Unliving

Chapter nineteen – Sesshoumaru's beginning and Alexis' end

He was thinking about it, but he thought it was such an improper thing to say at this time, that he didn't dare say a word. Kagome was next to him, playing with his hair. What was it with women and his hair? The thought still circled his mind though, and he couldn't rest.

"Kagome." he said softly, and looked at her. She was braiding a few strands. He frowned at the sight of his hair being tortured like that, but decided that more important things were at risk here.

"Hm?" she said, absentmindedly. She still had his shirt on, and he wore only his pants.

"What is it?" she said, seeing as he didn't answer her previous "hm?"

"I need to eat." Kagome almost broke into laughter. It was certainly a pleasant shift in wording, after "I need to feed." It sounded more… human.

"Well, I think it's about time." she said, sure that he was embarrassed enough as it was just by being forced to say what he'd said. But the expression on Sesshoumaru's face didn't let any embarrassment come out. Maybe Kagome assumed too much, when it came to his feelings. Stuff like expressing emotion, and showing vulnerability, he couldn't do if his life depended on it, but he had a genuine talent for making other things, things she found personal, seem normal, and with no reason to be hidden. Take his hunger for example. A gentleman would have never said "I'm hungry, let's get out of here and eat." He would have made some suggestion, and she, as the educated almost lady that she is, would have made the proposition. But no, he had to go and say he was hungry. Kagome stood up and extended an arm to help him up.

"Let's go eat." she said, all radiant. Truth be told, she was also hungry. Sesshoumaru eyed her unconvinced.

"I do not require help sitting up. Do not flatter yourself." he said, flatly. Kagome grimaced in disbelief. He was so condescending! She took off his shirt and shoved it in his arms, pulling her underwear on and not paying any attention to him. As she finished buttoning her own shirt, she headed towards the door, but he cut her path swiftly, practically appearing in front of her, blocking her way.

"It was a joke." he said, but his tone didn't have the gift of making her feel like smiling.

"It wasn't very funny." Kagome replied, still refusing to look at him.

"Will you look at me?" He stopped himself from commanding her to look at him, and decided to put in the form of a question. Sesshoumaru dreaded the moments he had to explain himself to anyone. But this time, he had to. And, for the record, at any given time that he would offend her with his behavior. The Lord knew he could be very discouraging, and more often than not. Kagome looked up at him.

"I know you didn't mean anything by it, I'm just… Hell, I'll get used to it. Don't worry. Never mind." She waved her hand, and smiled up at him. Sesshoumaru nodded lightly. They never told you what comes after "They lived happily ever after." Well, the living happily was as difficult, or maybe even more so that what came before it. You always had to consider the other person's feelings, their decisions, their choices, the way they behave and think… It was a difficult balance to keep, and for someone as distant as Sesshoumaru, it proved very tricky.

:---:

"I think you won't be eating again, for three weeks." Kagome eyed the emptied plate in front of Sesshoumaru. He'd eaten the amount of food to make up for all the seven hundred years he'd missed on eating normally.

"Be happy that I made the effort to cook it." he replied, and Kagome stopped chewing on the carrot she held in her hand.

"You mean you eat raw meat?" she said, her mouth full, and giving Sesshoumaru a great view. He frowned a little.

"Yes. Just like you speak with your mouth full. Not every time, but enough to make others grimace, and not care about it." He smiled. Kagome continued her chewing, shaking her head.

"You're…"

"Youkai." he finished for her, and Kagome had to admit he was right. 800 years ago, who was gonna care about cooking, in the inu-youkai clan?

"What's it taste like?" she asked, bending over the table and leaning on her forearms to get closer to him. Sesshoumaru had a tint of amusement in his tone when he answered.

"Good." Kagome rolled her eyes.

"I was sure you were gonna answer something placid like that. Come on, I wanna know! Tell me. Tell me, tell me, tell me!" The transition from a determined woman to this spoiled child was all too sudden for him. Sesshoumaru stood amazed for a few moments.

