Unliving

Chapter fifteen - Go back

She was looking at him in her usual manner, as if his face could actually express something. But Sesshoumaru didn't care to show emotion. His eyes were set outside, on the trees bending under the wind, on the leaves flying around in unforeseen patterns, all over the place. He was imagining how they rested on the cold pavement in front of Muncaster, how the dim light from the spotlights lighting the castle embraced the small dead things.

He was thinking about how he would never find that kind of peace, that kind of simple peace…

Kagome followed his eyes outside, and she realized he was deep in thought. She didn't want to disturb him, so she just bent her legs under her, and took another sip from the hot teacup she held, enjoying the warmth from the fireplace. Sesshoumaru was standing still near the window, his left hand holding up the curtain, and his head slightly bowed.

His profile was serious, almost solemn, and he was certainly preoccupied. After her collision with Tenseiga, he decided not to tire her further more with a sword handling lesson. Not tonight. Kagome complied, but she could still see he wasn't feeling quite like himself. She didn't like being left on the outside. This situation was beginning to bug her.

"I start to wonder if you really are the right one, Kagome."

She flinched, and frowned at the cold tone of his voice. But she didn't say anything. She just waited for him to explain what he'd just said. Her breath became hastier though, and her small delicate hands clutched onto the teacup.

Then, his lips began moving ever so gently, in a murmur she could barely make out, but still drove shivers up her spine.

"When pain of soul will drop as water

And cries from dead will fill her ears

When blood will drench the healing daughter

Your feelings will surpass all fears.

Then you shall open your abyss

And save the healer with your kiss

Then she shall rise and take your death

And you will cease to be possessed."

Sesshoumaru stood there silent for a few moments, in which Kagome could hear her own heartbeat hitting against her chest.

"What is that?" she could barely hear herself speaking because of the thunder inside her chest. Her eyes were narrowed in refusal to believe the words to be exactly what they seemed to be.

"The Prophecy." he answered so simply.

Kagome clenched her teeth. She was afraid he'd say something like this.

"Where did you hear it from?" she was speaking slowly as her eyes set on his features. He was serious, and seemed somehow troubled, although Kagome couldn't tell if he was upset or not. He was not the easiest one to read…

"I found it… five hundred years ago, in Kikyo's room. After I discovered her burnt body in the forest." he turned towards Kagome completely, and walked to the edge of her seat, looking her in the eye. He seemed so composed, no… so unaffected, so cold and uncaring that she was almost afraid to sustain his look. Sesshoumaru bent and leaned over her, his arms on either side of her body, on the armchair. Kagome looked up at him and decided he was being weird.

"How did she know…"

"She did. That is all you need to know." Kagome was about to get angry, but the eerie look in his golden eyes made her stop. She could barely keep her head clear, that's how intrusive his eyes had become. In a matter of seconds, she was reduced to a still figure in the huge armchair, with this vampire hovering over her, and she didn't know if she should be afraid of the glassy spark in his eyes.

"Sesshoumaru… What's wrong?" She held on to the teacup like it would have been her life saver… her boat in the middle of an ocean. Sesshoumaru traced his claws on her cheek. He was looking at her like she was a strange creature, something he'd never seen before, something he would want to dissect and analyze. Kagome swallowed and widened her eyes a little, as she felt her hands grow cold.

"What… does that mean?" she managed to ask, and Sesshoumaru narrowed his yes and bent further down, catching the back of her neck and pulling her a little towards him.

"It means… if you're the one to save me, I must kill you, and then resurrect you. But you see…" he let go of her neck and placed a fingertip on her bottom lip "… if you're not the right one, and I kill you…"

"I stay dead." she concluded, finally understanding why she was growing colder and colder.

He leaned towards her like he wanted to kiss her, and Kagome was actually expecting him to, as strange as that would have been, but he didn't. He stopped an inch from her lips, and whispered:

"Would you die for me?" Hell broke lose inside her chest, as her heart went mad. She stopped breathing for a few seconds, as she felt her blood freeze inside her veins. She couldn't think anymore. How could he ask something like that? And more important, what did he expect her to say? Yes? That would have been madness! She didn't want to die! Especially if it was for nothing!

