Unliving

Chapter fourteen - Uncertainty

He sat in his armchair, looking out the window at the fading night. He held a glass of black wine in his left hand and his eyes were out of focus, in that hectic way that scared anyone who saw it. His fangs were sealed together in a tight, overwrought pose and he couldn't think of anything else but him. His dearest childe, who had betrayed him, and rejected him so many times. His beloved childe, for whom he had given up more than he thought he ever possessed.

"Sesshoumaru…" he hissed between his teeth, and his green, inhuman eyes glittered in the absolute darkness of his chambers. His thoughts raced towards him, and reached out to him, but he knew, he knew and it drained his soul that Sesshoumaru was with that woman. His insides felt like they were made out of fire and molting lava. He was burning quietly from inside out, but his white skin showed nothing of his pain, nothing of his torment.

It wasn't just desire, and it was more than love what he felt for him. He could even laugh at the thought of simple love, love like humans defined it. To give your life for someone, to sacrifice yourself… It meant nothing to him. What could a mortal's life mean? To give up an eternity… now that was more like it. To create a new life for your loved one, to unite them with you through an act of pure instinct and lust… To stay there, by their side, until the pain ceases its devastating damage, to offer your support, to desire such a complete and unbreakable bond… But Sesshoumaru didn't want to hear of it. He never did accept his idea.

Alexis took a sip from his glass of wine, and swallowed with difficulty. He resented the fact that Sesshoumaru didn't want his Kiss. It wouldn't have made any difference, after all. He was already obsessed with him. Alexis knew he was obsessed with Sesshoumaru, he thought about him every night, when he was waking, when he was feeding, whenever he was touching any other body that wasn't Sesshoumaru's. He wanted him there, by his side, as it used to be before he left their haven, so long ago…

"But you want her instead." he whispered to himself, and felt a sting in his throat. Wind was blowing dead leaves away from the tall trees in front of the inn, and Alexis sunk deeper into his seat, covering his face with his right hand. He sighed in an unusual manner, as if his soul had been torn apart by that last thought. Then he let out a whimper that could only be brought by pain, and Alexis realized he was clawing his own temple. Small puncturing wounds appeared on the side of his head, and he raised his head swiftly, clutching his hand on the seat, this time.

His ethereal eyes looked like glassy poison, as he dug his gaze into the depths of the night. Muncaster wasn't hat far off, but he couldn't go there now. Not now, although his very being cursed him because of this refusal. He had to see him, he had to feel him. There was no other way for him, now. He had no choice, and it tore at his soul to know he didn't want him.

Was he that bad? Was he so unworthy of Sesshoumaru's love? He didn't know, and that twisted his feelings with every waking second, it tore him to shreds, bits and pieces of him emotions falling onto the floor like the dead leaves blown from their safe places up in the trees.

"Sesshoumaru." he said, one last time, before heavily standing up and pulling the curtains to blind the light that was to come. He turned his back to the window and looked directly at the floor, fast memories flashing through his head and before his watery shaded eyes.

He shook his head and laid on the bed, after positioning the glass on the table. As he stretched his muscles, his slender body tensed but he felt the strain slipping away from him when he relaxed back. He placed a hand over his chest and turned his head to one side, his nose reaching the thick strands of black hair on the pillow. Morning was close, and he felt tired.

:---:

The dim light of twilight struggled to reach Kagome's bed, but there was no point. Crimson curtains fell heavy over the damaged windows, and the light couldn't pierce through. The clock was ticking without a worry in the world, as if it hadn't witnessed the collision from last night, as if the cold air in the room wasn't quietly creeping under her sheets, as if she were alone in the huge bed.

But she wasn't and her violet eyes met his sculpted features when she shot them open. His arm was holding her down by her waist, and she could feel his body against hers. She laid there in silence for a few minutes, not moving, shallowly breathing. He was motionless, and cold. A sudden feeling of something being utterly wrong with this situation washed over her, but Kagome decided to cast it aside, as she stared at his lips. They were barely holding any color. The only stains on his face were the stripes across his cheeks.

She was cold, from the contact with his body and from the air in the room, because with he windows damaged like that and the fire long dead, it was getting rather chilly inside. She vaguely wondered if Emma had attempted to enter the room in the morning. Did she have a key? Kagome didn't know, and the thought that the young maid did have a key made her a little nervous. They were quite a sight, embraced like that, in the bed. She smiled a little, and rubbed her eyes.

