He tossed and turned all night. The wanting for the dream to be real, increased the pain.
It was the same dream he's had for months, now. She was standing there with her long, chestnut colored hair, framing her face. Those gorgeous hazel eyes gazing into his, and that smile that lit up the room. It was so real, too real.
It was the sound of the alarm clock that quickly pulled him away from happiness, reminding him that waking up was always the hardest part.
It's been four months now. Four months since his life changed. His whole world had left his arms.
He stayed there in bed, remembering the one night where he couldn't love her more than he did. It was their first case together since she'd gotten shot last summer.
They'd gone back to her apartment after hitting a dead end.
"I'm just saying, what if he's not our guy? What if the fire was an accident?"
"It wasn't an accident. I know it wasn't an accident."
"Kate, You can't know that."
"I can. Because if this was an accident, then I've got nowhere to start. If this was an accident, then I've got nothing. The guy who shot me is gone. Dick Coonan, gone. Hal Lockwood, gone. Montgomery, gone. My mom. Everybody's gone, Castle."
The look of hurt, pain, and fear altogether on Kate's face definitely broke Castle's heart,
"I'm not. I'm right here."
Rick stood from his seat and pulled her in for a hug. The tighter he held her, the more tears stained his shirt.
"We'll catch him, Kate. It'll take time..but we'll catch him. Together."
He rolled off his bed, and got down on his knees. He always did this. He took a few seconds to remember how to breathe.
He'd look around his room. Pictures. A picture on his bedside table. Pictures on his drawers. His whole room reminded him of her.
From time to time, he had to take a second look. His eyes would always play with him. He'd see her, standing in the doorway, with his coffee.
"She's gone." He'd whisper to himself, "She's gone."
"Rick, that wall I told you about? It's not going to come down. I don't think it ever will if I.. if I don't.."
"I know. We'll get through this together, first. That wall inside won't be there forever."
They stayed like that for what seemed like a lifetime. He held his whole world in his arms. The scent of her hair, the warmth of her breath and the steady rise and fall whenever she inhaled deeply.
"I'm sorry." She said, quietly.
He pulled them apart but only far enough to see her face. "For what?"
"You shouldn't be seeing me like this. Damaged. Broken. A disaster. "
"No. No, you're not. Kate, you're hurting. That's understandable. But what isn't, is that you choose to hurt, alone."
She blinked a few tears, and he wiped them away with his thumb.
He finally stood up and made his way to the kitchen. He poured some coffee into his mug, and paused when he was about to pour some into her mug. He had to let go of these habits. If he held on too long, he'd break more than he already did.
For the past few months, Richard Castle has shut the world out. There was nothing but darkness and heartbreak.
He would sit on his office chair, his fingers never touching his keyboard. There was nothing left to write about.
He opened his top drawer, and laying right there was the most beautiful picture he'd taken of her. They were at the park, along with Alexis. She came to visit for a whole weekend and wanted to have a picnic.
Rick's two favorite girls were indulged in an interesting topic. When the two shared an inside joke, Rick remembered how quickly he snapped this picture of them laughing.
He looked at it. This was his world, his life. He ran his finger across Kate's face.
Tears suddenly were running down his face without permission. He can't live like this. Kate would want him to go out, breathe life in and not sulk in the darkness of his loft.
There had to be something he could do that could take away the pain but leave the happiness of their memories together.
"Did you ever see us like this?" He asked her after handing her, her cup of coffee.
"What? Like..together?" She replied, off guard.
"Yes, well. We were always together, but I mean..together together."
She couldn't help but smile at his explanation. "I thought about it once or twice."
Hearing her answer, his eyebrows did that quick little wave they liked to do. "And?"
"And what?"
"Well when you thought about it, about us..what exactly came to mind?"
They've only been dating for a month and a half but Kate knew this man for four years, now. She dreamed of the day they can finally leap into each other's arms and just stay there.
"Well, I knew that I wasn't ready for anything with..with how my life was, at that moment..but, I sort of,"
"Sort of what?"
"I thought of my life. My future. I was frustrated about how clueless I could be."
Rick was abruptly confused.
"Look at my job, Castle. I help people get through their heartache. I help people live on, even with that part of them, gone. Why is that so hard to do for myself? I just thought I wasted too much time on my mom's case that I forgot about my life and my desires. At first.. I didn't.. At first, I didn't even care." She gulped, she didn't want to let her emotions take over so she had to look away.
"You didn't care about your own life?"
"Yeah."
"Well, what about now?"
She looked up at him, with a smile forming on her face. "I still don't care."
"Wait..what do you mean?"
"Well, now that I've got someone who cares for my life.. I've gotta care for yours, right?"
He chuckled, "Of course."
"I'm just saying that..even if I do or don't solve my mom's case. I don't want to miss out on something..or someone that I can't live without, -even if it's just for a short period of time."
"Yes, but with us.. it's forever, right?" He smiled at her but with a look of wonder.
"Always."
Hi guys. This is a little bit awkward. I haven't written anything in so long. This little thing came to me while listening to 'Dreaming with a Broken Heart' by John Mayer.
I suggest you go listen to it if you haven't already. But, it was just one of those late nights and emotions were running high and I was just laying in bed when this song came on and I had this whole little vision of Rick waking up and wishing that he didn't. Sorry, I have a thing for heartbreaking stories and well.. Let's just say I shed a few tears while I was envisioning this whole thing. I thought of writing it down and realized that it doesn't sound close to what I was visioning but hopefully, if I keep on writing- I'll get to what I'm aiming at.
Yes, this was a little inspired by 'Rise'.. Kate's whole breakdown thing, her wall and all that stuff. And then the song, which made me think that something terrible happened and now, Castle has to go through life without her and for some reason, I wanted to see (read) what it would be like, so I thought I'd just post it on here. This might just be a 2-4 chapter story but that could change. You never know! It would be really helpful if I know what you guys think of so far.
But anyways, have a good weekend, hyperventilate from 'Cuffed' and then hopefully you'll be alive (or I'll be alive) to read an update for this story. :)