Grin and bear the angst please, my lovelies. The fluff is coming! For now, enjoy.
Thank you for reviewing and for reading this. I love you all.
Also – there are some views expressed on smoking in here. They are not intended to offend. I'm sorry if they do – I just thought it was an interesting twist. Thanks again.
Chapter five
3rd July 2015
"The incredibly fabulous and recently illusive Kurt Hummel speaking, how can I help you?"
"Damn right you're illusive! I've called round your apartment three times in the past week and you haven't been there. Where've you been?" Blaine grumbled into the receiver.
"This little place called work, Blaine," Kurt replied, innocently, "just because you have a whole sound booth to make you sound fabulous – I actually have to work to earn a living, not just…warble."
Blaine exploded into laughter. "Warble? Seriously, Kurt? You know I'm not a Warbler anymore, right?"
"Of course," he said, curtly, "I'm not either!"
"Listen," Blaine replied, cutting straight to the chase, "I need to see you."
Kurt groaned, pushing the phone against his ear with his shoulder as he used both hands to continue to sketch on the piece of paper in front of him. "Seriously? I'm waist deep in work right now, and what with Finn's wedding coming up soon, I'm literally snowed under. Except it's July…I'm sunshine-d under."
Blaine laughed. "Please? It's really important, and it'll only take a second. Can I come over to yours?"
Kurt sighed, dropping his head into his hands. "I don't know, Blaine…"
"Yes you do. You're going to let me, you know you are. So hurry up because I'm stood outside your apartment right now. And the traffic's loud. And worryingly close."
Kurt sat up straight. "You're at my shithole?"
Blaine laughed at Kurt's affectionate nickname for his apartment. "Yes, so hurry up!"
"Be there in five."
"I would offer you tea, but for one thing, we're not British and furthermore, I have no tea bags. And so I would offer you coffee, but I have no coffee either. So…water?" Kurt asked, smiling and holding the glass out to Blaine, who was perched on his couch.
Blaine grinned and accepted the cup, eyeing it dubiously before taking a sip. Kurt took his opportunity, sitting across from Blaine, to look at his friend properly. For the first time in a long time, he looked…decidedly unlike himself.
His stubble was more than just scruff; it was growing out properly and as rugged and almost sexy as it looked, it missed the mark completely for Kurt. Blaine's jeans were thread-bare and his shirt had a button missing. If he was rolling in cash, why did he look so poor?
And was that – oh God, no.
"I didn't know you smoked," Kurt accused, crossing his arms across his chest and cocking his hip. He tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for an answer.
Blaine choked on his water. Good, Kurt thought. "What? I – Kurt – I don't!"
"Blaine," Kurt's voice twisted the name into an accusation, "please don't insult my intelligence."
The older boy stayed silent, dropping his eyes to the floor with shame.
"You know, Blaine. You know my mum died of lung cancer. You know how much I despise smoking. Do you want to die like her? Leave me behind like she did? How could you do this to me, Blaine, you knew!" Kurt was almost in tears by this point. His argument may have seemed petty to anyone else but this was something else. This was personal. He felt so betrayed.
"Kurt, I'm sorry," Blaine apologised, sincerely, "I don't know what else I can say – I…I'm so ashamed."
"Good," Kurt spat, "you should be." He turned his back on the other man, unable to look at him.
"Listen, Kurt…this – this isn't easy for me to say," Blaine started, only to be cut off by a snort.
"Oh please, Blaine. Nothing's difficult for you to say." Kurt told him, slowly turning back round to face Blaine. He laughed, though the sound was cold. Blaine knew he deserved it.
Blaine coughed slightly and continued. "But…I can't come to Finn's wedding with you."
Kurt just looked at him, blankly. "No, this is a joke," he said, eventually. "No way, Blaine! You can't just do this to me – what the hell are you thinking?" He was yelling by this point, flinging his arms around in wild gestures, but he couldn't bring himself to care. "Do you not care about me at all?"
Blaine rose from the sofa, wrapping his arms around Kurt to steady his movements. "Come on, Kurt, you know it isn't like that!"
"What is it like? Explain it to me, Blaine. Explain what could possibly make you ditch your best friend at his brother's wedding! Explain why your amazing new life can't fit me in! You promised this wouldn't happen!" Kurt shouted, the tears falling steadily down his face.
In a state of anger, Blaine yelled back. "I can't be seen with you!"
There was a deafening silence.
Kurt took a step back as though he had been slapped. He stared at Blaine, coldly, daring him to say something else. Blaine remained quiet, kicking himself for saying something so stupid. "Please tell me you didn't just say that," Kurt whispered, voice shaking. The tears were still falling. "You're the one person who always accepted me. Laughed when I was too gay for my own good. Now you're turning against me for the very same reason. What's happening, Blaine?"
"It's – I – oh, God, I –" Blaine choked his unshed tears as a sob rose in his throat.
"What, Blaine? Spit it out!" Kurt demanded.
"It's my job," he explained, crying as well by this point, "I can't…I can't tell anyone I'm gay. It's part of the contract. Normally I'd tell them to shove it – you know I would – but the manager…he's different. He understands. He's…he's really special to me, Kurt, y'know?"
Oh yeah, Kurt wanted to scream, like you used to be special to me. "You're screwing him, you mean?" Okay, that worked too.
Blaine just nodded. On seeing Kurt's look of disgust, he continued, "But it's more than that! I – I really feel something for him. He's the one I told you I was seeing. It's more than just screwing! But right now, when I'm so close to making it big…I can't blow it by being seen with someone as…flamboyant as you. Someone might guess!" Blaine told him, eyes silently willing him to understand.
