Blanket Disclaimer: Poison Tonic LX does not own the Teen Titans or any characters therein. Don't sue her, please, because if you do I won't have a home anymore…-Ralph, the muse
A loud knock on his new door tore him out of his thoughts, which had carried him through a sleepless night into the next day.
"Yo, Red, time for breakfast!" Cyborg's voice boomed through the door. "I'm making bacon, eggs, ham, and sausages!"
"Dude, no way you're corrupting our newest member! TOFU!" The Comic Relief shouted.
"I'm the one trying to corrupt him? That stuff is disgusting, B! We're giving him a real welcome feast with real food!"
"Tofu is real food!"
"That stuff is crap! It's not worthy of being called real food!"
He blinked as he stood, straightened his rumpled costume, and opened his door.
"Red!"
"Rush!"
"Tell him meat/tofu is better!" They both yelled.
"Huh?" He asked dumbly.
"What do you want for breakfast? Some real food—" Cyborg began.
"Or some healthy tofu?" The Comic Relief finished.
"Or perhaps you wish to try some of the Happiness Pudding I have made to celebrate your arrival?" The Dolt asked sweetly, holding up a bowl full of…
…
…
…
…What was that…?
…Was it…moving…?
"Ahem." The Sorceress cleared her throat, gathering everyone's attention. "Why don't you all cook, and he can try a little bit of everything?"
"Right!"
"You're a genius, Rae!"
"Yes, Friend Raven, many thanks for your wise decision!"
The three Titans scrambled off towards the kitchen.
He and the Sorceress stood in silence for a moment.
"…I'm not sure yet whether or not I should thank you." He broke the silence.
"You shouldn't. Cyborg's food is the only thing around here that's edible, but it's also cardiac arrest on a plate." She replied with her usual drawl.
"…Wonderful…"
This wasn't quite the rush he'd been thinking of when he'd decided to join the Titans…
"Yo, Red, if you don't hurry up all of the real food will get cold!" Cyborg's voice yelled.
"Dude, you mean all of the nice, healthy tofu will get cold!" The Comic Relief yelled.
"And the Pudding of Happiness will escape its earthly bindings!" The Dolt added.
…
"On second thought, suddenly I'm not very hungry…" He decided, turning back to his room.
A shadow blocked his way. "Oh no you don't." The Sorceress said, smirking rather sadistically. "It's standard procedure for new members to sit through one bout of the 'Breakfast Brawl'."
"Breakfast…Brawl…?"
The Sorceress didn't reply, but her smirk widened as the shadow wrapped itself around him and they teleported into the dining room, where sat a myriad of different foods, most of them meat or tofu-meat, and some of them…even lower on his list of 'things to consider food (read: edible)' than tofu was…
'I'm going to die…' He realized suddenly, and sent a desperate, pleading look to the Sorceress.
From beneath her hood, the Sorceress actually snickered at his predicament.
Surely all of his crimes couldn't be bad enough for this sort of punishment, could they? He never actually hurt anyone when he stole from them! Wasn't there a law against cruel and unusual punishment anyways? Going to jail had to be more humane than this…
The shadow shoved him into a seat, and three hopeful gazes stared at him unblinkingly from the other side of the table, waiting for him to try their respective owners' foodstuffs.
"It's easier just to try the food and get it out of the way." The Kid commented from where he nonchalantly took a sip of coffee and read the morning paper…weirdo…
He glared, but turned back to the food and gulped.
Deciding to get The Dolt's…pudding (?)…out of the way first so the rest of the meal could (hopefully) drown out the taste…and maybe even kill it, since it still seemed to be moving…he grabbed a spoon and dipped it into the bowl.
The three stares became wide-eyed gapes (accompanied by three dropped jaws), the Sorceress stopped smirking, and even the Kid dropped his paper onto the table in favor of gawking at him.
Beginning to regret his decision but realizing he couldn't back out of it, he brought the (was it actually disintegrating?) spoon to his mouth and hesitantly placed the goop within his maw, his life flashing before his eyes.
Wait a second…
This reminded him of…orphanage food…
Not that he was saying that either was anything short of hazardous towards your health…but he had gotten used to the acidic bittersweet taste of such atrocities long ago.
He swallowed and placed the small metal twig (yes, the spoon had actually been disintegrating) back into the goop, watching it get swallowed up with a sick sort of fascination as the Titans gave him looks clearly stating that they thought he was either the most amazing or the most freakishly odd thing they'd ever seen (considering they weren't exactly the most normal beings on the planet, the latter was pretty bad).
"Dude…"
"You're…"
"Not dead…"
He looked up at them and blinked again. "It wasn't…that bad." He said.
"Dude, next you're gonna tell me criminals can become superheroes." The Comic Relief said.
He saw Cyborg bite his lip to keep from grinning at that, and felt himself do much the same.
"I didn't say it was good." He said. "Just that it wasn't bad. It's…edible…"
"Glorious!" The Dolt squealed. "You are fond of my planet's cuisine!"
"Actually…it reminds me of the shi—stuff they served at the orphanage when I was a kid."
