A/N: Spoilers for Elephant's Memory... sort of.

"Hello, everyone. I'm Spencer, or at least I think I am. Spencer has – I mean I have – I've seen a lot of things. A lot of big, bad, scary things, one of which was in Morgan's pants. But I started becoming an addict after Tobias threw me in the air and I felt what it was like to fly. Anyway, I stopped using a few months ago, but then Morgan refused to do physics with me anymore, and since then I've been experiencing – in your literature – cravings."

Suddenly, the muffled tune of 'Here Comes the Bride' erupted from Reid's back pocket.

"Crapola. I gotta go," Reid said, pulling his cell out of his pocket and exiting the room.

Reid felt a hand grab his shoulder as he galloped out of the building. "Yah!" he yelled, turning and executing a flying lotus kick.

Morgan skillfully covered his junk and delivered a chop to pretty boy's stomach. "C'mon, Reid. The team is going to Texas and I was sent to retrieve your late ass." He scooped Reid off the ground and carried him to the jet bridal style.

Meanwhile, in Texas, little baby Owen was lighting some dude on fire and shooting some cops in the face. By the time the team arrived, however, Owen was nowhere to be found. They met with the local police to gather info for a profile inside of Owen's dead father's house.

"Owen's father was a jackass," Reid quipped. "And look, Owen really liked the color black."

"Check yourself," Morgan snapped. "Hotch looks like he wants to go Mama Praying Mantis on you and bite off your head."

"Reid, let's go check out Owen's school," Hotch ordered. "Morgan, you stay here and continue profiling the room." With that, Hotch led Reid out of the room by the head.

At Owen's school, the principal looked like a prick so Reid pursed his lips and crossed his arms. It wasn't until later that Reid discovered just how accurate his first impression of the prick was.

Walking into Principal Prick's office, Reid and Hotch noticed PP watching something on his computer screen. Was that… child porn?

"How dare you watch Owen jacking off in your office?" Reid screeched, lunging at PP.

Hotch stepped into the dust cloud and emerged with Reid over his shoulder. "We need to talk," he barked, leaving JJ with horny PP.

Hotch walked to an empty classroom, shut the door, and bent Reid over the desk.

"Reid, you can't just do something like that. Principal Prick is a principal. Of course he watches students jerk off!"

"Then he should have seen this coming! If he was always peeping at Owen!"

"No one sees the signs, Reid! You know that!"

Reid struggled against Hotch's hold on him. "What, so you're punishing me?"

"No," Hotch growled seductively, pulling at the fabric of Reid's khakis. "I'm using you."

"Morgan's already doing that," Reid retorted, as Hotch undid his belt.

"Morgan's done with you."

"What?" Reid's lip quivered.

"Oh, come on, Reid, is this not good enough for you?"

"Unnnhhh, very good," Reid agreed, as Hotch did evil things with his hands. "I think I like… being used… as much as I like… physics…"

"Well, too bad," Hotch replied aloofly, letting go of Reid. "Go back to Morgan."

Reid groaned, forming his mouth into an epic pout. He then flounced out of the room, his radiant locks bouncing up and down.

"Hey Reid," Morgan said as the door to Owen's room slammed open.

"Don't speak to me, Morgan, you football-playing, door-kicking, playboy bunny-poster-hanging high school jock!"

Morgan jizzed in his pants. "Did you really just tell me off?"

"What did I say about talking, Morgan?" Reid huffed before sitting down in front of Owen's computer.

Morgan leaped from the bed where he'd been inspecting suspicious stains on the mattress and grabbed a handful of Reid's hair. "What has gotten into you, kid?"

"More like what hasn't gotten into me," Reid grumbled. "As in Hotch, just now. And you. What happened to physics?"

"I'll tell you what, Reid. Once you start acting like a good little boy again, I'll teach you something new, like how to model in big boy magazines like daddy does."

"Morgan, you're a model? Why haven't I seen you in any of my Muscle Men Magazines?"

"Because I model for the BAU magazine, Unsubtle Unsub. I pose naked in different positions in which unsubs leave their victims."

Reid nodded thoughtfully. "Oh, yes, now I remember. Gideon got me a five-year subscription for my eighteenth birthday. But I always thought that model was the guy who did the Old Spice commercials."

"What? Reid, he doesn't even look like me, except for the pretty muscles."

"And skin color."

"What? Reid, no. You can't tell a caramel Frappuccino from a low fat hot chocolate with whipped cream."

"That's what my mom used to say," replied Reid thoughtfully. Morgan decided not to ask.

"Anyway, what are we supposed to be doing?" Morgan asked instead.

"I don't know, but my spidey-senses are tingling and telling me I need to get back to the Sheriff's Department now."

"Uh, okay, I'll give you a lift," Morgan offered, swooping Reid up and placing the boy on his shoulders. "This will give you a chance to tell me about your childhood."

"When I was a wee tot in high school, I was never very good with sports. So one day after school, I was practicing my football skills so I could impress the children. But as I was trying to kick the football, my shoelaces got all tangled around the goal posts. It took me all night to untie them, Morgan. All night."

"Sounds traumatic," said Morgan. "Is that why you always wear loafers or Velcro?"

"The old lady who lives next door comes over and helps me with the Velcro," Reid explained.

"Woah, Morgan," Reid said when the Sheriff's Department came into view. Reid was now on a horse because he had used Old Spice that morning and anything was possible. He dismounted and tied the black stallion to a stop sign before entering the building.

"Oh, hi Reid," Hotch said. "We already have Owen Savage and everything's dandy."

"WHAT?" Reid yelled. "I WAS GOING TO SAVE THE DAY!"

Hotch backhanded Reid across the face and dragged him back to the jet.

"Why don't you join a boy band if you want to be the star, and stop working at the BAU?" Hotch snapped as they took off into the sunset.

"Mark my words, Hotch. One day I will!"