replayed over and over in my head, I tried to shake it out but I couldn't, she was gone and I couldn't do a damn thing about it no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't face the fact that she was gone, dead, never coming back, but I knew I had to find the strength to let her go some how but I didn't find it then, I finally just stopped thinking, I got out of the shower and I got dressed, then I got a towel and dried my hair and then I brushed it, then I walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, I sat on the bed, I stared at the floor then at the night stand, I saw a razor, I picked it up and stared at it, I was thinking about if I should cut myself or not, I thought about how many times Anna did it and how she described how it made her feel and how it did feel, would it hurt? I didn't wanna know, but then again I did, so I took the razor and put it next to my wrist, I hesitated, then I threw it across the room until it hit the wall, I knew that wasn't the answer, and I knew that she wouldn't want me to do this, I let the thought go and folded the covers back and laid down and curled up into a ball under the covers, I stared at the clock, It was 3:00 A.M. then I turned over and I fell asleep, I had a weird scary dream, I was in the wood's running, because I saw Anna on the edge of a cliff and there was a white light shinning that made her look like a ghost, all you could see was her shadow, she looked the same when she was standing on the edge of that building except she was wearing white dress, it was really long she looked like an angel because she looked like she had wings, but there were blood stains on her sleeves and across her back, it looked like she had been stabbed, because her back was drenched in blood, I could see her hands, they were covered in blood too, but as I kept running I never got any closer to her, it seemed I was getting farther away, and I tried to scream Anna don't, but nothing came out of my mouth, I couldn't speak and it didn't seem running was any good either, then I stopped and then I was behind Anna, I tried to call her name again but it didn't work, then she turned around and it was a horrible image, the whole front of her chest was soaked in blood and I could see the cuts from were she had been stabbed and her face was also covered in blood, but the only thing bad about the whole thing was that I could see her heart and it had razors in it and cuts and my name, but it was cut in there though, that's the only part I couldn't figure out, and that scared me the most and then she fell back off the cliff, I tried to scream "NO DON'T", but it didn't work, then I went to the edge and looked down, it was just a big deep black hole, then I felt something, someone push me, then I screamed no, now my voice works, then I saw a pool of blood with razors in it and then…I woke up instantly, I was screaming, "NO", tears were running down my face, I was crying franticly out of control, I was also hyperventilating, I was clutching Anna's teddy bear that she had had to my chest so tight, it felt like something was stabbing me in the chest, then Tom busted through the door, "WHAT?", he said, he came and sat down on the bed beside me, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I put the teddy bear beside me and put my hands on my chest, "What's wrong? Bill I don't understand", he was frantic trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and then I finally got out, "I—can't-breathe", and then air just flooded my lungs like I wanted to, I took a deep deep breathe, and then I said, "I had a bad dream", I was crying still, "Oh, it was about Anna, wasn't it?", I looked at him and shook my head up and down, "Yeah", "You wanna talk about it?", "I guess", I said, so I told Tom about my dream and then he said it would be okay and we would be leavening in the morning and I wouldn't have to look at these walls any longer, and then he left the room, yeah, I was tired of looking at these walls and tired of being here. I let the thoughts go and turned onto my side and I stared at my night light, funny, this was the first time In two years that I've had to sleep with one, it looked like burning fire, then I just closed my eyes, but every time I did I saw that horrible image of Anna, so I just stayed awake and I studied the entire room, every inch, every little detail, even though I was very tired I didn't close my eyes for anything in the world, then I saw her journal on the night stand, I went over and picked it up, I read were I left off,