A/N: ~~ Sorry for the long delay, I've been grounded for over two months. -.-' But I'm back, so~ new SUPER LONG chapter!
→ My little sister often begs me to edit her stories. This one, I begged to edit. It killed my soul. Be prepared to see more of this writing style [and maybe a little of me] in the upcoming chapters. You've been warned. -Editor: sme9008 [Shendelle]
~~ … I didn't think it was that bad Shendelle. And who says I even wanted you in this story?
→ You did.
Oh, yeah... (awkward pause) Onto the story!
→ *Facepalm*
*DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Bleach or any of its characters!
"Well, looks like we're back for another riveting chapter of Bleach Dares! To start things off, we're gonna take a look at the footage of-" Cat was interrupted by snickering and an annoying wannabe-panther.
"Oi Cat! Oh Aizen, why are ya', dear Aizen I can't do it!" Grimmjow fell on his ass laughing wildly while clutching his chest.
"What the hell Grimmjow?" Cat demanded, already exasperated. "Urahara told us!" Renji began, after somewhat controlling his laughter. "Haha, oh my Yamam-"
"Told you what?" She seethed at the pineapple and the wannabe-panther. Renji smirked, "the reason as to why you're all dressed up." He motioned to Cat's outfit. She wore a black evening gown that just brushed the floor, with sparkles adorning the dress here and there. Her hair was tied in a loose side braid. She also wore strappy black heels.
Cat instantly blushed. "Wh-what are you t-talking about?"
"I don't think it's wrong for Catherine-san to want to dress up. She looks very lovely. It is also wrong for two men to laugh at a lady." Ukitake interjected and scolded at the same time.
"A lady?" Grimmjow and Renji laughed.
Still blushing as red as Renji's hair, Cat yelled; "shut-up you two! So, welcome back. Um, I guess we can just watch the videos now."
"Are you all right?" Ukitake questioned, concerned.
Trying to hide her embarrassment, she quickly changed the subject. "I'm fine; just play the videos!"
Ukitake pressed a button on a remote that he had been holding. A movie screen came down from the ceiling, stopping in front of the red curtains. He grabbed two stools from the side of the room and set them down off-stage. He and Cat sat next to each other while Grimmjow and Renji continued rolling around on the stage, laughing like idiots.
"Oi, morons! Move yourselves!" Cat demanded. Said idiots continued to laugh and roll around.
"It appears that they are ignoring you." Ukitake stated.
"I am not in the mood…" Cat mumbled to herself. "ULQUIORRA-SAMA!" She called.
Ulquiorra walked onto the stage. He emotionlessly shot a cero at Renji and Grimmjow, blowing them into the sky. He casually walked back off, hands tucked in his pockets.
"Alright then, let's see what happened in the closets!" Cat said enthusiastically as she fist pumped into the air.
Closet 1: Grimmjow and Lilynette
"I can't see anything! It's dark; turn on the lights!" Lilynette groaned, much to the annoyance of Grimmjow.
"Stop whinin' brat 'else I'll cero ya'!" He growled.
Lilynette yelled "I'm telling Starrk on you!"
Grimmjow smirked. "Not 'nless I kill ya' first."
Ukitake fast-forwarded the rest of the video. For the remainder of the hour, Grimmjow wrestled with the girl. Despite their size difference, Lilynette boldly held her ground (the small space giving her an added bonus). Throughout the whole fight, she kept throwing stupid, and sometimes smart, remarks at the annoyed and bloodthirsty sexta.
"Moving on to closet two, this one is getting boring." Cat announced.
"Of course, but watching Grimmjow get hurt bores you? I'm surprised." Ukitake stated, the shock clearly evident on his face.
"I already saw him get blown away today." Cat shrugged. "The enjoyment has passed."
Closet 2: Shunsui and Rangiku
"We're going to be in here for an hour, why not lighten up the mood?" Shunsui suggested.
"What did you have in mind?" Rangiku asked.
Shunsui pulled a bottle of sake out of nowhere. He popped it open and poured it into two sake cups (that also came out of nowhere). Rangiku graciously accepted the drink that had been offered to her.
"Cheers~!" They both exclaimed gleefully.
"Where the hell did they get those? Before they went in, I made sure they didn't have anything on them." Cat asked, completely confused.
"Never underestimate Shun when it comes to alcohol. He always finds a way." Ukitake said simply.
"That worries me…"
Back on the screen, the two dedicated drinkers were cramped tightly together sitting across from each other, in the closet, as they downed four more bottles.
"Where are they getting those?" Cat exclaimed. For the life of her, she couldn't understand how they snuck the bottles in there.
"I guess that explains why an avalanche of sake bottles fell on me yesterday when I let them out…." Ichigo mumbled.
Startled, Cat turns to look at him. "An avalanche-wait when did you get here?
"He came in half way through the second video." Ukitake stated casually.
"Oh." She nodded. "But seriously, how are they not dead yet..?"
"Shinigami get stabbed, beaten, frozen, burned and all sorts of other various injuries, and you're worried about their drinking? He asked incredulously.
She stares blankly before replying "yeah, why?" Both males simultaneously sweat dropped.
Instead of questioning her further, Ukitake decided to change the subject. "Closet 3?"