"I do not think you would enjoy it. And I cannot describe the taste. It is not about the taste, anyway. It is the feeling of sinking your teeth into it, the way the meat rips to shreds and almost bleeds…"

"Stop!" Kagome's eyes were wide open, and she felt a little sickened. She swallowed, disgusted.

"That's not yummy." Sesshoumaru tilted his head.

"And you expected it to be?" She stuck her tongue out to him, like a kid.

"Be careful with that." Sesshoumaru said, standing up and moving towards her. The kitchen was quiet now, because Sesshoumaru had all the staff leave the room. The poor people had left with astonished looks on their faces. Aside from the fact that their Lord had showed himself at daytime, he had this pleasant expression on his face. They were surprised, but happy to see him like that, a state that they immediately held Kagome responsible for. Therefore, they liked her as well.

Sesshoumaru looked down at her, and stung her bottom lip with a claw. Even his claws felt sharper now. The wave of confusion passed so rapidly through his eyes, that Kagome almost missed it. He had all the reasons in the world to be confused. She knew she was a handful.

"Care to take Saidan out for a walk?" she said, breaking the trace of his unknown thoughts. Sesshoumaru dropped his arm.

"Anytime." he answered, and she smiled a little.

"I'll go get dressed, and we can go for a tour of the garden. Sesshoumaru nodded, a little absentmindedly. Kagome stood up and walked to the door, but as she grabbed the handle, she turned half to him and saw an uneasy look upon his face. She frowned, biting on the inside of her cheek.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes." The word fell like a curtain over his face, and suddenly she couldn't see anything in his eyes. She didn't believe him, and he could tell she didn't. But she didn't ask anything else. She just gave him a long look that said he could talk to her if he needed to, and left him alone.

Sesshoumaru watched as the door fell closed behind Kagome, and stood in the large quiet kitchen thinking about his current situation. His immortality had taught him to put things into perspective, he was always thinking about what was to come in ten or twenty years. Mortals made plans for the next year, or maybe as long as five years ahead. But the Lord had an image of how his life was to be in the next twenty years or so, maybe even further.

This time, though, seeing Kagome stand beside him, he couldn't think like that anymore. He couldn't think about tens of years, because in a hundred years time she may be gone. Sesshoumaru didn't know how much her youkai blood could help her live longer than humans, but he knew even hanyou didn't live as long as full youkai. And that thought lingered inside his mind all the time, right from the moment he'd realized he loved her.

He sat down, his eyes almost hollow, and looking at the surface of the massive, wooden table. He bowed his head and closed his eyes tight, frowning as his lips let out a very small sigh.

He was searching for the answer he knew he couldn't find, his gold eyes now jumping helpless from item to item in the wide room, not seeing anything at all. It really wasn't like him at all to be so confused, and he didn't particularly enjoy the feeling.

The new situation in which he found himself was at the very least making him vulnerable, and that he was not accustomed to. But, oddly enough, it wasn't the main thing bothering him right now. The fact that he was thinking mostly about her, rather than himself, said something to the Lord. Something impossible to ignore: than from now on, he would belong as much to her as he did to himself. There was no turning back, nor did he search for any.

Sesshoumaru's hands pushed against the tabletop, and he stood up straight, raising his chin into the air a little, and lifting the corners of his eyebrows. That was the pose he took every time he wanted to keep the world at a safe distance. Whose safety was he guarding this time? His own? Kagome's? As the thought crossed his mind, Alexis' ghost appeared before his eyes like a constant threat. Alexis, who didn't know he's returned to his youkai form. Alexis, who pretended to love him. Alexis, who hated Kagome. Alexis. Always Alexis. Was he never to be rid of Alexis?

