Chapter 4: A Stream Runs Through It
LordKaT was not in a good position. In fact, to put it bluntly, he was an arse ripe for the raping. And if the vicious beast that was hunting him through the New York streets found him and caught up with him, that last metaphor could become a horrifying reality. He kept fiddling with his phone, trying to get a call out to one of his Mafia, but to no avail. Someone seemed to have blocked the signal.
"I will find you, Hoak Hogan! And when I do, I'll send you on a one-way shuttlecraft to the forest moon of Endor, where the ancient tribe of marshmallow men will see to it that you are roasted like a 10-year-old prison warden, and then served to Cthulu and her wives with Habanera sauce and then sent to the Marx Brothers for extreme testing. *skronk*"
LordKaT cursed under his breath, and continued trying to get a signal. He considered contacting someone through Braille blips on a radio signal, but he had never learnt it. This caused him to curse under his breath again. Then, he had an idea. He looked at his surroundings: He was holed up in a warehouse. He checked his equipment: He had his (at the moment) useless phone, his lucky Tommy gun, a couple of paperclips, a box of matches and a cigar box in his jacket pocket containing a few Cubans. There was no way he was going to get away from the wacky wrestler; he was way too fast to run away from; and chances for back-up didn't look promising. So he was left with one option: Go out all guns blazin'.
He looked across at a panel of sheet metal that was peeling away from the wall. And then, the fader switch of his brain's light bulb started turning on. He kept looking around, and found an arc welder attached to a large battery. He thought of using it as a weapon, but the battery was too awkward to carry around with him, as he didn't have a backpack to carry it in, so it wasn't going anywhere. However, it wouldn't need to. The dimmer switch was turned higher. Close to the arc welder was a standard-issue toolbox, which was locked. The light bulb shone bright and proud, and LordKaT got to work.
He took one of the paperclips out of his pocket and bent it into a single loop. He then placed it in the toolbox's lock and, after a few moments of jiggling and guesswork, heard the victory click of the lock and he flung it open. In it, he found a crowbar, which he used to pry off the last edge of the sheet metal that was clinging to the wall, until he realised that there was a small pile of sheet metal to the left of him. Oh well, he thought, better late than never. Using a hammer, wrench and a few other crude tools from the box, as well as the arc welder, he began fashioning a make-shift piece of body armour for himself; one that he could fasten around his torso using the elastic of his pants (Luckily, he chose to wear a belt that day). The hard banging noises coming from the tools did alert the Warrior, however, who shouted out "I can hear you banging away inside there!" In response to which, two people scrambled out of some nearby bushes, hurriedly putting their clothes back on. The Warrior's eyes flared up, and got into a frenzied run towards the couple.
"Come over here! I will do to you what I did to Santa! And to Hoak Hogan!"
This sexual attraction distraction managed to buy some time for LordKaT, and his frantically beating heart slowed down a little, allowing him to calm down slightly and get back to work. By cutting a few strips of the metal away from the sheet using the surprisingly sharp end of the crowbar, welding them together and smoothing them out so that it resembled a basic (if not rough-around-the-edges) steel pole, and then welding the hammer on one end and the crowbar on the other, he had fashioned himself a rudimentary weapon that he could use to fight the beast. He took out his Tommy gun and checked the clip. It had enough bullets to take out an elephant, so he was okay there. When he had finished putting together his Sierra-inspired armoury, he took out one of his cigars, put it to his lips, bit the end of it and lit it up. He gave it a few puffs, letting the rich tobacco smoke (Or, at least, he was told it was tobacco) fill his lungs for what he feared may be the last time.
With his home-brand metal body armour strapped to his chest, even more primitive looking Murder-Killer leaning on his shoulder and Tommy squeezed by his left hand, LordKaT was as ready as he would ever be. He wedged his weapon into the crack of the sliding door, and pulled it open. The door slid straight up with such force that it immediately got the Warrior's attention. LordKaT stared straight at the insane thing, holding that last Cuban between his teeth and still savouring it.
