Chapter 2

As October progressed I found myself paying attention to the women in my HS 101 classes, I was trying to figure out who was writing journal #57. I told myself it was because she actually understood the assignment and was using the class to explore herself instead of hoping to see porno and an easy A. My class was many things but an easy A wasn't one of them.

Over the course of the month I was able to narrow #57 down to about 20 women. I was able to eliminate most because I had seen them with their journals either in class or during office hours and none of them where #57. Some I checked off because they were so outspoken and sexual in class but in a crude, crass way and I was fairly sure she would not behave that way. As she stated she was more privately sexual and I was sure did not do crass. Never in my 10 years of teaching had I tried to figure out who a journal belonged to, what made this woman different? I wasn't sure but something did.

What did I hope to have happen once I figured out who she was? I didn't know but I found myself hoping she would be as unique as I thought she would be.

I was looking forward to her journal this month. In her entries before she had taken what was talked about in class and applied it to her own quest in self discovery. This month we had discussed some of the extreme kink in sexual behavior: bestiality, necrophilia, and infantilism. We also covered some of the less extreme kink: S&M, BDSM and good old fashioned bondage. I was particularly interested in reading her thoughts on BDSM and bondage. I recognized her as a submissive, did she recognize her submissive nature? Is that why I was so curious about her, was her woman calling out to my man?

The day the journals were due I was able to discount five more woman as they handed theirs to me personally. The one I was waiting for was placed on the table with a group of about eight others by Ms. Malloy. That led me to believe the woman was in my afternoon class. If that was true I could narrow it down further but I needed to wait and be sure it was picked up again in the afternoon class, at this point I was only crossing them off the list if I had absolutely no doubt it was not her.

I took the journals home with me for the weekend and sat in my study holding # 57 in my hands trying to determine if I wanted to read it first or if I would use it break up the normal college escapades I would be reading about. I decide to save it for when I had enough of the others and that didn't take long. After reading 25 retellings of either college fuck fests or student/teacher fantasies I was ready for #57. I mean did they not realize I knew the teacher thing was about me even if they never said a name. Two of the journals were a little frightening because I was sure they were written by men, they sounded almost stalkerish and I didn't swing that way. So I grabbed a beer, #57 and settled in to my chair.

I must say it took me days to open this once it was back in my hands. I expected to find the word freak and then be told how far off base I was in this assignment. I was pleasantly surprised when that didn't happen. Being raised with a sexually and emotionally repressed father and a mother that is too free with everything including sex I have always known that growing up I didn't have good examples of relationships sexual or otherwise. It felt good to know I had somehow managed to figure it out on my own, to a point anyway.

I thought back over the past month's classes as a whole and realized that most people, at least those my age, don't see the sensuality or sexuality in sex let alone other things. I still don't understand the attraction to random sex, not that I judge those who do but it is not for me. I mean if it is all about the hook up then do they ever experience the slow burn of having your partner idly rubbing your hip bone with his thumb as you watch TV or the tingling in their fingers when they slowly run those fingers over his six pack playing with the hair of his happy trail lost in thought because the silence is that comfortable. If it is all about 'getting off' do they take the time to notice how his back muscles flex and roll with every thrust, how his slight angle change hits the spot that instantly scrambles my brain or how when I touch the place we are joined he groans because my fingers are also sliding along his slickened cock and it is another unexpected sensation in a sea of them. I forget the author but one quote is stuck in my mind. "Sex is more than an act of pleasure, its' the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can't take it. And at this moment you're a part of them." With that quote in mind I can't help but ask the question.

Which one of us is missing out, the girl looking for the random hook up or the one who longs for more, me?

I had to set her journal down after the first entry. My mind was full of things she described but I was the man with a faceless girl. I had my share of random hook ups in college and since then, would I find it awkward to explain my sexual history to someone I wanted to build a life with. I had never thought so but now I was rethinking that assumption. I would have a hard time explaining it to this woman and for reasons I didn't want to examine yet it bothered me that she may think less of me because of my past.

Are you sure you are 22? You seem very insightful about things. Most college students enjoy the instant gratification of random sex and society today makes that more of the norm than the exception. As I said before be true to yourself and it sounds as if you are. Questioning yourself is normal and leads to self discovery. It doesn't sound as if you are altering your basic self and that is very important, do not do something you will regret just to be able to say you did it and that includes sexual experiences.

