A Long-expected Veggie Party

Saturday arrived and Faramir had enough baby-sitting money to hold his fruits and veggies party at long last. Luckily his father had to go to some car dealership convention (though he looked awfully shifty and clutched his cell phone tightly to his chest every time Faramir glanced at him) so with Boromir's help he set up tables, chairs, and enough vegetarian food to feed a whole colony of rabbits for a month. Or a whole family of hobbits for an afternoon. As Faramir was arranging a particularly lovely strawberry display, he went over his mental list of party guests.

Pippin would automatically attend any event that offered free food, or any food in general, and he promised to bring Merry and Sam, who might convince Frodo to show up. Legolas had originally planned to come, but he was currently living in a tree and refused to come down. Fortunately the elves would be represented by Haldir, who heard about the party when Faramir stopped into Elf-in-the-Box for some lembas bread, and Beregond next door said he was interested.

And of course Faramir couldn't forget the most important guests of all: the ones his brother had invited.

"You're sure you convinced Eomer and Eowyn to come?" he asked Boromir for the fifth time. "And you gave them the correct date and time?"

"Faramir, you've asked me that five times now," said Boromir. "Yeah, I did exactly as you asked me to, okay? And try not to be obvious when you flirt with Eowyn. Her brother might kill you."

But Faramir was too lightheaded with excitement to worry about murderous brothers. In about twenty minutes his guests would start arriving and he would finally get a chance to prove himself worthy to his lovely lady!

"Hey, have you been able to get a hold of Dad at all?" Boromir asked, interrupting Faramir's thoughts. "I've been calling him on his cell phone all day, but he hasn't responded."

"Why would I try to call Dad?" asked Faramir. "I wouldn't be surprised if he's blocked my number."

"He's been texting an awful lot lately. Don't you find that suspicious?"

"Compared to all the times he's sat in front of the TV muttering to himself, looked at the neighbors' pets with a hungry gleam in his eye, and walked around with a box of matches in his hands, caressing it like it was a beloved kitten? No, not really."

"You have a point, little brother," said Boromir.

"Are you sure you convinced Eomer and Eowyn to come to my party?" Faramir asked yet again, forgetting all about the conversation concerning his father.

Boromir sighed. "For the last time, Faramir, yes. I lied and told them it's the best party on the block, so you're going to have some explaining to do when they get here, but I'm sure you'll figure something out, right?"

"Right," said Faramir, though he suddenly felt more insecure than ever.

"Sam?" Frodo asked, looking even paler than usual. "You haven't happened to see any... elves dressed in dark suits lingering around, have you?"

Sam looked dumbfounded. "Of course not, Mr. Frodo. Am I supposed to see any of them elves anywhere?"

"No!" Frodo said quickly. "Forget it, Sam." He hadn't seen any sign of Elrond or any other members of the dreaded Elvish Mafia, but suspicious e-mails had been appearing in his inbox from unfamiliar addresses, threatening to hold his mushrooms and tea hostage if he informed the authorities.

"Are you sure you're up to goin' to Mr. Faramir's party?" Sam asked. "You've got dark circles under your eyes."

"I'm fine, Sam," Frodo said hollowly. "Attending this party is the only way I can find any peace." He only had a few pages of his novel left to write, but that didn't mean that the Elvish Mafia wouldn't come and whack him anyway, simply for taking so long to finish the book. A party in a public place, with plenty of people, was the only way to protect himself.

"It's that books of yours that's got you all paranoid," Sam said worriedly. "Haven't I told you time and again to take a break from writing, Mr. Frodo? Maybe go on a trip somewhere and— Mr. Frodo?"

Frodo had developed a strange gleam in his eyes and he clutched at the stack of papers sitting on his desk. "The book is mine!" he declared.

"He's gone and claimed it for himself!" Sam said in dismay. "Now that ol' editor will never see it."

"Mine, mine alone!" Frodo hissed at his manuscript. "My precious, precious book. But no," he murmured, beginning to look more like his old self. "No, I must publish it. Publish it once and for all!"

"That's it, Mr. Frodo," said Sam. "You've got to give it up. Can't you see how it's eatin' away at you?"

"I will take it," Frodo said, sounding stronger. "I will take the book to my editor! Though I do not know the way to end this chapter."

"That's the spirit, Mr. Frodo," said Sam. "Come on, let's get you ready for that party."

Pippin walked through the parking lot of McDeagol's and checked his reflection in the window of a car. "Not too bad, Pip my man," he murmured to himself. "Not too bad. Go get 'em, tiger!"

Working at Gondorian Motors had taught Pippin to be very persuasive, and as he walked through the doors of McDeagol's he pretended that this was just another car sale, and that Diamond was just another customer. Lucky for him, Deagol was nowhere in sight and Pippin strolled right up to Diamond, who stood boredly behind the hobbit-sized counter operating the cash register.

"Why hello there, pretty lady," said Pippin. He used that same exact line on an elf woman last week and successfully sold her a car that way. "Can I interest you in the offer of a lifetime?"

Diamond looked up from the register and frowned at Pippin. "Would you like to order something?"

"I'd like to order a few minutes of time with your lovely self. What do you say?"

"Sir, I'm going to call security if you don't behave," Diamond warned.

"You're right, I'm being rude," said Pippin. "I forgot to introduce myself! The name's Took, Peregrin Took, but you can call me Pippin."

Diamond looked unimpressed. "Either order something or leave, please."

"Wait!" Pippin said quickly. "Listen, there's this party my friend is having and he said I could invite anyone I wanted, so it would really make my day if you went with me. Please?"

"I'm working right now."

"Take a lunch break."

"I did already."

"Take another lunch break," Pippin suggested.

Diamond glared at him. "Mr. Took, please leave this restaurant."

"But can't you just—"

"SECURITY!"

Pippin's courage vanished entirely and he finally backed out of the restaurant, though as he walked out the door he had the nerve to shout, "This isn't over!" at Diamond.

He would just have to try a different angle next time.

"Are they here yet?" Faramir asked Boromir for the tenth time. "What if she thinks my outfit looks stupid? What if she's allergic to any of the food I put out? Oh no, Dad was right when he said I would be alone for the rest of my life!"

"Get a hold of yourself, bro," said Boromir. The two of them were currently in the house, waiting for the party guests to arrive, and Boromir was pretty sure he would scream with manly rage if Faramir asked one more repetitive question. "Just calm down and chew some carrot sticks or something."

Suddenly the doorbell rang and Faramir cast a nervous glance at Boromir. "What if it's Eowyn? What should I do?"

"Answer the door, obviously."

"That's a great idea." Faramir quickly fixed his hair and opened the door, then spent a good five seconds staring at the person standing outside. "Aragorn, is that you?"

"Of course it's me," said Aragorn. "I heard there's a party going on."

"But... but you're clean! I hardly recognized you!"

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Haldir thinks it's a huge improvement but Arwen keeps saying she misses the unwashed rugged look."

"Trust me, it's a good thing," said Faramir. "You've helped purify the environment. If you step out into the backyard Boromir will show you to the refreshment tables."

The next ten minutes were pure agony. After Aragorn arrived, Pippin showed up with Merry looking oddly dejected, Sam showed up with Frodo and a kit full of stress medication, and Haldir showed up with Beregond right behind him. At this point Faramir was so uneasy he completely forgot every line of the poem he had memorized especially for Eowyn, and he nearly gave up hope when a loud knock sounded at the door, making him jump with surprise.

Only one person would knock in such a thunderous manner. Faramir eagerly pulled the door open and found himself facing Eomer, who glowered at him. "Sir, I'm going to need to see some ID!" Eomer barked.

Faramir blinked. "Um."

"Wait, wrong line. I mean, hey buddy. Nice party you've got here." Eomer slapped Faramir on the back, almost knocking him over, and headed for the backyard.

"Hi, Faramir," said Eowyn. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Parting is such sweet sorrow," said Faramir. "You look enchanting, fair lady. More graceful and stunning than the finest elf maiden."

Eowyn laughed. "You always amuse me with your strange compliments."

"I intend not to amuse, but to woo your beautiful self."

"There you go again. You ought to be a stand-up comedian or something."

Faramir's heart sank because Eowyn still didn't understand his intentions, but he supposed it wasn't so bad that she found him funny. "Let me escort you to the party," he said, holding out his arm.

Eowyn took it, and the moment her hand made contact with his arm Faramir nearly had a heart attack. She was actually touching him! It was the greatest moment of his entire life.

Meanwhile Boromir stood by one of the food tables and cast a worried look at Pippin, who had barely eaten anything since he arrived. "Hey, Pippin, are you sick or something? Normally you would have eaten half the party by now."

Pippin sighed. "I'm kind of depressed."

"Well that's not like you at all. Dad didn't make any weird threats to you at work, did he?"

"No, it's not that," Pippin said forlornly.

"Then what is it?" asked Boromir. "You're starting to scare me here, buddy."

Merry, who stood nearby swapping police stories with Eomer, somehow managed to overhear their conversation. "Pip's having lady trouble," he informed Boromir.

"Oh no," Boromir groaned, looking at Pippin. "You're turning into Faramir!"

"Thanks a lot, Merry," said Pippin.

"Just trying to help out, cuz."

"Girls are more trouble than they're worth, Pippin," Boromir said wisely. "Why else would I be single all this time? Here, have some mushrooms!"

Pippin cheered up pretty quickly after that.

"Mr. Frodo, have you tried the strawberries?" Sam asked. "They do a fine job of calming you and all. What about your nerves? Are all them people makin' you ill at ease? Do you need to go inside for a bit? Do you need your stress medication?"

"I'm all right," said Frodo. He was pale as usual, but his eyes roved brightly across the party guests. It was the first party he had attended in... years, probably, and he was actually enjoying himself. "I'm very ill, Sam," he remarked.

"You've been through a lot, Mr. Frodo."

"You're right. There was that time I was walking home at night and some lunatic dressed in black stabbed me and stole my wallet, for starters. And then there was the time that spider bit me and it got infected. And the time I visited the petting zoo and Gollum bit my finger off. Not to mention all the times my editor has frightened me."

"Those lousy villains," Sam muttered.

"Yes, well, I'm tired of being ill all the time. I need to take control of my life, Sam!"

"How do you expect to do that, Mr. Frodo?"

Frodo smiled for the first time in days. "I'm going to take a break from writing."

Sam's eyes widened with shock, then he cried tears of relief.

"Care to donate to the Bird Lover's Society?" asked a wizard dressed in brown who had randomly wandered into the yard.

"Hey!" Eomer yelled. "I demand to see some ID!"

"Relax, that's just Radagast," said Faramir. "He lives down the street."

Radagast, the brown-clad wizard, started passing out fliers to the party guests. "Save the giant eagles!" he cried. "They're becoming an endangered species!"

"Let's hope this guy never meets Legolas," Haldir remarked.

"The day that happens will be a dark day indeed," said Aragorn.

"Radagast, why don't you go home and take your medicine?" Faramir said gently. "I'm sure the giant eagles will be fine."

Radagast stuffed some apples and bananas into his pockets when no one was looking, then headed into the street so he could tape his fliers onto tree trunks and telephone poles. The party went smoothly for about ten minutes, until Eomer found out that Pippin had eaten all the peaches and swore to massacre him, but all in all Faramir decided that things had gone right for once in his life.

Author's Note: Bonus points if you spot the Shakespeare quote!