Hey guys! Guess what? It's time to get Jiraiya-fied!

Chapter 17

"Hmmm... Oh! Yeah that geisha's moves would totally work there. Just work it like that baby... Come on, make poppa sing."

To any innocent bystander, the perverse sproutings of the massive white haired man would be enough to make even a brick blush. Such a feat itself is normally impossible but this man is one of a kind. Untouchable by men, impossibly touchable for women. Some even go as far as to say he got his first idea for his books while still in the womb. His genius knows no bounds. Men grit their teeth in jealousy, woman swoon and faint at his feet. Why, a mere look is enough to make a lady moan in ecstasy. And his glorious path now leads him back towards his home today after a three month trip. Never one to pass up a chance to work though, he was currently scribbling furiously into a little note pad, trying to dredge up every last memory of his stay last night at a more than hospitable location. Laughing to himself, he gnawed on the end of his pen while smiling happily to himself.

"Jiraiya you old fox, this is going to be your best ever! I really must go back and thank those wonderful women for their eagerness to 'pose' for my works."

His confident strut finally brought him to the gates of Konoha and with a deep breath, looked up at the imposing walls fondly.

"It's good to see you again, home. Glad to see you welcoming me with open arms!"

He then turned his gaze towards the imposing tower standing at the base of the mountain. An immoral smile slipped onto his face as he then thought about the large breasted woman that worked within the walls.

"And to you Tsunade-hime, I do hope you come to me with an open shirt as well!"

And with a girlish squeal, Jiraiya took off towards his favourite blond.

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Currently stationed in the tower though, was not only the Hokage herself, but Naruto with a little orange book hanging out of his pocket, and a broadly grinning Anko. The snake loving kunoichi was currently meant to be feeling guilty for giving the young boy such a disgusting book but was instead taking delight in the manner. She had been summoned after Naruto wandered into Tsunade's office reading the book like it was a recipe for the latest ramen flavour.

"So why did you give the boy such a book? Honestly Anko the child is only thirteen! He shouldn't be exposed to such material yet!"

Anko laughed despite the chastising. "This is coming from the Hokage that sat the boy down between two 'of age' kunoichi's and made him watch a porno."

Tsunade glared at the woman and slapped her desk. "You would be wise to remember your place girl. What I do to help Naruto is none of your business."

Anko snorted and rolled her eyes. "With all due respect Hokage-sama, your method didn't exactly do anything to help him. So I tried a similar technique. We still haven't even tested if it worked yet!"

Tsunade was just about to say something when a large figure filled up the window.

"Goooooooood morning everyone! Did you miss me?"

He tilted his head back and looked down his nose, the very figure of a man. Tsunade's eyes sparkled and Anko instantly dropped to her knees as his presence overwhelmed the star-struck girl. Naruto instantly snapped to attention and bowed respectfully to the man he was honoured to call sensei.

"Oh masterful Jiraiya-sama, it has been too long since you have left! I have been dreaming of you since the day you departed and my bed grows ever colder with each passing night! My heart cannot deny what is inside and for too long, I have ignored my true feeling for you. Please, take your princess now. I need your expert touch to satisfy my desires. Take me here, as I am!"

In a smooth movement, Tsunade ripped her shirt from her shoulders, revealing the mammoth bra that was barely holding back the blonds enormous chest. She pushed it towards the older man, eyebrows creased in desire, eyes glistening in the sunlight and her lips ever so slightly pursed, just waiting to be kissed.

Jiraiya, never to be insensitive to a needy woman, nodded sagely and reached out to take her chest in his hand, and leaned in for the kiss.

Now, what actually transpired outside of the delusional perverts head went something more like this.