So she shot her eyes up at him and breathed out fast.

"Are you serious?"

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes for a second and parted from her, heading towards the window again.

"Never mind."

Kagome frowned, and placed the teacup on the small table beside her. She pushed her body up and walked hastily behind him, grabbing Sesshoumaru by his sleeve and turning him around forcefully, to look her in the eye.

"Are you serious? Would you have to kill me to find out if you're still a vampire, or if your youkai blood came back to you?" She'd said it all in one breath, and her violet eyes were stabbing him with every second they looked up at him. Sesshoumaru felt something bitter spread inside him and he figured it must have been regret. What for, he didn't know, and he really didn't want to find out.

"No, I mean I must kill you as a vampire, then call my youkai blood back and revive you. If I manage to do that, then my youkai blood will prove stronger than this undead form I find myself in at the moment, and I will remain youkai. If not, I fall back into this form, and you die." Kagome was looking at him like he would have been a little green alien. His words were cold and calculated, as was his entire person. Could he really care so little about her? Could their night together have meant nothing to him? She suddenly felt used in the utmost manner.

"But… why me?"

"After I revive you, you will have to finish the fight for me. You can hear Tenseiga. Even if I call you back from the other world, there is still a chance that I may die doing that. If my body rejects the collision between the two natures, I will be literally torn apart. My body will show its age and a thousand year body is not a pretty sight. I will either decompose in a matter of seconds, or bleed to death through every scar I have on my body. The wounds will open once more and I will bleed until the youkai blood will be drained. This way, my body will reject the youkai nature, but it will not be able to take the vampire form anymore."

It was maybe the longest phrase he'd ever said, and the most shocking. So, as far as Kagome could figure it out, they had to save each other's lives. She was speechless. How do you respond to something like that? What could she possibly say? Yes? I will die and come back for you? Yes? I will take the chance to die for good, for you? Did she love him that much? Did she love him at all?

Kagome forced her eyes to stay on his, but the cold glassy surface of Sesshoumaru's golden stare hurt her like an open wound. He could just stay here, in front of her, and ask her to die for him, so uncaring, and so completely unaffected… It wasn't right, something was off, and she wanted to know what he felt, what he really thought about this entire situation. He couldn't be this heartless he couldn't be this cruel. At least, not to her. She refused to believe it.

"You said I may not be the right one. How can you tell? What does it take for me to be the right one? Does it have something to do with Tenseiga?"

Sesshoumaru had to put his entire willpower into keeping his composed expression as unwavering as possible. He didn't want to show her what he felt like. He never wanted to show anyone what he felt like, but with Kagome this task was sometimes impossible to perform. No, not this time. He had to keep his mask on, at all costs. He didn't really know where this was heading… or maybe he did, maybe he subconsciously wanted it, but didn't care to admit it… Who knew? He was too tired to think about it.

"No. It has something to do with myself."

Kagome didn't understand. So she was preparing to ask him for an explanation, but Sesshoumaru's cutting voice silenced her.

"I do not care for you enough for it to work."

There was a painful moment of silence in Kagome's head and heart. She wasn't prepared to hear this. She could have heard anything from him, and it would have hurt her less that this. Anything, but not this. She clenched her teeth and dug her nails in the palm of her hands. Her entire body was tense, and she was struggling not to shiver, although she couldn't tell if she was doing a good job or not, because the room started to spin around her and she couldn't think straight anymore. In that very moment, she knew she loved him, she was sure that she did, because her reaction wouldn't have been this violent if she hadn't. She wouldn't have felt so betrayed, and so alone, if she wouldn't have loved him. She'd been a fool to think someone like him could love her… or could love anyone, in the way she understood love.

'And I was so sure I didn't love him… I was so sure I didn't want to love him…' she didn't want to cry, she didn't even want to punish him for what he'd done… Not anymore. Because it wasn't his fault. It was entirely hers and hers alone. She shouldn't have allowed any of this to happen. She should have run away from this place from second one she found out about what he was. But now it was too late.

