Eventually, he had to get up, and wandered aimlessly through the halls, eventually getting to his room and falling onto the bed.
Karkat had said he liked him, or was flushed, or whatever, but didn't want him to say it back?
Or was he just so self-defeating that he'd given up before it even began?
He rolled onto his back, staring at one of the posters he'd tacked up, but not seeing it.
What about Dave? He didn't seem to think John knew what he was, sexually speaking. Could he be wrong about that? No, he liked Liv Taylor, he liked girls…
Or did he? Actresses were one thing, but, if he was honest with himself, he'd never had feelings for any of the girls he knew. Not even Rose, who he was supposedly going to have to marry. Nobody else seemed bothered by that, though, so maybe it didn't matter?
Ugh! He threw an arm over his face. Why was this so confusing?
"Stupid Karkat, getting me all messed up…" But it wasn't really his fault, he'd said he didn't want anything…
And he'd come back to the beginning again. This was getting nowhere.
He considered asking someone about the whole situation, before disregarding it entirely. It was embarrassing enough that Dave knew. Besides, he needed to figure it out himself.
So… Karkat. What did he think of him?
He was grumpy. All the time. And he swore a lot.
John frowned. That wasn't helpful.
Well, he cared about his friends. But he blamed himself for everything they did wrong, even if there was no way he could have stopped it. The only thing he hadn't taken credit for was the mess-up in the kids' session, and even then he said he'd given their universe cancer, causing most of the problems.
So, self-sacrificing? He hated himself as well, as he often said. Lower self-esteem than Tavros, though he didn't allow other to beat on him.
He was strong, and fast too, John had found out, when Dave had thrown something at him. He'd caught it and whipped whatever it had been back, denting the wall and making whatever it was a no longer is. Even the other trolls had been surprised.
Rose had said he probably had held back lately because he found it hard to hurt actual friends instead of enemies, and that was why he'd been freaking out with Gamzee and all. Nobody had wanted to point out he'd just tried to kill Dave via random projectile.
Okay, how was this helpful? He just knew he felt friendship for the guy!
Karkat was… well, he couldn't find a better way to say it. He was handsome, in a sharp kind of way. John really wanted to run his fingers through that thick hair and around the horns, simply to feel.
Was that normal?
Probably not… But the trolls were interesting! He wondered things about all of them… but that hair and horns urge was only with Karkat. So, not normal. But gay?
He scowled, rubbing at his eyes in annoyance. This was not helpful!
He tried again, thinking about feelings. This was so girlish…
Karkat made him feel… happy, first off. Even when he was angry, he liked being around him. He also felt warm, like the sun had been placed in his chest.
Even now, all he wanted to do was find Karkat, grab him, and… that's where his mind stopped, unsure. Watch movies? Kiss him? Both?
He thought a bit, than, slowly, nodded to himself.
Both.
Well… that was that, right? He liked Karkat. Odd as it seemed, he really liked him. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense in his mind, and he sat up, determined to tell him as soon as possible.
Was this why Karkat had come to him? To share this feeling of satisfaction and peace that came with knowing what he felt?
Really didn't matter, though. He would go tell him, and they would be a couple, and… do couple things. He hoped Karkat had a better idea of wha would change, exactly, cause nothing that crossed his mind made sense.
He started to get up, but caught a glimpse of the clock on the wall and flopped over again. It was the middle of the night; Karkat, as well as any normal person, would be asleep.
He laid down again, letting his eyes drift shut and only barely remembering to remove his glasses. He'd tell him in the morning.