She shrugs casually, "yeah, might as well."
Closet 3: Toshiro and Hiyori
"Oi, watch it midget!" Hiyori screamed.
"Midget? I'm taller than you! And it's Hitsugaya-Taicho to you!" Toshiro yelled, frustrated.
"Whatever, pervert." She muttered.
"What did you call me?" He growled, the blood veins clearly visible on his forehead.
"Pervert. Pervert, pervert, pervert, pervert, pervert, and pervert, pervert-" She chanted. "Hey stop that-" Toshiro cried, although it didn't hinder the blonde-powder-keg. "-pervert, pervert, pervert-" Finally, Toshiro put his hand over Hiyori's mouth. In return, she pushed him against the closet wall. He suddenly pulled back, grasping his hand, which had been bitten by Hiyori. She smiled triumphantly, and then kicked Toshiro in the shin. It turned into a full-blown brawl.
"… Damn." Cat whispered.
"Indeed." Ukitake agreed.
Ichigo crosses his arms. "Serves 'em right."
Cat lazily waved her hand. "Just, just go to the next closet."
Closet 4: Yoruichi and Byakuya
Byakuya was standing straight and very noble like, while Yoruichi sat cross-legged in front of him. She flashed him a wicked smile before standing up. "You know what we should do?" Byakuya stared blankly at the woman, who remained unfazed. She then announced her brilliant idea, playing tag.
"You are suggesting that we play tag?" Byakuya verified before continuing. "Two nobles, one whom is still a captain and the other a former captain, play tag in a three-foot by two-foot closet?"
Still unfazed, Yoruichi nodded and said "Yup!"
Byakuya coldy stared at her. "No, thank you."
Yoruichi leaned over and poked him on the shoulder. "Tag."
He continued to glare at her. "I refuse to lower myself to your childish games as I did when I was-"
She poked his cheek. "Tag!"
He closed his eyes before finishing, "-a child."
Yoruichi continued to poke him multiple times. "Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag!"
Byakuya, who was clearly agitated, shunpo'd behind Yoruichi and attempts to grab her. Anticipating that, Yoruichi shunpo'd above Byakuya, who shunpo'd to his original spot. The two continue to do this for the rest of the time.
Ichigo mumbled, "that explains why their closet was on its side."
Cat sent Ichigo a blank stare. "I question why I work with you morons…"
"We're glad that you put up with us. It wouldn't be the same without you." Ukitake smiled warmly at her.
"...And that's why." She said as she stared dreamily at the Captain.
"Pardon?" Ukitake questioned, not understanding what she meant.
Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Even I'm not that dense."
Cat pointed at Ichigo and yelled at an abnormally fast rate, "Orihimeisinlovewithyou!"
Confused, Ichigo stared at her. "Wait, what?"
"Yes, yes you are that dense." She smiled, satisfied. "Last closet!"
Closet 5: Nanao and Retsu
The two intelligent and tasteful women sat on their knees across from each other. Nanao adjusted her glasses and said something that couldn't be heard.
"Jushiro, please turn it up?" Cat requested politely.
"I'm trying." Ukitake turned the volume to the max, although no sound could be heard. "Peculiar. Leave it to Ise-san and Retsu."
Unohana smiled at Nanao and pulled a piece of paper and a brush from out of nowhere.
Cat blinked, confused. "Seriously. How are they doing that?"
She proceeded to write down what Nanao was saying while making her own comments here and there. This went on for the next hour. They finished and Unohana laid down the paper, allowing everyone to see what it said.
Ichigo gulped. "I-is that what I t-think it is."
"Female world domination." Ukitake read, "Indeed, it is, Kurosaki."
Ichigo threw Ukitake a concerned look. "Ya think they'll actually do it?"
Both Cat and Ukitake nodded fearfully, "Yes."
Ichigo is left to imagine what horrors the two women would do on his own.
Instantly perking up, Cat changed the subject. "Okay, to the next dare! Submitted by The Golden Boy: 'I dare Ichigo to kiss Orihime xD' Kyaa~ I love this pairing! Come on out Orihime!"
Orihime came out from behind the curtain escorted by Ulquiorra. He stopped in front of Ichigo and glared coldly. "Be good to the Onna. I will be watching." He warned Ichigo.
Ichigo glared back at Ulquiorra. "I'm always good to Inoue-san!"
Cat, a bit over-ecstatically, yelled, "yeah! Love triangle! I absolutely adore UlquiHime! Go Ulqui-kun!"
"You just said you loved Kurosaki and Inoue." A confused Ukitake stated.
"But I love UlquiHime more! I basically love any non-crack couple in Bleach, they all have their strong points. Now, kiss you two!" Cat rambled defensively.
"M-me, k-kiss Kurosaki-k-kun?" Orihime stuttered.
"It's okay Inoue. I'll kiss ya on your cheek if ya'd like?" Ichigo suggested.
Orihime glanced back at Ulquiorra, who was in the corner. He turned his head to the side, avoiding eye contact. Orihime turned back to Ichigo. With a meek nod, she closed her eyes. Ichigo leaned down and gently kissed her on her cheek. Ulquiorra promptly walked off stage.
Blushing, Orihime stuttered out, "T-thank you, K-kurosaki-kun!"