He jumped into the window with a splat before moving to open it and toppled in. Staggering to his feet, he bypassed Naruto who was picking something massive deep in one nostril and a bored Anko who was looking out the window disinterestedly. He then babbled something about boobs and a woman's neither region before oozing forward. Not even looking at Tsunade's face, a red haze covered the old man's cheeks and he instantly reached a hand out to grab the impressive bulk of breast not too far from his head. Unfortunately for him though, he never quite made it as Tsunade's fist of reality quickly came crashing down onto his head and deposited him into an untidy mess on the floor. Shaking her head in disgust, the Hokage sighed.

"That filth never learns. Seriously, it's like he has a permanent Genjutsu placed over his head that activates when a woman is near."

Toeing him slightly, the Sannin groaned into the floorboards. Shaking her head again, Tsunade took her seat. She noticed with some irritation that Anko had moved over and started poking the felled man with a stick she had picked up from somewhere. Her eyebrow began twitching when Naruto laughed and took up a seat opposite to Anko and started poking him too. Glancing down at her hidden sake bottle, he saw it still had some left in it. Brilliant. Quick as a flash, she picked the bottle up, swigged the rest of it and had it back in its position before the others even noticed her flinch. She smiled smugly at her skill. The old girl hadn't lost her touch yet. Hearing another groan from the man, Tsunade looked over. Seemed he had finally come around. Snapping her fingers a few times, she managed to shoo away the two Shinobi pestering him.

"Right, Jiraiya, it's good you're finally back but there are more pressing concerns than your report at the moment."

Lifting himself from the floor, the man dusted himself down and looked at his superior. "Oh really? What poor defenceless lass needs my saving this time?"

Slapping her hand to her face, Tsunade tried ever so hard to retain her temper. "No. There is no girl that needs saving. It's Naruto. He is the problem."

Jiraiya looked back at the blond still digging around in his skull. "More of a problem than normal or just his usual mess?"

Signalling Naruto forward, Tsunade lifted Naruto's shirt up to reveal his seal. "More of a problem than normal. You see, just these past few days Naruto has actually lost control of his Oiroke no Jutsu, which is spasming out of control."

Jiraiya's pervy look returned full force as he remembered it. "Ah yes, brilliant technique that. So how do you mean he 'lost control' of it?"

Tsunade motioned for Naruto to explain. "Yeah, well, I just woke up a girl. I can't change back either when I'm stuck as one. Tsunade baa-chan thinks something weird is happening with each time I use chakra too. Not to mention old fluffy-wuffy's chakra spikes every time I change."

Jiraiya cocked an eyebrow. "It's actually Yoki but what would you care. Anyway, so you think something is up with the seal hey? Let me take a closer look..."

Leaning down, the old perve then noticed a very familiar book poking out of Naruto's pocket. Grinning broadly, he clapped Naruto's shoulder.

"About damn time you started getting into my literature boy!"

It was then Anko that spoke up before Tsunade got a chance. "Actually, more like trying to teach the little brat a bit of the birds n bees. For all of his hanging around you, he actually knows jack about sex and sexing. With this whole weird gender switch thing going on, he's really been getting interested in what happens down there."

Jiraiya's eyes widened in surprise. "No way! I have explained the finer side of women MANY times to him!"

Naruto just relocated his finger and started picking his ear. "I never paid any attention Ero-Sennin. You were always half cut when you tried to explain it and when 'boobs' and giggling is all I can get from you, it doesn't explain much."

Jiraiya went to say something but stopped, thought a moment and then conceded the point with a shrug. "Still, I'm sure you could have picked up more than that if you had paid attention. Anyway, how much of that book have you read?"

Naruto checked his bookmark. "'Bout twenty pages from the end."

Jiraiya smirked. "In that case, you should be an expert of the topic by now. How about a little test for my young student?"

Tsunade growled at Jiraiya. "We need you to check the seal. Not assess his sexual knowledge."

Jiraiya just tutted at his old team mate and shook a finger. "Ah, but it is important! Who's to say that some fine young kunoichi won't come along and flat out defeat him because he has never been taught this?"

Hearing the possibility of a complete defeat, Naruto instantly jumped onto his teacher and pulled him down by his jacket.