"You wanna wrestle, you son-of-a-bitch?" Said LordKaT, brandishing his two weapons in such a way that it would make Dante blush, "Just call me the chef. Today's main course: Asphalt, and plenty of it!" And with that, the Ultimate Warrior let out a bestial roar (Okay, a MORE bestial roar that he usually utters), and charged straight at our inventive protagonist. He responded to the attack in kind, holding out his weapon like a shield and ran towards the Warrior. The two collided, resulting in a shoving match between the two of them. Even though the Ultimate Warrior was only using his arms as his shoving weapon, you could almost see sparks flying from the conflict. LordKaT and the Warrior were both roaring through gritted teeth as they both tried to best their opponent, but LordKaT's rear foot was starting to slip. He wasn't powerful enough to face this Frankenstein made of equal parts muscle and insanity. Just as he felt his rear foot slip a further inch, he saw the Warrior's right hand pulling back, his fist clenched tight. He was silently praying that his body armour would hold up. Well, he guessed he would find out in a few minutes. Just then, he felt it; a large shove at his chest. It didn't hurt as he had expected; the armour had done its job. However, he should have done the same for his back, since the punch sent him flying back into the warehouse and colliding with the back wall.
As he shook himself from his daze, and groaned from his hurt back, he heard an angelic sound; a sound that brought his soul into the very heights of nirvana, and sent it straight back down to his body with a renewed sense of vigour and determination. It was coming from his phone.
"Jason, are you there?" Said a wispy female voice. "Can you hear me?"
"Yeah," He groaned again, "I'm here."
"Oh," Sighed Roses, "I'm so glad I got to you before you got hurt." LordKaT groaned again, although it was much less pained than his last. "Look, we know that the over-muscled idiot is after you. I managed to trace your cell-phone signal and me and a few others are on our way over there. Just hang on, Jason. We'll be there before you can say 'Jake Stonebender'."
In his head, he thought the words 'Jake Stonebender', and as if he had just uttered a magic spell of plot convenience, a loud crash came from the side of the warehouse.
"Well, that drive could have gone a bit better." Said a smooth male voice from the crash's direction.
"No shit." Said a grizzled and rage-filled-scream-scarred voice. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You couldn't keep attention to the road and we end up crashing into the side of some sort of metal barn? Did you have your sense of direction swapped with a monkey's?"
"Hey, don't diss the Monkees!" Said Roses, followed by an echoed slapping noise.
"Will you guys calm down? We're here to find Jason. Will you try to remember that next time your over-dominant snarkiness takes over?" Said an intelligent, and yet juvenile at the same time, woman's voice, taking control of the verbal storm that was brewing.
Speaking of storms brewing, the Warrior was skulking around looking for them, while LordKaT's rag-tag team of streaming buddies were looking for LordKaT, and LordKaT himself was looking for some feeling in his spine. Luckily, two of them found what they wanted. LordKaT stood up and greeted his friends. Roses leapt forward and hugged LordKaT, LordKaT resisting the urge to stare at her tattoos.
"Oh, I'm so glad to see you're okay." As she said this, she realised that LordKaT was slightly colder and more metallic than she remembered. She looked down, and saw the metal coat he had strapped to his chest. "I see the Warrior has been giving you a hard time."
"Yeah, but now we're going to give HIM a hard time."
And before he could even end his breath, JesuOtaku piped in with "That's what she said." The five of them let out a tense giggle, happy that they could at least share a laugh or two, even in this most terrible of situations.
"I have got you, Hoak Hogan! And I am going to turn you into yellow-lamb shishkebab, and blast you straight into the E.T. cartridge crater, where the black hole of sucky-sucky-sucky will devour your two-cent nickel-for-a-pair shoes. You cannot escape the DESTRUCITY!"
"God, do you ever think before you open that chasm of stupid on your face?" Said Nash, reaching behind him and swinging around his trusty custom Stratocaster, which was hanging from a strap across his shoulder. Taking his lucky pick from behind his left ear, he let loose with a lick that was so loud and so tasty that it sent the Warrior flying backwards into the bushes.
"Hey LordKaT," Said Nash, clearly riding on a wave of smug from that display of guitar skills, "Wanna add some heavy metal to that rock?"
"With gusto." Said LordKaT, hurling his makeshift weapon at the bushes like a javelin, crowbar end forward. They heard a stabbing sound, followed by a death roar coming from the bushes. But just before they could congratulate themselves on making one less shitstain on wrestling's legacy, they heard a vicious voice utter this:
"With blood and rage of crimson red,
Ripped from a corpse so freshly dead
Together with our hellish hate
We'll burn you all, that is your fate, Hoak Hogan!"
And with that, the bush burst into flames, and from out of the flaming foliage rose the Warrior.
"You forget that I have powers beyond those of mortal beings! I have been granted a most awesome power from the great Guardian, and I will use it to turn your bones to dust!" He reached out with his arm, a bright red ring glowing on his index finger.
LordKaT let loose with his Tommy gun, spraying the Warrior with bullets. But each bullet merely bounced off of him. His jaw dropped, as did his cigar which dropt to the ground below him. They all gulped, and immediately ran away from the corrosive blood globules the Warrior had just flung at them.
"Nash; you're the biggest comic book nerd here. How do we beat this guy?" Asked Paw, mid-bolt.
Nash tensed his temples as best he could, as he scanned his neural database.
"From what I can remember, we either need to separate the ring from the rest of him, or make him feel love."
They stopped running for a few seconds, and looked at both PushingUpRoses and JesuOtaku.
"Guess again." They said in unison.
"Oh well," said Nash, "I guess it isn't that kind of story. But how are we going to get close enough to him to cut of his fingers?"
An idea struck Paw. At first, he was afraid to voice it, in case something else should strike him, but due to the necessity of the situation, it seemed to be the only choice they had.
"Maybe we can combine the two."
"Were you not listening to us just then, saying we wouldn't do it?" Asked JesuOtaku.
"I am not asking that you seduce the Warrior on your own. I'm suggesting we use one of you as a distraction so that the rest of us can get close enough to him to chop his ring off. If we fail, at least we have the 'love' strategy to fall back on."
"But there's a little bit of a problem with that." Said LordKaT, a grin stretching over his sick face. "The Warrior is more inclined to, well, 'Lean to the left', if you know what I mean."
"Oh God, please don't tell me you've brought strawberries with you!" Said Paw, shuddering as he thought of that harrowing experience from years past.
"Unfortunately, I didn't pack them. Fortunately though, we do have another option."
"What?" LordKaT just looked at him. "Oh, come on! Are you serious?"
"Oh, come one, Paw." Said Roses, stepping up to his side, "LordKaT wouldn't be able to do it. He isn't as rugged and sexy as you are." As she said this, she came closer to Paw, putting her palm flat on his chest and leaning into his face.
"Really?" Said Paw, his ego taking the driver's seat.
"You do have a certain masculine charm, I must admit." Said JesuOtaku, stroking her chin and pretending to examine Paw's physique.
"Alright," proclaimed Paw, "I'll do it."
Paw turned around and strutted back towards the hulking son of the Butcher. The others snuck back behind him, muttering to themselves about blackmail material.
"Oh, Jimmy!" Cooed Paw as he approached the lumbering behemoth, "Has anyone ever told you that you are one sexy mofo?"
"Mofo?" Questioned everyone. Clearly Paw was still learning the tools of the flirting trade. Nevertheless, the group snuck around so that they could get to the Ultimate Warrior's back, JesuOtaku brandishing a butcher's knife she had taken with her (Why, is a question that would probably give most of us nightmares) to do the slicing.
Paw could see the red aura of rage radiating from the Warrior's being start to fade slightly. Despite his faux pas, the ruse appeared to be working.
"I see you have noticed the massive-tastic looks of the Ultimate Warrior. Did I ever tell you about the time I made Santa my $9 spit roast?"
Paw shuddered, disturbed by yet another horrible memory he hoped he could shake later on, if there was a later on.
"No, but I bet he enjoyed every minute of it." Paw struggled to utter without showing how sick he was feeling, getting more nervous with each passing moment, but feeling slightly better after seeing his friends behind the Warrior ready to remove the source of his power… as well as his Red Lantern ring.
Paw continued to approach the Warrior, his aura fading more noticeably now, and he opened his arms out for a reluctant embrace, the Warrior following suit. Just as their bodies were about to touch (And a whole new slashfic was about to be written… hopefully not), JesuOtaku leapt forward with the energy of a crazed howler monkey and slashed wildly at the Warrior, the others doing their best to hold back the divine creature like that one scene from 'Dogma', Paw included. LordKaT grappled with his right arm, having retrieved his cigar from the ground and attempted to burn it into his eye to little effect; Nash grabbed his legs and tried to get him off his feet (Careful now); Paw had the Ultimate Warrior's other arm and was trying to clasp his headphones on the wrestler's massive head, on which he had playing a continuous loop of white noise at 120 decibels, which he hoped would at least distract him; and JesuOtaku was grabbing at his throat from behind, trying to slash and stab into him with the butcher's knife.
While the reviewers were trying to fight off the mammoth mountain-o'-man, Roses went searching for LordKaT's makeshift weapon, if it had survived. She used her jacket to smother the flaming bush, and reached around for the weapon. She found it, along with several spots of the Warrior's blood, meaning she had to act fast before the blood melted through and became useless. She grabbed it, making sure not to grab the melting sections of it as she did so, brandished the crowbar end of the weapon and chopped at the Warrior's hands, severing both of them. A wild spray of blood came from the wounds, causing everyone to run for cover in the warehouse. The blood spray reached everywhere around him, turning the asphalt, nearby bushes and even some of the warehouse into a molten mess. And with that waterworks display of blood seldom seen outside of a Yoshihiro Nishimura movie, the Ultimate Warrior was slain.
"Hey, LordKaT. Could you pass me your phone?" Asked Nash, after they were certain that they wouldn't get their flesh melted away by the bloodworks. LordKaT handed him the phone, and he dialled an unusually long number and put it on speakerphone.
"Hey, Space Guy. You can track cell phone signals, can't you? Can you give us a lift to Illinois?"
"Depends," Said Space, in his voice that had a faint robotic undertone to it, "on if that poor excuse for a human is still alive."
"Unfortunately, yes, Paw is still alive."
"Hey!"
"Hey, you were the one who volunteered to be the Warrior's bitch. Seriously though, the Ultimate Warrior is dead, as far as we can tell."
"Good. I just recovered this ship from that infernal bear, and I didn't want to risk letting that maniac take control of it. Prepare for teleportation."
As the ship was preparing to beam them up, Roses winced slightly and looked at her hand. There was a burn mark on her palm, and three of her fingers had lost a few layers of skins. Paw had noticed as well and consoled her about it, but the ever-resilient Roses did not let the pain she was feeling show.
As the team was beamed up to the alien ship, a faint red light shone in the area they had just left. It was extremely faint though, as it was reverberating from a corpse's stomach. And as it glowed, the dismembered fingers twitched.
"You maggot!" Shouted the demonic voice of the being in the cloak, scolding the Ultimate Warrior with every breath he could muster. "I don't know why he ever bothered to help you, you worm! You are worthless to our plan! You're lucky I brought you back to the Blagg Hole!"
"Yeah, the only thing 'ultimate' about you is your ultimate failure at their hands." This was followed by an eerie cackle from the demented jester.
"Hey, it wasn't my fault. One of them seduced me."
"Bah!" Said the Gatecleaner, smacking the Ultimate Warrior across the face with his yellow-ringed hand.
"Humbug!" Said Chuckles, giving a slight chuckle as he did so.
"Shut up, you! Anyway, as I was saying, I have been contacted by one Dr. Insano. He specifically asked for our help in opening a hole in reality through which he plans to bring forth an army. I, however, had another plan."
Chuckles wanted to chime in, but after one look at the Gatecleaner's sickly smile, he knew what he was thinking. The Ultimate Warrior, however, needed exposition.
"What is our plan, most bodacious of masters?"
"We are going to help them, as they have requested. But, we are going to get something back in return. Specifically, two somethings in return. And with their guidance and your assistance, I shall be able to leave this plane and take my place as the ruler of all!"
And somewhere, a fanboy just shouted "Of course!"
The three grim Lanterns got to work on the ritual required to open the rift, looking into the Ultimate Warrior's Black Gate spell, and with their help, the enemy grows ever stronger.