"Aww, she doesn't know how to react!" Cat gushed.
Ichigo lazily scratched his head. "Ya don't have ta thank me, Inoue. But, you're welcome."
Orihime turned around nervously and noticed Ulquiorra's absence. She looked to one of the crewmen.
"He walked off stage. Seemed upset." The crewman stated
Orihime ran off stage to find Ulquiorra. "Ulquiorra!"
Cat watched dreamily, "Ah, love~!"
Ukitake announced, "the next dare is by BlackDesires: 'TROLOLOL I cant breathe. Man well after reading this I have to give a dare. I dare Hitsugaya to makeout and I mean no peck on the lips with…(drum roll please)'-
"Weee~ " Cat continued banging on random drums, until Ukitake cleared his throat.
'MATSUMOTO. Please do this one if u did you would become my all time favorite author. ja ne :)'" Ukitake finished.
Turning to Ukitake, Cat asked, "Jushiro, guess what?"
"What?" Ukitake returned her look with confusion.
"I just became BlackDesires all time favorite author! Cause those two are gonna make out! Come on out Rangiku and Shiro-chan!" Cat declared happily. Captain Hitsugaya and Lieutenant Matsumoto appear from behind the curtain.
"Okay, make out." Cat ordered, still in an overly happy voice.
"First off, it's Hitsugaya-Taicho, and I will not make out with my fukutaicho or any other female for that matter." Toshiro fumed.
"Okay, it's 6PM and I have to leave in about twenty minutes for mystery night with my youth. I haven't updated in over two months because I've been grounded from the computer. Don't you dare tell me, the author, what you will and won't do!" She raged, her happy mood gone. Silence fell across everyone on stage and in the audience.
"Now, if your tongue isn't jammed down her throat in the next ten seconds, people are going to start dying!" Cat threatened.
Rangiku threw her hands up in the air, "Oh gods, just come here, my little stud~!" As Toshiro tried to object to his Lieutenants actions, she caught him by his wrist and wrestled him to the floor. Before he could let out any more protests, she had shoved her tongue down his throat.
Cat gasped. "Holy crap!"
Ichigo covered his eyes. "Th-these people are all indecent!"
Cat rolled her eyes. "You're just a prude. What I was thinking is that it seems every time I tell someone to do something to someone else, it happens the reverse way. That, or maybe the females are just better at initiating these things." She shrugged.
"Oh, it looks like Shiro-chan passed out." Ukitake noted. Everyone's eyes darted down to the, now unconscious, Captain. Rangiku got off the ground, cooed at her Captain and how adorable he looked. She flung him over her shoulder, before saying, "thanks for having me! I had fun~!"
"Don't thank me; thank BlackDesires! I hope you liked the dare, BD. As much as I dislike that pairing, I had so much fun making them do that! Alright, next dare submitted by HellReaper; 'I'm back. Hanataro: Run up behind either Unohana or Isane 'your choice' and grope her. Rukia and adult Nel: switch bodies for the rest of the chapter. Ichigo: Make out with Rukia. Soifon: Kick Nnotria in the head. He wasn't supposed to get a lap dance. Also because I don't like him that much. Last but not least, Cat: Kiss Ukitake. See ya.'Yay for HR~!" Cat smiled before running up to Jushiro. She tackled him to the floor and kissed him on the lips.
"I love you, Jushiro~!" Cat yelled.
Jushiro gently pushed Cat off him. "Yes, thank you."
"Okay, now I can change." Cat ripped off her dress, revealing a t-shirt and jeans underneath. She kicked off her heels and pulled out her braid, messing her hair up. *
Ichigo stared at her, fascinated. "Ya' really had to dress up for that?"
"Yes." She stated proudly. "Now for the first dare, I sent Hana to go do that earlier. Bring him out!" Hanataro walked onto the stage looking perfectly fine.
Cat glomped Hanataro while yelling, "Kyaa~! Hana! I love you! Wait, how are you not dead?"
Hanataro shrugged. "When I did that to Unohana-taicho, she just sat me down and gave me a long lecture about sexual harassment."
She smiled. "Yeah, it's kind of hard to get angry with you. Okay, bye Hana!" Hanataro walked off of stage before Cat moved onto the next part of the dare. "Now for some fun, Rukia and Nel have already switched bodies! Here they are!" She said with a mischievous smile on her face.
Rukia came out onto stage, staring at her new features in pure joy. Whereas, Nel followed behind, looking rather unhappy about her new body.
Tapping her chin, Cat voiced her thoughts, "I'm not sure whether Ichigo is supposed to make out with the real Rukia, or Nel in Rukia's body." With an evil smile, she continued. "For the fun of it, make out with Nel in Rukia's body!"
Ichigo looked down at Rukia, well Nel in Rukia's body. She suddenly grabbed him and pulled him into a deep kiss.
"Hey!" Rukia protested Nel's use of her body.
"I wuv Itsygo!" Nel screamed in between kisses.
Cat motioned for them to leave. "Take the drama back stage guys. Now Soifon kick-" A pissed Soifon appeared on stage. Cat quickly dived behind Ukitake for protection.