Blaine might as well have plunged a kitchen knife straight into Kurt's back. "What, because I'm proud, unlike you? Because I have more integrity than to hide in the shadows – because I want to be exactly who I am, rather than what someone tells me to be?" Kurt shrieked, livid. "I think it's me who should be ashamed to be seen with you, not the other way round."
Blaine knew full well he deserved that. It didn't stop the words hurting.
"I think you're taking this too personally, Kurt. This isn't just about you – this friendship isn't just about what you want! It's about what I need, too!" Blaine retorted, hotly.
Kurt's eyes narrowed, his voice turning dead and disconnected – the very voice Blaine knew Kurt used to protect himself. When words failed him, he fell into default because he was in so much pain. "Since when," he hissed, "has it been about what I want? I want you, Blaine. I didn't get that, did I? And now you can't even be with me as a friend because I'm too gay for you? For your information, you're exactly as gay as I am. And there was a time when you were as proud of it as me, too. But I'm guessing that part of you has gone now?"
Blaine couldn't bring himself to answer. Shame and pain took his voice away.
"I don't know who you are anymore," Kurt whispered, incredulously, as if discovering the biggest secret he'd ever come across.
Blaine clutched him tightly, begging him to understand. "Kurt – my image is paramount right now. If not, I'll be dropped from my record label. You understand that right now, working is what you need to do to live."
"Why don't you go fuck your manager instead?" Kurt snarled, wretchedly.
"I thought you'd understand," Blaine muttered, voice cracking.
"No, Blaine, I don't understand. You're my best friend. You've always come first with me. Why can't you love me like I love you?" The last words were out of his mouth before he could rush to swallow them. Kurt blanched, but couldn't go back on what he'd said. "Is it really so much easier to love him than me?" He asked, sobbing.
"You have no idea how hard it is loving someone you know you can never have." Blaine whispered.
"You'll always have me." Kurt replied, quietly. Tears were still spilling down his cheeks.
"Not if I break your heart."
"Do you not understand that this breaks my heart every day?" Kurt told him, wretchedly. He wrapped his arms around himself, as if trying to hold himself together. "I can protect my own heart, Blaine. I just want yours."
Blaine just looked at him, still crying steadily.
"And don't even tell me you can't – I know that perfectly well because you tell me all the time. It still hurts so much, Blaine." Kurt whispered, sobs colouring his voice.
"I would never hurt you," Blaine replied, sincerely.
"You are. You always are," Kurt told him, voice barely there, "which is why I need you to leave. Now. I'll call you – or maybe I won't. Maybe you'll have to be the one who's sitting by the phone waiting for a call for once. It won't be me this time – things have to change, Blaine. So I need you to leave."
Blaine was just staring at him, open mouthed. He was so used to being in charge – being able to call Kurt and him come running. He knew the relationship wasn't about power but he had become so accustomed to it. It shocked him that Kurt could take all of the power so quickly.
"If – if that's what you want." Blaine muttered, starting towards the door.
"Not what I want," Kurt corrected. The older man stopped dead in his tracks. "It's what I need."
"I thought you needed me," Blaine replied, turning to look at his friend.
"I do," Kurt assured him, crying still, "too much. More than you need me. Let me let you go, Blaine."
"I want you to hold on," he admitted, tears falling.
"But you let go a long time ago." Kurt cried, shaking.
"I can't let you go, Kurt. I couldn't let you go if I tried. It'll always be you." Blaine told him, desperately.
"Blaine, I can't do this!" Kurt shouted, silencing the other man. "I don't know what you want – I don't think you do either! You give up our chances together to go screw a man who can take you to the top. Then you turn up at my apartment, turn my whole world upside down and then tell me that you don't want to lose me when it's always been you who's told me we have to stay friends?" He was screaming, crying, shaking, sobbing out all of his emotions. He needed to bleed dry. "Well, guess what, Blaine? You just did."
Blaine didn't remember walking towards the door. He didn't recall it shutting behind him or leaving the apartment block. He just knew that he was falling apart. Only Kurt could put him back together…
"Dad?" Kurt whispered into the phone, still sobbing. "Can I come home? I need you…"
"I'm going to kill him," Burt vowed, pacing the carpet in front of the sofa that Kurt was sat on.
"No you're not," Kurt replied, voice monotone and devoid of emotion. He didn't think he had any left. He still hadn't stopped crying.
"No one hurts my boy, Kurt, no one!" Burt replied, pulling his son up from the couch and into his arms. "You're my son. I can't let this happen to you. He hurt you, Kurt. No one gets away with that, least of all him. He's supposed to care about you. Instead, he broke you."
"It's not that he broke me, Dad. I'd happily let him do that a million times over; he's more than worth it. It's that he couldn't be bothered to fix me afterwards." Kurt whispered, sobbing into his dad's shoulder.
Burt wrapped his arms around his son in a fierce hug. "Men like you and me, Kurt, we fix ourselves. We don't need nobody else to do it for us. That's how we survive. We get by, Kurt, until someone comes along and picks us up without us even asking. That's what your mum" – Kurt only cried harder at the mention of her – "and now Carol did for me. And I promise, I swear to you Kurt that soon, someone will do that for you soon enough. And they'll deserve you a hell of a lot more than that Blaine kid ever did. And you and I are gunna stick it out together until that happens. We've always got each other."
TBC, if you guys want it to continue… :)