Sesshoumaru didn't fear him, he'd never feared him. He'd always tried to keep his former Sire's temper under control. That had been the reason for which he'd allowed short slips from his part: a kiss, a touch now and then, but never anything more. And it wasn't even because he couldn't picture himself into a relationship with another man, that wasn't it. He'd never even begun to think about that aspect. He'd stopped at Alexis' nature, his unjustified cruelty, his taste for bloodshed.

Sesshoumaru didn't understand that, and he certainly didn't want it near himself. But he cared about the dark haired vampire, he couldn't deny that. There was a strange bond between them, even now, that the taiyoukai was alive again. Even now, Sesshoumaru found himself wanting to protect Alexis from himself. He was sure that in the end, his Sire would be his own demise. The Lord didn't want that, as strange as it would have seemed. After all the harm this creature had done to him, Sesshoumaru still cared. There were maybe two persons on this Earth that he would have protected, and those two were his lover and the one who wanted her dead. Strange, but not entirely beyond understanding.

Sesshoumaru wanted to get out of the room. He felt choked in the chamber, he wanted to see the sunlight. A little faster than usually, he exited the kitchen, and passed through the hallway, to the main entrance, where he stopped with his hand on the door. His heart pounded inside his chest, without him knowing the exact reason. His long white hair barely moved on the black coat he wore when he turned his head to look over his shoulder at the angel guarding the entrance. His eyes were something he'd never understood, Kikyo had mocked him for hundreds of years with that painting.

It looked so much like himself, and yet the angel was so different… That expression was something he could never achieve, it was a feeling he could never have, a trust he couldn't find in a thousand years. Sesshoumaru closed his eyes and turned them away from the angel's perfect face. He didn't want to see those eyes anymore, reminding him of everything he could never be.

The moment he pushed the heavy doors open, and found his body drenched in the cold light of late autumn, Sesshoumaru remembered that there was a moment in which Kagome had seen that peaceful look inside his eyes, she saw the good in him, the little of it that could be seen. He didn't know if immortality had blunted him like that, if his feelings were so numb and far apart because of his long life or because he was just incapable of something more. He didn't know if what he had to offer would be enough to Kagome, or if she was expecting him to change in any way.

Sesshoumaru stepped out on the pavement, and raised his face to the sky. The clouds rarely allowed the sun to shine from behind their heavy and thick curtain, but Sesshoumaru didn't care that much. It was daytime, and as he opened his eyes, they hurt from the exposure. His skin almost shied away from the light's ghostly touch, as the clod cutting wind that announced winter blew away the moist leaves on the ground.

He hadn't come to a satisfying conclusion by the time he pulled Saidan out of his stable. He just wanted to have some peace for a change, and try not to think about his problems for this one day. There would be enough days to do that.

The horse snarled at the touch of his master, and although his scent was fairly changed, Saidan accepted Sesshoumaru after a moment of hesitation. The Lord smiled and patted his tall horse on the neck. The dark strands of the horse mingled with Sesshoumaru's as the Lord rested his head against Saidan, and a wind blow rushed over them both. The warmth from Saidan, his calm and acceptance soothed Sesshoumaru.

Kagome took a turn around the wall of Muncaster, and was presented with the most beautiful picture she'd ever seen. Sesshoumaru had one hand resting against Saidan's neck, and his head bowed a little to the horse. The wind played with the Lord's hair, but was barely managing to shift the heavy strands, and the contrast between the dark horse and Sesshoumaru's fair skin was amazing. She couldn't believe how beautiful he looked, just standing there like that, resting against the tall horse. As Saidan snarled again, and threw his head up, Sesshoumaru slowly turned his eyes towards Kagome, his head still a little bowed.

The young woman felt a shiver pass her body, and smiled in surprise. The demon didn't move much. He just tilted his head half an inch, and his look became invasive, like there was nothing inside her he couldn't see. Kagome didn't know if she loved that look of feared it. Maybe both.

