Chapter Eight

It was times like this Ste wished he still smoked. Standing on street corners, outside a wrecked church in a hoodie seemed suspicious – but with a fag hanging out your mouth it gave you something to do so you stopped worrying about everyone else and what they were thinking. He checked the time on his phone: either he was early or Brendan was late. A bubble of panic rose in his chest until headlights stung his eyes and a silver Mercedes pulled up beside him.

Ste's thoughts drifted to a period of time that felt a lifetime ago now. He remembered waiting on an anonymous street, shivering and ribs still bruised and sore. He'd almost jumped out of his skin when Brendan beeped the horn at him back then and climbed apprehensively into the car. He'd never been in Brendan's car before and he'd sat bolt-upright, awkward limbs on the leather seat. Brendan's hand reached up to stroke his cheek and tucked Ste's hair behind his ear, leaving Ste to realise this was Brendan's way of moving on from the beating from the other day. And he'd sensed Ste's reluctance and moved in for a kiss, slow and tender, smiling and reassuring until Ste was once more putty in his hands, eager and compliant. They took a detour before reaching the hotel, somewhere dark and unseen. With the engine off, Brendan gave him a look that drove straight through Ste's resolve and without complaint he let Brendan's hands roam his thighs, groan into his mouth. And then before he'd even had chance to think about how much he wanted Brendan to do it, Brendan had gone down on him, leaving Ste breathless, pressing his burning face against the cold window pane.

Brendan's voice woke him from the memory.

"Get in," he said with the window wound down.

They sat in silence for a while in the car, Ste gazed out the window watching hedge rows blur.

"Loverboy's waiting for you to come home is he?" Brendan asked.

Ste wondered whether Brendan could ever manage a genuine question. It was laced with hatred, sarcasm and jealousy, Ste supposed.

"It's none of your business,"

"Touchy subject. I get it, I get it." Brendan said. "Must be hard for you boys, the lies…"

"Coming from the king of lies," Ste said with a glare.

Brendan laughed coldly. "And look who you're with now Stephen. The king,"

Ste scoffed.

"You're not so pure as driven snow yourself, are you Stephen? It's not as if you're lying to protect his feelings, is it?"

Ste found his fists balling. "You 'aven't got a clue,"

"So if he knew you were alone with me right now, in the dark, in my car…"

Ste cut him off. "He'd have nothing to worry about."

"So he trusts you around me then? Noah?" Brendan asked, his voice mocking Noah's very name.

"He doesn't trust you," Ste said flatly.

Brendan gave a smug hum of approval. "So he'd really hate this then,"

"And you get a real kick of that, don't ya?"

Brendan changed gear and chuckled, low in his throat. "Whatever cosy little set up you two have got going on is no flies on me mate,"

Ste burned with answers and comebacks. He knew it bothered Brendan right to the core that he couldn't have him anymore and that he and Noah were flaunting love's young dream right under his nose. But at the same time, Ste was playing right into his hand – lying to Noah, spending more and more time with Brendan again, locked into secret deals and hushed whispers. Everything with Brendan was illicit and dangerous and immoral. And he'd be lying, he'd be denying everything he'd known to be true since he was a boy, to say that danger and crime and secrets didn't turn him on. The buzz, the adrenaline – it was an addiction he'd been trying to fight with what was good and what was right. He just hoped it wasn't a losing battle.

\x\

"You tell him nothing, you understand? Nothing. Not your name, not the time, nothing," Brendan said. They pulled into a side road of a non-descript area. Ste wasn't even sure what city they were in, only that it seemed like they'd been on the road for over an hour.

"I get the message," Ste replied, a little abruptly.

"Hey," Brendan said tapping Ste's cheek, "Don't be giving me any of that," he gave a talking gesture with his hand, "I ain't saying it for a joke. I mean it. You're playing the game with the big boys now,"

"I know," he said, "Hang around on the mobile, say the magic phrase and I'll be handed the all-important information. You told me a hundred times,"

"So I did," Brendan replied.

Brendan watched him leave and switched off the engine as the car flooded with darkness. He knew that no harm could come of Stephen in this simple exchange of an address and name, he wouldn't have asked him otherwise, but it did make him sweat. He sat still and rigid in the seat, picking and chewing at his fingernails, checking his watch at all-too regular intervals. At seconds dragged on he wished he'd roped someone meaningless, someone anonymous into this deal, someone that didn't make him ache pathetically with worry.

Mere minutes later the passenger door was being unlocked and Ste jumped into the car. Brendan tried not to look as relieved as he felt on Ste's return. Ste almost bounced into the seat and launched the envelope in Brendan's direction. It was only then Brendan realised that Ste was actually giddy!

"What?" Ste asked when he realised Brendan had been starting at him with a bemused smirk before he turned the key in the ignition.

"You got a buzz off of that did ya?"

"No," Ste said with an expression that made him ever more transparent.

Brenda laughed a little in the back of his throat. "Yeah y'are. It's adrenaline, coursing through your veins right now, I've been there."

Brendan saw a layer of guilt wash Stephen's face.

"Some people take drugs for kicks, some sky dive. Men like you and me? It's risk. Danger."

Ste was glad of the darkness in the car, he felt a little more hidden as he watched Brendan now, writing off his guilt, making the thrill of crime and jeopardy feel ever more exciting.

Brendan pierced him with blackened, knowing eyes and Ste was taken back to times before in the dark, those same eyes, that same quiet of heavy breathing and the thrill of secrets and lies and the forbidden.

"Doing things we shouldn't do. That's what gets us off," Brendan continued.

Ste closed his eyes, slower than he intended and swallowed. Pushing out the adrenaline he spoke.

"I need to go home now."