"You GOTTA give me this test! I cannot lose to anyone! Not now, not ever!"

Jiraiya motioned to the distraught Naruto and nodded slowly. "See? He needs this. It will only take a moment."

Leaning in, Jiraiya made eye contact with the boy. "Ok, I'm gona ask you a few questions and you gotta answer them as best as you can ok? After reading my book though, you should pass with flying colours."

Nodding determinedly, Naruto readied himself.

"Ok, what does a cow have four of that Tsunade has only two of?"

Naruto, after a moment said, "Legs."

Jiraiya looked over at Tsunade. The woman was glaring at him pointedly, promising death if he involved her again. Swallowing, Jiraiya decided to steer clear of any more Tsunade related questions.

Looking back down at Naruto, he continued. "What's in your pants that you have but Anko doesn't have?"

Anko grinned, thoroughly amused. Tsunade however, was not. She went to move in to slap the man until Naruto replied, "Pockets."

Eyebrows lifting in surprise, Jiraiya tried again. "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

At this point, Tsunade was ready to snap the old lecher's back over her knee. This was getting out of hand.

"Bubble gum."

And with that, even Tsunade looked at Naruto in mild shock. The answers were legitimate... but seriously?

Stealing himself, Jiraiya dropped another one. "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Taking a moment, Naruto replied, "Shake hands."

By now, Tsunade didn't even care about the questions. She was just too surprised with the answers Naruto was sprouting. Holding a hand up to silence the white haired man, Tsunade leaned in and then asked her own.

"Naruto, what word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

The three adults leaned forward in apprehension. Sure he couldn't get this wrong...

"Firetruck."

Leaning back into her seat Tsunade slapped her own face in disbelief. This child was a true enigma. Nothing anyone had told the boy seemed to stick! Looking over at her equally shocked friend Tsunade could do nothing but shake her head. The silence then claimed the room for a few moments until a small giggle broke it. It slowly grew until Naruto had tears in his eyes and was fighting for breath. The three adults just watched him, not even caring to think what was going through the blonds head. After a while though, Naruto finally settled himself down enough to talk.

"Haaaaa that was a good one. I got you all so good! You should have seen your faces!"

Looking at him curiously, Anko tussled his hair. "What do you mean kiddo? You sayin' you know the other answers?"

"Yup!" And instantly proceeded to re-answer the questions, in all their perverted glory. Once done, Anko and Jiraiya had a matching set of grins on their faces and Tsunade was fairly red cheeked, remembering that one of the questions was about her. Growling, she pointed at the door and glared at the conceited little kunoichi standing on the other side of her desk.

"You out. And you..."

She pointed at Jiraiya.

"You are to do your damn job of looking at Naruto's seal and making sure nothing is going wrong! Now hop to it before I start throwing things."

Knowing that Tsunade could throw things with enough power to decapitate a man, Anko instantly disappeared out the door and Jiraiya dropped to his knees.

"Alright, alright, Hime, don't get those delicious panties in a knot. Right, let's see what we're dealing with..."

Tracing Naruto's seal, Jiraiya began frowning and he reached deep into his coat before pulling out a wad of notes.

"There... there is something changing with the seal. It is only incredibly subtle, but something is definitely going on. I can't quite see... what it is though. The fourth was the master of this stuff as you already know so I'm gona have to double check some things to figure this out."

Quickly jotting down the new seal design, Jiraiya flicked his hand at Naruto in a dismissing motion. "You can leave. Go play house or something and then come back. It isn't all that big a change so it won't take me too long. Now shoo brat and let me work."

Looking over at his Hokage, Naruto saw her nod once and grinned. Leaping from the building, he giggled as Tsunade bellowed after him, "USE THE DAMN DOOR FOR ONCE YOU LITTLE RAT!"

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A/N – And here you go! Hope it went alright. And I really hope I got Jiraiya right. I just went as perve as I possibly could when thinking how to write him. I think it worked...

Anyway, I got assignments I should be doing now.

Lanky Nathan