She managed to move and come closer to Sesshoumaru, whose gold bees still threatened to sting her. She began to feel exposed, and bit on her bottom lip. He followed her movement with his eyes, settling it on her mouth. Kagome turned crimson, although for what reason she couldn't tell. He was so disturbing, all the time!

"Are we still going for…" her word broke into silence as she made the mistake of looking deeply into his eyes. Her heart was racing like a maniac, and she was sure he could tell. Even she could tell that her scent had suffered a subtle shift. She was anxious. Her breath was fast and shallow. Her eyes were wide open and her body tensed. And Sesshoumaru wasn't giving her any breaks.

"I am never going to be any different from how I am today, Kagome." he finally said, and she frowned at the unexpected words.

"I know." Kagome replied, not understanding how he got the idea that she wanted him to change.

"And you still want this?" Kagome smiled in disbelief.

"This? You mean… us? Of course I do. That's why I came back, this is who I fell in love with, and this is what I want." She shook her head, confused about his confusion. It wasn't in his nature to be insecure.

"Good." Sesshoumaru said, and the immobile mask melted from his features.

"Come." He helped her up Saidan's saddle, and he walked beside the horse.

:---:

"It'll be dark soon." Kagome said, looking at the fiery horizon, where the sun threw its last spears over the hills. Sesshoumaru was still beside her, and Saidan fussed anxiously under her weight. The slow pace was unsatisfying for the strong horse, who wanted to run, to stretch its muscles and feel the wind against his body.

"Saidan wants a bit of a race. Should I?" she said again, and Sesshoumaru let go of the leather straps holding the horse. he didn't say anything, but both Kagome and Saidan understood that he was giving them permission to run off together to wherever they felt like it.

"We'll be back soon." Kagome shouted over her shoulder, as she encouraged Saidan to pick up speed. Sesshoumaru only nodded, looking at her bending over the horse's back, to gain speed. She wore those horrible jeans and boots that climbed up her slender legs just below her knees and a simple jacket over the green sweater. Her hair was loose and blown all over the place by the wind, yet he still couldn't take his eyes off her. Until she rode out of his sight, Sesshoumaru could see how her legs tensed against Saidan's slim form, grasping the horse and encouraging it to run, to run and not think of anything else. Maybe she was running from something as well.

He turned his eyes to the edge of the forest, looking over it as if he wanted to see something else there. Sesshoumaru knew that his peace wouldn't last for long, not while Alexis was still around. And he was by no means gone. He was only waiting, he had time to wait, time to ponder over what to do next, about how to take her out of the equation without getting him angry. But Alexis didn't know he was youkai again. That could prove problematic. Alexis could see that as a betrayal. He might forget all about his alleged feelings, and just want to do as much damage as he could, and fact being that he couldn't touch him, Sesshoumaru was sure Alexis would go after Kagome.

The Lord stopped his quiet walk.

"You don't waste any time, Alexis." A short, nervous laugh came from behind him, and Alexis said:

"Why would I? Where's your…" his voice suddenly fell, and Sesshoumaru expected to see an astounded and furious face before his eyes, as Alexis walked in front of him. He'd been correct. Alexis was as much confused as he was angry.

"What is the meaning of this?" the vampire hissed. The demon looked into his eyes carefully. He didn't want a fight with Alexis. The damn maniac would fight to the death, and there was absolutely no question as to who the winner would be. Sesshoumaru's demon blood protested against his passive behavior, though. It was something he'd never done before. Try to mend feelings, try to keep the peace.

"Sesshoumaru. Explain." Alexis commanded, his eyes wide open and fixed on Sesshoumaru's.

"There is little to explain. I regained my original nature."

"I can see that! What I mean is… how?" Alexis had his fists clenched. He could feel his claws wounding his own palms, but he didn't care. His body was barely denying the quivering he wanted to let pass through him.

Sesshoumaru didn't have the chance to answer. Alexis' face cleared all of a sudden.

"That woman… She did this!" Sesshoumaru took in a sharp breath.

"Tell me! She did this!!" Alexis shouted.