"I heard what happened from that moron, Urahara!" Soifon began, looking like a rabid feline. "I already took care of that stupid arrancar, now where's the substitute at?" Her eyes searched the room until they found their target. "You!" She seethed before attacking him. [Note: The onslaught was too bloody and violent to be included in this fanfic.]
Still grasping Ukitake's sleeve, Cat gently kicked the strawberry to check for signs of life. "Scary…"
An unfazed Ukitake moved onto the next dare. "Submitted by SilverSwallow: Love this fic :D ! I dare Renji to jump around the stage (or whatever) in one foot, dressed in a tutu (sorry Renji, I just HAD to do this…) AND I dare Ichigo to call Captain Kuchiki "Mr. Flower-Power" every time they talk (or look at) to each other."
Renji came bouncing across the stage in a tutu. Out of boredom, Cat stuck her foot out in front of him. "Hey!" Renji yelled in surprise as he stumbled to the ground.
"I love you, Renji!" She finished with a smile. "And due to the fact that Ichigo is almost dead, we'll have to do that dare next chapter. One Captain has already beaten him to a bloody pulp today."
Shaking his head lightly at the brunette, Ukitake read the next dares. "Sargerogue submitted the next dare. The dates are currently on going and will be viewed in the next chapter. They'll be worth the wait! Now for the dare by LightningIzzy:1. I dare Chad and Orihime to switch clothes XD 2. I dare Uryuu to dress up in a pop-tart costume and dance to the nyan-cat song! 3. I dare Ulquiorra to dress up as batman (the author may keep him in the costume for as long as she wants) while running around and going "BATMAN!" He must do this for as long as he has the costume on. 4. Any Bleach character of the author's choice (preferably an Espada) must dress up as Robin and follow Ulquiorra around for as long as he's wearing the costume."
"There were some technical difficulties with this one, mainly chad ripping Orihime's clothing, so we had a school uniform made especially to his size. Chad's clothes are way too big for Orihime, but that's fine. Uryuu is ready to rock and roll in his pop-tart costume and Ulquiorra is ready to protect the innocent in his batman costume! Come on out kiddos~!" Cat finished enthusiastically.
The four victims walked onto stage, each with a different facial expression. Chad looked mortified because of having to wear a skirt. Uryuu put on his best calm face, even though his extreme annoyance was showing. Ulquiorra looked… well, like Ulquiorra. And you couldn't see Orihime's face because of the over-sized clothing. She had already tripped six- "Ow!" -seven times.
"Orihime, sweetie, just sit down. Chad, you can go stand in the corner. Uryuu, Jushiro is getting your music, and Ulquiorra, I shall fetch your sidekick." Cat directed them. Uryuu and Ulquiorra stared at her retreating figure blankly.
Jushiro walked on stage just as Cat's retreating figure could no longer be seen. He was carrying a boom box and a CD. Plugging in the boom box, he got the CD out and put it in with ease.
"When did you learn to operate any sort of technology, Ukitake?" Ichigo questioned the Captain.
"Catherine-san has been teaching me." Ukitake stated casually. Just as he said that, Cat returned onto stage, dragging a reluctant Starrk behind her.
"Why me?" Starrk mumbled.
"You got to be a bum the other day, so suck it up! Now, go put on the costume I picked out for you. Rangiku will show you." Cat demanded the lazy Primera. Rangiku ran onto stage, grabbing the coyote's hand. "Come on Starrk, this'll be fun~" As Starrk was yet again dragged away, this time behind the curtains, Cat called out to him. "Oh, and Starrk?"
"What?" He groaned.
"I hope you like tights!"
"Hehe, all right, ready Uryuu?" Cat asked gleefully.
"No." He responded flatly.
Ignoring the quincy, Cat signaled the Captain. "Okay! Music please Jushiro~!" Ukitake nodded at Cat as he pushed the play button.
Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan Uryuu hopped up and down, trying to dance without feeling awkward. nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan Cat abruptly grabbed Uryuu's hands and jumps around crazily. The cat-crazed girl awkwardly tossed around Uryuu. nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan
"I believe that is enough." Ukitake stated as he stopped the boom box.
"Jushiro! I wanted to dance more!" Cat whined. Whereas, her dance partner looked beyond relieved. "… Thank you"
"I'm sorry Catherine-san, but I believe it's time to move onto the next part of the dare. Matsumoto-san, please bring out Starrk-kun." Ukitake explained to the child-like girl.
Bright and smiling, Rangiku dragged a mortified Starrk. Who was in his Robin costume. Silence filled the stage and the audience. In front of them stood the Primera Espada, decked out in sidekick gear. He was wearing a green shirt with an orange vest. A black circle was on the top right corner of his vest. Inside of the circle was the signature Robin 'R' in yellow. He wore green tights, which resembled underwear. A black belt with yellow belt buckle was around his waist. To top it all off, he was wearing a yellow cape.
"Holy embarrassment! I can't believe I let you put me in this!" Starrk exclaimed, causing everyone but Cat to stare at him in confusion. "Where did that come from?" Starrk, himself, questioned.
Cat adjusted her glasses before explaining. "Since you were going to be playing the part of Robin, I thought it best to manipulate your personality to better fit the role. For anyone who doesn't know: In Batman [The original animated and live-action series], Robin is best known for his 'holy _' comments. Seriously, look it up on youtube.
