Chapter 2

London, England

"Are you nervous?" Dimitri Marick asked his son.

Andrei shook his head, taking a swig of his pint. "No."

They were sitting outside, on a giant patio near Covent Garden, watching the tourists and soaking in the sun.

"You know what a win tomorrow means, right?"

Andrei laughed. "Are you trying to make me nervous?"

Dimitri lit a cigarette and smirked. "I think so...'cause frankly your nerves of steel make me uneasy."

"I would be nervous if I had to ride another horse, but I will be riding Tempus, and me and him, we know each other, like this..." he said twisting his fingers together, before reaching to steal one of his father's cigarettes from the silver case. "I will never be nervous riding him."

As his reputation as a jockey grew, Andrei inevitably had to start riding other horses, and he'd notched an admirable number of wins and decent results on other Marick thoroughbreds. But Tempus Fugit was different. That horse was like a second skin to Andrei. The two of them had the kind of inexplicable connection that other jockeys could only envy.

"A win tomorrow means you'll be racing at the Royal Ascot races."

"Geez...I know, Dad! Stop reminding me!" He lit his cigarette with Dimitri's lighter. "Are you going to be there?"

"Of course. Someone's got to cheer you on."

"With Helen?"

Dimitri's smile was lopsided now and he debated how to answer. "Would that be alright with you?"

Andrei shrugged. "Why not?"

Dimitri eyed him quietly, as he exhaled his cigarette smoke. He knew his son so well now. Knew that Andrei had always loved Alex more than he'd admit. For nearly two years Andrei had been as determined to try and find her as Dimitri had been.

But every time they thought they had a lead, they ended up at a dead-end.

Two years later, with Alex still missing, Dimitri realized he had a choice. He could get on with his life, or he could keep banging his head into a wall. While there was many a morning where the latter had more appeal than the former, Dimitri figured he owed his son more than that.

He hadn't taken him from a miserable orphanage in Romania only to offer him a father who'd turned into a brooding, grieving recluse.

So he'd taken baby steps. He started joining one of his many cousins whenever they went out for dinner in Budapest. He didn't allow himself more than one call every couple of days to the investigators he hired to try and find Alex. He began travelling to London more often. Not just to sit in the stands and watch Andrei race, but to rekindle old business contacts. He even went so far as to try and turn those contacts into friendships.

Dimitri also made another attempt at forging some sort of meaningful relationship with Anton, his biological son. The inroads he made on that front, however, were so small they were barely worth mentioning. At least now, on occasion, Anton picked up the phone when his father called, instead of letting him listen to voicemail. But in the end, no matter how hard Dimitri tried, Anton made it clear that he had no real desire to have his father be a part of his life.

Knowing that he'd already lost one son, made him all too aware that he didn't want to lose Andrei too.

None of it had come easily, and in spite of himself, the last image he saw every night was of the one person he still couldn't get out of his mind. The one person he couldn't let go of.

But lately he felt like things were getting better. Afternoons like this one felt less forced now. They felt good.

A few weeks ago he was introduced to the sister of one of his London friends.

Blond, outgoing and indifferent to anything beyond the things she loved, Helen was the polar opposite of Alex. She didn't know the first thing about horses. Or business. Or politics. And she didn't care to.

Where Alex had been serious and cerebral. Helen was fun. Flirtatious. The life of the party.

She'd managed to make him laugh the very first night they went out for drinks together. And because of it, he couldn't resist asking her out following night too. She wasn't shy about letting him know how much she enjoyed his company and that too felt good.

Dimitri wasn't sure whether it would lead to something more serious. He wasn't convinced Helen even wanted that, but right now being in the company of a woman who made him feel something, no matter how primal those feelings were, felt good too. It felt like climbing another rung on a ladder that he desperately needed to scale.

"You sure you don't mind?"

Andrei smirked. "If she makes you happy, then I am happy. You deserve it."

Dimitri swallowed a sip of wine, enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sunshine on his face. Enjoying the feeling of being a father again.

Only a couple of weeks ago Andrei had asked him whether he thought Alex was still alive.

The question had taken him aback and Dimitri wasn't sure whether he owed Andrei an honest answer or one that he needed to hear.

"I think we have to accept that there's...a chance she may not be."