She had to warm up, or she'll get a cold. She carefully lifted Sesshoumaru's arm off her waist, as if she feared not to wake him, but his state was deeper than normal sleep. It was like a trance. She didn't know much about it. When her legs reached the thick carpet on the floor, she saw exactly how much they had both cared about their clothes, the night before. His coat, shirt and the rest of his clothes, as well as her torn T-shirt and her panties were resting on the floor, carelessly thrown from place to place.

She stood up and stretched, heading for the dresser, to pick out some clothes. She took out a green tank top and some panties, and headed for the bathroom.

The water made her become aware of every scrape, and she analyzed her body in the mirror. Her thighs held the most damage, as small needle like wounds were visible on each of them. The remainder of blood trailed down her skin, and she washed it down, following her curves upward, to her ribs. From place to place, small bruises adorned her skin and she moved her shoulders, feeling a little uncomfortable. Her entire body was sore, like she'd just made a huge effort.

She caught the back of her neck as she let water slid into her hair and damp it, then trail down her aching body. A warm, tingly feeling rose inside her as she thought of the night before, and she smiled despite her soreness. The only place she didn't feel sore in was… Kagome went crimson at her own thoughts, and hated her reaction the next second. She was really annoyed by her blushing all the time, but she couldn't help it.

As she exited the bathroom, dressed only in her panties and the tank top and towel drying her hair, Kagome took a quick look at the clock. It was almost 6 pm. She wondered if the sun was down by now, and decided not to check. It probably was. Another quick look, this time towards Sesshoumaru, answered her question. The sun was down, because he was up. His gold eyes were set on her, and she again thought they looked like angry bees, ready to sting at the slightest motion. She stopped her movement around the room, and stared back. He was considerably better at it, though. Mostly because he wasn't doing it on purpose, it came naturally for him.

She didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything. She just waited, and looked at him as he stood up on his elbows. Sesshoumaru tilted his head to one side, then to the other, until the stiff sensation in his neck disappeared. Then he stretched his arms up, the dark red sheets gliding down to his waist. Kagome knew how her face looked like. She was simply staring at him, enjoying the view, but he didn't seem to mind. He passed his tongue over his fangs and narrowed his eyes a little.

"Come." he said, and a simple word from him drove butterflies through her stomach. His voice was husky and lower than usual. She complied and stopped just before the edge of the bed.

Sesshoumaru threw her a glimpse then lifted the edge of her tank top, and Kagome thought 'Oh, no you don't! I can't do it again so soon, you'll kill me!' But he only seemed to inspect her skin, passing his fingers over her ribs. His eyes went further down, and she thought he let out a small laugh at the sight of her baby blue panties with the "Save the whales!" message written on the front. They also showed a small cartoon baby whale. She liked them, they were happy panties, and she wasn't about to let him make fun of her.

His gold eyes rose towards her and Kagome widened her eyes.

"What?" she said, but he only quirked an eyebrow, and resumed his analysis, now fingering the marks on her thighs.

"They don't hurt." she said, and allowed his hands to rest on her legs. He looked up at her and Kagome was smiling. She didn't even look like herself. She looked more like a child, than the woman he'd made love to the night before, and that confused him a little. Or maybe he just didn't know her enough. Her expression shifted and she placed a hand on the top of his head. Sesshoumaru was having trouble distinguishing what he felt. Maybe it was peace, but he couldn't really say.

Her attitude wasn't like he'd ever seen in her, she was so calm, so self conscious, and relaxed, nothing like the storm she usually was, nothing like the wild, untamed feline he knew she could be. It was strange, witnessing all her different… sides. But not unpleasant. He realized he was staring and that she was probably cold.

"Get dressed." he said in that commanding tone he was so accustomed to using, and she resisted the urge to roll back her eyes. Instead she put on e loose sweater and those ragged jeans of hers, the ones that Ethan seemed to dread so much the day she'd arrived at Muncaster. Suddenly, she realizes that she hadn't seen Ethan for some time, and Sabrya either, Sesshoumaru's hanyou chauffeur. That young woman was a little too strange for Kagome's liking. Too joyful and too conceited.

"May I ask you something?" She said, as she pulled on some socks, and Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow. She took it as a yes, and continued.

"Does anyone at Muncaster know you're a… vampire?" she finally worded out, and he seemed not to want to answer. But he eventually did.

