She was shot. I thought she was dead. I saw it with my own eyes. If she wasn't, why didn't she come over and check on me. That's what you do when an agent is shot near you. Am I wrong? Maybe she didn't care. When I got up and looked for her she was gone. I did what I was supposed to.

So when I saw her jump down from the truck, I was little surprised to see her.

Yes, a missing person is different; you are still actively looking for that person. Seeing as this case is anything but ordinary, I didn't give up. I poured over records, leads, anything that could tell me where she was. But at a certain point, you give up. There is no information, no other witnesses, no more gut feelings, you just have to walk away. Maybe, if you're lucky – somewhere down the road you find something.

I have repeated many times that I hate Special Operations especially those directly from SecNav. There always seems to be pieces missing, that we don't see or they surface weeks, months and sometimes, years later.

But here she was, Special Agent Erica Jane Barrett, trying to explain why she was on the run. I was just pissed that she didn't think she could reach out. She didn't trust me. I remembered Belva-fucking-Lockwood. I remembered Naples and the pizza. She didn't trust me. Some relationship that was.

What's interesting though, is that when Ziva and I had said everything we needed to, we left each other, our actions were justified – yet, I didn't believe that she could be dead. No way, no how. I mean, Ziva David doesn't lose fights, she doesn't concede, she doesn't give up and she most certainly doesn't disappear like the wind.

I don't know why I continually feel the need to compare these two. Maybe it's just me. I say compare lightly, because, well Ziva is who I use for the measure. No one will ever do but her.

"You never bring a knife to a gun fight."

"James Bond?"

"Untouchables. 1987. Connery won an Academy Award for that."

"I liked him in Xanadu."

"You know one of these days, I'd like to actually meet someone who appreciates movies the way I do. Or least appreciates the way I appreciate them."

For a moment, I'm back to case from a year ago. Leona Phelps was bilking the Navy for millions. Ziva and I were on surveillance detail and Gibbs came to tell us the heist already happened. He had the itemized list of goods from the Phelps estate. Ziva had taken a look at the list and became so excited in a way I had never seen.

"Uhh. It belonged to William Faulkner. I loved his writing." A sound I rarely heard escaped her mouth as she realized who the desk had once belonged to.

"Total genius."

"Yesssss! I was worth learning English for. Just for The Sound and The Fury. Or that chapter in As I Lay Dying, you know the one, the five words where Vardaman says, 'My mother is a fish.'" The look on her face was priceless.

"I don't really like his books that much. But I'm a big fan of the movies that he made based on other people's books like The Big Sleep and To Have and Have Not. I mean he gave us Bogie and Bacall. God Bless You, William Faulkner."

That night we came to an understanding that William Faulkner had touched both our lives in significantly different ways but we would always appreciate that fact about each other.

Hearing EJ's voice brings me back to reality. "She does, Tony."

"Who?" Like I didn't know.

"Ziva."

I laugh. "Agent Ziva David believes that Pirates of the Carribean is a cinema classic."

"I'm not talking about movies, Tony. I'm talking about you. She cares."

"What's the matter with you? We're co-workers. We're teammates. We have each other's backs."

"Exactly."

For fuck's sake, even EJ has noticed something. Maybe, that's why I knew it would never work. Maybe it's time to stop running.

"Agent Cruz seems to be communication issues."

"I'm losing my patience."

"As you well should."

"You know, you and I – we have a lot in common in that respect."

"You think?"

"I don't think. I know."

"Well then, I'm glad to have someone in my life who is as romantically dysfunctional as I am?"

"Agent David, do you really consider me to be in your life?" I stare into her eyes waiting for a confirmation that doesn't come. She just looks at me and has a crooked smile. Do you really consider me to be in your life?I ponder this – of course I'm in her life. Whatever definition it is currently, fine.

The phone rings while we are having this moment. Of course, CI-Ray would call now. I bet he has the placed bugged or cameras on her desk. The Agency is pretty sneaky.

She picks the phone and looks at then looks up at me, "What am I supposed to say?"

What else is there but, "say hello"

I stay planted on the edge of her desk, waiting for her phone call with CI-Ray to be over. I hear her say, "Ray – Yes, I can talk." She has what seems to be a brief conversation with him especially after eight weeks, excuse me seven, of not speaking.

She hangs up and head back over to me, "Are you ready?"

"Of course, just waiting on you. That conversation didn't last too long."

"He was informing me he will be visiting soon. We have much to discuss then."

So, wait let me get this straight; after seven weeks of no talking, no texting, no emailing after almost saying good-bye because she doesn't want to wait anymore. CI-Ray calls and BOOM, he says he coming to visit and that absolves him from fucking blantantly ignoring her. Fuck that.

She grabs her bag and looks at me. "After you . . ." I say as I almost reach up and touch her back. The elevator dings. I'm going to need a strong drink, maybe two.

We grab our usual seats at the bar. Brett sees us and brings over the usual. "You guys eating tonight?"

I look to Ziva, "Answer the man."

"It would not hurt to look at menu, I suppose." Brett looks like he expects her response as he puts down the menu in front of her. He turns and walks away. Ziva doesn't even look at the menu. She just turns to look at me and says nothing.

"Something on your mind, David?"

"I love Ray, really. But I would like to go a week having him here. Right now, I would settle for having the ability to communicate with him everyday. You know, like you and EJ working together, talking everyday, even going home at night. Perhaps, I need someone who is around more often. I am fully aware that his job entails a veil of secrecy, maybe I need to re-evaluate the situation."

"Do you and Ray talk about your relationship when you get the chance to?"

"Not really, usually we are just so thrilled to have a few days together we do not let that interfere."

"I'm not usually a fan of the talks but sometimes that is what it comes down to. Because if you can't say what you mean – you'll just keep repeating the pattern."

"When did you become so wise on this subject?"

"Me? I wouldn't say wise. I have experienced many dreaded relationship talks, Ziva. I do have a sensitive side. I'm not all rock, you know."

"So, what would you do?"

"I think that there is a person for each of us. I thought I had found her in Baltimore, clearly she didn't feel the same way. Another time, I fell hard for someone I was ordered to gain trust from – that took time to get over. Then, I think about the girl who I broke rules for, the girl who didn't actually need something from me. So, now I sit here with my best friend still clinging for the chance to fill both cups."

"Both cups?"

"Work and family. It's a balance I've yet to manage."

"Well, I don't have that balance either. Maybe my time has passed."

"Have you thought about a future with CI-Ray?"

"What if I say not really?"

"Then you, my friend, need to keep searching."

"What if I do not want to keep searching? What if I am done with that? What I think it may be the last person I would expect it to be?"

"You deserve to happy, Ziva. You owe it yourself. You can't keep letting moments pass you by. No regrets."

"No regrets, huh. I'll have to try that."

Regrets, I have them. Sure, maybe I should start acting on my own fucking advice. Is this the time to tell her? Nope. When will the time be? Maybe when she says good-bye to CI-Ray. She will, right? She doesn't seem to me like she would surrender and settle. I suppose if she does and she claims she happy, I have to be happy for her. I guess I'll be leading myself down the rabbit hole. I may just fall to have it be done with. Maybe that's what I'm doing surrounding myself with people I'd give me own life for.

I'm talking about giving up a shot at happily ever after because the ninja I want may choose someone else.

That which does not kill you, makes you stronger.

Thanks for reading - have a couple chapters left!