"Calm down, Alexis, you are in no position to accuse Kagome of anything." the demon replied flatly.

"She took you away from me, Sesshoumaru."

"Why would you say that? She only fulfilled my wish, Alexis. It was something I wanted, to be myself again, to feel the blood through my veins again. You have no idea…"

"Shut up! I don't care what you say, what she says… you're mine! I made you what you are!" the vampire shouted again, stepping towards Sesshoumaru. His green eyes sparked with that eerie light of madness he held whenever he was on the edge of his reason. Sesshoumaru cut his words firmly, in a well controlled tone of voice.

"You made me weaker, Alexis! You were selfish, and you caught me in a vulnerable position seven hundred years ago. You know what you had to do to get to me, back then. Don't think I did not figure it out. I had seven hundred years to think over it, to ponder over how I had gotten so weak in the battle. But I never said anything to you." Alexis turned even whiter than his usual pale self. His jaws were trembling from the pressure he applied. His body was quivering with anger.

"I gave you another life, Sesshoumaru. You should be thankful."

"I never searched for another life. My life was my own, and I was more than content with it. You had no right to force another upon me. That is not love, it is egotism." Sesshoumaru felt like he was breaking through Alexis' fury. But the green eyes still sparked vengeful, warning him to gain control over the situation as soon as possible.

"I never meant to hurt you, Sesshoumaru."

"Yet you did. Is it not true that in order to save my life, after you yourself ordered that unjustified attack over me, you had to turn to your most hated enemies in the Kindred? Is it not true that you called upon the Tremeres to balance my blood, and keep me alive until you turned me?" Alexis looked like a child under his parents' accusation. Sesshoumaru was right, and he knew it.

"But you lived."

"That is no life." Sesshoumaru emphasized on the words, making Alexis bite his bottom lip. The vampire's sharp claws grabbed Sesshoumaru's jaw, and even if the demon was slightly taller, Alexis still managed to look down upon him. His feelings poured out through his every pore. He felt betrayed, but at some level he understood Sesshoumaru's thirst for life. Real life. He himself had missed it early in his vampire years, but it had been long since he'd last craved for sunlight. He'd been a human, a simple and pathetic human before he was turned, and the vampire nature was so much better. He couldn't even imagine what human life would have been like for him, now. But neither could he imagine how youkai life could be like.

Sesshoumaru didn't even flinch at Alexis' cold touch.

"Your skin is warm." the vampire said, slowly. His eyes had lost that strange spark; they were dull now, almost sad. The grip on Sesshoumaru's jaw turned into a soft touch, as Alexis passed his fingers over the demon's cheek and forehead.

"When I saw you covered in your own, and your enemies' blood, I doubted myself for the first time in my entire existence. Your face was livid, your clothes stained with blood, there was so much of it, I couldn't stop it pouring out, because I myself had told them to rip you apart, to make you incapable of moving, incapable of opposing resistance." Sesshoumaru frowned at his words. Alexis' voice was even, but his eyes strayed from place to place, as his fingers rested on Sesshoumaru's neck, feeling his pulse.

"They knew what to do. The Tremeres are warlocks; they can do amazing things, even for us Kindred. But they hated Ventrues, so I had to make a deal with them against our Prince's knowledge. Hn…" his sad laugh made Sesshoumaru feel sorry for Alexis. But he didn't say anything. He just put his hand over the cold fingers of the vampire. Alexis pulled his hand away from the demon's soft touch. He hated compassion, especially directed towards himself. He shook his head.

"Don't pity me, Sesshoumaru. Don't you dare pity me. There is nothing that I did for you that I regret. I've killed them, you know. I've slain them like the pigs they were. How dare they lift a hand over you? How dare they look down upon you?" Alexis laughed out shortly and cynically, looking at Sesshoumaru from under his eyebrows. The cold look of revenge shone in the depths of his eyes. Sesshoumaru knew he was going to lose control, but he was too taken with Alexis' words to react.

"The Prince, our ruler, perished like a pitiful insect, screaming for forgiveness when I slit his throat and drained him of his unlife. And his damned fledglings too, his entire genealogy gone… just because he stepped on my toes and didn't agree with me. He said… Hah! He said you would bring the Kindred nothing but trouble, he said you would betray us, that you would never fit in, that you… my beautiful Sesshoumaru…" Alexis rested his ear against Sesshoumaru's chest, listening to his heartbeat, "… that you will bring my demise closer to me, and that you will destroy me. Now isn't that ridiculous?"

Sesshoumaru was as stiff as he was before he'd gone back to being a demon.

"You killed the Prince?" the demon whispered.

"Hmm… your voice sounds so deep here, in your chest. I've always loved listening to your voice.

"I did. For you." Alexis replied, a strange calm settling inside his eyes. It was the calm before the storm, Sesshoumaru thought.

"Do you see it now? Do you see how much I love you?" Alexis stretched his slender neck and looked at the demon's face from two inches away. Sesshoumaru lightly shook his head.

"You did it for yourself, not for me." Alexis frowned and pouted.

"There would have been no need for you to protect me, if you hadn't made me vulnerable in the first place." Sesshoumaru didn't know how to reason with the vampire. He couldn't get through to him, Alexis was always very stubborn and moody, and his temper would shift and go from calm to rage and back in a matter of seconds. He was like an unsteady ocean, dangerous and deceiving. His vulnerability was always a mask under which he could hide his hatred. Sesshoumaru only hoped he could go over this before Kagome could find them and get involved in their argument.

"You don't understand, my lovely Sesshoumaru. You just can't see it." Alexis' face was as clear as a summer sky, his eyes wide open and smiling at the youkai, as if he were telling him a peaceful story from long ago. But his words made a poor match with his expression, and it all added to the awkward feeling Sesshoumaru got from the dark haired vampire.

"You had to be vulnerable, you had to die and come back, and you had to love me… But you never obeyed, Sesshoumaru. You never obeyed. You had to be outstanding, you were made out of a different kind of life force, there was something inside you stronger than any other energy… It's your own fault, and your hands will be the ones stained with her blood."

Sesshoumaru frowned, and tried to back from the closeness Alexis had compelled between them two. But the scent stopped him, and his heart shivered as he recognized Kagome's presence approaching.

"Alexis, don't." he warned the vampire. But Alexis tilted his head and looked at the demon with a fixed look which said it clearly that he was unreasonable, he was beyond logic.

"Alexis, don't make me hurt you." Sesshoumaru insisted, but the vampire only let out a short laugh, and his fangs shone in the moonlight.

"Then don't hurt me, Sesshoumaru." his voice rang in the heavy silence. Sesshoumaru heard Saidan stop behind him, and could hear Kagome's fast breath, tired from the run on the horse. She wasn't afraid though, he could read no apprehension in her scent.

"Alexis." she said, more surprised than anything else.

But the look on the vampire's face stopped her from a further talk. The tension between the two was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and she realized she'd come in a very bad moment. Timing had never been one of her assets.

A quick swoosh, and Alexis was next to Saidan. Kagome had barely seen him move. She didn't even hear it when Sesshoumaru moved and placed himself between Saidan and herself.

Alexis was looking up at her, and Kagome began to feel uneasy. Whatever they had been talking about, it hadn't been very friendly, judging by the look of Alexis. His cold stare was fixed on her neck, where the small silver cross the Sesshoumaru had given her hung.

Alexis snarled, and Kagome instinctively backed. She couldn't feel him jump towards her, all she saw was Sesshoumaru move, and one second later, the demon's poisonous claws on Alexis' throat.

She clutched onto the horse's saddle, staring at the two. Sesshoumaru was very tensed, as he flexed the fingers on his left hand, and held back the poison within his right one.

