A/N: Hello again! :) Finally I decided to update after some time... I might become tiring repeating that but, yes, once again I don't like how this chapter has turned out. Generally I don't really like the way my story is evolving because I had planned it to turn out differently...Plus this chapter might bore you a little since nothing major is going on... I don't even know why I'm uploading it anyway... I guess I don't have the courage to delete it after all this time I've spent writing it...Anyway... A big thanks to all of you that took the time to review my story and of course to all of you who added it to your story alerts and (to my great surprise!) favorites! Thank you!

Chapter 6

"Not now Rodolphus…" she said in a low voice in an almost begging tone.

"Please, my love, tell me what happened? What did he do to you?" Rodolphus insisted following her all the way to her bedroom.

The moment she reached the door she stopped walking and turned around abruptly, Rodolphus almost tripping over her.

"Please Rodolphus, I'm exhausted! Leave me alone I need to get some rest" she continued in the same tone and she was about to turn around and walk into the room when she decided to add "And don't you dare blame the Dark Lord again! Ever! He'd never do anything to harm me"

"But Bella…"

Bellatrix walked in the room and slammed the door behind her leaving Rodolphus' sentence unfinished. She went to her bed and lied on her side with her clothes on. She didn't even have the courage to undress herself. She would gladly fall asleep but her thoughts made it impossible.

She tried to put them in some order. Nothing made sense. The only thing she was sure of was that she finally managed to cast a successful Cruciatus Curse. And not just successful but really powerful as well. More powerful that she had expected. More powerful than her master had predicted. It was the first time she saw him suffer. The first time she saw him being in actual pain even if it was only for a very brief moment. For the tiniest space of time. But she saw it. The painful expression that had spread all over his face. The red highlights in his eyes. His momentary silent plea for relief. His vulnerability. And that was what brought her back to reality.

She could not explain it but before that, she had been in a state of some kind of blind rage. After she heard her master's words she lost control. She wasn't herself. Rage took over and as a result came this powerful spell that none of them could have foreseen. Of course, Voldemort's intention was to make her angry, to make her want to cause pain. But his words… all the things she had told her, had a greater impact than he had thought, probably a greater impact than he had wanted. Her passion for blood purity, her loathing for all the blood traitors had proven to be immeasurably powerful. Powerful enough to even, briefly, overcome her adoration for her master. The moment she realized this, that tiny moment she saw him suffer, suffer because of her, of her own actions and only, was enough to make her hate herself more than she had ever hated anyone in her life. Even the thought of it was enough to make her sick.

In her mind it was like he had betrayed him. And this was one thing she thought she would never allow to happen. By the time she got the Dark Mark she had promised to herself that her only purpose in life would be to serve her Lord, to remain faithful to him no matter what. He was above anything for she belonged to him. She was his eternally. She could not believe she could break it so easily, so quickly. All she could feel was revulsion. Revulsion for her impulsiveness, for this weakness she knew that she would certainly pay for, one day, revulsion for her bad-temper, revulsion for her immaturity, for her stupidity, revulsion for her whole self.

She had broken the spell as soon as she had gotten back to reality and all she could do was mutter a barely audible "Forgive me, my Lord" only to get silenced by his words that coldly praised her for the effectiveness of her spell. After that there had been a few moments of awkward silence like both of them expected to hear something from the other and then Bellatrix dared to ask him if she could leave. She did not fully understand why this puzzled expression had spread all over his face. It was like he had heard something he had not expected. As if he thought she would want to talk with him about something. His reply had come after a few seconds in a low calm tone "If that is what you want…" and it was her turn to get surprised and confused. She did not have the courage though to ask for further analyzing as she had never felt as exhausted before. So after a brief bow and a whispered "Goodnight, my Lord" she had apparated to the hallway of her house and Rodolphus was following her demanding to know what had happened.

And there she was, lying on her bed, trying hopelessly to put some order into the chaos that reigned in her mind. Let's start from the basics she thought.

We dueled. He beat me. He beat me several times and then… then we would get to the real training. The Dark Arts. He wanted me to delve into the Dark Arts. We would start from the Unforgivable Curses. I had never casted any Unforgivable Curse before. So humiliating… and then… he asked me to cast the Cruciatus Curse on him… on him… Why? It doesn't make any sense. Exposing his vulnerabilities is so unlike him. Vulnerability is a human weakness. He doesn't like being weak. Something is wrong here, something's really wrong… However he demanded that I cast it upon him.