"How… is that important?" she almost choked on the words, but she wanted to know, she had to know!

Sesshoumaru gave her a mindful look and searched her eyes for what he thought should rest there, at the time. But he didn't find it. Her eyes were only pained, and somewhat hollow. No anger, no resent. She didn't hate him, she was only… disappointed. And he thought that was good too. Anything that would drive her away from there, from him, was good.

"Tenseiga only works if whomever uses it cares for the person the want to revive, or at least if the heart of the swordsman may carry some amount of compassion." he stopped there, knowing that she would understand. He didn't want to hurt her more that he had to. His feelings raged against what he was saying, but the turmoil inside Sesshoumaru was well caged by his cold stance. So Kagome saw only what he wanted to show her.

Sometime between their night together and her handling Tenseiga for the second time, Sesshoumaru had had a change of heart. He put in balance their lives, his and hers, he looked at how lively and young she was, and how bitter and cold he was. He saw how she simply shone with every second she lived, what wonderful power she released, and how she managed to make even him care for her. Because he did care, and maybe he could even love, like mortals did. But then, he compared her to himself, and decided that her life wasn't worth risking for his own. Her life meant more, and he wasn't gonna drag her in a war that was not hers. She had to go.

"I see." her voice was dim, but determined. She knew she didn't belong there, she knew she wasn't supposed to be by his side, no matter how much they had both tried to twist facts. It was obvious she wasn't meant for his world no more than he was for hers.

"Are you willing to just give up, then?" Sesshoumaru was simply looking at her coldly. The same cold stare she saw the first time she looked into his gold eyes. His features showed nothing, and she wondered how on Earth could he be this uncaring, how could he… after all that he's told her, after all he'd… She shook her head. What was the point? Just a day ago, they were both so determined to do something, to try at all costs… and now…

"I thought about it, and there is no point to attempt something that has no chance to start with. The important element here is compassion, maybe even love. I do not feel that. I cannot…" he stopped as if his lips were burnt, and she threw him a confused look.

"It's sudden." Kagome said, slightly lifting her chin to him and desperately trying to catch some emotion on his face. But she didn't.

"It is what needs to be done. If I would have thought you could do this, I would have asked it of you. As it is…"

"So, will you remain like this forever? Vampire? Is this what you want?" Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes a notch and struggled against the wavering in his voice when he spoke.

"There is no other way. Perhaps you are simply not the one who I was meant to… care for." His distance was too much to take. Kagome was helpless against the tears that rolled down her cheeks, but she refused to even blink. She hoped against hope that she would see something, anything in his eyes that would convince her he was lying. This couldn't be true, it simply couldn't!

"You should return…" she cut his sentence with a husky voice, drowned in bitterness and disbelief.

"Then pray tell me great Lord what was that night about? What were all those kisses about? What did you bring me here for, and why did you tell me all those things? Why, Sesshoumaru? Why? Didn't you have enough dolls to play with around here? Did you want a strong minded one? Well I am strong minded, and I don't buy it, do you hear me? This is stupid and I don't buy it! What's going on? Why won't you let me try…" She couldn't finish, her pace became hastier and hastier, and finally she choked on her own words. He grabbed her arm and pulled her a little towards himself.

His eyes locked onto hers and Kagome felt helpless again, powerless, as if her will had been suppressed, pushed back into a corner of her mind. Sesshoumaru's golden stare dug deep into her will and broke into pieces.

He had a moment of hesitation, in which his hand trembled on her arm, but he clenched his teeth and managed to gain control once again. After all this was what he did best. Control.

"Leave, Kagome." Her sad whimper filled the silent room, and Sesshoumaru's hollow soul. He let go of her arm and she almost fell to the floor.

"You're cruel." she said, and he bit on his teeth again. He was supposed to stay silent, but he couldn't manage to.

"You have no idea." he said flatly, but she didn't understand what he meant. Kagome's hand covered her mouth and she took a long silent look at the one she loved against both her and his will. She couldn't say anything to him, anymore. What was left to say? She didn't understand his decision, so suddenly taken; she could never understand him, as she saw it. So she turned on her feet and left. She just wanted to be alone; she wanted to leave Muncaster and Sesshoumaru behind, and her tears dried on her face as she ran up the stairs to her room, to pack her bags as fast as she could.

:---:

It was raining again, but Sesshoumaru didn't see it. He didn't see the leaves flying around in circles, sticking to the wet window glass, resting on the pavement outside the castle, he couldn't feel the warmth from the fire in the room, and he didn't even miss it. What was the point, now? She was gone. He might as well have killed the flames anyway. He was cold as it was, and he would never be anything else. Sesshoumaru frowned, clawing the dark red curtains. His eyes were out of focus, as they strayed over the darkened gardens of Muncaster. He felt… alone. He let out a fast breath, as the car departed, putting a painful, ever growing distance between himself and her. He didn't believe this would hurt so much. He closed his gold eyes and turned his head to the side, refusing, rejecting this feeling that had invaded him so suddenly, so abusively.

"Goodbye." he whispered, and turned his back to the stained window, as the car passed through the iron gates of his domain.

Kagome held her hands in her lap, and her head was downcast. The muffled noise of the engine was constant and somewhat confusing. She held her eyes half open as she fought her tears. Lost was what she felt like. She wasn't even able to hate him for what he'd done to her. She would never be able to hate him, and she knew it all too well that she could never forget about him. But… she was helpless against his wish. Her sad eyes gazed out the back window, just as Muncaster went out of her sight. On the other side of the castle, the sky was cut by a red ribbon that stated sunrise was close. The sky was bleeding, and Kagome turned her face from it.

"Why?" she mouthed in vain, expecting no answer. She just wanted to understand… She covered her face with her hands, and remained in that position until Sabrya's cutting voice announced they were at the airport. Kagome shot her head up and barely managed to walk straight for as long as it took her to reach the boarding gate. Everything was blurry. She said goodbye to Sabrya in a distant manner, as if it were someone else talking for her, she gave the flight attendant her ticket as if there was someone else controlling her body. She was a spectator to her own actions, all she could do was watch as the world happened around her, dragging her along with it, forcing her to react, but she didn't care to. She had to write that damn report, and the story, and then… and then what? Maybe she'll go away, somewhere, because she felt drained. She felt like she needed a break, she wanted to be alone.

:---:

Tokyo was crowded as always, bursting with life, activity, and everyone in a hurry. Kagome struggled to reach the main entrance from Higurashi Inc., across the street from where she'd parked her car. Her arms were carrying a few dozens of files, as it seemed, and a leather backpack. At last, she reached the front entrance, and made her way to the elevator, absentmindedly waving to one of the guards, whom she knew.

After a few seconds, the elevator doors opened with that heavy metallic sound that she hated, an impressive crowd emerging from the small room. Kagome stepped to one side to avoid being stepped on. As soon as she could see the back of the elevator chamber, she stepped inside, a similar crowd following her in. She god squished all the way up to the last floor, where Kazuki had his office, but she endured it with great bravery, and managed to keep calm. Finally, when the doors opened for the last floor, she stepped out, and so did everyone else, each taking their respective paths.

Kagome turned left and walked down the hallway until she found Sango's neat office waiting in a round opening of the corridor. The young woman was obviously very focused on her task, because Kagome had to sit on the edge of her office for Sango to notice her.

"Kagome! God, you've scared me? Back so soon?" Sango jumped up from her seat to give Kagome a hug, and a kiss on the cheek.

"Yeah, so much for Muncaster…" Kagome tried to act normally, but the simple fact that she'd given up on her purpose at Muncaster was alarming to Sango, who eyed her friend suspiciously.

"You're looking a little pale. Weather didn't agree with you?" Sango raised her eyebrows in an expression of amusement and concealed concern.

Kagome waved off her worry, and shook her head.

"The company didn't agree with me. I'll tell you, those people…"

"Kagome?" Kazuki was standing in the huge doorframe of his office, staring at his daughter.