"No." That was all he said, and Kagome found that their recent closeness changed absolutely nothing in the amount of words that he was addressing her. Maybe he just wasn't much of a talker. It was not that unusual, after all. She closed in on the bed, and he followed her with his eyes, ending up looking at her from under his eyebrows as she stood just before him. Kagome placed her hands against her hips, something she remembered her mother used to do when she wasn't pleased with something. The memory of her mother left her with a bittersweet feeling, but she tried to keep on task.

"What's with Sabrya? Where is she?"

"Sabrya?" he repeated, and Kagome tilted her head.

"She has other tasks, than to be a chauffeur. Actually, she is my personal secretary, and manages my meeting quite responsibly, I might add. She is currently in London." His tone was even, as if he was talking about the weather. Well, truth be told, Sesshoumaru's tone was almost all the time this even. One wouldn't say he was standing in her bed, only half covered by sheets. He might as well have been in a meeting room, with his staff, ordering them around. He was amazing…

Kagome sat beside him on the bed, and Sesshoumaru slightly moved his head towards her.

'Not a movement to many.' she thought, and began to feel awkward. He was too cold, too distant. Actually, he was equally distant, but she expected him to lighten up, to be more relaxed with her after… Seemingly, relaxing just wasn't one of his favorite activities. So she tried to ignore it, although she knew that sooner or later it'll bug her to no end and ask him what was so wrong with relaxing. But not yet.

"May I ask you something else?" Her eyes were wide open and he thought she looked like Rin when she was asking for permission to go look for flowers on the field. That memory almost made him smile, but he held back, and delicately cleared his throat before answering.

"You may ask me as many questions as you like. I do not guarantee I will answer them all to your suiting, though." he said, and she took it as encouragement enough.

"Was it just my imagination, or was Alexis trying to… drink your…"

"Yes, he was." his voice was, again as steel.

"Why?" she couldn't get it. What good could that do? Was it just because Alexis was in love or how-the-hell-ever he was with Sesshoumaru? She couldn't place his gesture.

"Drinking a kindred's blood for three times makes you become infatuated with them. In love, or however you want to put it. In short, the kindred who drank the blood is under the other's command in everything, one would have to say the word, and the other would obey. Some kindred use it with their mates, and as seldom as that may occur, it is a very strong bond, which makes the ones involved dependant on each other. If they both drink the other's blood, that is." Kagome began to understand.

"So why would Alexis want to drink your blood? Wouldn't it be in his benefit to make you drink his?"

"Make me?" Sesshoumaru quirked an eyebrow, as if such a thought was ridiculous. She shrugged her shoulders.

"He is stronger than I am, he would manage it better, and by this he believes he would convince me to… be with him." The difficulty with which he had said the last words let Kagome know exactly how appealing the thought was to Sesshoumaru.

"Has he done it before?" She waited for his answer, almost afraid of it.

"He has." Kagome swallowed, not wanting to picture the situation. But her imagination was too vivid, and her native curiosity too great.

"When? How?"

He just looked at her with intent, and she saw he wasn't too comfortable with talking about it. He took almost a minute to answer, in which time he turned his eyes to the curtains falling over the window.

"When I was turned. The fledgling, the young vampire, must spend some time in the company of his Sire, learning the ways of The Kindred, before he can stand on his own feet. Alexis was… is very fond of me. But he had been ever since we first met, even before he'd turned me." He frowned and passed his claws through his long silver hair, detangling the strands with a swift and elegant motion that Kagome thought no human could achieve.

He raised his face and took that proud stance she loved so much in him, slightly curving his eyebrows upward from the corners.

"Alexis is more than he seems, in both a bad and a good way, Kagome. I do not expect you to understand someone like him, it took me two hundred years until I found that out, and I still cannot reason with him, at times. We are close though, and I believe we will always be."

Kagome felt a little bit of jealousy bite her on the heart, but she drowned it silently back inside herself.

She wanted to ask, but didn't know if he would answer… or answer the truth. However, she couldn't help asking. She was a journalist, it was in her blood.

"How close were you?" Sesshoumaru didn't look at her, but only smiled in the corner of his mouth, a smile that suited him like a glove. It was the only kind of smile that suited his proud stance, even now. He reached for his clothes and put them on silently.

Finding that his shirt was left without its buttons, he left it hanging parted, out from his pants, and he headed for the window. He pulled from the curtains and the night spread inside like smoke. The room was somewhat dark, but Kagome's eyes had become accustomed with the lack of light in Muncaster. It was never well lit, although it didn't lack the means.