I tried. I failed, of course I failed…and then I failed again. Yeah right… I have to mean it. I have to want to cause pain, to enjoy it… How could I ever want to cause pain to him and on top of that, enjoy it? …Another contradiction. He knows that pretty well. I could never cause pain to him and of course trying to cast the Cruciatus Curse for the first time on him would never be an easy thing for me… probably the worst way to practice my skills, yet he insisted… What if he just wanted to test me? To see how far I would go for him…How long I could stand before breaking…To see if I could obey him even when it came to something as difficult as that… But I could never disobey him either… He knew that as well. So… he just decided to play with me? Use me to amuse himself? See me suffer? No way. That would definitely be a strange thing to do given the fact he wants to train me. He wouldn't waste his time just for fun… Why then? Why?

And then he asked me to think of something that would enrage me so I could succeed in casting the curse. Muggles. That was my answer. Filthy Muggles. He then said something about half-bloods. If a half-blood should do. Yes, that's what he asked. Of course it would. Half-bloods are equally disgusting. And then I was free to proceed. Everything happened so quickly. It wasn't me. Anger… there was anger, eyes flashing red and… vulnerability. Vulnerability, one thing I would never expect to see in him. And then it was disgust… and hate… immeasurable hate, for my actions… for myself. I hurt him... I hurt him! It was I the cause of this vulnerability, of this painful, broken face, of his suffering… Though it was he that allowed me to do so, that requested I did so. No … he did not expect me to succeed… That was it. He did not expect me to succeed! And then what? ... He would intimidate me? Punish me? What?

He did not expect me to succeed. What was this all about then? I'm missing something… What happened next? …What happened? … …

He praised me. Then he remained silent until I dared to ask him if I could leave. He did not immediately reply instead he was staring not uttering a word like he was expecting something from me… An awkward moment of silence. "If that is what you want"… These were his words… If that was what I wanted… What else could I possibly want? Keep practicing? Keep making him suffer? Certainly not. Ask about something? That'd be possible… Ask about something…Ask… about what? The reason why he asked me to Crucio him probably… or not? I could not ask that… When I tried to object he got angry. I should not question his decisions. That's what he told me. Then what was it?

A terrible headache pounded in her head now. She wanted to scream. She needed to find the answer. It was a rather uncomfortable situation she had been in and she didn't like looking stupid in the eyes of her master. She desperately needed to get some rest but she knew that sleep wouldn't come unless she found the answer. The headache was getting heavier. She turned to lie on her back when it hit her. She gasped for air unable to breathe from the shock and she had begun to feel dizzy until she finally managed to take a decent breath. She stared blankly at the tester of her bed unable to take in the thought she'd just made. She could feel her limbs numbing from the terror. Her breathing was still abnormal and she put a lot of effort to normalize it. She raised herself in a sitting position in order to breathe more easily.

No it can't be. It shouldn't be. It's impossible! Absurd! Totally illogical, yet everything else makes total sense. But no…

She could feel her world totally falling apart by the realization of what she had just discovered. Everything was collapsing and she couldn't find anything to hold onto. The more she thought about it the more insane it sounded but at the same time so logical. It explained everything else, at a satisfactory level at least, yet it simply couldn't be. Of course she could not be certain about it. It was just a thought, just a simple assumption, a guess. She shouldn't take it for granted. However, only one word now haunted her mind … Half-blood.

"Please then, do proceed" … "If that is what you wish" "Would a half-blood do?" "Tell me, Bellatrix…" "Would a half-blood do?" "Please then, do proceed" "Would a half-blood do?"…

She opened her eyes in shock, hearing her own scream. She must have slept for a couple of hours. She could see the dim light of the rising sun from the small opening between the dark velvet curtains on the opposite wall. She probably had collapsed by all the tension her thoughts had caused.

She slowly raised herself, sat on the edge of the bed and finally got up. She looked her reflection in the full body mirror in front of her. She looked like a total mess. Several bruises scattered in all the visible parts of her body, on her face, neck, arms… Her hair was all crazy flying in all directions. There was still some dried blood on the side of her mouth.