"Back already?" he asked, and Kagome rolled her eyes back.

"For God's sake, Kazuki, are you all so happy to see me? Don't burst with joy or anything! Geez…" Higurashi sama shook his head, and walked to his daughter, giving her a proper embrace… maybe too proper for what Kagome needed at the time.

"Welcome back." the man said, and then took a look at the papers in her hands.

"Arigato." Kagome mumbled, and then noticed her father's glimpse.

"Oh, I forgot you value this crap more that me." Kazuki frowned at the undeserved and highly unexpected attack, and instinctively grabbed the paperwork Kagome had shoved in his hands.

"Kagome…" Sango whispered, covering her mouth with her hand. Higurashi sama really wasn't the man to deserve such a harsh reproach, but it was obvious that Kagome wasn't in the best of moods. And when that happened, everyone, everyone knew they should better stay away and just give her some space.

Kazuki narrowed his eyes.

"Will you step inside for a few minutes?" He turned halfway towards the open doors, and gestured to the office. Kagome shrugged her shoulders and walked inside, waving at Sango as she passed by her. Kazuki exchanged a confused look with his secretary, who simply widened her eyes and delicately shrugged herself.

The president of Higurashi Inc. closed the heavy doors behind him and headed for his chair, behind the mahogany desk. He leaned forward and eyed his daughter, who had an absent air to her, as if she wouldn't have cared about anything in the world.

"What happened?" Kazuki hissed and Kagome shrugged again, looking out the window. She was seated on the large chair in front of her father's desk.

"I brought you your report, I wrote my story… I'm back. That's all." she said flatly, without so much as glancing at her father. Kazuki had that look upon his face, like he smelled something rotten, but couldn't quite grasp it. He rubbed his beard and caught his chin, before talking to her again.

"And…?"

"And what? That's it." she looked at him with an annoyed expression, frowning and clenching her teeth.

"Look, Kazuki, I don't know what more do you want. I did it, now I'd like to go home if you don't mind. I'm really tired and I could use a break. I promise I'll be back here in a few days or so, so you can kill my patience and my youth with your demands for succession, but not now, alright?" Her attitude was really confusing. Where was the determined Kagome, who was excited about her work and who eluded all tasks that didn't suit her wishes? Higurashi sama realized he would have taken that Kagome over this one any day.

"What in the name of God happened to you back there? Kagome…"

She stood up and cut his sentence.

"Nothing, dad. I'm just tired. Please, leave me alone right now, I need to go home and… I just need to go home." she concluded, rubbing her forehead. She felt so beaten, and so weak that it scared her. This world didn't even seem real to her anymore, it was so different from everything she'd lived in these past weeks that her entire life felt like a lie.

Kazuki didn't buy it. But he knew that pushing Kagome to tell him something would only result in getting her angry, and getting them into a fight. That he didn't want. So he swallowed his concern and allowed her to leave.

"See ya later." she said weakly while she exited his office, leaving Kazuki with a heavy heart and a suspicious feeling inside his chest. And he really didn't like what he was suspecting. His sigh told it all, although there was no one there to listen anymore.

'You left me all alone with her, my dear. You went away so early before your time and she's so lonely now…'

:---:

The doors closed with a click behind Kagome, who looked around the empty room and sighed. Inuyasha wasn't here yet. Of course, he wasn't back from that business trip he'd gone to. When was he to come back? She didn't know, and she didn't care. Or, maybe she was too tired to care, because she did love him, even if not like a lover anymore. She did love him.

Her head fell to her chest and Kagome dropped her keys on the wooden floor. A violent rumble filled her chest and the pain took over her. She wanted to scream it out, to cry it out, only if it was to get out of her somehow, but it didn't. She bit on her teeth and growled, she cried with hiccups, she clenched her fists so tight that she hurt herself… but the pain, the hollow pain inside her chest still wouldn't die. It wouldn't die, it wouldn't even dim…

"How could you…" she whispered, out of breath, as her tears dried on flushed cheeks, and dark strands of hair stuck to her skin. Kagome gathered herself from the floor and crashed on the bed. She didn't know how long it had been before she heard his deep voice, and felt his warm hand over her face.