As I read over her entry and my note I found myself feeling envious of a dead 17 year old boy. If he had the same feelings about their sexual experiences as she had he was a very lucky boy indeed.

I sit in class and listen to the way students talk about their partners and how they talk about you. Is sex just sex? I mean if it is just about the orgasm that can be achieved without a partner and often in a more satisfying way. But the fact that they look for a partner, even different ones, doesn't that also mean they want some type of connection? Granted when you bed hop it is a superficial physical one but still a connection, no? I am not sure, I hope we touch on that more in class later. So it is ironic that today's class deals with bestiality, infantilism and that sort of kink. The class was snickering about the bestiality but a point that should have been made was that often some of the most cruel and hideous beasts are in fact human. I suppose you are thinking I should have made that point myself if I feel it is important but some things hit to close to home to be able to discuss rationally in a classroom.

My second relationship taught me about bestiality, having sex with an animal that sums up my time with him. It wasn't the physical acts done to me that had me considering ending it all it was the fact that I made it so easy to be taken advantage of. I think we should touch on that in class, the guilt sometimes associated with sex. It can be stifling, trust me. In my defense we started out consensual and each of us found what we were looking for in the arrangement, or so I thought. When he wanted more than I could give he decided to take what he could get while showing me the error in my thinking and that was not consensual. The guilt came from thinking I should have read the situation better but hindsight is 20/20. It took some time to realize the guilt was not mine alone.

I had no idea what to say. She said it was a relationship so it probably wasn't date rape but obviously it was some form of rape. She called him an animal, it was not consensual. But guilt, we would be touching on that later when we discussed religion and sex. Why would she think she made it easy for him? Why did this make me so angry? Of course I don't want any woman raped or made to do things against her will but this felt as if it had been done to my woman. My rage was amplified. How was it possible I was growing attached to this woman? I knew almost nothing about her but a part of me wanted what she had already experienced...love. I laid the journal down and went to bed. I couldn't deal with anymore tonight.

I dreamed of making love to a woman in my bed. When she trailed her fingers down my chest my muscles clinched. I couldn't see her face, her long hair was draped around her but when she ran her tongue up my cock my entire body shivered. This was making love, she loved me, and it showed in every touch, every sigh and every whisper along my body. I have fucked plenty of women but never have I made love to a woman. This wasn't sex, this was several levels up from sex and it had never felt this good. I wanted to cum so bad and then the dream changed.

She was cuffed to my cross and I was pounding into her from behind one hand teasing her clit and the other pulling on her nipple clamps and she loved it. As I ran my hand down her body I was in awe of how much this woman loved me. She submitted to me in every way because she loved me and I loved her. Yes the sex was animalistic but I was not an animal with her, I loved her and I felt the hum between us intensify with every stroke. I woke up right as I was cumming on my chest. What the fuck? I couldn't even remember the last time I had a wet dream. I cleaned myself up and fell into a dreamless sleep - thank god.

I found myself back in my study the next afternoon staring at #57's journal and thinking back to my dreams. What was this woman doing to me and more importantly why? I didn't even know who this woman was, why was she taking over my thoughts? I shook my head and continued with her journal.

I was surprised at people's response to the classes this week. They are so narrow minded and uninformed but worse are the ones who dabble and then try to speak with authority about the lifestyle. I am a submissive, I know this about myself.

So she did know she was submissive. Does she already have a Dom?

Once I managed to remove myself from a BDSM relationship that turned abusive I thought I would never do it again. But being a submissive is not something I can turn on and off it is who I am. I have seen relationships that are on a purely sexual level and one that is between a BDSM married couple and when engaged in properly it can be a beautiful thing to see. I have no tolerance for the people who insist it is about beating women or degrading women, they have no idea what they are talking about. I don't even blame anyone for my relationship turning abusive, as I said I made it easy, I should have done my research on my own but I trusted the person and that was almost a mistake I couldn't take back.

I understand the men in class thinking that just tying up someone makes it BDSM, they are too busy thinking with the little head instead of the one on their shoulders. I am always surprised that people don't realize the sub holds all the power, if it is true BDSM. I have to admit I miss it. I miss feeling the ropes biting gently into my skin, the way they tighten or loosen depending on my movements. But mostly I miss the security that comes from the trust I have in letting someone have me entirely at their mercy. I miss it, I crave it but I am not sure I can place that level of trust in some one again. Yet still, I miss it.

