Gradually, the fading sparks of pleasure gave way to the slowly spreading heat of humiliation, as Barney's sex-hazed mind finally regained the ability to form a coherent thought. He stared down in rising dismay at the ruins Ted had left of his suit, wondering how in the world he was going to get himself together enough to be able to set foot outside the bathroom.
Not that staying in the bathroom necessarily guaranteed a lack of humiliation. Barney's face flushed as he imagined the picture he would make to anyone who happened to enter the men's room at that moment, to find him kneeling on the floor, his dick hanging out of his open pants, his clothing all rumpled and disheveled and covered in come – the picture of wanton debauchment.
Oh, crap. Someone could come in here any second! Get up, you idiot, get up off the floor!
Barney scrambled to his feet and staggered toward the sinks, gripping the edge of the nearest one to steady himself – but staring down at the sink for a long moment, not yet ready to face himself in the mirror. Instead, he splashed some cold water on his face, dried it with a towel, then did his best to adjust his clothing to display the least possible amount of damage – which was still far too much for his liking.
He wet a few paper towels and did his best to wipe away the stains on the outside of his pants, ignoring the disgusting feeling on the inside of them as he slipped out the bathroom door, peering around the corner out into the main room. He could see his friends, seated at their usual table, laughing at something Ted had just said – and Barney's heart began to race, a sick feeling of humiliation creeping over him.
He wouldn't tell them. Surely he wouldn't. He's just… distracting them. Putting on his act, like he's been doing for the last few weeks.
Barney cast a resentful glare in Ted's direction before slipping back out of sight.
And he's getting pretty damn good at it.
Barney glanced up and down the narrow hall where the restrooms were located, currently his hiding place, in search of any other escape – and, mercifully, he found one. He wasn't quite sure how he'd managed to come to this bar for the last five years without ever realizing that there was an emergency exit in this hallway. He was just desperately relieved and grateful to find that there was one.
Praying that opening the door wouldn't set off an alarm, Barney slipped out onto the street. He held his breath for a moment – but nothing happened, and he let out a sigh of relief, resting his head in his hands for a moment and drawing in a deep breath, trying to steady himself a little, before heading down the sidewalk a little ways, wanting to put some distance between himself and MacLaren's before hailing a cab.
He ignored the odd looks the driver kept giving him on the way home, certain that as appalling as he must look, he couldn't possibly be the most pathetic, disgusting fare this cabbie had ever taken. Besides, Barney was fairly well distracted with trying to make sense of what was happening between him and Ted.
He had no idea how they'd gotten here – how they'd gone from a few demeaning but relatively harmless tests of his friendship, to a dirty hookup in the men's room at the bar.
We have to talk about it, he decided as the cabbie stopped outside his apartment building. That's all there is to it. Forget the tests, forget all that. We're way past that now. We need to talk about what this is, before it goes any farther, because… if we don't… things will inevitably get awkward, and there won't be any coming back from it, and no matter how hard I've been trying to do what he wants and make him happy… none of that will matter…
It'll be the end of our friendship, anyway.
But over the next couple of weeks, talking didn't seem to be high on Ted's list of priorities.
He sought Barney out repeatedly for similar hookups, manipulating circumstances to get the two of them alone, twice more at MacLaren's, and twice in Ted's bedroom while Robin was at work.
The first time, Barney tried to protest – and the second – but Ted had very effective ways of swiftly shutting him up, and making him forget why he'd wanted to object in the first place. The third time, Barney didn't bother trying to talk Ted out of what he wanted to do – mostly because a large part of Barney wanted it, too.
He knew it wasn't right. There was so much about the entire situation that was so painful – just so irrevocably fucked up.
The way that Ted would talk to him and treat him in those stolen, secret moments – his usually kind voice uttering harsh commands, then filling Barney's ears with whispered, filthy, degrading words while he carried them out; his hands grasping and rough and demanding, not caring whether or not they hurt; his eyes cold and warning, daring Barney to object, or to refuse him the next time, when he inevitably walked away.
