Chapter 3 – What Hurts The Most

Saturday Morning

It was a beautiful morning. Not many of those happened in La Push. The sun was actually out and the breeze blowing around was warm. There was not a rain cloud in sight. All was peaceful and calm. Olivia laughed as she watched Leah chase Jr around Emily and Sam's living room. Every Saturday seemed the same; Olivia and Jr spent their Saturdays at Emily and Sam's. It started off with every pack member with the exception of Leah getting a haircut. For some reason the guys hair grew at a fast rate. By the time Saturday rolled around they looked more like a shaggy dog than a fierce wolf.

Leah's hair wasn't being cut as often she'd not been phasing nearly as much as the rest of the guys. Leah had graduated college and had become a Kindergarten teacher at La Push Elementary. She loved the kids so much and enjoyed teaching them. It kept her away from the pack more, which she enjoyed. She loved her pack brothers but more often than not they would get under her skin. Her being the ONLY female still was a huge burden. Not to mention she had recently imprinted and on the most unlikely candidate.

Embry Call; No one could make heads or tails of the reasons behind it. Everyone was just as surprised and puzzled as she was. She and Embry chalked it up to never having looked in each other's eyes until the moment the imprint happened. Once it happened suddenly Embry spilled how he had been in love with her for a couple of years and she was spilling how she was annoyed by his idiotic jokes that he and Quil would bounce off each other, but his love for the pack and everyone who came around him made her see his softer side. It was uncanny how the two of them found things in each other that no one seemed to see until it was pointed out.

When Jr was born no one loved him as much as Olivia obviously, but the next in line on the love scale was Leah. She had been with Olivia when her water broke and was even in the delivery room. Leah was completely in awe of the miracle of birth. Even more so when the tiny bundle wrapped in the baby blue blanket wrapped his tiny hand around her finger. It was the first time she'd cried in years; well since her father's death. Leah babysat for Jr anytime Olivia needed her. It didn't matter what she had on the agenda, if Olivia needed her she gave up everything to do it. When she started teaching Emily would watch him, unless it was a weekend then Leah kept him.

Olivia continued to watch as Leah caught Jr and blew raspberries on his stomach and listened to his squeals of pure enjoyment. Her focus came back as she continued to comb her fingers through Brady's soft hair and clip some off here and there. "How does that feel sweetie?"

Brady ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head before he stood up out of the chair, turned and kissed Olivia on the cheek. "Thanks Livy."

Olivia nodded. "Anytime B; okay whose next?"

"Can I go next?" A deep voice said from the sliding door in the kitchen.

Olivia's eyes closed, she knew that voice. She would know that voice better than anyone. A deep growl filled the kitchen as Olivia's eyes shot open and looked over at Sam who had his chest pushed out and had taken a dominating stance. She watched as her brother looked over at her and she shook her head negatively. Sam snorted out a deep breath from his nose as he turned and walked out of the kitchen. Olivia's eyes made their way slowly to the figure standing in the door way.

How could she not recognize the voice of the man who imprinted on her?

Paul stood with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. The look on his face was one Olivia couldn't decipher. Actually the more she stood with her eyes locked on Paul's onyx ones the more she recognized that look. It was the same look that greeted her every morning when she looked in the mirror. It was a pained look. A look that begged anyone to help get rid of it.

The silence in the small house was deafening.

The tension could've easily been cut with a knife.

Olivia hated that her body was revolting against her. She could feel her heart beat quicken it's pace and she could feel the tears pricking the back of her eyes. Suddenly she blinked and silent tears slid down her cheeks.

"Hey why did it suddenly get so quiet in here? It hasn't been this quiet since before everyone phased." Leah questioned as she rounded the corner with Jr propped on her hip and his head on her shoulder where he had fallen asleep. Once Leah saw what was going on she glared towards Paul, but he hadn't taken his eyes off of Olivia.

Olivia finally broke eye contact with Paul as she looked over at Leah. "Can you put him in his car seat for me? I think I'm going to go home. I'm not feeling so good right now."

Leah nodded as she walked through the kitchen and out the sliding door that Paul was standing in. His eyes seemed to follow Leah right out the door and watched in wonderment and curiosity as she placed the sleeping boy in the back seat of one of the vehicles in the drive way.

Paul's eyes flashed back to Olivia. "You have a kid…" It was more of a statement than a question.

Olivia rolled her eyes as she scoffed out a breath. "No correction; WE have a kid. And you're an asshole!" Olivia shoved her things into her purse as she looked at Emily. "I'll talk to you later Em." Olivia pushed past Paul as she was going to make her escape. This was short lived when a hot hand grabbed her upper arm and she jerked to a stop as she spun around and came face to face with Paul.

"What do you mean we have a kid? How is that even possible?" Paul asked complete shock registered across his face.

Olivia's eyes narrowed at him for his line of questioning. "Who the hell do you think you are?" Olivia wrenched her arm out of Paul's hot hand and shoved his chest slightly. Even though he didn't move; he swayed slightly, but didn't budge. "We spend six glorious months together, you take my virginity, save my life then disappear like smoke in the wind and suddenly four years later you show up and think you have the right to ask me questions you want answers to? Well fuckin think again."

Paul growled deeply in his chest. "You suddenly can't answer questions?"

"Don't growl at me dickhead." Olivia smacked his chest. "I swear if I could phase like the pack right now I would just to shred your ass. You left me. Four years Paul...FOUR YEARS! I've heard NOTHING from you. You lost your connection with the pack so they couldn't even tell me if you were hurt or dead or whatever; and never mind you actually using your brain; that's that lump that is three feet above your ass. You could've called or sent a letter something; hell anything would've been better than the nothing I got."

"Olivia, I killed a man in cold blood; murdered an actual human being. I ripped is body to pieces as if he was a vampire. We are supposed to protect humans. And believe me I realize I was saving your life. But you already know I've had issues with my temper. I was so mad that I couldn't just stop that asshole from attacking you and let the authorities take him into custody. My temper spun out of control one slash suddenly became a thousand and his blood was caked in my fur, his pleas for me to stop and screams of agony at the time only fueled the fire, but later haunted me twenty-four-seven. It still does. I had become exactly what everyone thought I was already…a monster. I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life."

His eyes held a sadness that Olivia could understand, but there was no way in hell he was going to be forgiven that fast or that easily.

"I can't begin to understand what you've put yourself through with the guilt of killing someone other than a vampire. I know you struggled forever with your temper and it scares you to know that it got THAT out of control. I expected you to be gone for a few days a week at the most. But you never even came back." Olivia sighed heavily. "Do you know what hurts the most?" She watched as Paul shook his head negatively and stood waiting for her answer.

Olivia inhaled a shaky breath. "What actually hurts the most is you missed the birth of your own son. You missed his first words; his first steps; his first everything. You missed four years of his life that you can't get back…ever. And the only other thing that hurts more than that is the fact that you just basically abandoned me. I'm supposed to be your soul mate and you just left me behind, like it was the easiest thing in the world for you to do." More tears cascaded down her tan cheeks; she couldn't stop them now even if she wanted to. "I've never loved someone as much as I loved you and yet felt so unloved by someone in my entire life." Olivia sniffled as she shook her head. "I have to go. I can't be standing this close to you or I'm going to say something or do something I'll end up kicking myself for later. Don't ask me to talk to you and don't ask me to forgive you, because right now you don't deserve any of it."

Paul watched with a pained looked on his face as Olivia turned on her heals and walked over to her vehicle and disappeared down the road. He already knew he was going to have to make it up to her somehow. He would have to do it with something more than an apology, because that wasn't going to work at all. And he already knew that.