"Alexis." he said, his tone warning the vampire against further action. Alexis was still looking at Kagome.

"You know, I wanted you dead, mortal." he said, as his eerie eyes locked onto hers. Kagome stared back at him, and felt this sharp pain puncturing the back of her head, like a cold needle had been inserted there.

"Aah!" she whimpered, but found that she couldn't move. Tears filled her eyes, as she whined slowly under the vampire's hateful stare. Sesshoumaru stepped between them, blocking Alexis' sight, and breaking their eye contact.

But there was no use, Alexis didn't need eye contact to hurt her, not anymore. The demon heard her whimpers from behind him, and couldn't even turn to look at her. He tightened his grip on Alexis' throat, poison dripping from his claws and burning the vampire's neck.

"Stop, Alexis. I will kill you, make no mistake about that. There is no choice between you and her!" Sesshoumaru hissed between his teeth. Alexis looked at him almost surprised.

"Don't I know it…" he whispered, narrowing his green eyes. Kagome screamed behind Sesshoumaru, and the demon turned to look at her. He shivered as he saw blood spill from the corner of her mouth, and her hands shaking, as she covered her ears.

"I wanted you dead…" Alexis whimpered.

"Do you want to die, you fool?" Sesshoumaru raised his voice, looking back at Alexis.

"Leave her alone! Kagome, leave now! Leave!" Sesshoumaru shouted, but it seemed like she couldn't hear it. Or she couldn't move, one of either.

"I don't want to kill you, Alexis." Sesshoumaru tried once again.

"But I do. I shouldn't live anymore; a monster like me shouldn't be allowed to walk the earth. You'd do me a favor, Sesshoumaru. I can't take my own life, but you can. And you will."

"No." Sesshoumaru whispered, just as Kagome cried out in pain, and fell off Saidan.

"No! I won't be your means to an end, Alexis! Enough!" the demon pressed his other hand over Alexis' forehead, pushing his head back, and making him lose his balance, and his focus. Alexis relinquished all hopes on life, all his hatred and his ill love, and allowed Sesshoumaru to take over him, sure that the demon would kill him.

Maybe he didn't really want to die, but there was nothing else he felt other that pain, right then. Seeing Sesshoumaru step between him and that mortal woman, Alexis ached inside, and he knew he would kill her if something wouldn't stop him. She had to die, because she was in his way, because her presence was an impediment for his plans, for his wishes, for his desires. It was in his nature, he killed everyone that got in the way, and he'd never felt sorry, he didn't even look back once. But this time, this time…

This one time, when Sesshoumaru dripped poison on his flesh, trying to protect her, this time when Sesshoumaru stepped between him and this woman, this one time, Alexis thought that maybe he was wrong. This time, maybe he was making a mistake. Giving up on himself was far more easy that giving up on Sesshoumaru, as the vampire would see. And he fell back, allowing the demon to spear him with all that frightful rage he held inside.

'How he must hate me!' Alexis thought, as his insides were torn apart, and he felt like he was bleeding through a thousand wounds.

The youkai power encircled them both, as Sesshoumaru flared his aura around him, raging and controlling himself at the same time. The tug at his senses was so powerful, and the sudden rush to kill was so strong, that he thought he couldn't hold it back, and take Alexis' life, for a moment.

"Sesshoumaru, don't…" Kagome's voice sounded in his ears, and brought him back to earth, gave him purpose and direction, gave him something to hold on to. And he didn't kill Alexis. His hands left the vampire's body and Sesshoumaru looked at his own fingers, in disbelieve. He'd never meant to kill him, but if it hadn't been for her, he might have. He looked at Alexis for a second, whose eyes were half open and looking at him. Sesshoumaru frowned and turned from him without as much as a word, rushing to kneel beside Kagome, and help her sit up.

"Are you…" he began, but she nodded, and looked at his face with hope.