Starrk, still appearing confused, questioned, "How did you change my personality?"
She smiled innocently. "That's my little secret. Now Ulquiorra, you and Starrk must run around the studio. You have to yell "dun, na, na, na, na, dun, na, na, na. na, BATMAN~!" While Starrk will occassionally comment with his lines. Now, to the batmobile. Let's go, atomic batteries to power, turbine to speed." Using a radio voice, she continued "Rodger, ready to move out!"
Ukitake stared at her. "Did you just quote the beginning of the old batman TV show?"
"Yeah!" She exclaimed before playing the rest of the song "Go batman and Robin, go~!"
Without emotion, Ulquiorra said, "Dun, na, na, na, na, dun, na, na, na. na, BATMAN~!"
Cat cheered him on. "Yay Ulquiorra-sama! That's the spirit!" Starrk wordlessly followed Batman- Um Ulquiorra- out into the night- Err studio. Cat clapped happily.
Ukitake picked another card out of the box on stage, smiling he read "This dare is from Megumi Tsuki, 'I dare... Ichigo to slap Orihime till she slaps him (i just don't like that woman), Ulquiorra to sing the emo song happily (Nigahiga's version) and for Ikkaku to try to poison Yachiru's candy (show Kenpchi's reaction )"
Silence.
Ichigo's mouth hung agape. "How- Why- I would ne- I refuse to hurt Inoue!"
"Calm down strawberry," Cat sighed. "I'm not going to make you. I apologize Megumi, but there's only so much I can take from this bunch. Having them do something like that would not go over well, they'd revolt. As for your second dare..." Cat leaves off, crouching into the fetal position while rocking back and forth.
Ukitake walks over to her and crouches down to her level. "There, there Catherine-san." He comforted.
"Uh..." was the general response from the studio and characters on stage.
"Is she broken?" Ichigo asked a little too hopefully.
"I-I," Cat attempted to say. "No matter how many times we made him sing it, h-he just wouldn't do it happily!" She sobbed into Ukitake. "I-it was always the same!"
He helped her up. "Catherine-san, why don't we move on to the next dare?"
Wiping away her unnecessary tears, she shooed everyone off stage. "We already sent Ikkaku off to do this one, so we'll watch the video of it-"
"How did you get Ikkaku to agree to that?" Ichigo demanded from his spot in the audience.
"Um, I told him it was sugar."
"He still agreed?" He asked incredulously.
Cat looked slightly guilty. "I- um- promised I'd get him some Rogain..."
Ichigo raised an eyebrow at her. "What's that?"
"Well, you see, it's uh, hair... regrowth... shampoo..."
Everyone looked at her questioningly. Some were debating whether to fall on their asses laughing, or hang their heads in shame.
"On to the video!" Cat cried, while taking her seat beside Ukitake.
On screen, it showed Ikkkaku cautiously walking toward Yachiru, whose back was turned. Very carefully he pulled a bag of white "sugar" out. Making sure the coast was clear, he delicately sprinkled some on the giant lollipop that sat on the ground.
After that was done, he ran like hell. The screen flickered off.
Cat ran back up on stage, a mellow Ukitake walking behind her. Everyone looked at Kenpachi (who had been in the audience). His eyes were wide in shock, anger written everywhere else on his body. "Ikkaku!" He threatened the third seat, who was now walking on stage.
"What?" He asked innocently. He had no idea what he had done wrong.
Unsheathing his Zanpakuto, he pointed it menacingly at him. "You tried to poison Yachiru!"
"I thought it was sugar!" He defended himself, shooting Cat a cold glare.
Kenpachi immediately dropped his sword, shaking in anger, "That's even worse!" he screamed before picking up his sword and jumping his third seat.
Ikkaku pulled out his Hōzukimaru, ready to fight. As the two vicious men faced off, Cat turned to Ukitake. "Jushiro? How is giving Yachiru candy worse than poisoning her?"
"Have you ever seen her on a sugar craze?"
"No."
"Then you wouldn't understand." The man shuddered, remembering one of the few instances he had witnessed the horror.
-. . . . 5 minutes later . . . .-
Ukitake sighed. He wondered how that much blood could have come from two Shinigamis, both of whom were still alive. Picking another card out of the box on stage and read aloud: "This dare was submitted by HibiscusAngel15: Um, Grimmjow has to sing "Elmo's World" until either Byakuya or Ulquiorra screams for their mommy, Renji confesses his undying love for Rukia already. Also, Gin has to NOT smile for the whole next chapter. If he does, Rangiku has to slap him."
Grimmjow walked onto stage looking pissed, as shocking as that may be. Byakuya followed behind, his face void of emotion. Cat beamed at the two men. "Grimm-kitty, let's hear that adorable voice~!"
Ignoring her pet name for him, he cleared his throat. "This is the song, la la la la, Elmo's song~"
"Scatter, Senbanzakura."
"Wait! Ahh-!" Grimmjow dashed from the stage, millions of sakura petals hot on his trail. Cat ushered Byakuya behind the curtains, not wanting him there for the next dare. Rukia walked onto stage after her brother's departure, unaware of the events that were about to unfold.
