From beneath the mask, there appeared… a grizzly bear like man!
"What the hell?" Morgan yelled.
"Holy Hay Zeus!" Reid squealed, pulling at his hair and straining against his chains. "You're David Rossi! I've read everything you've ever written, including your livejournal blogs!"
Rossi eyed him wearily. "You look like a pipe cleaner with eyes."
"What a perceptive and accurate observation!" Reid fangirled.
Rossi grimaced and turned towards the rest of the team. "Since Gideon has retired-"
"Get these chains the hell off of me!" a voice growled from the hall.
"Since Gideon has retired," Rossi started again, "I'll be taking over- I mean, taking his place."
"Welcome to the team," said Hotch. "But first, there are a few rules I think you should know about."
"Rules?" Rossi eyed Hotch critically.
"Yes, rules. First off, I'm in charge. Second, I'm in charge. And third, we all work as a team. Do you understand?"
"And fifth of all, we do not talk about fight club," Morgan added.
"What?" Reid asked, confused. "You mean 'fourth of all', Morgan," he corrected.
"Shut the hell up, Reid!" shouted Morgan, nibbling on the younger agent's ear.
"Mercy!" Reid cried.
"Right," said Rossi, scribbling in his notebook.
"Dave, is there something you'd like to share with us?" Hotch asked pointedly.
"No, I'm just jotting down some notes for my LJ."
"'Today I killed fifty-three ducks and had nineteen vivid flashbacks,'" Reid recited, quoting Rossi's blog entry from yesterday.
"That's word-for-word from my diary!" yelled Rossi, astonished.
"Yeah, we know," the room choired in unison. Garcia grunted in her sleep.
"And she's weird!" Rossi added.
Everyone nodded.
"You know, since you're not actually a therapist, you could be charged with incapacitating federal officers," Prentiss pointed out.
"And you could be charged with impersonating a troubled teenager," Rossi retorted, pointing at her made-up face.
"Let's just go back to the BAU office," Hotch sighed, finally realizing that they were all beyond help.
Since first of all, Hotch was in charge, second of all, Hotch was in charge, and third of all, some hippie crap about love and unity, Rossi pulled out his big key and inserted it into everyone's handcuffs.
"Hey, Reid," Morgan hissed into boy genius' ear, "stuff these in your pants." He indicated the handcuffs. "Tonight, I'm gonna turn acute ass obtuse."
"Oh, Morgan, speak dirty to me," Reid mewled as he obliged, stuffing the handcuffs into the big empty space in the front of his pants.
"Yeah, I was talking about Garcia's ass. Duh."
Reid cried.