She carefully undid her corset and then removed her dress in order to obtain a full view of her injuries. She almost gasped in the sight of the huge dark bruise that spread on her right ribs. She certainly must have cracked if not broken some of them. More bruises revealed, mostly on the upper part of her body as well as a few stray cuts here and there. She turned around so she could examine her back. The image did not differ much than that of her front part, only there were a lot more scratches, result of her falling repeatedly on the rough, bumpy, stone floor.

As she turned around to face the mirror again her eyes were caught by the dark mark on her left arm that contrasted with her pale skin. She brought it closer to her face and stared at it. She didn't know what it meant for her right now. Could she just lose her faith so easily? She had given a promise after all. With this Mark she had made an oath. One she could not break. Where was all this enthusiasm she had when she finally managed to be a part of Voldemort's army? Where was all her dedication? Her loyalty?

In a few hours everything had turned upside down and she could not make her mind about anything. She wanted so desperately someone to tell her what was true and what wasn't… someone to tell her what she had to do… someone she could rely on. She wanted someone to hold her and show her the way, to reassure her that everything would turn out to be okay in the end. She couldn't help being without a lead…Tears run freely down her face forming streams and she did not make any effort to prevent them from falling. She watched her reflection crying, lying on the floor, hugging herself and staying there until there were no more tears left. So weak…

He is the Dark Lord! How can I reject him? I'm supposed to serve his cause. His cause! To fight off Muggles and blood traitors! This is part of his cause isn't it? So what if he is a half-blood himself? That does not make him a blood traitor! He is not like the rest of them. It's not like it was his choice after all. He knows that purebloods must prevail. He hates blood traitors twice as much as any pureblood does. He's inferior to all of us and I dared… I dared doubt him! Doubt him!

The familiar feeling of self-loathing flooded her once again. She decisively stood up, her face grimacing in pain, and after taking a brief gaze of herself in the mirror she walked to the bathroom on the far side of the room. Maybe I deserve this torment after all.

She turned the faucet on and let water fill the bathtub while she removed the rest of her clothing. When she entered the tub a pleasurable sensation spread through her body as the lukewarm water embraced it, soothing her pain. She stayed there for a few moments allowing herself to relax and then meticulously scrubbed her entire body making sure to clean the last of the dried blood from her wounds. When she was satisfied with the result she got out, grabbed the first towel she found and wrapped it around her body.

She wore a plain black silk long dress and after drying her hair with the usual spell she exited her room heading towards the kitchen. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep any longer and her stomach was rumbling with hunger so she decided she should order the house elf to serve her some breakfast. When she went down the staircase she was surprised to find Rodolphus awake, sitting in an armchair on the far side of the living room. She was in no state to have a conversation with him so she proceeded to the kitchen pretending she had not seen him.

"Vinnie, I want my breakfast ready in ten minutes!" she ordered to a weary house elf that was sweeping the kitchen floor at the time.

"Yes Ma'am! Vinnie we'll get Mistress's breakfast prepared at once!" the house elf replied bowing low and hurried to complete the task.

Bellatrix threw herself into one of the chairs and rested her head on her arms thinking about what she should do. She needed to get some answers but she didn't want to hurry things and mess it up. She wanted to meet her master. She had so many things she wanted to ask though she was not sure if it would be a good idea. He might get offended or angry. She'd better wait until their next lesson.

"It's a bit early for you to be awake isn't it Bella?" she heard a cold voice coming from the door behind her. Not again! ...

"This goes for you as well, does it not… Rod?" she sarcastically retorted.

Rodolphus stepped further into the room and sat on a chair next to her.

"Would your Excellency have the kindness to honor me with a conversation this time?" he replied in the same tone and turned his head to face her.

Bellatrix rolled her eyes sighing and looked him back.

"What do you want from me?" she asked exasperatedly.

His look softened and he took her one hand in his own before she had the time to take it away.

"Please, Bella, why do we have to argue all the time? I'm sick of this! If I'm being tiring with constantly asking questions is merely because I care about you. I can't stand being here all alone not knowing where you are and what's going on."

