Chapter 5: Putting The Fatal In Femme Fatale

Nella sat down on her surprisingly comfy hotel bed and rifled through her assortment of goods from the convention downstairs. Most of it was Star Trek memorabilia, such as a new Tricorder and another 'signed' photo of William Shatner to add to her collection, but in one of the bags, she came across something odd. Now, Nella was extremely well-read, and well-viewed, when it comes to Star Trek, and you'd be hard pressed to find anything even vaguely hinted at in canon that she didn't know about. And yet, looking at this discus-shaped contraption, she was puzzled as to what it was. It looked a black disc with a big red button in its centre, like something that would set a ship to self-destruct, but alas, it didn't press.

She continued examining it, always being fascinated by anything new, when it suddenly began blinking in the centre. At first, the blinks were erratic, at 5-7 second intervals, but over time, it got quicker. As the blinking became faster and faster, Nella's heart began quickening and sweat began to appear on her top lip. She immediately dropped it back on the bed and leapt out of her room, landing curled up on the floor with her arms over her head. However, aside from getting a confused look from Marzgurl as she went back to her room, nothing happened. The blinking merely stopped.

Nella's pulse slowed down and a massive sigh of relief escaped her lungs. She got up to go back, but she felt worried that she might find another booby trap, so she figured she should leave them be, at least for a little while. Iron Liz was in the room next to hers; good place to start. She got up and knocked on her door.

"Come in." Said Iron Liz, and Nella did so. Liz was self-brainstorming about new ideas for a Dungeons & Dragons she had planned with Linkara and Spoony. Liz quickly noticed that Nella was flustered, as her face now resembled a large beetroot. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Said Nella, wiping her forehead and trying to shake off what had just happened. "Just got a bit of a shock from before. Some idiot gave me a dummy item."

"That's bound to happen sometimes. Say, have you gotten any feedback about the others?"

"Yeah, I was about to ask you about that." Nella sat down on the bed next to Liz. "Don't you think it's weird that there are barely any of us here? I mean, Lindsay hasn't heard anything from Todd, Phelous seems to have disappeared off the radar, and have you gotten any word back from Linkara?"

Liz shook her head. "Can't say I have, no. I wouldn't worry too much about it, though. It's MAGFest; it's like Christmas, it only comes round once a year. We should be having fun, not worrying about where the men are like token women archetypes."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I guess I'm just a little shaken up still from that disc thing."

Liz's eyebrow rose.

"What did you say?"

"The disc thing; You know, that gag gift I found in my bags."

"What did it look like?" Her tone had suddenly taken one that would make Jack Bauer go 'Calm down, damnit!'

"It looked like a big red button that doesn't work."

All of a sudden, there was the sound of breaking glass, coming from Nella's room. Not missing a beat, Liz grabbed Nella's arm and lead her out into the hallway. Then, without provocation, there was a loud explosion from Nella's room, shattering the door to splinters and sending Li and Nella flying backwards from the shockwave, causing them to fly backwards and slam into the wall behind them. Liz quickly got up and ran back to her room. Once there, she pulled a black case out from under her bed and opened it, revealing her two swords: Twinkle and Icic Death. She grabbed them and went into a battle stance.

"Well?" Said Iron Liz, the sudden change in circumstances having no substantial effect on her, "Don't just stand there. I trust you have something to defend yourself."

Nella rolled her eyes, reached for her hip and retrieved her phaser. As if to quell Liz's suspected confusion, she pointed it at the wall and fired, leaving a small circular scorch mark on the wall.

"I'll take that as a yes. Also, you do realise I'll have to pay for that." Liz said, as they made their way down the corridor.

They systematically knocked on each door as they passed, revealing the other reviewers whom had made it to MagFest so far: Lindsay and Elisa were biding their time with Obscurus Lupa, whom kept trying to explain why Cynthia Rothrock was so awesome but to no avail; Marzgurl was watching a bootleg of The Land Before Time 24 that a fan sent her, which proved to be just a crappy fan film (Well, MORE crappy than the sequels); and Dena was reading yet another volume on arcane rituals, in hope of finding something that could turn the next Silent Hill movie into something good. One by one, the reviewers suited up for action: Marzgurl grabbed a staff from her bedside, which Juno had lent her because 'she sensed danger' that she never clarified on; Dena brought her book with her; Obscurus Lupa reached into her suitcase and pulled out a wrist-mounted device on a strap, which she fixed to her right wrist; and Lindsay and Elisa took out their own phasers (Which Nella passed to them as they entered the corridor).

"Any idea what could be wrong?" Lupa asked Liz.

"I have a hunch." Said Liz, gripping Twinkle so hard in her hand it looked like her knuckles would go through the skin.

They ran down the stairs and entered not hell, per se, but something close enough to it: Figures in black cloaks were attacking civilians with daggers, booths were overturned, most of which were on fire, and almost every window was shattered.

"I hate it when I'm right." Said Liz, brandishing her swords. "That thing you found, Nella, was a tracking device. It led the Shades here. Okay, we need to get the civilians to safety. Nella, you, Elisa and Lindsay help get the civilians out of here. The rest of you, we need to take these Shades and fast. Let's go, people!" The group quickly disbanded, and got to work.

Nella immediately ran towards a couple whom were trapped under a large table. She pulled out her phaser and split the table in two, making it fall to either side of the couple, who got up, bruised but mobile.

"Thank you." Said the woman, pulling herself up as well as her husband.

"Just doing my job. Now let's get out of here." Nella immediately led them towards the hotel's back exit, which was blocked by three Shades, each holding a hostage by the neck. Taking initiative, she let off three phaser blasts at the Shades, being careful not to shoot at the people she was supposed to be saving. Two of the shots stayed true, hitting their Shades in the head, causing them to release their captives and fall to the ground in a heap. The last shot, however, only hit the Shade in the shoulder, causing it to stumble slightly, but to ultimately regain its grip and pull out its dagger. A twinge of fear struck Nella like a bullet to her heart.

"No!" Shouted Nella, trying to fire again but not getting a clear shot. The Shade plunged the dagger into the captive's back, the victim letting out a cry as it did so. The Shade then dropped him to the ground. Nella, in an uncharacteristic fit of rage, ran at the Shade and tackled it to the ground. She then grabbed either side of its head and, with a few tugs, pulled its head from its body, giving off a few sparks as it did so. She then threw the head into the nearest garbage bin, noticing the Shade dagger just before. The dagger still had the captive's blood on it.

Just as Nella was about to go into a sobbing fit, the captive let out a choked gasp. Nella quickly ran over to him and picked him up, gesturing for the other civilians to follow. Behind her, Lindsay and Elisa were bringing out more people they had managed to rescue. The survivors quickly made their way to the car park from where they were, as the Shades appeared to have completely flooded the hotel but only its interior, as far as they could tell. Nella gently put down the captive, got out her phone and dialled 911.

"You guys head back inside and help the others," she said to the others, "I'll stay out here and make sure this guy gets to the hospital." They nodded and ran back inside, while Nella stayed at the young man's side and called for an ambulance, all the while doing her best to help her patient be slightly less freaked out than he was

Meanwhile, back inside, the other reviewers were becoming outnumbered. Marzgurl was firing beams of blue energy from her staff at the horde, which thinned it somewhat but they were still outgunned.

"The Hidden II." Lupa spoke into her wriststrap, the device electronically chirping it back to her, and then suddenly, as if some phantom force in her wriststrap had made a move eons beyond our comprehension, she vanished. A series of invisible footsteps made their way around the bulk of the Shade army. Once she had made her way all the way to the rear of the horde, she stopped.

"Rapid Fire." Whispered Lupa, and she re-appeared, now brandishing a pistol the size of her forearm, the device echoing the command back to her. She then fired away at the army, shredding through them like paper. Before she could do its job entirely, a loud click came from the gun, causing Lupa to drop, where it faded from reality.

The Nostalgia Chick undid the bowtie that she had chosen to wear that day, and flung it at the Shades like a boomerang. As it made contact with each Shade in its path, particularly their necks, their heads flew off as the razor-sharp bowtie hit them. It lung back around to Lindsay, who simply did it back up with a placid look on her face.

"Deactivation by decapitation. Kinda has a ring to it, doesn't it?"

"I would have gone with 'Hate to be a pain in the neck' myself." Said Liz, always one for the cheap one-liner, followed by the typical collective groan from the group.

"Gee," Piped up Elisa, doing her best to make sure she was heard, "These guys could sure do with a makeover."

A small puff of pink smoke appeared beside her, heralding the arrival of the Makeover Fairy.

"Did somebody say 'makeover'?" Said the Makeover Fairy, in her usual cheery yet painful screech of a voice. She took a quick look at the Shades.

"My, what have we got here?" She hovered in a circle around the droids, "Hooded cloaks are so last season. Today's homicidal robots go for a more urban look." She waved her magic wand, adding leather jackets to the Shades' ensemble.