She gave him a confused look.
"He means he isn't fond of it, he just doesn't hate it with a passion." The Sorceress translated.
"Oh!" The Dolt seemed happy anyways—in light of the expressions of the other Titans, he supposed he was the only person ever to not hate her…pudding…with a passion.
"Mine next!" The Comic Relief exclaimed.
Cyborg opened his mouth to argue, but he'd already picked up a piece of the tofu bacon. He took a bite of it...
And nearly gagged as all of the moisture was suddenly sucked out of his mouth.
"Cardboard…" He choked out, grabbing a glass and swallowing the entirety of its contents in two gulps in an attempt to wash down the dry substance and get some moisture back into his mouth. 'Well, the…pudding…taste is gone…' He thought dryly (no pun intended).
Cyborg burst out laughing while the Comic Relief sputtered loudly in protest to his declaration.
"Now," Cyborg set a plate piled high with meat in front of him, "some real food."
He grabbed a fork and stabbed the nearest meat (sausage), stuffing it into his mouth, chewing, and swallowing with what was probably a rather stupid smile and a sigh of, "Real food…"
'Ah, my dear death trap of grease, how I have missed thee…'
"I think that means he likes Cyborg's food best." The Sorceress commented sarcastically, smirk back in place as he jammed meat into his mouth almost faster than he could chew and swallow.
"Whoa, Red, you're gonna get a stomachache…or choke or something…" Cyborg said, taking the plate away so he would have to swallow all of the contents of his mouth before continuing.
He swallowed obediently. "Haven't eaten in nearly three weeks." He explained as the plate was returned and he continued stuffing himself.
"Dude, why?" The Comic Relief asked.
"Job in…" gulp, chomp, "Mexico." Slurp. "Never eat there." Gobble. "Or drink water."
"For three weeks?" The Kid asked, looking surprised.
He nodded wordlessly (mostly because his mouth was full and, though he'd raised himself, he did have impeccable manners…unless he got lazy…which he mostly was at the moment, but he preferred not to push it for the time being).
"What were you doing down there for three weeks?" The Sorceress asked.
He swallowed again. "Favor for an old client." He said, turning to Cyborg. "This is really good."
"Thanks. Whaddya mean 'old client'?" Cyborg asked curiously.
Feeling annoyed by the constant disruptions to his meal, he forced his latest mouthful down his throat with an almost audible gulp.
"I work a lot between hero gigs." He half-way lied. "To get food …" he blinked, and shook his head as he realized he'd basically just contradicted himself. "Odd jobs for whoever can pay. This old Mexican couple I did a job for a while back wanted me to get something for them that they lost," Or, rather, that they'd purposefully misplaced in a museum and been refused to have returned, "So I had to go down and find it," From deep within the jungle of tripwires, infrared traps, and invisible alarms, "Then find them, since they travel a lot, and return it to them."
Four Titans gave him surprised looks, while Cyborg gave him a look that clearly asked what he'd really been doing.
"It was a pain. Won't do it again." He concluded, and returned to the food.
"So basically you're still being a hero…you're just getting paid to do it?" The Kid frowned.
He shook his head. "No. That's the only job like that I've taken in a while." The truth…sort of. "If I'd known I was gonna get food like this I wouldn't have made them pay," That was definitely a boldfaced lie, seeing as he never turned down money, "But since last time I checked I can't predict the future…even heroes have to eat." He paused thoughtfully. "Eventually."
"Oh." The Kid almost seemed disappointed.
He was disappointed, too, but his reasoning was entirely different…
The (edible) food was gone.
"Glad you enjoyed my cooking, Red." Cyborg said, chortling.
"Haven't eaten like that since I was a kid." He admitted as he wiped his mouth.
"You mean the quality of the food, or the way you ate?" The Sorceress asked.
"The way I ate." He clarified. "Trust me: I've never seen, much less tasted, so much good food in my entire life, especially not when I was a kid."
"Uhuh…?" The Kid prompted.
"I…had a rough life growing up. But that's neither here nor now, so..." He shrugged and stood, stretching his arms above his head and leaning back until he was almost parallel to the floor, sighing happily when his back emitted a series of loud cracks, and some of its tension was released. He straightened and looked at his new housemates. "Where does one go to train around here?"
"The obstacle course, the gym, or the training room." The Kid replied. "We'll show you how to get to all of them, but for now you'll be going to the last one."
He allowed one of his eyebrows to raise upward in wordless questioning of the statement.
"You and Rae are gonna duke it out." Cyborg elaborated.
He blinked. "Duke what out?" Were he and the Sorceress fighting? And if so...why hadn't he been told about this sooner...?
"Nothing personal, dude. We just wanna see how you fight." The Comic Relief said.
"Oh. Sure." He said, wondering why the Kid hadn't just said so instead of acting like such an upstart about it…of course, he wasn't entirely sure the Kid knew how not to act like an upstart…
"Come on then."
He shrugged and followed the Kid, but decided he might just have to piss the leader of the Titans off later for acting like a prick…and just because he enjoyed pissing the Kid off…
(THE RUSH)