He turned towards her and set his eyes on hers.

"I did not sleep with him." His frank answer was more than Kagome was expecting. She widened her eyes and opened her mouth to protest, but she realized it would have been futile. He knew that's what she'd thought, and there was really no point in denying it.

So she closed her mouth back, only letting out air. Sesshoumaru didn't seem to mind her assumptions, though.

"He first Kissed me, vampire Kiss that is, when I was very young, barely a few years in vampire age, and I did not know what that implied, at the time. Then, the second time it was… I believe four hundred years later." He said, narrowing his eyes at some unseen ghost from the past, over her shoulder.

"I will not allow it to take place for the third time. It was a weakness even for the second." With that, his face became like solid rock, so unmoving that Kagome almost didn't recognize him.

"So it doesn't matter how much time passes in between?"

"It does not."

"Oh." she whispered, but she was still confused. Vampires had the most unusual customs.

"So do you think he'll be like… jealous, or something, because…" she was barely managing to let the words out, but she had to know what to expect. Alexis wasn't someone to mess with, and in light of recent events between her and Sesshoumaru, she was really put on the spot here.

Sesshoumaru only narrowed his eyes. It was his favorite thing, as it seemed.

"Alexis doesn't love me like mortals do, Kagome. His desire is beyond sexual, and he does not see you as a threat, as long as I do not give him any reason to. For now, he does not really believe that you are to become my childe. He has better instincts than that, and he does know something is off in our situation. It will only be a matter of time until he realizes what I want you for."

Kagome didn't like his answer. For at least two reasons. One, it meant Alexis would eventually see her as a threat, and two, it implied that Sesshoumaru only wanted her for his transformation back into youkai. She wasn't too comfortable with hearing that. But upon closer inspection, she'd never heard him say anything that would make her think he cared, really cared for her as an individual, and not for what she meant, what she could do for him. He'd never promised her anything in regard with a relationship; she herself had mocked the idea, because they were so different.

So, why was she this broken, now? Why did some part of her expect him to treat her affectionately? Maybe that was the extent of his affection. Maybe he was simply not capable of more. But he'd said he could love. He could. Just not her. Who was to say? Maybe he did love Alexis, and maybe he was to become… She didn't wanna think about it. It was too painful.

'Painful? Huh… This is new! Higurashi, don't you dare fall for him! It was just sex!'

But she'd never slept with someone she didn't love, in her life. What was she thinking? She'd never slept with anyone but Inuyasha and she really did love him, at that time. Now… she didn't know anymore. She could bet he didn't either. Their relationship wasn't passionate for some time now, but neither cared to break it.

They were more like friends than lovers, they could talk for hours and she could honestly say he was her best friend. Nobody saw her better than Inuyasha did. But they couldn't be lovers. Not anymore. So she decided to talk to him the day she would be back in Tokyo.

Sesshoumaru was following the dance of emotion upon her face, and the unfocused look in her violet eyes. She'd come to a conclusion, and he wondered what she was thinking about. What was that conclusion she was so determined upon?

"I have been meaning to give you this for some time now." his voice cut through the line of her thoughts and made her look at him a little confused. Sesshoumaru was holding a small black case. it was about the size of a wallet, and Kagome's first thought was that it held some jewelry.

She frowned in disbelief, not expecting him to be the type that does that kind of gesture. But as he opened the case, she could see a silver necklace with what seemed to be a miniature knife at the end. Kagome bent her head to take a better look at the strange object. It was actually a cross, with a sharpened end that made you think it was a knife. It was certainly a blade in which one could cut themselves. Beside it laid the sheathe, made from the same sparkling silver. It wasn't bigger than her index finger, and at the top of the cross, a crescent moon was carved into the silver.

Kagome fingered the weird object, and then looked up at him.

"What is this?"

"Protection." he said in that simple manner of his, and he pulled the necklace out from its place, sheathing the small knife in its wrap. The chain was delicate, but strong, and she felt his cold hands on the back of her neck as he pulled the damp hair to one side, to tie it around her neck. The cross fell down between her breasts, and she took an awkward look at it.

"Didn't you say that vampires don't give a rat's ass about crosses?" she asked, and he could almost smile. However, he didn't.

"It is not against vampires."

"Then?"

"Werewolves."