What did not surprise me was the lack of actual knowledge people have about the level of commitment a BDSM lifestyle entails. This is not rolling in and out bed with people. It takes focus and reading the signals your partner is sending. As I said I miss it. I miss having someone know my limits better than I do. I miss the sense of pride and accomplishment that stems from knowing you pleased your Dom and not just sexually. This is what my friends would not understand, if they knew this part of me they would run for the hills. Their kink is child's play compared to my kink.

She was a sub. I was having a tough time getting past that fact. Had I seen her at any of the munches? As I thought back I didn't remember seeing any of my students there. I hadn't had a sub in over a year, no one fit the bill but I had played at the club and parties. No I was sure I had not met this woman but had I seen her and overlooked her. Maybe she was getting back into the life after her relationship.

BDSM is often misinterpreted and misunderstood. But, as you said, it can also be very beautiful between two consenting adults. If being a submissive is who you are then you will not be able to deny your nature for long, when you are ready to try again be sure to do so in a safe environment. Remember that trust is earned and a good Dom will understand your need to go slowly. You must also realize that were you to become involved in a D/s relationship again it may be almost impossible to keep that from your friends depending on the arrangement.

I read over my comments and hoped I hadn't given too much away. I would need to pay more attention to the dozen or so women I thought could be #57 and then look for her at the munch coming up next month. I didn't pay enough attention to know if she had been at last month's.

*Sigh* It is with a heavy heart that I admit - people are stupid. Not just stupid but fucking stupid. At one point during class I wanted to stand up and yell 'move on people, you think he is beating her well it is consensual - she loves it - move on' and why do they all assume the D is a man? Men need to get over themselves. Maybe you need to get more in depth on this topic in class, if they knew the amount paperwork involved in these relationships they would shut up. Contracts, limits, safe words - pain sluts love pain, move along now. I know myself well enough to know I am not a pain slut. I do admit I love the feel the crop on my ass and the flogger as it licks at my thighs but the cane is too much for me unless it is harsh punishment and never a cat o' nine. Many people I am sure do not find that sexual or sensual but I find it to be both. A good Dom can place a flogger stroke with such precision that it wraps around the torso almost in an embrace.

I think I am an anomaly. Even though I am a submissive I still want to have that connection with someone that is something more than just physical. I guess I want it all - someone to love and the BDSM lifestyle. I know it will be very hard to achieve but not impossible. I know a few couples who make it work. Will I really have to give up part of who I am at some point? Is it that unrealistic to say I want both or to hope that I can find a husband and Dom in one man? People seem to think so but I hope not. I don't want to settle for less, I think I deserve it. Happiness.

I understood what she meant about the sexual and sensual side of flogging someone. The way they would arch into the strike and accept it with a moan, it can be a very sensual experience. I didn't know much about this woman but I had a feeling that our limits would be a pretty close match. I needed to find out who she was.

You make valid points and I agree most of the comments in class come from a lack of information. But it is up to them to go and discover if this is something they want for themselves. You will always encounter people who don't understand, learn to not let it bother you. It is not unrealistic to want one man to fulfill both needs, keep looking do not settle. Settling will not ensure your happiness and I think you deserve it too.

I read the rest of the journals and one caught my attention. It was written by a male and he mentioned a woman in the class that seemed opinionated but shy because she didn't voice them even though you could see she wanted to. I began to wonder if he was talking about my #57 and I was starting to think of her as mine.

I once again sat the journals on the table with 57's on the bottom of a stack and after the morning class it was still there. I felt pretty sure she was in the afternoon class. I made a note of the 5 women in the morning class I felt 57 could be but decided to concentrate on my afternoon class. As the students were filing up to pick up their journals Tanya Denali pulled me into a conversation trying to hit on me again. I only half listened to her as I paid attention to who was left in the room. I wasn't able to see who picked it up as there were 10 students looking at the journals but when I noticed it missing there were only brunettes left in the room. I had narrowed it down to 2 women. I needed to find out what I could about them to figure out who #57 was. I couldn't place a name with either face so I decided I would start there.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters.

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A/N: I had the journal entries in another font that FF didn't support so I put them in italics now. I also revised Chapter 1 to show this. Thanks for being patient.