It hadn't been what Andrei wanted to hear. In fact, he'd stormed out of his room at Ascot that night, telling Dimitri he was giving up too easily.

But deep down, Dimitri knew it was exactly what his son needed to hear. An acknowledgement from his father that it was okay to stop searching. That it was alright to be happy. To enjoy life as much as he clearly wanted to.

It's what Dimitri wanted for him.

Even if he'd answered the question with a lie.

Dimitri didn't believe Alex was dead.

Sure there were angry, bitter moments when he tried to reason to himself that he was wrong. That she had to be gone, because the Alex he knew couldn't possibly be so cruel as to stay away from them all this time unless she was dead. The woman he'd loved wouldn't willingly put them through the kind of agony they'd lived through the last two years.

But even then, during those moments, that was still one rung in the ladder he wasn't ready to climb yet.

In fact, without hard evidence, he wasn't sure it was one he'd ever be ready for.

Not when every instinct told him she wasn't dead.

They sat and chatted some more and Andrei reached for another cigarette from Dimitri's pack.

Dimitri grabbed his lighter before Andrei got to it.

"Didn't you say you were going to quit?"

"They're not mine. It doesn't count."

Dimitri raised his brows. "In that case I give them to you."

Andrei laughed. "You're supposed to quit to before me. That was the deal."

"I've already cheated death once. If some rare prion disease won't kill me, these things definitely won't."

"Maybe..." Andrei emptied his beer glass. "But this time Alex is not here to save your butt."

Dimitri sighed. "Good point." He handed Andrei the lighter. "Alright, we finish these and then that's it? Deal?"

Andrei shrugged and gave his father a sly smile. "How about this...I win tomorrow, we stop. If I don't..." he smirked. "Then we...wait until the next race."

Seaview Hospital, Pine Valley, PA

David picked up the phone and dialled the number a second time. "I know you're there, Levy. Just answer the damn thing."

Answer he did. On the fourth ring.

"Yeah?"

David chuckled. "Am I interrupting?"

"Who is this?"

"Hayward," he shot back.

"The David Hayward? Well, I'll be damned...I haven't seen you in what? Seven years?"

David didn't feel like small talk. "Remember the experiment with Brombeck? When you swore you owed me one? I've decided to take you up on it."

There was silence on the other end and David could hear his ex-colleague breathing.

"Look, Hayward...I know you saved that project. But the kind of research you do...I don't do that anymore. I haven't for a long time."

David bit his tongue. Sometimes his current respectability made him forget that he had a past that was anything but respectable. "Levy...it's nothing like that. There's a researcher I'm trying to get to know better. I want to contact her without her knowing that I'm trying to contact her."

"I don't understand."

"Stem cell research is still your baby isn't it?"

"My 'baby'?" There was no mistaking the indignation in his voice. "In case you haven't heard, I got the Garrett Innovation Grant last year."

David didn't recognize the award, but he figured it was something big. "I take it that's a yes?"

"Yes, take that as a yes...look, Hayward, I'm insanely busy right now."

"I'll make it quick then," David shot back. "I'm going to e-mail you an article and I want you to contact the author."

"What?"

"It's a research article, and, stem cell therapy...it's just not my thing, you understand? I wouldn't know where to start having a conversation that would catch her attention. You on the other hand..."

"Why do you want me to contact the author?"

"Just read the article and then ask her about it. Pick her brain. Pretend that you're interested in her theories...and then I want you to forward me your e-mails."

"I don't get it...why? Who is this author? Is this some chick you're trying to pick up."

David chuckled. "No, no... nothing like that."

"Who is she?"

"Dr. Alexia Merrick."

"Never heard of her," Levy told him and this time David could sense the irritation on the other end.

"She's brilliant."

"If she was brilliant I'd know her."

David had to bite his tongue. Maybe it was time to remind him why he was asking. "Look, I don't like calling in favours. But this one's important. Really important. Kind how it was important for you to take over the Fresno lab for a week and for me to make sure you could."

There was silence on the other end and David cringed. It was a not-so-thinly veiled reminder that if it wasn't for his wheelings and dealings one of Rosenberg's early studies might never have gone as far as it did. Might never have elevated his career the way it did. It was exactly the kind of half-threat he used to utter all the time, and the sort of commodities he used to love trading in. Except now they left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Send me the e-mail," was the strained acknowledgement at the other end. "I'll get on it as soon as I have a free moment."

