Guide: Since there is no Chapter 9 to Rogue Spy, yet, the following scene simply takes place after the last chapter: Unknown Location.
Rogue Spy: the True Story
Or What's Really Going On With Sarah Walker
Echo Park, Los Angeles
December 18, 2009
Guilty.
Chuck woke up and felt guilty, just like he had every day since Sarah was gone.
He sighed and opened his eyes, before twisting his neck on the pillow. There she was.
He smiled.
He stopped smiling.
He was grieving his ex-girlfriend, and he was discovering his new girlfriend.
He didn't know if he should move on, or if it was too soon to move on.
Was it wrong? It felt wrong; until it felt right.
Sarah was gone.
They say grief has five stages. Chuck had no idea what stage he was at. He just felt lost most of the time; everything had changed so suddenly.
One day, he'd been in a car telling Sarah he loved her, while he'd been simultaneously helping her hide from the government and the Ring, and trying to figure out who was after her and prove her innocence.
A day later, a bomb had exploded, plunging Sarah into a coma. Carina had barged in at the hospital, clearly upset. She and Sarah apparently had been in some kind of relationship. Who knew? Sarah also had had other "friends", including Zondra, one of her ex-CAT Squad partners, although it had apparently been a thing of the past. He hadn't asked for details.
Everything between Chuck and Sarah had been a lie. Not everything, Carina had said, but Chuck had had difficulty understanding. He'd wished he could have talked to Sarah.
Ten days later—ten days spent at Sarah's side with Carina, which had been a really odd bonding experience—and Sarah was gone, forever.
He couldn't feel his own, but he had witnessed the five stages of Carina's grief without trouble.
Denial had been clear. It hadn't lasted long. Carina wasn't a dreamy idealist. She lived in the moment. She had taken the news badly when Devon had announced to them that Sarah would never be waking up, but by the time Chuck had taken her back to her hotel room, denial had been over.
Anger had then set in. She'd been angry, she'd been furious, she'd been enraged. Chuck had rarely been more frightened in his life than in that moment, when Carina had grabbed his collar and had pushed him violently against her closed hotel room door. The memory had later seemed hot, but in the moment, it'd been just plain scary.
She'd yelled at first. Chuck had listened. She'd paced, and she'd shouted. She'd thrown knives across the room (it hadn't been pretty). She'd drunk vodka like it was water.
Chuck was a whiskey man. He'd drunk whiskey, and had joined her. He'd figured he could use a drunken night of sorrow.
It might have been the mistake that had started it all. Chuck didn't know. Was it a mistake? Was it not?
Carina's anger had shifted.
To angry sex.
He had said no at first, but he was drunk, he was confused and lost, and Carina—God, was she something. After that night, Chuck hadn't even been sure if he could blame Sarah for lying about Carina anymore.
He'd felt guilty, as soon as he'd woken up. Once, he'd managed to fight the hangover-y hell he'd been in. How could he have done this? (He sometimes wondered about that literally, because Carina was very flexible.)
She hadn't felt guilty. Carina had said Sarah wouldn't want them to be sad forever—Chuck had pointed out that a few hours and forever were quite different—and that from where she was—Carina didn't believe in the after-life—Sarah probably had enjoyed the show. Two of Sarah's favorite people together, she'd said. What was there not to like?
That was when bargaining had set in. Chuck wasn't sure how it was supposed to work, but he was pretty confident that Carina's version of the bargaining stage hadn't been standard. She'd bargained anything and everything…for sex—with him.
Again, Chuck had said no; several times. Regardless, it still always ended up with his world utterly rocked like it never had been before, and after a few days (or hours?), there hadn't even been any alcohol involved.
Carina was so distracting. Chuck wasn't sure how it happened, but it always did. When they'd gone to Malibu to secretly spread out Sarah's ashes at the beach, Chuck had already lost count of how many times he and Carina had slept together.
That day however, they hadn't. Depression had come. Carina had spent the whole day crying. She'd cried when she'd woken up, and when she'd eaten breakfast. She'd cried in the shower, and didn't even try anything when Chuck had joined her for support. (It really wasn't like her.) She'd cried on the ride to the beach, and during the private ceremony, he, Carina, Zondra, Devon, and Casey had had in Sarah's honor. They were the only one to know—the five of them, and General Beckman.
Casey had told her, when it had been obvious that Chuck wouldn't be able to hide anything. He had barely left the hospital for ten days. Beckman had trusted Casey, and the evidence he had presented to her. She had covered for them, given a leave of absence to Chuck, and hidden everything.
Chuck heard an adorable moan next to him. It was music to his ears, and he reached out a hand and tucked a stray of hair behind her ear.
He could see the tear marks from the day before on her face. She'd cried so much.
Coming back home (it had been an awkward conversation with Ellie, and then with Morgan, but his sister had taken the news of him and Carina remarkably well, and his best friend had had no choice but to accept it), Carina had cried again. Not as much, it had come by waves, and sometime during the night, Chuck had told her about his plans. He wanted to find who had been after Sarah. He didn't believe in making justice yourself, but he was amongst the very few people that knew the truth. He wanted to do that for Sarah.
Despite everything, Chuck knew she had loved him. Maybe it wasn't conventional love, but Sarah Walker had never been conventional—at all. He'd loved that about her. She had always protected him, and he wanted to know why he hadn't been able to protect her. Carina had said she'd help him.
She lingered against his hand. Today was a different day, and Carina smiled, before opening her eyes. He smiled back, and she immediately crashed to his side, both arms tightening around him, her mouth on his mouth, her lips parted against his lips, her tongue playing with his tongue.
Chuck broke the kiss for air after some time. He had no idea of how much, and he didn't care.
He didn't care.
For the first time, since Sarah was gone, Chuck didn't care that he was gloriously making out with Carina, in his bed, in his bedroom, right after he'd woken up, and like he'd done the day before, and the day before that one, and the day before that one...
Sarah was gone, and Carina made his days worth waking up for.
Chuck grinned at Carina, and she gave him a devilish smirk, before attacking his jaw, his neck, his shoulders, his everything. He sighed in contentment, and he let his hands wander over Carina's delicious body.
Chuck realized in that moment that it was here: Acceptance.
Sarah was gone.
Sarah was dead.
Chuck was alive.
He would always love her, but Sarah was dead, and he was alive. Maybe Carina was right, and two of Sarah's favorite people together made sense. And quite frankly, what Carina was currently doing to him was making Chuck forget most of whatever he'd ever known.
He knew right now, though, that he'd just accepted what had happened, and suddenly, he could feel:
Not guilty.
A/N #2: And *that* is how Rogue Spy became a Charina story, Frea.
See you guys tomorrow for the last installment. I promise: no more tears. :)