But there was always a little tremor in Ted's whispered words, an almost imperceptible sound of desperation that told Barney how much Ted wanted him – a raw, open need in his grasping, possessive hands, as if Ted couldn't stop touching him, and couldn't stand the thought of anyone else touching him, either – and a resignation, a certainty in those cold eyes every time he walked away… because they both knew that he'd be back again.
And to add to the confusion, Ted no longer seemed to question their friendship – at least in public. He didn't come up with any new "tests" for Barney to perform. He just started acting as if everything was normal between them again – except when they were alone together.
Then, he treated Barney like his own personal whore.
It was disturbing and degrading and… yeah, a little hot… and more than a little confusing.
It didn't take Barney long to decide that he needed to get some advice.
"So…" he began, not quite making eye contact as he slid onto the under-sized plastic bench across from the one on which Lily was sitting, mopping up a spilled carton of milk off the tray of the child seated beside her. "I've got this problem."
Lily looked up at him incredulously before glancing around the cafeteria with a worried frown. "What are you doing here?" she demanded. "How did you even get in here? Only the main office door is unlocked right now, and all visitors have to sign in…"
"I signed in," Barney insisted, defensive. "I didn't… sign my own name, but…"
"Barney!" Lily cut him off sternly, getting up quickly and moving around the table to snatch a piece of pizza away from a child who appeared to be trying to use it to comb the hair of the child seated next to him. "I'm working, okay? You should probably go."
"Lily, I'm desperate," Barney pleaded, even as he rose to his feet to comply. "Please. Don't you have a few minutes? It's… kind of an emergency…"
Lily stopped for a moment in front of him, her frown deepening as she studied his face with suspicion – that gradually softened into concern. She glanced at her watch before nodding slowly.
"Okay, she relented with a sigh. "I don't have a few minutes now, but come back in an hour. They'll be napping then, so just come to my classroom." Barney opened his mouth to express his gratitude, but she held up a stern finger in his face, adding in a warning stage whisper, "But this had better not be some disgusting sex thing, Barney, because I needed six weeks of therapy after the last time…"
"It's not," Barney lied with conviction. "I swear. Thanks, Lily, I'll be back in an hour. Thank you so much, you are awesome…"
"Barney…" Lily turned away from the child she had just set gently but firmly back down in his seat to face him with a soft but impatient sigh. "I'll see you later. Okay?"
An hour later, Barney found himself seated cross-legged on the carpet of Lily's classroom, watching as she went around to each child and made sure that they were all asleep, or headed swiftly in that direction, before turning off the light. Sunlight filtered through the closed blinds, giving them just enough dim light to see by, without disturbing the sleeping children.
"Okay," Lily said in a hushed tone as she mirrored Barney's position on the floor beside him. "What's the deal?"
"I just… I've got this… situation," Barney began, choosing his words cautiously. "And… I just need someone else's perspective on it. I… I think I'm not seeing it clearly because I'm too close to the situation, so…"
Lily raised a single, dubious eyebrow. "That's very self-aware of you, Barney," she observed, something vaguely knowing in her tone that made him feel self-conscious and exposed.
He gave a dismissive little shrug, looking away uncomfortably. Sometimes it seemed like Lily was the only one of his friends capable of seeing through the carefully constructed façade he presented to the world, and acknowledging the existence of the deeper, more vulnerable side of his personality – the side he tried so hard to pretend did not exist. It was unsettling and a relief at the same time. It was both why he came to her at times like this – and why he always put it off until the last possible moment.
"So… say I've got this… hypothetical friend…"
"Marshall or Ted?"
Barney's stomach lurched a little at how close she'd gotten to the truth, so quickly, but he just rolled his eyes at her, forcing a little smirk to his lips. "That I kind of have a thing for…" he added pointedly.
Unfazed, Lily nodded. "So, Ted, then," she decided.
Barney stared at her in disbelief, his heart lurching with alarm. After a few seconds, he managed to regain his composure enough to give her a withering glare. "Great. Don't take my crisis seriously. What else is new?"