"Look, I appreciate it..." David tried knowing it was too late for pleasantries now. He'd already crossed the line.

"Is there anything else?"

"No."

"I'll copy you on what I send her."

There was no good-bye as Rosenberg hung up the phone and David frowned.

For a moment he felt like a stranger in his own skin. He felt like the David-he-used-to-be.

"I hope this is worth it," he mumbled to no one. "I hope this brings your sister back, Anna..."

London, England

They were walking along a beach.

It was chilly and there were no palm trees.

Tall, green beach grass covered the sand dunes on one side of them and ice cold waves lapped against the golden beach on the other. Olive-grey peaks jutted out across the water; most of them uninhabited islands that dotted the shoreline.

In spite of the striking scenery, his gaze was focused on her. When a crisp, salty gust of air blew her hair across her face, it made him smile.

Her hair was long again, the way he loved it. Long enough that he could run his fingers through it.

She wore a thick, white wool turtle-neck sweater and her hand was firmly clasped in his.

"Isn't it beautiful?"

"Yes, you are."

"It's not what I meant..."

He smiled. "I know."

Alex smiled at him in return and cupped his face in her hands, kissing his lips unexpectedly. "I love you so much."

He liked the feel of her lips against his, and the way the wind tossed her hair into his face. It all felt so good. So warm and familiar. If it were up to him, they'd stay like this forever. Walking along a deserted beach in northern Scotland. With her lips on his, and the wind sweeping the salty air into their lungs.

"I have to go."

Her words came from nowhere, shocking him.

"What do you mean?"

"I have to leave you. I'm sorry, but I have to..."

He held on to her hand tighter, but it was futile. She slipped from his grasp with ease, as though her flesh was made of the same sand as the beach under his feet.

She was walking towards the water. Into the ice-cold waves. He could see the water seep through her jeans.

"Alex, stop!"

He tried to run after her, but he couldn't.

His legs were immobile, sinking into the sand below. It wasn't a beach anymore. It was quicksand.

"Alex! Don't go!"

She kept walking further. Into the water. It came up to her shoulders now.

She turned around once more. Her smile was gone and she looked afraid. "I love you so much."

It was the last thing she said before a wave swept over her.

Drowning her.

"No!"

Dimitri tossed the blanket off, gasping for air. Wanting to run out of the room.

Into the ocean, after her.

"Hey..." A sleepy voice in the dark. "Is something wrong?"

"No..." Dimitri managed, his voice sounding foreign to his ears. "I'm just going to get up and get a drink of water."

"Okay..." was the yawning response.

Dimitri quietly left the bedroom, knowing the way in the dark all too well from the many sleepless nights he'd spent here. He lived in Alex's old London flat now. The flat they'd kept saying they were going to sell in order to buy a house further afield, so as to have a real, permanent home in London.

It was just one more thing they never got around to doing.

Dimitri turned on the tap and waited for the water to get cold, before pouring it into his glass.

Ice cold. Like the waves on that beach.

Dimitri took a large sip and then held the glass against his cheek, letting the glass cool him.

How could he still miss her somuch? How could he want her so badly that he'd have given an arm in exchange for a few minutes in the same room with her?

What about you, Alex? Do you ever think of me?

He wondered whether she missed him even half as much as he missed her.

He swallowed another sip of water before he angrily threw the glass back into the sink.

"Obviously not. Or else you'd be here."

He thought he heard it smash, but didn't care to even look. He'd clean it up in the morning.

"Damn you, Alex," he whispered. "Damn you for leaving us and for not trusting me enough to even give us half a chance. "

He lit a cigarette in the dark, and smoked it in silence, waiting for his heart to stop pounding before silently going back to the bedroom.

Helen had turned on the bedside lamp and was sitting up when he got back.

"I was about to send out a search party..." she told him.

Dimitri pulled back the covers to join her back in the bed. "I'm sorry. I needed some air."

Helen wrinkled her small, perfect nose. "You needed to pace and brood and have a cigarette."

Dimitri smiled a lopsided smile. "That too."

She yawned and sank back onto the pillow. "What do you dream about all the time anyway?" It was the first time she asked him.

He was lying on his back now, staring at the ceiling. "Nothing important."

"Are you fretting about that race tomorrow?"

He looked at his Longines watch, the hands glowing in the dark. "That would be the race today."

Helen's fingers ran through his hair, more interested in him than in his response. "Oh..."

"Will you come with me?" he asked her. He'd asked her before and she said no. Horse races bored her to tears, she argued. That and she had work to finish at the office this weekend.

"Oh Dimitri, I've got to get this report finished. And the perfect time to do it is over the weekend, when no one's in the office to distract me. You know I get distracted way too easy."

"Please? It would mean a lot to me..."

Helen sighed. "Fine. But only if you take me to dinner at the Savoy on Saturday."

Dimitri grinned. "It's closed for renovations, but I'll try and find something comparable."

"But why Dimi? You know I could care less about horses running in a circle and I haven't got a clue how to read those racing forms. Besides, people are going to wonder about us if you show up at these things with me."

I want you to come because watching Andrei race with Tempus makes me miss her even more.

I want you to come because I desperately need a distraction. Because today is about Andrei not about missing Alex.

He squeezed her hand. "That's okay. Let them wonder."

Vancouver, Canada

Alexandra Marick tip-toed down the stairs, purposely not turning on the lights because she knew Maria liked to sleep with the door of her room open. She knew the stairway light would shine right into it, waking her.

Her good intentions flew out the window when she accidentally stepped on a toy truck in the darkness, sending it careening down sixteen steps. It made a clanking noise on every single one of them until it finally settled, upside down, on the bottom.

Alex cringed.

It didn't take more than a few seconds for the old, Spanish woman to come running out of her room, turning on the light, blinding Alex.

"Alejandra! Ay caramba! Que haces?"

Alex squinted in the light. "Sorry...it's just me. Go back to sleep."

"Sleep? After I almost have a heart attack? If you are trying to kill me, next time you take a pillow, you put it over my head and then you push down! That's what normal people do. Not this, Alejandra! Let me be asleep when you do it!"

Alex laughed. "God, you're dramatic."

Maria waved her hands in the air. "Why you are sneaking around your own house like a thief? What time is it anyway?"

"It's almost four. The race is going to start soon. I told you last night I was going to watch it."

"Si..si. I remember now. You and your horses."

Alex put her hand on Maria's shoulder. "I'm sorry I woke you. Will you try and go back to sleep?"

The older woman gave her an indignant look. "No, I will not sleep. I will go and make sure your noise didn't wake Liam, then I will make us a coffee, and I want to see your horse win. That horse that you always watch at crazy times."

"Fine," Alex relented. "Come watch with me. Grab a robe, and I'll go check on Liam."

There was a time not that long ago when she'd have been instantly uncomfortable with the thought of having company when she wanted to be left alone.

But tonight it didn't bother her. She liked the thought of maybe sharing Andrei's victory with the woman who'd helped her through the worst two years of her life.

'You've come a long way,' Alex realized. She knew she still had a ways to go, but she was getting there. Finally.

She walked back upstairs and into her son's room, a smile lifted her lips when she saw that he was sleeping with his head resting on the palm of his hand.

Alex gently moved his hand and watched him stir in his sleep. "You are too cute, my little man," she whispered. She wasn't surprised that the noise hadn't woken him. Liam could sleep through anything, including the blaring of the ships' horns across Coal Harbour that often woke her at night.

She couldn't resist bending down to give him a kiss. "Sweet dreams. Of your brother winning his race."

Alex left his room and closed the door behind her, shuddering when she thought back to how close she'd been to not having him in her life.

After she left Moscow two years ago, Alex wanted an abortion. There were few things she was certain of at the time but that was one of them. She went to three different clinics, but in the end, couldn't go through with any of her attempts.

Later, near the end of her pregnancy, Alex convinced herself that adoption was her only alternative.

She could only guess it was near the end because of her size, as she really had no clue when the due date was. There hadn't been a single medical appointment since the emergency room doctor had told her she was expecting. Not one since she left Moscow a complete mess and completely unable to deal with the post-traumatic stress. Or with the thought of her mother coming after her. Or of Faison finding out that she was carrying his child.

