Shit. My ninja-is-close-to-me sense is tingling – that is never good. She does not seem happy when she appears behind me. She wants McGeek to block a secure government line. Mayday– The blockee seems to have called everyone, even the Boss Man. Who does he think he is? CI-Ray, please. He really knows how to push Ziva's buttons; so do I but, man, she's never blocked my calls. I wonder what he did piss her off so much.
CI-Ray seems to think that I can talk to Ziva. I mean I am like a brother to her, right? She'll listen to me. Oh, silly CI-Ray. I told him to just tell her himself. I've never talked to this much to him. He's much more lucid talking about what is on his mind and how he feels. (Maybe I admire him for it. I will think about this.) You never stand a girl up, especially one Ziva David – unless you really don't like her.
He entrusted me with proposal intentions. So, the code is hereby enacted. I can't tell anyone about this – all men live by this code. Bastard. I don't want to know about their relationship from both sides. I was quite happy only hearing Ziva's point of view because I was able to dislike Ray. Doesn't mean I like him more now. No, I just have to act like I give a fuck.
When Detective Nick Burris plows through all the local LEO's to catch one more glimpse of his wife. His partner is powerless to stop him. We question the partner – he looked up to the Burris' relationship. They were happy and still in love. It's rare feat in the type of job we do.
Burris knows how to make an entrance. He's back and he wants answers. We all do. I think back to when I thought Ziva was dead. I didn't have time to grieve at work. I couldn't show my breakdown. He does it with no remorse. But I'm lucky, because she is still here.
Burris doesn't let up. He is another example to me of not having what I want. He was a great detective and Maya had her job as Naval Attache, taking her around the world. But they always made time for each other. As I stand with Ziva, watching Gibbs and Nick talk, it makes me think of what I could lose. I wonder if she's thinking of her and Ray. What if she makes this mistake? What is she has regrets marrying him? Does she know how much this hurts? I'll always regret not telling her.
Gibbs doesn't know what else to do with Burris. I volunteer to talk to him. He shares similar sentiments, about the work becoming all your life. He was lucky though. He has both cups. Family and having a job he loves that he gets to work at everyday. Sure, after a while – a disconnection will occur, it doesn't mean you love your job less it just means that another part of life can open up. The other cup.
I was just about to leave when Nick, handed me a piece of paper. He shrugged and said he didn't recognize the name. R. Cruz.
You have to be fucking kidding me. He didn't come to DC just for Ziva. He couldn't. Now, I have to call Ziva and tell her. She's very quiet on the phone. I don't have to see her to know she's pissed. She is probably standing there trying so hard she doesn't give up any emotions. She tells me she'll go alone. I have to let her. This hurts me because it hurts her.
I overhear Ziva on the phone saying, "Sure, Ray." She looks at me as I come down the stairs, renting a jet; how cliché. A phone to Mom and Dad Cruz won't do. An email, a Skype session – come on.
She thinks about saying yes because she doesn't want to live regrets. Well, la-di-fucking-da. No one wants to live with regrets. Apparently, I might have to. I will because she'll be happy – I may have to let her go. I don't know if I can – everything will shift. I don't know if I'm ready for life change.
I wonder what Eli David would think of his darling daughter marrying CI-Ray. Actually, I don't doubt they know each other. I wonder if the Boss Man really likes him. Gibbs was vocal about mine and EJ's relationship, maybe because of the whole Rule Number 12. But I don't think he's ever said anything to Ziva about it. She would have told me, right? Ziva is going to do what she wants anyway.
There is a unwritten rule – when discussing pertinent case information, you don't leave the Squad Room. But Ziva noticed something out of ordinary and down the elevator banks she goes. I watch her as she leaves, I contemplate going after her but dealing with Gibbs is not something I want to get involved with now. Gibbs follows her but comes right back.
I look at McGee and then to Gibbs, "Everything alright, Boss?"
"She has something to do." That ends that conversation.
Ziva comes back about 10 minutes later. She had the I-can-kill-someone-with-my-bare-hands-right-now look. She grabs her coat and heads to the other elevator. Gibbs tells Ziva, he'll drive and he's off too. I look at Tim, again. He just shrugs. But once they are on the elevator, he calls Abby.
"It was Ray's number."
"Not good, Tim. Not good."
"I didn't think it was."
I wish that I could have been there with her. I imagine she'll make him bleed, to be a fly on the wall then. Am I a bad person because I like the fact it was Ray? Yes, I thought so. But I still ache for Burris, because he lost his wife, his partner. She didn't need to die. She was collateral damage.
Nick Burris came in to thank you for all of our work. He wanted Ray's name and Ziva gave it to him. We laughed when he asked us how long we'd been together. I wish I could have said years. But he left me with something - he said to cherish the time we have together because we never know when we will need someone to be there. I need her everyday.
I walk Ziva to her car after we leave Nick. "Are you going to be alright?"
"I sure know how to pick them."
"You just haven't found the right guy. Do you want to grab a bite or do you need alone time?"
"Tony, you are the only person I can be around and not have to say a word to. I can be myself with you."
"Well, I kinda dig the Ziva you are now – even sometimes miss the ninja."
"So, I will call for pizza and meet you at home."
"Mine or yours? Make sure you ask for the red pepper. You always forget."
"Mine. I bought some for you, Tony. I do not need to listen to you groan about not having it."
"Smart move. It only took a few years."
"True. I am still learning. When it comes to food, I do not want to be in your way."
"Just food?"
"No, there are others quirks, but food seems to be most important."
Ziva tells me about the proposal over pizza. "Yes, he used the phrase now or never."
I stopped her, I couldn't hear anymore. "That's a big no – no. You never ask a girl to marry you if there is chance she'll say no. Did you ever discuss it?"
"A little. At some point you begin to mention the future but deep down you know it will never work out. You think about breaking it off when the future is mentioned but you know the good times are surpassing your need to get out. The flipside though, if you do not voice your concerns you end up becoming angry at the thought of a future with that person. Maybe being apart made those images fade. But when he came back, I thought giving in would quiet them. I suppose that is not the case. . . You never told me about the end of you and Wendy."
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, it will be good for you."
"We had just finished the rehearsal dinner. She said she wants a quick word. I thought she wanted to talk about speeches or something. She took my hands and looked into my eyes, with a straight face she said she couldn't go through with it. She said she loved me but not enough to get married. I remember taking my hands back. I had nothing to say to her – she turned to leave and that was it. She went to enjoy the rehearsal dinner for the non-existent wedding. I didn't follow her. I just left. But it got me thinking – did everyone at the rehearsal know about this? Someone must have known. What did she say? I couldn't go through with it. I always wondered how that played out. I was angry because I was standing up there on what was supposed to be the eve of the happiest day of my life. She made me look like a complete fucking idiot – oblivious to the issues I didn't know we had. So, that my dear friend is why I am careful now." I look at her and reach hand under her chin. "You're supposed to be excited at the possibility of spending your life with someone. You are supposed to talk about having a house, kids, a dog and yes, maybe even a wagon. It's not supposed to scare you. When you can envision holding hands with that person around the yard while the kid and the dog are playing in front of you. You can picture it all. Don't get me wrong, there may be some tough times but the are dwarfed compared to the good times. Then you know – you shouldn't let that person go."
She looks at me with clouded eyes. "Tony, I am sorry. It must have hurt so much."
"It was nine and half years ago, Ziva. I've closed myself off from that aspect of my life. But I'll have to think I will find the right person."
"You still remember it like it was yesterday."
"It changes a man. There are other events I remember more vividly, Ziva. It's all part of life, eh? Were you actually going to marry Ray?"
"In hindsight, there were many secrets. I do not think I could have lived my life wondering what version of Ray I was with at the time. We were not the right fit."
She gets up, bringing her wine glass with her. "More?" I shake my head as I get up and bring the dishes into the kitchen.
"Just bring the bottle, David." I say laughing as I load the dishwasher. "I think we will need it."
"Just one?" She laughs. She laughs a fucking laugh I haven't seen or heard for some time.
"Well, I have to drive home."
"No, you do not. Tomorrow is Saturday – we do not have to work. Yet, anyway."
"How can I say no?"
"You cannot."
We make our way back to the couch. Wine glasses filled. Bottles on the table. Another classic movie, Ziva has never seen – meaning there will the pauses for questions, explanations and thoughts. A few times, she was laughing at parts that weren't meant to funny.
"And this Annie Wilkes character won an Oscar for this?"
"Her name is Kathy Bates and yes, she did."
"You know there are more practical ways to make someone, like Paul, write a novel than to hold up a knife."
"I'm sure in your version, he's already re-writing."
"Of course."
This is the first Friday night in long time that feels just right.
It's time to stop pretending.