"Yes, very… Terminator. But still, we need something else. You'll definitely need some haircuts. Or… hair at all, really." She waved her wand again, and hair suddenly sprouted from their heads, oddly enough in the shape and fashion of mohawks.

"Hmmm… There's still something missing…" She rubbed her chin for a few seconds, then snapped her fingers in triumph.

"I know! You need sunglasses!" She waved her wand a third time, this time producing a pair of sunglasses just below each head-of-hair-that-shouldn't-be-there.

One of the Shades, whom clearly possessed a 'Capability For Getting Pissed Off' circuit, reached out and grabbed the Makeover Fairy by the throat. Liz and the others quickly got back into the fray, but the other Shades kept them busy while the Makeover Fairy was struggling against the Shade's iron fist. She kept trying to wave her wand, but the loss of blood circulation was making it difficult to keep conscious, let alone perform magic. Just when she felt like her many centuries of practice were to go to waste, Dena made it through the horde and, using her book to reach into the depths of Silent Hill, summoned a Pyramid Head to cut through the Shade's arm, and then the rest of its body. The Makeover Fairy grabbed the robot's hand that was still clutching her throat, albeit not as tightly, and threw it to the ground below her. She cracked her neck, gave the back of her neck a rub with her hand and gripped her wand with both hands.

"Thanks, Dena. Now I've got a different kind of makeover in mind." Her voice began losing its usual cheeriness, and was started to sound twisted and distorted, as if it were being played back on a stereo that was running low on batteries. She then sweeped her wand from right to left, which caused the reviewers to be flung towards the walls in heaps. She then waved it again, and the Shades then gravitated towards each other with such force that they mashed together, forming a misshapen blob of wires, metal and leather that floated a few feet above the ground. She then made a faux lunging stab forward with her wand, and the blob exploded like an atomic bomb, sending Shade debris all over the hall, some pieces requiring a microscope to properly see.

"This is one fairy," Said the Makeover Fairy, her voice switched back to the diabetes-level-sweetness that it was normally, "That NOBODY fucks with!" And with that, she waved her wand one last time, and she disappeared in another puff of pink smoke.

The reviewers, clearly trying to figure out what the H.P. Lovecrap just happened, then heard the last intact window smash, followed by several marching footsteps making their way in through it. The owners of the footsteps all had the same face: Thick eyebrows, moustaches, and a perpetually pissed-off expression. Marching at the front was their leader, wearing a black jacket with white stripes on the sleeves, covering a red-and-black Superman t-shirt.

"Angry Joe Army, halt!" Said Joe, the army coming to a sudden stop. He took a quick look around the room, seeing the still bug-fuck-confused women, the remains of the convention and the coating of electronics on the walls and floor, stuttered for a few moments, but then found his voice again.

"Looks like those Shade bastards heard we were coming and ran off scared. Don't you think, boys?"

"Sir, yes, sir!" Said the Army.

The Nostalgia Chick's brow twitched.

"Yeah, that's right. Take all the credit for our work."

Joe ran over to Lindsay and the others and helped them up.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't want the Army to think they had come all this way for nothing. I had to think of something." Said Joe, trying his best to be charming and failing yet again.

"Well, at least you actually turned up to help, which is more than I can say for the others."

"Yeah, about that: We've kept receiving word about the others getting attacked by these things, and others, so I brought my ship round and picked up the others. You had already left for MagFest by the time we got the message, so I picked the people who were closest first then came here."

Lindsay was about to say something else, but Joe stopped her.

"Look, we don't have much time. The longer we stay here, the longer we stay targets for those mechanical bastards. We need to get on the ship now, while we have a window. Let's go." And with that, Joe, his Army, and the other reviewers made their way to Joe's ship, which was parked quite conspicuously on the ground.

As it got down to the last few people getting on (That is, after the thousand-strong Army got on first), Dena saw something out of the corner of her eye.

"Hey!" Shouted Nella, running as fast as she could towards the ship, "Wait for me!"

Now, while Dena did notice this, this wasn't what she was worried about, but rather what was following Nella to the ship.

"Quick!" She shouted ahead. "There's more of them coming!" And as if they needed a reason, they quickened their pace and all got on the ship within a few minutes. However, just as Nella was getting on, a Shade grabbed her leg and prevented her from climbing on completely, meaning the entrance had to stay open to prevent further harm to Nella, and giving the Shades a means of entry. Knowing they needed to get moving, Joe ordered Lisa to start up the ship. Nella kept kicking at the Shades till they let go of her, which they eventually did, just as they started getting off the ground, but a few of the Shades had already climbed aboard. Quickly, Joe activated the 'close' controls, and retrieved his guns, ready for a fight, as did the other gamers whom he had picked up earlier.

