Bewildered, Sam went through the towering pile of job applications for waitressing positions at Merlotte's. All the applications were starting to look the same, and they were all from beautiful women in their early twenties.
"Why do you want to work at Merlotte's?" was one of the questions.
The various answers were very puzzling.
"I wanted to see the world and decided to settle in Bon Temps, a tiny town in the middle of nowhere."
"This is my original home and I am finally coming back after having had a terrible life in some unknown but exotic part of the world. Sookie Stackhouse is my cousin."
"I wanted an excuse to interact with Sookie Stackhouse while attracting the attentions of Eric Northman."
"I'm a sweet, innocent girl who is too classy to work at a vampire bar, but I need some sort of honest, down to earth employment while I catch the eye of Eric Northman."
"Eric Northman!"
"Because Eric Northman has been known to come here at times to see Sookie, and while he's doing that he'll notice me and fall in love with me instead."
"I don't know of any other bars within driving distance of Fangtasia, and Fangtasia isn't hiring anymore because it already has a flood of girls trying to work there."
"Because I want to reenact the exact plot of True Blood, line by line, scene by scene, but with myself as the main character instead of Sookie."
"Because I want to reenact the exact plot of True Blood, line by line, scene by scene, but with myself as Sookie's best friend who ends up replacing her as the heroine and the love interest of Eric Northman."
Sam scratched his head. Although he would have loved to hire all of these absolutely gorgeous, flawless girls, he could only hire so many.
#
The mayor of Bon Temps was near tears at the City Council meeting.
"Bon Temps is experiencing a sudden overpopulation crisis because all these young women are relocating here," he wailed. "The mayor of Shreveport says he has the same problem, but they have the infrastructure to handle this mass migration. But in Bon Temps, there aren't enough jobs, houses, or oxygen to go around!" He broke down sobbing and resigned.
#
The bureaucrat at the Baton Rouge branch of the Bureau of Vampire Affairs raised a skinny, penciled eyebrow when she saw the latest paperwork. Apparently some vampire in Shreveport called Eric Northman had made about 300 new vampires in the past year, all of them sexy young women with a defiant streak. He was indirectly the cause of a sudden spike in the human population of Bon Temps and Shreveport. The vampire population in Shreveport alone had tripled in the last month. Both cities were experiencing a ridiculously disparate male to female ratio, with about 90 females per each male. The newcomers who could not find work at either Merlotte's or Fangtasia (they never seemed to look for work anywhere else) were clogging the streets with prostitution and/or waiting in line for welfare checks.
There was only one solution to this. She picked up the red phone on her desk. "Get me Charlie," she told the operator.
#
Meyriadnra Suecretizia sprang her purple tinted, almond shaped eyes open at the crack of dawn. She was a warrior, one of the youngest of her kind at the tender age of sixteen, so she was accustomed to waking early. She gracefully stepped out of bed then walked over to a full length mirror to admire herself.
She had sleek long legs, a full bust, a slim waist, and slender but full hips. She could easily overpower a man 5 times her size. Of course, she didn't look like it. She did not have a single bulging muscle on her body. Her body had nothing but supple, soft curves. Each morning, she swallowed live tapeworms that would feed on the contents in her stomach. That way she could stay skinny without working out and becoming muscular.
Her hair was long, purple, and came down to her waist. It never tangled. It never got in her face in any of her fierce battles. It always looked perfectly styled, even though she had just woken up. She had purple tinted, almond shaped eyes to match, and always wore gold eyeshadow, even to bed. Her eye and hair color were natural, of course.
Her body bore no scars at all, despite her many battles and hand to hand combat fights, because she was just that good.
Before slipping into her tight leather catsuit that limited mobility and left no place to hide a weapon, she slipped a Vagisil egg inside herself. Unfortunately, her uniform had its hazards.
She checked her phone, which also doubled as a stun gun, grenade, and time machine, and saw that she had a new message.
"Call me back."
So, she called the caller back.
"Good morning, Meyriadnra," said the caller.
"Good morning, Charlie," she crooned.
"I have a new assignment for you."
"Oh?"
"Kill Eric Northman." Click.
Meyriadnra did not even bat a purple tinted, almond shaped eye.
#
Meyriadnra parked her purple flaming motorcycle in front of Fangtasia. Although she was only 16, and thus could only have a driving permit at that age, she managed to get around transportation wise. Her 5 inch spiked boots clicked on the ground as she strutted into Fangtasia. Pam was conveniently absent from her usual post. Meyriadnra smiled when she saw her target.
"Hello, Eric," she purred. She swayed her hips as she made her way over to his throne.
The Viking's eyes glazed over as he took in this purple seductress. "How enchanting," he responded in kind. "I am instantly drawn to you because you stand out in this crowd of black. I have feelings for you. I can tell that you are not entirely human."
"You have no idea." Meyriadnra leaned into his ear. "Take me somewhere private."
Although she could have staked Eric right there, and taken on all of the other vampires in the bar, she liked to seduce her victims before killing them. Seduction prior to assassination had its benefits, such as risking STD's and pregnancy, making her escape more difficult, and leaving her DNA all over the crime scene and the corpse. It was so much more convenient than using a sniper rifle from a distance.
Eric growled and brought her to his office, where they began to have sex for absolutely no reason at all, except to titillate the sexually repressed readers who judged other girls for having too much sex while secretly wishing they were having more sex themselves.
Meyriadnra pulled a stake out of nowhere (definitely not her tight leather catsuit because it would not have fit) and jabbed it into Eric's heart. Although Eric was a 1000 year old vampire with supernatural strength, he was no match for Meyriadnra Suecretizia, sixteen year old vampire slayer. She had been trained in a lab since she was 5 years old. She had been part of a government experiment on creating super soldiers. She was the perfect deadly sexy assassin. The government had wanted their assassins to be more sexy because that way they would stand out and be more memorable to witnesses when trying to kill someone. She even went through heat cycles like a cat.
Although most vampires instantly turned into bloody goop the second a stake touched their hearts, Eric's body stayed intact just long enough for him to make an astonished and hurt expression. Meyriadnra began to cry with regret. Her tears fell on his dissolving body.
"I'm sorry," she cried. "I was just following orders. I've been an assassin all my life. I didn't realize I'd fall in love with you…"
As she sobbed, her purple tinted tears flooded over the remains of Eric's body. Then, the power of love and the unknown supernatural powers of Meyriadnra saved the main male character but killed the plot in that instant.
A complete, living Eric resurrected from the remains. "You have saved me," he said, his eyes shining with love. Eyes that had not shown love since Sookie, Mary, and Ann.
"Eric, I-." A girl entered the room and froze. It was Mary Sue. "What are you doing with my cousin?"
"And what's my sister doing here?" Ann T. Sue rushed in a moment later.
Eric smiled devilishly. "Girls, there's enough of me to go around."
"No!" the Sue's screamed. "You must choose one!"
Eric looked blank. "But you're all the same!"
"Choose!"
"Very well. There is one Sue that I love the best."