Fathers and Sons

"Welcome to Elf-in-the-Box," Haldir droned into his microphone. "Can I take your order?"

"Yeah, I'd like to order a nice tall glass of payback, along with a side order of serves-you-right," said a voice.

"Celeborn?" said Haldir, looking at the speaker in surprise. "Since when do you come here to order? And what happened to you?"

Celeborn was no longer wearing the fake beard Cirdan had given him, and for some strange reason he was wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase. "I'm tired of getting bossed around by my wife, so I quit. I'm going to a job interview for a real job."

Haldir raised a condescending eyebrow. "Is this really necessary? Galadriel has probably forgiven you by now."

"I doubt it. She's cheating on me, remember?"

"Actually she isn't. She and Gimli have formed a club to appreciate their favorite author."

Celeborn laughed bitterly. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. I refuse to believe your lies, Haldir."

"I happen to be telling the truth, but suit yourself," said Haldir. "Now step out of the way so that other customers can order."

Celeborn stepped aside and walked out the door, his head held haughtily in the air, and Haldir went back to his microphone. "Welcome to Elf-in-the— Oh no. How many times have I told you that you're banned? Remember what happened last time you were here?"

"I'm really sorry," Aragorn whispered, glancing nervously over his shoulder. "But I'm not here to order any food. I need to hide and this is the best place I could think of."

"And why exactly would you need to hide? Did someone threaten you with soap and water?"

"No, it's even worse than that. I think Thorongil wants to seriously hurt me."

Haldir resisted the urge to bash his head against the cash register. "Aragorn, you are Thorongil. I thought you went to a therapist to have this corrected."

"I did, but then I smoked all the medical pipe-weed Gandalf gave me. I should have shared some of it with Thorongil, otherwise he wouldn't be so bent on my destruction."

"Hey, what's the hold-up?" said an irritable dwarf waiting in line behind Aragorn. "I want my lembas and ketchup!"

"Haldir, just do me this one favor," Aragorn hissed. "I swear I'll use a little soap next time I come in, all right?"

"Fine," said Haldir. Fearing an angry dwarf riot, he quickly hid Aragorn in the kitchen and resumed his order-taking duties, wishing Galadriel hadn't decided to take an hour-long break. The last thing they needed was an unwashed, personality-confused man in their kitchen during the workday.

The Neighborhood Tree Rescue Party, so named by Legolas, marched through the neighborhood Legolas lived in with the intent of thwarting Thranduil's evil, drunken plans. "There he is!" Legolas cried, pointing at an elf wielding a giant saw.

Thranduil wore his usual green bathrobe and crown made out of leaves, and a few empty wine bottles were scattered around the largest tree in the neighborhood. "I don't want anyone, you see. When I think about you I cut this tree!" Thranduil sang.

"I'm pretty sure that's not how that song goes," said Pippin.

"There's a real mental case and no mistake," Sam muttered.

"Halt!" Faramir ordered, stepping towards Thranduil. "We cannot allow you to cut down that tree."

Confused, Thranduil stared blearily at the group until his eyes settled on Legolas. "Legoboy!" he cried happily. "Are you finally ready to let loose and learn to party it up with your old man? I see you brought some friends to help us get down and boogie."

"No, Dad," said Legolas. "I don't want to party it up and I never will. Get away from that tree!"

"What tree?" said Thranduil. "Son, you're not looking at a tree. You're looking at the future home of Thranduil's Drive-Through Coffee House!"

Pippin realized that this conversation was going nowhere and decided to use his persuasive car salesman charm. "Why hello there, fine sir," he said, winking up at Thranduil. "An intelligent elf like yourself ought to know that this tree is the wrong place to build. I can offer you up some much better sites."

"What's wrong with this spot?" asked Thranduil.

"It's, uh... well, it's haunted. By coffee-hating spirits."

Legolas smacked himself in the forehead. "Now you've done it, Pippin."

"Is that so?" said Thranduil. "Well in that case, these spirit dudes are going down, like a sinking ship, brother. Legoboy, care to sing your pops an inspirational tree-cutting song so he can get down to business?"

"Why would I know a tree-cutting song?" Legolas demanded. "I'm the president of the Treehugger's Club. You don't know anything about me, Dad!"

"Guys, can't we all just get along?" said Faramir. "Thranduil, can't you respect your son's wishes and find someplace else to build?"

"Look, bro, I've got Lego's best interests at heart," said Thranduil. "I know what's best for that groovy son of mine, and what he needs is the smell of freshly brewed coffee as he strolls through the neighborhood. Am I right?"

"Well, there's only one way I can solve this problem," said Legolas.

"What is it?" asked Sam.

Legolas flashed a determined grin. "I'm going to have to live in that tree."

"Hey Dad, I sold another sports car today," Boromir announced as he entered his father's office at Gondorian Motors. "Dad? Did you hear me?"

"Not now," Denethor muttered. "I'm busy."

Boromir found that hard to believe, since Denethor didn't appear to be doing anything at all. He merely sat behind his desk with his hands in his lap and his head bowed, and... "Wait a minute." Boromir approached Denethor and pulled him away from the desk so he could see what was in his lap. "Dad! Are you texting?"

"So what if I am, favorite son of mine?" said Denethor, continuing to push the buttons on his cell phone at a rapid pace.

"I didn't know you had a social life. Who on earth could you possibly be texting with?"

Denethor scowled and immediately shoved the phone into his pocket. "As much as I favor you over your pathetic brother, that is definitely none of your business. Now run along like a good son and sell more cars!"

Casting one last worried glance at his father, Boromir left the office and Denethor pulled his phone back out with a sigh of relief.

work sux, he texted.

sry man, replied Sauron, a friend Denethor had met online recently. set it on fire?

i tried that. stoopid 2nd son hid da matches omg.

then set HIM on fire lol.

haha good idea.

Denethor chuckled as he sent his text. Sauron was filled with great ideas for torturing Faramir and his suggestions had Denethor laughing for hours on end. "Oh, buddy of mine," Denethor murmured to his cell phone. "What would I do without you?"

"Hey, boss," said Pippin, bursting into the office unannounced.

Denethor quickly hid his cell phone again. "Peregrin Took, didn't anyone teach you how to knock? What do you want?"

"Well..." Pippin mustered up all of his hobbit charm and looked at Denethor with big eyes. "After all the hard, back-breaking work I've done around here, I think I deserve a raise. Don't you agree?"

"No," said Denethor.

"But beer and pipe-weed doesn't pay for itself!"

"No."

"I'm the best thing that's ever happened to this place!"

"No."

"My uncle's cousin's nephew's aunt's brother three times removed on my father's side is a lawyer, and he'll sue the pants off you!"

"Your threats do not frighten me, Peregrin. But there is a way you can earn a higher salary."

"How?" Pippin asked eagerly.

Denethor learned towards Pippin conspiratorially. "I want you to bring me... a McDeagol's burger."

Pippin blinked. "That's it?"

"Did I request anything else, Peregrin Took? No! Now get a move on!"

Terrified of being lit on fire, or worse, Pippin hurried out of Denethor's office and caught a bus to McDeagol's, a burger chain that was almost as popular as Elf-in-the-Box, though personally Pippin preferred Elf-in-the-Box's free drink refills. The bus was so crowded he was forced to sit next a heavily bearded dwarf who looked like he could eat Pippin alive if he wanted to.

"Uh, hi," Pippin muttered. "Nice day today."

The dwarf grunted at him.

"Excuse me?" a hand tapped Pippin on the shoulder, and when Pippin turned around he found a female elf in the seat behind him. "Oh. Never mind," she said. "For a moment I thought you might be Frodo Baggins. I've always wanted to meet him!"

Pippin grinned at her. "Well I happen to be his charming cousin. Pippin Took, classy car salesman at your service."

The elf wore two badges on her shirt, one that said "FBFC" and another that said "Support Frodo Baggins," and her face lit up with delight. "Are you really? Do you think you could get me his autograph?"

"No problem."

"Great! I'm Arwen, by the way." Arwen wrote down her phone number and address for Pippin so he could contact her as soon as he got the autograph. "Tell Mr. Baggins that I'm his biggest fan, will you?"

"Sure thing." Pippin smirked to himself. He had successfully gotten an elf woman's phone number, just because he was related to Frodo. The day wasn't so bad after all.

Pippin cheerfully waved farewell to Arwen when the bus reached his stop, and to make his good fortune even better, he found that he didn't have to wait in line at McDeagol's. Gollum's cousin Deagol, who managed the restaurant, smiled creepily at Pippin and took his order.

And that's when Pippin's luck ran out. "Son of a mushroom!" he cried. "I don't have enough money to pay for that burger! This is why I need a raise."

"Well then no burger for you," Deagol said smugly.

"Can't we make a deal here? I can pay you back later?"

"I don't think so. Payment now, or no burger."

"Um, it's my birthday?" Pippin tried. "And I want it?"

Deagol glared at him. "I don't fall for that excuse."

"What if I told you I'm starving on the street and haven't eaten in three days? Would you give it to me then?"

"Nope," Deagol said stubbornly. "No begging allowed."

The hobbit girl working the cash register next to Deagol heaved a sigh. "I'll pay for his burger." The nametag on her shirt said "Diamond" and she pulled out her wallet to find the necessary money to complete Pippin's purchase.

"Wow, thanks!" said Pippin.

Diamond shrugged. "You're holding up the line."

"Yeah, get out of here," said Deagol, shaking his fist at Pippin.

Pippin hurried out of the restaurant, clutching the bag containing Denethor's burger, and caught a bus back to Gondorian Motors. He had a feeling he would be eating at McDeagol's quite often in the near future, and it wasn't because of Deagol.