"Kira, Shuuhei~ Bring him out!" Cat ordered the men behind the curtains. The studio grew quiet as everyone listened to the crashes and thuds that were occurring behind the curtains. Sure enough, a drunk-out-of-his-mind Renji wobbled on stage.
"Renji!" Rukia cried. It was not in his character to get this drunk. Well, in front of her at least.
Blowing past Rukia, Renji made his way over to a confused strawberry. "You!"
"Me?" Ichigo asked raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, you! Where do ya' gettt off takin' Rukia frooon ma?" He demanded, his words coming out as mostly drunk gibberish. "We were frands, frands! Sance we met ean the Rukonsig, the Rukonderk, Rukialan, the, the-" He attempted to say. "Th-that place!" He finally managed. "But, you, you had ter steal her 'way fro' may. You tink thaz okay? It isn't!" He abruptly grabbed Ichigo by the collar of his shirt, lifting him off the ground. "I loooved her firzt!"
Ichigo pushed Renji away as Rukia stared on, mouth agape. "I didn't steal her away from you! She was never yours to begin with!"
"Knock it off you two!" Rukia cried at them, trembling with anger. She immediately ran off stage. "Rukia!" The men shouted after, following her behind the curtains. Silence ensued.
Cat played with her hair, unsure of what to do. "Um, Gin and Rangiku, please come out..." She tried. The two emerged from behind the curtain. Taking this as her cue to continue, Cat brightened up a bit. "Okay, Gin, you can't smile at all, and if you do, Rangiku get's to hit yo-"
Rangiku cut her off, slapping Gin across his face."That's for not telling me where you would go when we were kids! That's for leaving with Aizen! That's for not telling me why!" With each sentence, another slap came to the former Captain. "That's for making me and Kira go through all that pain! That's for-"
"Uh, Rangiku?" Cat interrupted. "He's not even smiling…"
"That's for not smiling!" She screamed before exiting the stage. Gin looked beyond confused, and beyond red in the face.
"Ran-chan!" He said, going after said woman.
Ukitake and Cat exchanged looks. "New dare?" They asked at the same time. Reaching her hand into the box, she pulled a new card out. "Dare was submitted by Ablast4: If you do make Ulquiorra dress up as Batman, then I dare Grimmjow to dress up as the Joker. I dare Tatsuki to kick Nnoitra and one other person of her choosing. I dare Soifon to get in the closet with Yoruichi and Byakuya. I dare Urahara to find a way to un-drug Soifon, then tell her about what she did to Ichigo and Nnoitra and see how she reacts. I dare Ukitake to stroke Cat's hair. I dare Yamamoto to shave his beard."
"For Soifon, that one was already taking care of. She did not react well…" Cat shuddered, remembering the day's early encounter with the undrugged woman. "We've already dressed Grimmjow up as the Joker, and sent him out to cause Batman and Robin some trouble. Tatsuki, please come out!"
Walking onto stage with an evil gleam in her eye, Tatsuki turned to cat. "Ichigo."
"What?"
"Ichigo's the other one I want to kick. Bring them out." Not wanting to piss off or question the demonic woman next to her, Cat obliged.
"Please come out Ichigo and Nnoitra." Nnoitra walked onstage and was immediately jumped by the beast. Kicking him in the stomach, he flew into the air. Tatsuki jumped up above him, punching him to the ground. Landing comfortably on the pile of skin that was once known as Nnoitra, she stood, awaiting her next victim. Cat latched onto Ukitake's arm.
Ichigo didn't come out.
Tatsuki glared at Cat, who drew closer to Ukitake in response. Finally the strawberry dragged his feet onstage, obviously upset by the days early turn out. Without hesitation, she slammed him against the floor, causing an earthquake like vibration to shake the studio. Showing no sign of remorse, she grabbed him by the arm and flung him in the air.
His body flew threw into the air, as if he were a rag doll. When he landed on the steps up to the stage from the ground, she jumped him again. This time she pulled out a baseball bat. Drawing it into the air, she smirked before saying, "This one's for Orihime." With that, she brought it down on his head.
"Good thing he has plot armor." Cat noted from her spot behind Ukitake. They both watched a very confused Tatsuki try and beat her baseball bat against Ichigo's head. Each time it bounced off, leaving the male protagonist without a scratch.
"Indeed," Ukitake agreed. "As for Soifon going into the closet with them…" He left off.
"It didn't go over well." Cat finished for him, both not looking like they wanted to talk about it.
Suddenly, Cat smiled. "We can do the next dare." She told Ukitake happily. Smiling back at her, he reached his hand out to the child-like teen, stroking her hair. She blushed slightly, but looked content with the position they were.
Much to her dismay, Ukitake pulled away after a few strokes and called Yamamoto out.
"That razor won't work." He informed Cat once onstage. Staring at the razor in her hand, she looked back at him. Shrugging, she brought it to his face, and tried to shave his beard. "Huh?" She asked when the razor was engulfed in flames.
She looked at the ashes on the floor, then to Yamamoto. "It has a mind of its own. I've been trying to shave it for the last couple centuries, but it always has the same results. It's unstoppable."