"Kidding," Lily broke in, reaching out to rest a gentle hand on his knee for a moment. "Sorry, Barney. It was just a joke."
Barney gave her a wary, resentful look before looking down at his lap again, swallowing hard. He tried not to wonder whether or not she'd really been joking, or whether she might have picked up on the changing dynamic between him and Ted. Instead, he focused on coming up with a plausible enough version of the truth to keep Lily from figuring it out, while still, hopefully, providing him with useful advice.
"So… this friend," he continued cautiously. "That I have feelings for…" He gave Lily a pointed look as he went on, "She's… been giving me signals that… maybe she feels the same way. I think. I mean… I think they're signals…" Barney gave Lily a smug smirk as he added, "if letting me nail her every other night or so is a signal…"
"Ew, Barney." Lily rolled her eyes. "You said this wasn't a sex thing…"
"I said it wasn't a disgusting sex thing," Barney amended, holding up a finger to emphasize his point. His smile faded and he met Lily's eyes, adding before she could protest, "And… it's more than that. It's not just about the sex… for me, anyway."
Lily frowned thoughtfully for a moment – and then her eyes widened with realization as she observed, "Barney Stinson! Am I to understand that you've actually slept with this mystery woman more than once?"
"Yes, Barney confirmed. "We have sex all the time actually – and usually, she's the one to start it. But then, afterwards, she wants me to leave right away. She kind of… runs hot and cold, you know? Like… she'll just call me up out of the blue to hook up, but then… after the hook up… she's kind of…" He hesitated a moment, his face flushed with embarrassment as he confessed, "… kind of mean. Kind of… shuts me out for a while. And… she doesn't seem to want to take things any farther in any other way – just sexually."
Lily just blinked, staring across the room at nothing, still apparently stuck on the last part of the conversation. "You're… sleeping with someone. As in… an ongoing sleeping with someone. Repeated incidents. Of sex."
"Right," Barney confirmed flatly. "We've established that. The thing is… what would you say if I were to tell you…" He glanced up at her uneasily, biting his lower lip as he admitted softly, "… that… I kinda think… I might want it to be… more than that? More than just… repeated incidents of sex?"
Lily studied him for a moment before giving him a rueful little grimace. Her tone was knowing but sympathetic as she replied at last, "I think I'd say something like, 'Ever hear of a little thing called karma?'"
Barney's heart sank with those words, and he looked away – but it must have shown in his eyes before he did, because Lily reached out to him again, putting a gentle arm around his shoulders and scooting in closer.
"Aw, you're really into this girl, aren't you?" she observed softly.
He nodded, not looking up from his hands, fidgeting idly in his lap.
Lily frowned suddenly, tensing slightly as a new thought occurred to her. "It's not Robin, is it?" she demanded. "Do I have to have a stern talk with her?"
"No, no," Barney assured her. "It's not Robin. It's not… anyone you know, actually…"
I don't think she'd recognize this side of Ted if she saw it. Sometimes I don't even think I know him anymore.
"Sometimes I forget that you actually have other friends," Lily teased, nudging him with her shoulder.
Barney responded with a grudging little smile, rolling his eyes – before the smile faded into a sigh, and he looked down again, dejected and at a loss.
"Barney," Lily began at last, "I think you just have to decide exactly what it is that you want from this girl – and then you need to tell her. And… if she can give you that, then, great. But… if she can't…" Lily's words slowed, becoming cautious and gentle, as she went on, "… if all she wants really is just the sex, then… then you'll have to decide whether or not that's something you can deal with. You have meaningless sex all the time, but… that's with strangers, and… and this girl is a friend. So… if you're okay with that being all you get from her, then by all means, carry on with the disgusting acts of perversion." Her teasing smile faded as she concluded, "But… if you want more than that, and she can't give it – then you'll have to put a stop to things. Because if you don't, sooner or later – you're going to end up hurt."
Barney nodded slowly, accepting her advice – but his heart sank with defeat at her words.
He was pretty sure he knew what Ted's answer would be if he broached the subject – and he was pretty sure that it was far too late to spare himself the heartbreak.