Kagome's eyes widened and she took in a deep breath.

"Oh, I think that if a werewolf would want me dead, this little thing wouldn't stop him."

"That is precisely why we shall be training you in swordsmanship, starting tonight." Her uncertain expression showed exactly how much she thought she could learn.

"Also, I would like you to try and connect to Tenseiga again. See what you feel like." Kagome looked at his serious face and understood this was no laughing matter. If it could get Sesshoumaru worried enough to start training her, it must be severe.

She nodded, and he did the same, only more elegantly.

"Okay, when do we start?"

"First of all, you have to eat something." A small ache in her stomach agreed with him, and she had to comply. Dinner was welcomed, at any given moment.

:---:

One hour later, Kagome was staring at the wall in the weaponry room. Tenseiga stood there, safely pinned to the wall, next to Tokijin. She could remember how it felt to hold that sword. Her entire body was responding to the call. it was so powerful, it scared her. She took in a deep breath and reached for it. Sesshoumaru was leaning against the same wall, looking at her. As if she needed any more reasons to be nervous! Those gold eyes were as unsettling as always, and every now and then, she thought a wave of lust washed over them. Great! Now she couldn't focus anymore!

'Get a grip, Higurashi!' she thought, and gave herself a mental high five.

She unsheathed the sword and waved it around a few times, hoping she wasn't too clumsy with it. It was an ancient and enchanted weapon, after all, and she didn't think she was the proper one to be handling it, but even so… If he thought her to be, she could live with it.

As she was staring down the length of the blade, wondering if that previous call was just her imagination, she felt a tug at her senses, and Tenseiga pulsed, first shyly, then more and more powerful, until it directed her hand towards him. Sesshoumaru raised his chin and took a mindful look at his sword. He didn't make any other movement, though. His hands were crossed over his chest. Luckily, as she was having dinner, he found the time to change clothes, and his chest wasn't uncovered. Kagome couldn't but be happy about it. Enough distractions for one day!

The same warm feeling invaded her and her breath became fast and uneven as she could feel the words inside her very being.

Save him… Save him…

The same words. This time, she knew what they meant. She knew what Tenseiga wanted from her, but still she couldn't hold back her emotions, she was nervous as hell. Her hand began trembling as she raised the sword to him and pointed it to his heart. Sesshoumaru was analyzing her reaction. He knew what it felt like when Tenseiga wanted to save someone, against his wish. It was so intrusive, so persistent, that even he couldn't deny the sword's wish. He had been forced to comply a few times, although he wasn't too happy with admitting that particular fact.

Now, the sword was guiding Kagome, who had so little youkai blood inside her, and so little knowledge of youkai ways. He sincerely wondered if she would be able to handle it, the power, the grip Tenseiga had on the wielder's soul, at the moment it brought back a life.

Her attention was focused on the blade, and her entire body was tensed. it was clearly hard on her to take the sword's pulse.

Kagome felt invaded, she felt like a different blood was flowing inside her, and her lungs were burning with every breath. She swallowed and her throat felt thick. She frowned and breathed fast.

"Settle your heartbeat, Kagome." his voice felt like ice over burning flesh, and it hit her like a bullet. She opened her eyes widely and tried to do as he said. But her body wouldn't obey. Her hand was shaking as she felt Tenseiga gather power to heal its master, she felt the strength slip from her body and flow through the handle of the weapon, inside the blade of Heaven.

She whimpered and grabbed the handle with both hands, throwing Sesshoumaru a desperate look. She couldn't take it anymore. He sprung forward and grabbed the sword by the blade, pulling it from her shaky hands, and catching her just before she lost consciousness. He bent and laid the sword on the ground, focusing on her face.

"Kagome." he said, and she tried to respond, but choked instead. She turned to one side and coughed.

"I'm okay. I just didn't have… Sorry." she ended up saying, and he touched her face with the tips of his fingers. A gentle touch that showed that he was mostly holding back than showing he cared for her.

"It is alright. It was to be expected."

"Uh-huh." she mumbled, and stood up. She tried to smile, but she was too drained.

"Do you want to rest for a few minutes?"

"Yeah…" she said, a little embarrassed, and he nodded, leading her to a large armchair in the room.

"Better luck next time, I guess." she said.

"All in due time." Sesshoumaru answered, and she couldn't help but allowing his words to echo inside her head.

All in due time…

Will it ever be time for her to love him? She didn't know.

:---: