TC Stark: Hey, I'm sorry I haven't been updating much. I haven't really been feeling myself, just not myself. But, I hope you all have had a lovely holiday, updating will be slow because of school. As always, ideas would be appreciated, what you'd like to see.

Disclaimer: I only own Bonnie, Skyler, Joan, Lisa, and Damien xD Any other character is property of the creators of Criminal Minds, an amazing show.

Chapter Sixteen: Hate to Feel

"Let me ask you something, Bonnie, would you be able to do another man right now?"

What a horrible question to ask. To be put on the spot and not know fully what to say, not know how to respond. After all, what kind of question was that? Why ask that on a plane with fellow co-workers? He was certainly brave asking that question. It was a question that the answer could break someone's heart. But, it wasn't that she didn't want to tell him the truth; it was that she didn't know what the truth was.

Bonnie bit her lower lip, looking the man in his eyes. Those eyes that revealed that he was not joking. He was putting her on the spot, turning the tables around. The conversation was no longer about him, but about her. She felt her lips move, but nothing came out. Her throat closed up and her heart began to race, looking around the plane at the BAU.

She knew that they weren't looking at her, but for some reason she felt a paranoia that they were. Clenching her fists, Bonnie stood up, her voice low, "How dare you put me on the spot like that. You have no right." With that the black haired girl got up and walked to the bathroom.

That's how it ended, that conversation. Bonnie exited the bathroom and took a seat next to Morgan. Her eyes did not gaze Reid's way and her lips did not murmur a goodbye when they landed. The night of their return she did not answer any of his calls nor dared to call him back. It seemed that communication between them had ceased because of Reid finally standing up to himself.

It was the next day and the team had off. It was the afternoon that Bonnie found herself smoking in her kitchen, yet she had been up for hours. She had not been able to sleep or get his question out of her head. She had never quite found him to be so bold and it surprised her. She was surprised by her anger, her shame in hearing the question being asked.

Bonnie bit her lower lip, fighting the tears that so desperately wanted to fall from her eyes. Being spoken to like that made her feel like dirt. Taking her phone out, her thumb typed away a number and placed it to her ear to wait. A single tear fell down her cheek as she heard a click on the other end, "Hello?"

"Hey, Sky."

Within minutes the young assistant found herself sharing a nice smoke with her teen-hood friend. When she had called the mother of two was in the middle of taking her kids to the park. Instead she took her son of four and her daughter of five to "aunt" Bonnie's house. In the daughter there were so many features of Skyler, that beautiful orange/red hair along with her eyes. The boy also had the same hair as his sister, but with very dark brown eyes.

The two women made sure the children were far away from their smoking and their adult conversation. The black haired girl had brought out snacks for the children and giving Skyler the little wine she had that was strictly used for cooking. Skyler looked so much like a teenager, wearing a purple and black corset and ripped jeans. Bonnie sat next to her friend in black shorts and a tank top along with knee high purple and black striped socks.

Taking a sip of the wine, Skyler laughed, "You know, they say a glass of wine a day is good for your heart. The Europeans do it." She grinned, winking.

"Yes, and they also have no problem with nudity."

"Good, neither do I."

Bonnie laughed, remembering just what it was like to have her old friend around, "I feel bad for your children."

Skyler nudged her friend and stated, "I'm a fine mother."

Taking a pull of her death stick, the green eyed girl frowned, "How are….they taking the death?"

IT was at this question that her friend frowned, waving at her children before whispering, "It….was very hard. They kept asking where daddy was and..I-I just couldn't bring myself to tell them. I held back for about a week before telling them that daddy was so great that God wanted him."

"You're atheist, why are you telling them that?" Bonnie inquired.

"Yea, I know," Skyler shrugged, "But, Steel was Catholic and the least I can do is raise them the way he would want. I think I'm doing alright. I cry every once and a while, but Steel wouldn't want me to be like this. He….plain and simple was the love of my life. I only have the fondest of memories of him and right now am going to concentrate on my kids and if a guy or a girl comes along whatever…but if not, whatever," She laughed and then winked, "But, y'know…we do have needs."

Bonnie laughed hysterically at the comment, Skyler always had this sense of humor to her. It was amazing that she could be like the mother of everyone, having such wisdom and such a level head. To have that and then have the wicked humor that she did was what made her special. She was the best friend Bonnie could have, the one who truly understood her.

Putting her cigarette out, she asked, "So….four years is a long time, I know you've been married to Steel, who by the way he was amazing."

"Thank you, baby."

"But, what about Joan?"

Skyler smiled, "Remember Lionel?"

Bonnie's eyes went wide, grabbing her friend's shoulder, "Oh my God! She's still with him?"

The other girl grinned, it was great news. Lionel was a boy that Joan had met when she was 14 and had had sex with. They remained friends until they were 18 and decided to get more serious. In a way it was like Bonnie and Spencer, but after a Joan gave in to Lionel's pleas and realized her love for him. He was just a fun guy, more into the grudge scene with shoulder length blonde dreads.

"And what about Lisa? Is she still with Stark?"

Skyler giggled, once again making sure her kids weren't listening in, "Lisa turned lesbian."

Blinking, Bonnie choked, "Excuse me?"

"Three years ago, Stark cheated on her and changed her view on men forever. She's dated a few girls throughout the years. She asked me for advice when she first came out…I tried to give her advice but, I mean, as far as I'm concerned I've always loved women and men equally, it's like I never came out. I was just always out."

"Yes, you were a four year old kissing girls." Bonnie commented, receiving a slap on the shoulder.

The bisexual lit up again, getting serious, "You sounded upset in your call to me. Please talk to me."

Bonnie frowned, she knew that this conversation would happen eventually. She reached for her phone, showing her friend all her missed calls. Skyler gawked as she stated, "Sky….I feel like….I'm a kid again. I feel like I'm 16. I feel like the time my grandmother died and I went through withdrawal. I feel…depressed and vulnerable, and open and…..lost."

"Well, why?"

"Skyler," Their eyes met, sadness in them, "Everyone knows….everyone knows everything. They know my suicide attempts, my drug abuse, Damien, even my bisexuality. I'm shown to be a little girl, not the strong headed woman I've worked so hard to be. I'm a book, Sky. I hate feeling this way, I feel open for all of them to know. I just look at them and I can tell all they can think is that I'm a drug addicted slut. I hate feeling this way, I don't want to feel this way. I haven't in years."

"Bonnie….you're walls are breaking down. There's nothing wrong with that. You're acting like this is something to be ashamed of. Imagine you didn't have the past you did, would you be the person you are today? Everything happens for a reason. You need to hold onto your past and let it help make you stronger. Your past made you who you are just how you made me who I am. You will be a part of my life forever. I love you, Bonnie, I always will. And I know that Damien hurt you, but he made you realize that you need to be more aware of the men you choose. And you inspired us. I didn't quit until a year after, when my baby was born. Lisa went to rehab and Joan just got clean a year ago. Baby, it's ok."

Shaking her head, Bonnie let her face tuck in the palms of her hands, "I…just hate this. I had a panic attack last night….I….felt so tempted…the addiction. Do you know that for the rest of my life I could go through a trip, even if I never do drugs again?"

"No, I didn't….who told you that?"

Giving a small laugh, she responded, "Spence."

"Ah," The mother nodded, asking, "And how is he? Obviously, you're ignoring his calls for a reason."

The assistant for the BAU leaned back, shaking her head, "We came back from Hollywood. While we were there he met up with the former holder of his heart. I sent him off to a date with her. He said that….all he wanted was me. Words were exchanged before he asked 'would you be able to do another man now'?"

"Would you?" Skyler asked seriously.

Bonnie's lips moved as suddenly her phone began to rang. Her friend handed her the phone, seeing Reid's name. She bit her lower lip as Skyler calmly stated, "Prove you're not the girl you use to be. Pick up the phone."

Thirty minutes had passed since Skyler's last words. She and her kids had departed, leaving her black haired friend to get dressed. Though it was nice weather out, the way she was dressed was no way appropriate for the outside world. Right now she was doing something she didn't want to do, practically kicked out of her own house by the former love of her life.

Bonnie took a deep breath, running her fingers through her black hair. She had done her eyeliner in attempt to look professional and gain back herself. It was a nice little café, walking in to try and spot a familiar face. Part of her wished he wasn't there, but he was. Sitting down in a small booth in the corner, him gazing out the window. He never even noticed her there.

Placing her hands on her hips, she started towards him while smirking, "Don't you have enough coffee, Spence?"

The genius spun his head around, noticing that the girl of his dreams was standing there. His mind was spinning, still shocked that she even answered his call. On the plane she looked so angry and unlike herself, but right now she was the Bonnie that he knew and had come to love. He stood up, his pulse caught up n his throat as she waved him off and sat down.

He sat back down, watching her order a drink for herself. Afterwards she made eye contact with him, smiling. The doctor smiled back, taking a sip of his coffee, "I'm….glad you came."

"No."

Spencer blinked, taken back at Bonnie's sudden and irrelevant statement, "Excuse me?"

Holding her hands together, the girl across from him sat tall with her eyebrow raised, "My answer to your question…..no. I would not be able to sleep with another man," Spencer opened his mouth to say something as she stopped him, "But, that doesn't change a thing. Our relationship should stay the way it is. I'm the gateway girl, you're suppose to have you're fun-"

"But, you haven't had sex in 7 years because of Damien, I must have meant something." Spence intercepted.

Bonnie then smiled, reaching over to grasp the brown haired man's hand. Her thumb began to massage his skin gently, allowing him to close his eyes and enjoy the sign of affection. While his eyes were closed, she spoke, "You're such a great man….you have a great aura to you. I was just drawn, I could trust you…I just don't know how to describe it."

A small smile came to the young doctor's face, him reaching over to gently squeeze her hand. She smiled back, welcoming his touch as she asked, "So life has been pretty hectic lately, hmm?"

It felt so good to hear a chuckle come from his throat, "I guess you can say that. In a way I'm use to the fact that we have to deal with these crazy people, it's my job. But, just when you think you've prepared yourself enough, the crime still shocks you. It still shocks me that anyone could do what they do."

"It's a sick program."

He looked back down at his coffee, sighing as he ran his fingers through his hair in a distressed manner. She smiled a little while stating, "Your birthday's in a week, isn't it?"

"Why did you get so angry on the plane?"

Bonnie frowned, apparently he had also decided to be blunt about his questions. She then sat back at this, taking in a deep breath. She then continued to explain things just the way she had to Skyler. She told Spencer everything, how open she felt, how vulnerable. Bonnie just let her emotions out, explaining to him that on the plane she felt so paranoid that everyone knew and she felt like a little girl when he asked her that question.

Spencer gave a small frown as he stated, "Bonnie, I'm so sorry that you felt that way. I never meant to hurt you like that."

"No, I'm the one hurting you." She stated, bowing her head as she refused to cry in front of him.

Spencer reached over, holding her hand once more as asked, "Would you want to go to my place?"

"I would love that."

TC Stark: Again I'm terribly sorry for taking so long. I know there are those out there who really like this story and want to see it continued. Don't worry, I will finish this story the way it was meant to be finished. I have a nice idea for the next chapter, but I'm opened to anything. I'm going to Italy in two weeks for 13 days so again adding may be slow, but please bear with me.