Alex had no clue what adoption entailed for the mother giving up the child. She decided she would just leave the hospital after giving birth. One thing was certain, she didn't want Faison's child. But at the same time the baby deserved a chance at happiness. It wasn't the baby's fault that its father was a monster. The best thing she could do for that child's safety and happiness was to make sure it never knew its father.

But the day he was born, Alex couldn't bring herself to do that either.

One look into the boy's dark eyes and she realized that she wasn't looking at Faison's son.

Or Dimitri's.

It was her son she was holding in her arms.

Holding him after all these months was an indescribable feeling. Unlike like any other she'd ever experienced.

One minute in her arms and she'd have given her life for him, if that's what it took to protect him.

It was a love so strong and so unexpected, it took her breath away.

Alex hadn't thought of a name. Hadn't even thought she'd be the one to choose one.

There was a glossy, entertainment magazine lying on the bedside table in the hospital. It had an actor whose first name was Liam on the cover. That's what she picked when the doctor asked her.

It was an impulse decision, but now, nearly two years later, Alex was happy with it. It suited the little boy she fell in love with all over again, every day.

While Alex might not have made a single sane decision while she was pregnant, seeing that by some miracle, she gave birth to a healthy child in spite of it all, made her realize that Liam deserved much better than she'd given him so far.

Finding Maria and convincing the stubborn Spanish woman to help her raise the newborn baby, was the one good decision she made since leaving Moscow in a haze of confusion.

"It is starting!" she heard Maria yell from downstairs. "Hurry up."

When Alex took her seat next to Maria, the horses were in the process of entering the track. Andrei and Tempus were the second ones to come in, and as was the case with every race she managed to catch, the sight of her son and his horse about to race gave her goose bumps.

Maria handed her a bowl of coffee. "I made you some cafe con leche. With a little canela on top. The way you like it early in the morning."

"Thank you," Alex told her, taking the cup into her hands. It was only since living with Maria that she started to love the smell of fresh coffee.

Alex couldn't take her eyes off the TV screen.

The way Andrei rode Tempus was so natural, the two of them were seamless together. One complimented the other to make a perfect whole. Alex set down her coffee and bit her nails as the horses neared the starting gate.

Come on, Andrei. You can do it. You're the most amazing rider I've ever met.

"Did we bet money on your horse?"

"No."

"Why not? If you are so sure he is going to win."

"I'm not sure...I just really want him to."

For an instant Alex wondered if Dimitri was there, in the stands, watching the race.

She smiled at the thought. Of course he was. The man she knew and loved wouldn't miss this for the world. This one was too big to miss.

She was surprised that the TV camera hadn't zoomed in on him yet. Dimitri Marick was more than a minor celebrity in the world of thoroughbred racing, and Tempus Fugit was one of the favourites going into the race today.

As if someone could read her mind, the next close-up wasn't of some British aristocrat, it was of Dimitri.

Alex's heart skipped a beat.

These last few months, there wasn't a day that went by that she didn't want to go back to him. Just to feel his arms around her again. To let him know she couldn't stand missing him this much any more.

The camera zoomed in on him, standing up, leaning into the course from his seat, too excited to sit down.

It also zoomed in on her. The tall, good-looking blonde woman standing next to him, her arm hooked into his.

Alex's heart caught in her throat.

He found someone else.

It shouldn't have surprised her. She told herself more than once that she wanted as much. Wanted him to be happy.

Still the sight of him with someone else triggered something in her that she wasn't ready for. Longing, anger, regret. All three emotions hit her with a force that made her want to run out of the room and catch the next flight to London.

For the first time in a long time she wanted to fight. Relished the thought even. Fight for what she loved and lost.

Her eyes watered again against her will.

He didn't leave you, idiot. You left him.

Even so, the knowledge hurt more than she thought it would.

Unblinking, she forced herself to focus on the TV screen, hoping that Maria wouldn't notice. The camera had panned back to the racetrack.

The horses were in the gate now and Alex couldn't make out Andrei anymore. He was hidden behind the bars, next to the other riders. Her heart was pounding.

The pistol fired and the horses sped off.

Come on, Andrei. Come on!

He was in third place after the first turn. Only a few hands back from the second horse, Alex knew he could make it up at the next turn.

The horse behind him pushed ahead of Andrei, putting him in fourth.

Alex jumped to her feet.

"Come on, Andrei! Push him, Tempus can handle it."

As if he heard her, Andrei pushed ahead, neck and neck with the horse that just passed him.

"Now take the next turn on the outside," Alex whispered. "Tempus is fast enough to make up the extra distance."

This time he didn't take her advice, taking the next turn on the inside. It was the riskier move, but Alex should've known that would've made it the obvious choice for him.

She cringed as he brushed dangerously close to the next rider. "Better to lose than injure Tempus."

Even so he was in second place now with only one turn to go.

The first rider wasn't more than two yards ahead of him. It was a lot of catching up in a short distance and Alex had a feeling he wouldn't push it more than he had to. The first two horses would both get a chance to race at Royal Ascot next month, the Kentucky Derby of the United Kingdom.

"Stay with him, but stop pushing," Alex mouthed.

This time Andrei seemed to agree. He was at least a yard ahead of the third rider and crossed the finish line a comfortable second.

Alex smiled, feeling the tension ease from her shoulders. "Beautiful run, champ."

She barely heard Maria setting down her tiny espresso cup on the coffee table. But Alex did catch her serious expression when she turned to her. "Hey...this is good news, it's great. Even though he came in second. It means he races Royal Ascot!"

Maria's face was sombre. "Why this boy and this horse means so much to you?"

Alex raised her brows. "What do you mean?"

"Is he your son?"

This time Alex was speechless. For as long as she'd known her now, Maria had always been brutally honest and, at times, exasperatingly perceptive. Two traits that hadn't always been easy too stomach, but two traits she'd desperately needed in a friend these days.

That said, she wasn't ready to have this conversation just yet.

"Maria...I don't know what you're talking about."

The old woman had her arms folded defensively. "You are not answering my question."

Alex frowned. "You're right, I'm not answering that question."

"Alejandra! You said you are going to be honest with me."

That's why I'm not answering your question.

Alex took a long sip of her cafe con leche and then got up from the sofa. "I'm going to go for a run."

Maria looked at her as though she announced she was going bungee jumping. "At four in the morning? Estas loca?"

"I'll be back before Liam wakes up..."

"Don't go, please." This time there was something else written all over her face. Fear. "I will not ask you any more questions. Just go back to bed, Alejandra. Please..."

"Look, I'll be fine. Lots of people jog in Stanley Park in the morning..." And then it dawned on her that Maria wasn't afraid that something sinister would happen to her in the early morning. It was something else.

The last time she went for a late night jog in Sydney she didn't come back until two days later.

I wanted to keep running that night.

Running. And running and running. Away from everything.

Alex closed her eyes, hating what she'd put Maria through. Wishing she could somehow make it up to her. Knowing she couldn't. And it wasn't just Maria. It was everyone else she loved and hurt by disappearing from their lives. Not just for two days, but nearly two years.

The old woman's eyes were close to tears now. "I think maybe it was a mistake that you stopped taking the medication."

Alex took a deep breath and put her hands on Maria's shoulders.

That was something else she'd just as soon forget. The anti-depressants she needed to take after Liam's birth in order to function. Followed by her decision, to go off them nearly a year later, when she realized that feeling nothing wasn't an option anymore. Even at the risk of falling back into the abyss. It was better to hurt, than feel nothing at all. Even if the ensuing withdrawal made her sick enough that she nearly changed her mind halfway through.

But I didn't.

I made it.

I came this far because I trusted my instincts.

Now it's time to let others know they can trust me too.

"No. It was definitely the right decision," Alex said softly. "I'm going for a run and then I'll be back. Then you can ask me again, and I hope I'll be ready to answer, okay?"

Maria nodded, wanting to believe her.

Alex kissed the old woman on the cheek, and managed a smile. "I'll be back before he wakes up. Promise."

Authors note: Sorry for the delay in updating! Been busier than I was hoping to be! I'm aiming for an update every two weeks, but it might occasionally be longer than that, so thanking you in advance for you patience! Thanks too to my two editors, Annie and Kel. You may now blame all typos, grammatical and factual errors and storyline inconsistencies on them. (I kid!). Thanks for reading. :)