"He's not dead, right? I mean, you… you didn't…"

"No." Sesshoumaru said slowly, wiping the blood off the corner of her mouth, and feeling utterly confused about the way she was behaving. What did she care about Alexis? He'd just tried to kill her!

"Good. That's… good." her faint voice broke into a cough, and Kagome grabbed her chest, to steady her breath. Sesshoumaru eyed her with concern.

"Are you in pain?"

She shook her head.

"I'll be fine. See to him." she nodded towards Alexis, who was lying on his back on the moist ground.

The mist had begun its nightly descend from uphill, and the darkness was getting colder by the minute. Sesshoumaru could feel the wind blowing about, calling the storm, and he raised his nose into the air, narrowing his eyes. Alexis was still, but his eyes were now avert, looking up into the night sky, looking up at nothing at all, seeing nothing of the world around him.

As he knelt beside him, Sesshoumaru thought Alexis was a very strange creature, one he couldn't hope to fully understand, but one whom he couldn't help to care about. The taiyoukai leaned over the vampire's cold figure, and placed a hand on his cheek. Alexis smiled sadly.

"You should have killed me." he whispered, and Sesshoumaru frowned.

"It was not my right." he replied. If Alexis had known how to cry, he would have. If his lifeless body could have learned how to shed tears, the vampire would have poured out his shame, his frustration and regret; he would have shown Sesshoumaru that his love was real, although it was so different, although it was so destructive and uncontrollable.

"I was wrong about you." Alexis whispered, frowning in pain. Sesshoumaru didn't say anything. He just sustained Alexis' sad stare.

"You do love me." the vampire continued, his voice dim, but unwavering.

"So you've finally seen it." the demon said, a little more emotional than he would have wanted. Sesshoumaru's love wasn't as Alexis would have wanted it to be. It wasn't even fair to call it love. It was a connection that the demon still felt to the vampire. He cared for him enough not to kill him for hurting Kagome. And that was no little thing. Alexis smiled, and coughed out blood. Sesshoumaru grimaced at the sight of the crimson stains.

"I'll be fine."

"I know."

"What did I do...?" Alexis asked, looking away from Sesshoumaru's open look. He couldn't take his honesty. Not now. He wondered if he'd ever been able to.

"… to her." he completed.

"She will be fine." Sesshoumaru responded, casting away a strand of black hair off Alexis' forehead. The vampire only nodded, and struggled to get up, refusing any help from Sesshoumaru. Finally, he stood firm on his legs.

"I think I did make you weaker. If that's just a part of what you can do, then I wouldn't want to see you truly angry." the vampire managed to smile in the corner of his mouth, and to quirk an eyebrow. Then, he looked at Kagome, who was leaning against Saidan. Slowly, he walked passed Sesshoumaru, and stopped very close to the woman. He didn't say a thing; he only looked into her violet eyes, narrowing his own.

Kagome looked at him fearless, openly, without any trace of worry that he might try to hurt her again. Sesshoumaru was there. Alexis saw that trust inside her eyes, and he knew he belonged someplace else than between the two of them. He didn't know where, only not between them. Those two were meant to be as close as they could to each other, and as long as she had that trust in him, and he had that kind of force sleeping within him, they were indestructible. He was the body and she was the soul. She was the will, and he was the power. Alexis smiled.

He took one last look at Sesshoumaru, wordlessly telling him not to worry about further tries to gain contact. Alexis was determined not to push this demon's patience and his affection to the limit. He knew there would have been no other result, than his own demise.

The last look Sesshoumaru ever gave Alexis was, surprisingly, a thankful one. Surprisingly for the woman looking at him, but even more so for the vampire receiving it. Alexis never understood why Sesshoumaru had been thankful to him, that night. And it was his conviction that he would never understand the demon, either. But that didn't stop him from loving Sesshoumaru. Maybe it was ill, maybe it was out of place, out of time and out of reason, but he couldn't help the way he felt. He could, however, help the way he acted. And he never came close to Sesshoumaru again.

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