Exchanging a look with Ukitake, she knew it was hopeless. "The beard will never be shaved." With that, she pulled out the last dare. "Submitted by ReaperShizuka: Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, and Szayel must dress in booty shorts and bikinis and dance around Aizen to Madonna's Like A Virgin. Then Ichigo must cosplay as Strawberry-"
"I refuse." Ichigo deadpanned from his spot on the steps, still being assaulted by Tatsuki.
Cat sighed, "One day, one day I will make you… As for Ulquiorra and Grimmjow, they wont be able to join us, so it'll just be Szayel." With that, said Espada emerges onstage, wearing booty shorts and a biking top. Aizen followed him.
"Cue the music!"
I made it through the wilderness, Somehow I made it through.
Szayel danced wildly around Aizen, enjoying the dare far to much.
Didn't know how lost I was, until I found you. I was beat incomplete. I'd been had. I was sad and blue, but you made me feel, Yeah, you made me feel shiny and new. Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.
Cat leaned over and whispered to Ukitake, "This is really weird isn't it? We should probably stop it soon."
Like a virgin, when your heart beats next to mine. Gonna give you all my love, boy.
"Agreed." He replied, going to turn the music off.
My fear is fading fast…
The music faded and Szayel slouched over in depression. Aizen let out a breath of relief, promptly walking off stage. Szayel followed him off.
-. . . .After Cleaning Up The Mess Left By Tatsuki. . . .-
Cat smiled mischieviously as she read the next dare. "Something you like?" Ukitake asked innocently.
"Not particularly but it looks like it'll be a lot of fun."
Glaring at her and the card she was holding, Ichigo tapped his foot impatiently. "Are ya' gonna read it anytime soon?"
"For a second there, I thought I'd be nice," Cat began, returning his glare, "but because of that little outburst, I'm going to do it the mean way." Ichigo immediately paled.
"Next dare is by Agent Yaoi: Please-" Ukitake was cut off by Cat.
"You know what Jushiro? We'll just hold off on reading this dare. Instead, I've decided to bring in some helpers for this portion." Cat winked at Ichigo, who started to back away.
Sadly, fate was not on his side today. "Where are you going Ichigo?" The object that he had run into asked. Ichigo slowly turned his head up to see Shunsui and Rangiku smiling at him.
They each grabbed one of his arms as he tried to bolt away from the Lieutenant and Captain. "No! You can't do this!" He cried in horror.
"You don't even know what we're going to do."
Ichigo scowled. "If it's anything to do with you, Cat, then I know it's not good."
Shrugging, Cat walked over to the curtain, where Gin was trying to 'escort' an angry 6th Espada onto stage.
"What the Fu-"
"Hey!" Cat yelled at him. "No F-words."
"But you-"
"I know I said the F-word last time, but that was because I was translating for Nnoitra."
"How did you-"
"How did I know what you were going to say?" Cat finished for him. "I'm the author, I know everything."
Grimmjow stopped struggling against the former Captain as he stared awestruck at Cat.
After much fighting from Ichigo, the two men were placed inches across from each other. None of the three holding onto them loosened their grip.
Pulling out a phone, Cat typed in some numbers before putting it up to her ear. "Hey, Urahara! Yeah, it's Cat. Mhm. As soon as possible would be nice! Thanks!" She grinned hanging up the phone. "Things just got interesting."
-. . . .5 Minutes Later. . . .-
"Urahara!" Cat cried happily, as said man skipped onto stage. Literally, he was skipping with joy.
He skipped over to Ichigo and Grimmjow, hooking something akin to a collar on their necks. "Hey!" They protested, but to no avail. Their captors had a firm grip on them.
"How long will it take to take effect." Cat asked the blonde shop keeper. He, however, paid her no heed.
"Yoruichi told me I would never get to use these things, but she was wrong! She told me it was a waste of my time to make them! But look who's laughing now, Yourichi!"
Ukitake frowned at him. "Urahara?"
"Uh, sorry..." He apologized sheepishly. He turned to walk off stage, most likely going to rub his creations use in the cat-woman's face. "Oh," he said glancing back at Cat, "it takes immediate effect."
"You heard the man! Thanks you three, but you can release the idiots now."
On cue, the three let go. As soon as Ichigo was free, he started running. "Wait, what?" He shouted in anger when he noticed his body wasn't listening. Noticing the reaction on Grimmjow's face, the same was happening to him too.
"To answer the question I'm sure you have, I shall let my stunningly handsome assistant explain."
Taking that as his turn to speak, Ukitake awkwardly cleared his throat. "The devices that Urahara put around your necks do two things: prohibits any movements, and whatever position you get put in, you won't be able to get out of for the next hour."
Both men were frozen with fear.
"Now, to the-"
"Itsygo~!" Adult Nel cried, running towards Ichigo, now in her normal body. Going to hug him from behind, Nel bumped him with her large 'assets'. This caused him to collide into Grimmjow. Everyone froze, unsure of what to do.
"Why are Ichigo and Grimmjow kissing?" Nel asked confused.
"This isn't the way I had planned it." Cat said slowly. "But looks like it'll work."
Cat smiled at the camera. "JC, I'm not doing your dare. Submit something less creepy next time. As for OnepieceX3, you shall be my guest host next chapter, surprise! Your dares will be carried out then. A special thanks to all who reviewed, and a quick side note: I think I put a lot of effort into your dares, so it takes a while to do. As such, I am putting a dare cap on, 5 dares per person. And no more anonymous dare reviews. You may review telling me how much you love or hate it anonymously, but I will not accept anymore dares in anonymous reviews. Nothing against you guys, I just don't want one person leaving 10 different reviews of dares anonymously as five different people." Cat took a breath of air. "Join us next time for-"
"Bleach Dares~!" Jushiro finished with her.
-. . . .On Patrol. . . .-
Starrk had hoped that Cat would have let him and Ulquiorra stop their 'patrolling' after her and Ukitake finished reading the dares. He had no such luck.
"Why did she make us come in here anyway?" He complained. Sleep. He'd much rather be sleeping than doing this nonsense. Lillynette could have taken his place. He sighed. It was a hopeless cause.
As Starrk and Ulquiorra approached the stage, they noticed a laughing Grimmjow, or what appeared to resemble him anyway. They assumed that this is what Cat meant when she said 'The Joker'. "Why are you laughing, trash?" Ulquiorra questioned the jester.
"I'm beginnin' to enjoy this stupid dare." Grimmjow chuckled to himself. "If ya wanna know why I'm laughin', then I'll show ya." Without hesitation, he pulled a rope that was, conveniently, dangling beside him. As he pulled the rope, the red curtains on stage were raised. Starrk and Ulquiorra froze. Orihime- dressed in a ridiculously revealing, dominatrix-esque cat costume- was suspended over a glass tank that held hundreds of hungry piranhas.
"Holy Catwoman!" Starrk gasped; his Robin personality showing. Noticing the two heroes, Orihime waved vigorously at them. "Hi Ulquiorra! Hi Starrk!" Ulquiorra sighed, "The Onna does not understand self-preservation." Starrk nodded in agreement with the Cuatro Espada.
"If I pull this rope again," Grimmjow ran his hand along it, instantly drawing the heroes attention to it, "she'll fall in the water. Ya kno' what happens then." He smirked. Without any words, Ulquiorra walked towards the stage. "Come any closer, and I'll pull it!" Grimmjow threatened before smiling again. 'Batman' stopped walking, carefully thinking over his next move.
"Why so serious?" Grimmjow maliciously asked the bat. Ulquiorra stared at Grimmjow blankly. Whereas, Starrk looked extremely confused. "...Cat made me say it." Grimmjow stated awkwardly. "I feel your pain." Starrk sighed. Ignoring the aforementioned remarks, Ulquiorra took a step closer to Grimmjow. Without hesitation, he tugged on the rope. "Told ya I'd pull it." He stated smugly. Before Grimmjow could react, Ulquiorra sonido'd over to the tank, catching Orihime before a drop of water splashed onto her clothing.
"Go to the Primera, Onna." Ulquiorra ordered, while placing her down. She smiled. "Okay Ulquiorra. Have fun!" She promptly walked towards Starrk, allowing Ulquiorra to turn his attention back to the jester.
"How the hell did ya do that?" Grimmjow demanded. 'Batman' said nothing as he raised his hand, shooting his cero at the wannabe panther.
Starrk looked down at Orihime. "All that for a human? Some things I will never understand..." He muttered, while shaking his head. Now that the 'danger' was over, Starrk thought he'd be able to leave and sleep. Walking out the door, he was jumped by a familiar figure. "Oi, Starrk!" Lillynette yelled at the man underneath her. "Why are you still wearing that crap outfit? You're a pathetic excuse for a Primera Espada!" Starrk covered her mouth before slinging her over his shoulder.
"How cute!" Orihime cooed as she watched the spectacle, a hint of sadness in her voice.
"Onna, what is wrong?"
"Ulquiorra! I didn't see you there!" She giggled, trying to cover up her previous remark.
"Onna." Orihime's heart fluttered at the firmness of his voice. Blushing, she turned her back to him. "I-it's just that, when I see brotherly-sisterly r-relationships, like Starrk and L-lillynette... I-I think of Sora." She paused, memories of her brother filling her mind.
"Come Onna." Ulquiorra said walking in front of her. "I'll take you to your room."
"O-okay!" Orihime agreed, running to catch up with him.
Up above the stage, two figures watched all of the evenings events unfold. "I told you my plan would work, Jushiro!" Cat cried in pure joy. Ukitake gave her a questioning look. "What plan was that?"
"My super-awesome-cute plan to give Ulquiorra and Orihime some alone time." She replied, in a 'duh' tone. "Ah" he replied, not wanting to point out the fact that it was their reviewers idea, not hers. "But I am curious about one thing."
"Hm?"
"Why did you let Grimmjow put Orihime over a tank of piranhas?" Especially when you love her so much?" He questioned. She smiled. "Simple Jushiro, my love, piranha's are harmless creatures. Therefore, even if Ulquiorra didn't catch her, she would still be perfectly safe."
"Ahh, brilliant Catherine-san!" Ukitake smiled back at her.
-. . . . Elsewhere. . . . .-
The green-haired man splashed his face with water. He sneered into the mirror, "This will not be the last they see of the Joker." The make up on his face dripped down. Black, white and red running down the porcelain sink. "They'll pay. They'll all pay."