"Oh please Rodolphus, I can surely take care of myself. I've told you that the Dark Lord had requested to see me. I was with him and I'll be with him again this night and the next one and so on for as long as he asks me to. Would you think he would ever let anything bad happen to me?" she dryly replied trying to take her arm away but he tightened his grip.

"Then why are you like that?" he raised his voice "all bruised up, like you've been tortured? And your eyes… red…Have you been crying? Bella, your mother keeps asking why you left like that the other day and why you didn't show up again last night. What am I supposed to tell them? Even if you think you are capable of taking care of yourself, can't you for once realize what you put those who love you through? Can't you for once act like a grown up and stop being such an egoist?"

His words stung her like a slap in the face. She opened her mouth to reply something hurtful but she regretted it. She hesitated. The fact that there were other people that were concerned about her hadn't crossed her mind until now. His words had completely taken her off guard. After a long pause she finally spoke.

"The Dark Lord has offered to train me. We were dueling. You know that he wouldn't let anything serious happen to me. If you don't trust me, then trust him. I was with him because I serve his cause, our cause. You can't blame me for this. Tell this to my parents the next time they ask you. I don't care about what they'll think. They might not like our master's practices, yet we all share the same ideology. I am old enough to have the right to choose my own path."

She lowered her gaze to the table and with a distracted voice added "You needn't worry…"

Rodolphus loosened his grip and with one hand gently pulled her chin so she was forced to look him in the eye.

"It's ok, Bella. I'm sorry I didn't mean to talk to you like this. I know it's for the good of our cause, for our master. I would never doubt his intentions. It's just as I've told you that I worry so much about you. I can't stand the idea of anything happening to you. You know how much I love you."

Why was he doing this to her? He knew how she felt about this. She could never share the same feelings, for her heart belonged elsewhere. However, when he leaned and kissed her she did not pull back. She kissed him back as gently and tenderly as he did. It was her way of compensating for what she'd done. After some long seconds Rodolphus broke the kiss and looked deep down her eyes with affection. Bellatrix opened her mouth to speak but she was cut off.

"Your breakfast is ready, Mistress" said Vinnie in a squeaky voice and put a big tray with food on the table in front of her.

"Ahh!"

"What is it, love?" Rodolphus asked worriedly. Bellatrix had tried to move herself in her chair so she could eat her breakfast properly, but the huge bruise on her ribs had stung her so intensely she couldn't help a stifled scream.

"Oh, it's nothing Rod. It's just a bruise on my ribs. Nothing serious." she replied under her breath, but the painful expression on her face gave her away.

"For Merlin's sake, Bella! You need to go to bed immediately. What do you think you are doing walking around the house like that? Quickly, finish your breakfast and I'll take you upstairs. I need to see how bad it is"

Bellatrix was not in the mood to argue so she obediently ate her breakfast and allowed him to help her get upstairs yet not carry her as he had insisted. He helped her change into her nightgown and after she lied on the bed he sat next to her.

"I'm afraid it might be more than just a bruise, Bella" he said nervously as he examined the purple mark on her ribs. "Here, I don't know much about healing but this might do some good" he added as a ray of light came out his wand, making the bruise fade a little. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Yes Rod, thanks." she responded as the pain wore off a little and forced a small smile.

"I'm glad" he said smiling and planted a kiss on her forehead. "Oh! Almost forgot it! Wait. I'll be back in a few" he added in excitement and hurriedly exited the room.

She watched him leave thinking that lately she had found herself surrendering in his treatments more than she would normally allow. However displeasing, she had to admit that a part of her enjoyed it. In his arms she felt a feeling of safety and warmth she had long forgotten. On the other hand though there were times she simply wanted him to get lost. He could be so annoying, wanting to know everything that was going on…

The exhausting night she had gone through had finally started to take its toll on her. She could feel her eyelids get heavier and the moment he returned she had already fallen into a deep, dreamless, sleep.

He smiled when he realized she had fallen asleep. He walked in the room as silently as he could and carefully placed the rectangle box he held in his arms on the bedside table next to her head. He then lied next to her and gently pulled her into a spoon hug. He softly stroked her hair and got his head closer to her ear kissing her temple.

"Merry Christmas, my love" he whispered.