"Kagome?" It took a few seconds for her to react, and open her eyes. A pair of gold eyes were watching her with concern, from the absolute darkness of the room. It was night time already…

"Yume-Kagome, you're back…" he caressed her cheek, and Kagome's breath sped up its pace, until she couldn't hold back her sobs, and she reached for him, catching his waist and holding him tight.

"Yume-Kagome… It's been so long since you've called me that, Inuyasha. So long…" She cried silently as Inuyasha embraced her, and kissed her hair.

"I've missed you." he said slowly, almost afraid of her reaction. He's talked to Kazuki on the phone, he knew something was wrong, but he was clueless as to what it could be. Even so, he had his suspicions, as did Kazuki, but neither of them dared to speak of it.

Kagome's sobs grew even more powerful, and she could barely speak.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Inuyasha. I've been so unjust with you, I don't deserve… I don't…" she choked on her words, but he didn't want her apology, he just wanted to know she was alright.

"Shush… Don't say that." he caressed her hair as she cried into his shirt, and he held her like that for as long as it took her to gain her composure. He was worried to death, and he was scared of how she felt. He'd never seen her so brought down, so shattered. But he stood by her, and he held her close, until Kagome raised her face to him.

"Yume-Kagome… what happened?" Inuyasha's husky voice was filled with that gentle feeling that always soothed her, which she loved so much in him, and she knew in that split second that he would have a place in her heart forever. Forever.

Kagome shook her head at the endearing name he'd given her a long… long time ago, and managed to sketch a smile. She touched his face, and sighed deeply.

"I've done it all wrong, Inuyasha. I've messed it up again. He… he didn't… he never…" her words broke into a helpless whimper, and Inuyasha frowned.

"It's alright, don't tell me if you can't. Just tell me what to do, what can I do for you?" Kagome looked into his golden eyes and saw Sesshoumaru's… she looked at his white shimmering hair and saw Sesshoumaru's… But the expression imprinted on Inuyasha's face was his own, and unmistakable. Sesshoumaru could never match that, ever.

"I don't know." she concluded heavily, and Inuyasha felt like a dagger had been plunged into his chest. Anything but those words. He felt helpless, facing her pain, the closed in way in which she was hurting, and he could see it tore her apart. And he could do nothing.

Her violet eyes were empty and he hated whoever had brought her in this miserable state… he had a suspicion that it could have been Sesshoumaru, and that made him even madder.

"Just let me stay with you for a while…" she whispered, and how could Inuyasha refuse? he laid down on their bed with Kagome in his arms, or better said with this broken shell of who his Yume-Kagome used to be. He hoped that she could find the power to get passed whatever had happened to her… power from within herself, or him. He needed her to be alright, he needed to know she was safe…

Flashback

"Yume-Kagome, that's what you are…" he smiled at her, and Kagome laughed from behind her desk.

"What?" light was dancing in her violet eyes and he knew he would love her all his life.

"Yume-Kagome… You can't stop dreaming, that's who you are." She chuckled, and resumed her work. She still had to type some reviews, but Inuyasha's words were clear in her head, and she smiled the entire time through her work.

"You're crazy.." she said, as she closed her laptop and stared into his eyes smiling.

"Yeah… about some dreamer who barely acknowledges me…This is my life." Inuyasha responded. Kagome raised an eyebrow at her boyfriend.

"Oh, you make me sound so cruel… You know I love you…"

"… even if I don't show it very often… I know…" he continued, imitating her voice.

"Well, show it now." Kagome gave him a conspicuous look and went around her desk, walking towards Inuyasha, smiling all the way. She reached for him, grabbed the back of his neck and gave him a soft kiss that sent hot shivers through his body.

End Flashback

He asked himself when the shivers left him, only to be replaced with this strong affection… This affection, which although caused him to protect her, didn't resemble at all with what he used to feel for Yume-Kagome.

:---: