Blanket Disclaimer: Poison Tonic LX does not own the Teen Titans or any characters therein. Don't sue her, please, because if you do I won't have a home anymore…-Ralph, the muse
He lay in his new bed and stared at his ceiling, thinking over his conversation with Cyborg.
He really hadn't thought about superheroes having to work at what they did, though it had always been a pet peeve of his that they thought criminals just did, but never worked.
He supposed he had always known they trained, he had just never thought about it before. It was a given—a tidbit of information he took for granted.
And the part about working as a team…that was something he had never taken into consideration at all. He had never though of them as individuals before—they were the Titans, not Robin, Raven, Cyborg, Beast Boy, and Starfire. Sure, he had renamed them, but he had thought of that more as naming body parts—hands, feet, etc.—they were just parts of the whole, not separate units.
"Suppose I am a hypocrite." He decided out loud, folding his arms behind his head.
On the other hand, though, he had never worked at anything with anyone else, so why would he think of a group as anything more than one entity with several physical embodiments? In a way, they had to be a single being—working together and not getting in each others' way like Cyborg had pointed out—but at the same time, unlike a single being, they could function without each other, as different people, if one of their other 'parts' was out of commission. They weren't dependent on each other, or, rather, they didn't have to be dependent on each other…they weren't completely dependent on each other…or something like that.
"I think you'll fit in fine once you get the hang of things."
No one had ever said something like that to him before.
And to think it had been said by someone who had been one of his bitterest enemies only a few days (heck, even a few hours!) before…he was having a difficult time grasping it, despite his considerable intelligence.
Someone thought he would fit in? Dare he say it—someone wanted him to fit in?
What a mind boggling idea!
"Hey, you aren't so bad for an ex-criminal, Red."
An ex-criminal…was he an ex-criminal? Was he really throwing away everything he had worked so hard for over so many years just for some experiment?
Was it still just an experiment?
He snorted.
Of course it was! Once he found out why Raven was a hero and got bored doing this mushy nobility crap, he would go back to being the great criminal mastermind he was inside!
But…
"I believe you…maybe I was wrong about you…I think you'll fit in…you aren't so bad…all of the Titans get a nickname from Big Brother Cyborg…"
Acceptance wasn't a concept he was familiar with at all.
His own parents hadn't accepted him, assuming they'd just dumped him at the orphanage. His peers at the orphanage (and on the streets) hadn't accepted him. His clients hadn't accepted him at first, and later when they had been ready to accept him he hadn't allowed it—it wouldn't have been real acceptance anyways. Not like what Cyborg was talking about.
Did he even want to be accepted? Wasn't it—wasn't any emotion—a weakness?
Being dependent was a weakness, that he was sure of…but hadn't he just said they didn't have to be dependent on each other?
Dear gods in heaven, he was confused!
'I can't stay here!'
The thought hit him suddenly, almost violent in its abruptness.
If he stayed here, this acceptance…it would be like a drug. He was probably already becoming addicted to it, having thoughts like this…thoughts of giving up his life as a criminal.
He couldn't do that!
Stealing was his life! It was all he knew! If he wasn't a thief, he was nothing! He was nobody!
Just…Caleb Dawson…
Or…maybe…Rush…a Titan…
No, never! Never a Titan! Never a hero! It went against everything he had ever taught himself!
"Ah…when I was a kid I helped people out a lot."
But That Man had shown him you couldn't just help people out—eventually someone would try to take advantage of you. It was a way of life!
"Are you frightened, little one? You have nothing to be scared of as long as mommy's here…"
The heck…?
Where had that voice come from?
Why was it familiar…but at the same time not familiar at all?
And anyhow, he wasn't scared of anything! He was Red X, wasn't he? The greatest criminal mastermind Jump City and most of the rest of the world had ever seen! He had gotten past the Titan's defenses and infiltrated their home base twice, once as a criminal and now as one of them—he had even gotten past the notorious Titan Raven's defenses!
He was the only criminal who had never been caught—the Titans were the only heroes who had ever so much as come close to catching him, or even been able to tell he had ever been around. Usually he never left any trace…
Come to think of it…why had they been the only people to ever catch on to him?
Because he stole that suit? Had he become careless?
No, he was sure that wasn't it…
Maybe…had he wanted them to catch him?
But why would he do something stupid like that? Letting them know he was around…
That was why other masterminds were captured—they got so caught up in making an impression and taunting their respective heroes that they didn't pay attention and got caught every time, even if they did get out eventually. They just started the process over and over again…
Hadn't he always sworn he would never do that? It was so stupid! Even if there was a slight bit more of a rush in making them so frustrated, it was a disaster waiting to happen! One slip-up and he was done for!
So he couldn't have wanted to get caught.
He didn't want to go to jail, even if he knew he could get out again once the mood took him. It was a waste of time, and cells made him rather uncomfortable…the orphanage had been like a jail, after all, and he had no desire to go back there or anywhere even remotely similar to it (maybe he might've been a teensy bit afraid of those sorts of places).
If he hadn't wanted to get caught, was he really just being careless? But he was always so very meticulous in his planning and in the carrying out of his plans, where could he have gone wrong?
It wasn't like he minded that he was always alone before, during, and after his heists…
'What a wayward thought.'
Lonely? Him? He was a born loner. He'd always been alone!
"Welcome to the Titans, Rush…you'll fit in…"
No! No, no, and a thousand times NO!
He had never fit in before, he didn't fit in now, and he never would fit in!
And what's more: he didn't want to fit in! Not ever!
It was a recipe for disaster! A jail cell waiting to happen!
He wouldn't let himself get sucked into this deadly addiction, and with this thought in mind he left his bed and went to the window, throwing it open to leave but freezing where he stood before he could make another of his grand escapes.
"Maybe I was wrong about you…"
This time the voice in his memory was spitting the words at him angrily, and it was accompanied by a pair of mismatched eyes, one robotic and one human, but both of them glaring at him.
"Are you frightened, little one?"
No, he wasn't frightened! He was just…
…Running away…
'I have never been caught. I am a mastermind. I have never been accepted…!'
These thoughts had always been a comfort, but…
'I have never been caught…because I have always run away too fast for anyone to catch me.'
'I am a mastermind…at finding ways to run away.'
'I have never been accepted…because I've never stuck around long enough for anyone to try.'
"Are you frightened, little one?"
'Yes!'
Yes, he was frightened! He was scared out of his mind!
The Titans were afraid he would betray them…
And he was afraid they would betray him…
"Welcome to the Titans …"
But they—or Cyborg, at least—were giving him a second chance…
He slammed the window shut and turned, sliding to the floor as he buried his face in his hands, with only one thought in mind:
'I'm not going to run away…'
(THE RUSH)