The Taming of Bombadil

"Thanks for letting me stay with you, buddy," Celeborn said after taking a swig of elven wine. "I've had enough of that overbearing wife of mine, thinking that she's better than me. She may be manager of that stupid lembas restaurant, but she isn't the boss of me, I can tell you that right now."

"Right on, bro," said Thranduil. He was lounging around his house in his green bathrobe, with a crown of berries perched crookedly upon his head. "Who needs wives, anyway? Ever since the woman left me and Legoboy, I've been partying harder than I did when I was a bachelor. These days I feel a thousand years younger! There's only one problem with this afternoon we're having, Celeborn my man."

"What's wrong?"

Thranduil popped open another bottle of wine. "I'm not drunk enough!"

Four glasses of wine later, Celeborn was starting to forget that he had any marriage problems in the first place. "I love you, man," he slurred. "Did I ever tell you that you're the best elf a friend could ask for? Because you're the best elf a friend could ask for." Tears began to well up in his eyes. "Could you put some more glass in my wine, best buddy? Oh man, you are the best."

Thranduil patted Celeborn on the shoulder. "There, there, C-Man. I know I'm awesome. That's why I've got such a sweet groove at all hours of the day and night. It's a good thing the Legoboy hasn't been here the last few days. I think he's been at a sleepover, or planting flowers or something. Anyway, I know just the thing to put the spring back in your step, oh brother from another mother!"

Celeborn gulped at his wine and didn't notice that tears had fallen into his glass. "What is it?"

"Only the most cool-tastic, awesome-tacular album to hit the shelves, baby. The oh-so-groovy Nature Funk Beats by the one-and-only Thranny-D!"

Thranduil pranced over to his CD collection, which housed a spectacular collection of albums such as Death! by the band Riders of Rohan, The Road Goes Ever On and On by Bilbo Baggins (during his youth, of course, when he had once been a dashing young hobbit of many talents), and the soundtrack to the popular musical The Barrow-Wight of the Opera. After blinking drunkenly at his CDs for about five minutes, Thranduil finally found his copy of Nature Funk Beats and popped it into the stereo.

"All right, man!" said Thranduil. "It's boogie time, so shake it till you pass out!"

Personally Celeborn thought that Nature Funk Beats was a terrible excuse for an album, but he was too intoxicated to be bothered much by the bad music and did as Thranduil said. It sure beat getting glared at by his wife, that was for sure.

"Awww yeah," Thranduil said as he thrust his hips to the music. "This is my favorite track, 'Greenwood Get Down.' Legoboy hates it, but I know there's secretly a groovy elf hidden deep down inside him. He just needs to hear the right beat in order to unleash his hip side, am I right, C-Man?"

Celeborn tripped over the coffee table and passed out.

"Such a beautiful day. The sun's in the sky! Not a cloud to be seen. Why, I wish I could fly!"

Eomer and Eowyn exchanged uneasy looks as Tom Bombadil sang this jaunty rhyme. It was true that it was a beautiful day, perfect conditions for Legolas' nature hike, and Legolas tried to get the small group organized as Sam and Faramir arrived on the scene. The "hike" actually consisted of trekking across some grassy hills, but there was all sorts of plant life that was just begging to be appreciated, according to Legolas. "Trees have feelings too, you guys," he explained. "They need to be acknowledged!"

"So do horses," Eowyn added. Eomer nodded vigorously.

"Right, the horses!" Faramir quickly agreed. "They're, uh, my favorite animals in the whole world. They've proved to be incredibly useful throughout the course of history and there is all sorts of literature that praises the noble steed and—"

"What fun it is to go on a hike! Much better than swimming or riding a bike!" Bombadil interrupted, prancing about in his yellow boots.

"Is he going to do that all day?" Eomer demanded.

"I was going to bring ear plugs, Mr. Eomer," Sam said sheepishly. "But poor Mr. Frodo thought they were his pills and swallowed them on accident. He was in a right state yesterday and no mistake, and all the beggin' and pleadin' and bribery of mushrooms couldn't get him to tell me what's wrong."

"Baggins is going mad, it's as plain as your face. Lock him up in a home, a nice padded-wall place!" Bombadil sang unhelpfully.

"Now you keep your mouth shut about Mr. Frodo!" Sam yelled. "You don't know nothin', you hear me? You don't know nothin'!"

Sam was ready to tackle Bombadil and rip him limb from limb, bright blue jacket and yellow boots included, but Legolas held him back. "No, no, Sam. We don't fight on a beautiful day like this one. We're gathered here to appreciate the natural beauty around us, and if you all donate five dollars you can contribute to the Plant a Sapling Fund! All proceeds go towards planting young trees in order to beautify our fine city. Now let's get moving!"

Legolas led the group towards the first hill, basking in the wonderful green glow of nature. He hadn't checked on his father in a while, since he had been too busy orchestrating tree rights movements, and he dearly hoped that Thranduil hadn't gotten dangerously drunk and set the living room curtains on fire. Again. Or ran through the neighborhood in just his bathrobe, without any pants on. Again. Or called up the local pizza parlor to sing a lengthy, drawn-out love ballad to them. Again. Or harassed the dwarves who lived down the street by threatening to chop off their beards. Again. Or—

Legolas wondered if he should put his father into a retirement home for the sake of everyone's sanity. He had heard great things about Rivendell Acres, until Bilbo Baggins escaped, of course.

"See that flower?" Faramir told Eowyn, pointing out a golden flower that grew upon the path. "You could gather a hundred flowers exactly like that one, and they wouldn't be enough to surpass your inextinguishable beauty!"

"Really?" sad Eowyn, looking flattered instead of amused.

Eomer stepped in between them so quickly, he nearly sent Faramir rolling down the hill. "How dare you speak to my sister in such a flirtatious manner! If I was duty right now I would have you tackled to the ground and restrained with manacles, you fiend!"

"Oh, meddling brother! What a terrible pest! Put a sock in your mouth and give them a rest!" Bombadil sang.

Everyone ignored the yellow booted man. Faramir wondered if Eomer could possibly be more terrifying than Denethor, while Eowyn glared at her brother. "Eomer, don't you think you're being a little harsh? Faramir has been nothing but polite ever since I met him, even if his jokes are a bit strange, and besides, he confessed to liking horses! You can't hate a man who says he likes horses."

Eomer glared back. "He's nowhere near as cool as Boromir. Why can't you talk to Boromir instead?"

"Are you and my father secretly best friends or something?" Faramir wondered aloud. "Because you're starting to sound an awful lot like him."

"Whatever," said Eomer, continuing to glower. "Just watch what you say to my sister, you carrot stick loving sissy."

"And over here you'll see a rare specimen of shrub, enjoying the sunshine while it waits for a rain shower to moisturize its roots!" Legolas called out with enthusiasm. "Please refrain from taking pictures. You don't want to startle it."

Bombadil viewed the shrub with his usual good cheer. "What a fine plant you are, a beautiful sight! It's too bad the elf is not very bright!"

Legolas didn't hear him and eagerly pointed out an extra green clump of grass.

"I hereby call this meeting of the Frodo Baggins Admirers Club to order," said Galadriel, striking her mallet upon Gimli's coffee table. "Now rumor has it that our favorite author has recently been out in the sunshine, a rare phenomenon that hasn't occurred for some time."

"It isn't a rumor," Haldir retorted coolly. "I told you, I saw him at Faramir's home with my own eyes. He was eating strawberries with unusual enthusiasm."

"Yes, well we mustn't dwell on Mr. Baggins' personal life. We are here to celebrate his brilliant work, after all. Leave the stalking and unseemly paparazzi to that dratted Fan Club. Now let's take roll."

Upon taking roll Galadriel realized that a dwarf was missing from their number. "Where's Gloin?"

"Dad received a drunken phone call at four o'clock in the morning," Gimli grumbled. "Some crazy elf threatened to douse his beard with kerosene and light it on fire. And then he threatened to kidnap his pet rock collection and hold it hostage down in his wine cellar. You have no idea how emotional my father gets over his pet rocks!"

"That drunken elf sounds an awful lot like Thranduil," Haldir remarked. "He is a disgrace to elves everywhere." Personally Haldir blamed that out-of-control, treehugging son of his. If Legolas didn't waste all his time running around trying to save the forest, he could find Thranduil a twelve-step program, or a support group, or at least some father-son bonding that would result in less wine consumption.

Haldir ought to rule the world. He would give fantastic advice to the countless idiots running around.

"Thranduil was banned from Elf-in-the-Box over a year ago," said Galadriel. "He jumped on top of one of the tables and began singing praises about our lembas bread. It wouldn't have been so terrible if it wasn't for the fact that he had no pants on. Yes, he is a disgrace to elves everywhere."

"And he's racist!" Gimli growled. "What have the dwarves ever done to him anyway?"

"Aside from breathe loudly?" said Haldir. "Perhaps he just doesn't like beards. They are unsightly."

"Well pointy ears aren't so fetching either! Do you ever have to sharpen them to keep them from growing dull?"

"Break it up, you two," Saruman spoke up. "I came to discuss the heart-touching work of the great Mr. Baggins, not listen to the differences between elves and dwarves. Now who else cried when they got to the end of The Tales That Really Matter? My beard was absolutely saturated with tears when I was finished. It was just so beautiful!"

Haldir had discovered the two hundred and fifty-seventh reason why he was glad he didn't have a beard. It was probably no fun to have a beard soaked in tears. "How unfortunate," he said dryly. "Did you have to wring out the wet mop hanging from your face?"

Saruman didn't get a chance to reply, since Arwen suddenly entered Gimli's living room looking thoroughly depressed. "Grandma, I have the most terrible news," she said. Her eyes were rimmed with red and she hadn't bothered to pull a brush through her hair.

"What's wrong?" Galadriel demanded.

Arwen's voice trembled. "Frodo Baggins stopped writing!"

"He did WHAT?"

"If you look to your right you'll see some beautiful moss growing on that clump of rocks," Legolas announced as he continued to lead the nature hike. "If you get too close you might startle it, so please admire from a distance! And to the left you can find a pair of trees with a very rare type of bark in this area. This is a golden opportunity to see sights you can't find in your backyard, that's for certain."

Sam was the most enthusiastic of the group and gazed upon the sights with wide eyes. "Oh, I do wish Mr. Frodo wasn't so ill and nervous all the time. A view like this would do him some good, I swear on my old Gaffer!"

"Green, green, here and there! Leaves, shrubs, everywhere!" Bombadil sang with his usual musical input.

"Would you do us all a favor and shut that lyrical abomination you call a mouth?" Eomer growled. "I am one step away from finding some duct tape and silencing your trap forever."

"I'll sing all day, I'll sing all night! Try and stop me, I'll put up a fight!"

Eomer responded by shoving Bombadil down the hill they were standing upon. Bombadil went tumbling so hard, one of his yellow boots flew right off, and he feebly tried to keep singing as he rolled down the hill and into a ditch. "Well," said Eomer, feeling satisfied with himself. "Let's get a move on, shall we?"

"Well that beats using ear plugs and no mistake," Sam remarked.

Faramir had edged closer to Eowyn as Bombadil went rolling away, and the moment the yellow-booted man fell in the ditch he took her by the hand, not caring that Eomer was standing just a foot away. "Peace and quiet at last," he murmured, trying not to have a heart attack when Eowyn squeezed his hand just a bit.

"I don't know why I didn't realize it before, but I like you," she said.

Eomer cleared his throat in a menacing manner. "This is not acceptable behavior. In fact, it is downright obscene and I demand that it stop immediately."

Eowyn and Faramir both ignored him.

Legolas appeared completely unaffected by the turmoil of his companions, too distracted by the joys of nature. "Don't forget to donate to the Plant a Sapling Fund at the end!" he reminded everyone. "You'll feel better about yourself if you do!"

Faramir didn't hear a word Legolas said. Eowyn finally said that she liked him, and Eomer could go ahead and glare all he wanted.