Just as they had reached a high enough altitude to fly off, a faint noise came from outside. The reason why they could hear it over the metallic clanging of the Shades scrambling up the ship was because it quickly became louder. As it got closer, some of the ship's other passengers, whom represented the main core section of Blistered Thumbs, began to have a collective fangasm, as they would have recognised that New Jersey accent anywhere, even if it wasn't saying actual words. All of a sudden, Nella appeard to pull herself up, leaving two different hands clutching the closing entrance. They pulled themselves up, revealing a man in a white pocket shirt. He immediately retrieved his Zapper from his pocket and fired it at the Shades that had gotten ahead, reducing their heads to sparking wires. He then punched one of the closer ones in the face, severely denting it and forcing it to collapse on the ground, and he swiftly ran upwards towards the bridge. He then took one of the pens out of his pocket and threw it at the Shades that were still in front of the closing entrance. He then pressed a button on the rim of his glasses, causing the pen to beep for a few seconds and then explode, sending the Shades flying out of the ship.

"Take that, you fucking ass-rags!" Shouted the Nerd, casually making his way up to the bridge, where the reviewers began relapsing into their fanboy selves.

"You didn't honestly think you fuckballs were going to do this without me, did ya?"

As Angry Joe's ship flew towards the Windy City, in a small laboratory nearly devoid of wind, two scientists continued bickering.

"Are you seriously listening to yourself?" Said Linksano, smacking Linksano in the face, "We can't trust the Gatekeeper. Science knows what insane scheme he's concocted."

"Yes, because your plans are completely sound of mind, aren't they?" Said Insano, putting a hand to his face where it was hit. "Look, it's not as if we have to like working with them. From what I've been seeing of the rest of this motley crew, tensions are higher than the atomic number of Californium. I say we go through with the plan as suggested, but when the opportunity presents itself, we take advantage of the chaos."

"Oh yeah?" Said Linksano, looking at the monitor showing the Spacetime readings, "How? Mechakara would vaporize us in an instant, Lord Vyce is just looking for an excuse to turn our brains to jelly, and I don't even want to think about what our master could do to us."

"Remember the 'Warrior Incident'?"

"Which one? The one where you nearly destroyed all of Spacetime, the one where I nearly destroyed all of Spacetime, or the one where you saved all of Spacetime because Spoony laced your Red Bull with his happy pills?"

"Any of them, it doesn't matter. The point is what if we could replicate that, only focusing on the more, shall we say, beneficial results?"

Linksano stared blankly for a few seconds.

"I'm still not following you."

"Are you familiar with the term 'strength in numbers'?"

"Strength in what?"

"Strength in numbers." Said Insano, a little irritated.

"I said, strength in what?" Said Linksano, doing a little dance.

"Focus, damn it!" Insano promptly smacked Linksano in the face with his stethoscope. The blow to the head must have slid the puzzle pieces into place, because he immediately figured out what Insano was thinking. He then cackled in maniacal glee.

"You magnificent bastard…"

"If you say what I think you're going to say, I'll going to rearrange your molecules and turn you into a Human Starfish, then give you to my son as a plaything."

Linksano quieted.

"So, what do you think?"

Linksano grinned, and immediately went to his monitor, and got to work.

"If I've got it right, it's pure GENIUS!"

The two then became a mini-chorus of cackling; a solid 20 minute mini-chorus of loud, astoundingly creepy cackling.

"Hey!" Yelled a voice that had snuck up to the laboratory door. It was a half-naked man wearing only a bath towel around his waist and a large sock covering his head.

"Could you keep it down? It's kinda hard attending to my whores with you two ruining the mood."

"Well, sorry Mr. 'Critic Killer'. Just had a major breakthrough in our plot to destroy the reviewers. Nothing too serious."

The Sock just snorted, and left in a huff.

"Sorry about that, ladies." Said the same voice, now muffled by the wall separating the two rooms. "Now, who had the banana-scented lotion last?"

"Whose bright idea was it to have the Sock's harem right next to our laboratory?"

"I think it was our Master's."

A moment of silence followed, leading to the two scientists going back to their respective sections of the lab and continued conversing with the Lanterns about the rift. Insano sported an even wider grin than usual, now secure in the knowledge that he had his own failsafe, just in case things should become undesirable for him.