Tegan Chronicles

Affairs of Love 11

She'd simply told Paige she didn't want to talk about it when she picked her up, and begged her to forget about it when she dropped her off. She spent the night in front of a muted TV listening to music. Somewhere around two am, Guster's 'Two Points For Honesty' started playing and she hit the repeat button. She wondered just when he'd started listening to Guster, it wasn't really his generation, and just who if anyone had told him she was a waste of time.

She refused to cry, even as the tears stung her eyes. She wasn't going to let him hurt her like that. She'd never loved him, had she? No she wasn't going to cry, even as wet trails streaked her cheeks, she wasn't going to cry over him.

The sun was up when she decided if she couldn't sleep she could at least find that yellow dress and have a barbeque. Tired of hearing the painful words she returned the music to its random shuffle and headed upstairs where she took a shower. The phone rang and she stuck her suds covered head out of the shower curtain to get a better listen. It sounded like Janet, not that she was planning to answer it if it had been Greg. He probably had a hang over and a good thing too; he deserved every bit of it. And she hoped his redeye was delayed and then hit turbulence for the entire flight.

She walked by the answering machine her hair dripping water down her back causing the mossy green t-shirt she was wearing to stick to her. She hit the play button as she noticed the rose he'd brought her. "Tegan its Janet, I hope you're sleeping. Give me a call when you get this."

She picked up the cordless and dialed Janet while throwing the dress and rose on the dinning room table. "Hey."

"I didn't wake you earlier did I?"

"No, I was in the shower." She slammed the kitchen cabinet shut having found the lighter fluid.

"Did you sleep any?" She phrased the question so she hoped Tegan couldn't find any loopholes.

"Nope." Tegan wasn't going to sugar coat it, Janet was an adult. She was an adult for that matter and she wasn't about to let anyone else dictate what she could and couldn't do outside of work.

"Oh." Janet heard a drawer slide shut. "What are you doing?"

"Getting ready to start up the grill, want me to fix you something?"

"No." Janet checked her watch, it was eleven. "What are you fixing?"

"Yellow dress with a rose on the side."

"I take it the date didn't go well?" She tried not to smile and was glad Tegan wasn't there to see it.

"It was dinner, not a date. And it has nothing to do with him, that color looked awful with my hair."

"It was a beautiful dress, I thought you picked it out."

"Just because I like yellow doesn't mean I can wear every shade of it."

"You're grumpy."

"I haven't slept in…" Tegan was too tired to do the math in her head.

"Too long to count, so why don't you let me bring you a sedative or call in something for you?"

"I'm fine." She slid the back door open. "I need to go."

"Try not to burn the house down."

Tegan looked up from the latest medical journal she was reading as the doorbell echoed in her ears. It was after eleven, which meant it was probably someone from base. She briefly cursed under her breath as she pulled the door open. "Janet I swear if you're on the other side of that door…Greg? I thought you had a flight to catch."

"I…" He'd known this was a bad idea. "I changed flights."

"Oh." Her brow wrinkled, "When's it leave?"

"Trying to get rid of me?" He smiled uneasily as Shadow disappeared back into the living room disinterested in the interruption.

"Actually, yes." She looked at her bare toes against the welcome mat. She thought she should ask him in, but reminded her self she was still mad.

"First thing in the morning."

"Oh." She'd used that one already.

"Can we talk?"

"I've got to work in the morning." She started to close the door.

"I'm sorry."

"Do you even know what you're sorry for?" She turned and walked away.

"Because I hurt you, I hurt the girl…" How many times had he said it, the girl he loved, why couldn't he now? "I was a total jerk last night."

"So you remember being a jerk?"

"It was never my intention to hurt you, you have to believe that." He stepped in closing the door behind him.

"'Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind. I never knew till someone told me that... If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time'" She knew the song as well if not better than he did. "'Two points for honesty, it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all.'"

"I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say it, Tegan, I'm really sorry."

She could hear the emotion in his voice. He was so close she could smell the shower gel he'd used that morning, she could feel the warmth of his body behind her, and stepped to move away from it.

He watched her silently, giving her the space she so desperately wanted.

She could feel his eyes on her. She craved his arms around her. She needed him to tell her how much he still cared for her. She needed him to tell her it wasn't too late.

"You could never love me." Her voice broke the stillness surrounding them.

"I did love you, once."

Once, she convinced herself that one little word held the future in its balance. That it meant never again. "Do you love her?"

Greg stared at her back for a long minute, wishing, hoping she would turn and look at him. That she would love him. "I'm going to ask her to marry me."

"And that's why you came back?"

"I had to know I wasn't making the biggest mistake of my life."

"Well, now you can get married with a clean conscious."

"I needed to know if there was anything between us before I could move forward." He watched her turn to him.

"I always loved you." There she said it. She meant it.

"Yes, you always loved me, but you've never been in love with me." He took her arm gently. "'Desperado, why don't you come to your senses. You've been out ridin' fences, for so long now. You're a hard one, I know that you've got your reasons.'"

"Don't sing to me, not now." But she didn't push him away.

"'Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you; you better let somebody love you...before its toooooo late.'" He released her arm. "Don't let life pass you by."

She moved to the stand by the front door and pulled open the drawer removing the keys to her Ducati, her back to him once again. She'd told Janet she wouldn't drive, but she needed to feel anything except what she was feeling now.

He heard the keys jingle before she closed her fist around them. "You can't leave."

"I can." Her normal defiance was missing. She didn't want to fight with him.

"You're not supposed to be driving."

"You didn't seem to care about that last night." Her voice was strangely calm even to her own ears.

"Janet asked you not to."

"I know what she said." Tegan stared at the keys in her hand, aware of his gaze piercing into her back. "I was there."

"Nice to know I'm not the only one you ignore."

"I never ignored you!" Her rage erupted like Vesuvius, the keys flying out of her hand as she turned back in his direction.

She hadn't thrown the keys. He'd seen them slip through her fingers, but he flinched all the same when they clattered on the hardwood floor. "No you just ran away from me. Built walls, pushed me away."

Her chest felt as if it would burst like a balloon filled past capacity. The room was no longer stable, reminiscent of looking through the heat rising off Arizona asphalt in August. She pointed in the direction she's last seen the door. "Leave!"

"Tegan?" He stepped toward her, his arms outstretched to catch her.

"Just go –" Her voice broke, betraying her as bubbles of darkness started to fill her vision. If he walked out, would her entire universe shatter into a million pieces? She couldn't stop the words from tearing out of her. "Leave me."