Chapter 3

The past month had been interesting in and out of class. In class we had been discussing anatomy, masturbation and self gratification. The discussion had turned lively a few times when we were discussing erogenous zones and how much to guide your lover to what you like. I assumed everyone would touch on those discussions in their journals. Some people were all for telling a person exactly what you wanted in bed and others felt that it should be a journey of discovery. Ms. Denali made it a point to ask me which I preferred, I didn't answer her but thought she wouldn't be able to handle me if I was being vanilla, to see me as a Dom would scare her off sex forever.

There wasn't assigned seating in either class so I tried listening to the other students. I figured out one was Angela Weber first. I heard someone call her name and I verified she was the only Angela in either class. Looking around I realized there were two brunettes left that I didn't know there names, one I had already ruled out because she was very forward but I refused to cross her off totally until I knew her name. That meant the other brunette who could be my 57 was either Jessica Stanley or Isabella Swan.

When I went to this month's munch I saw the one that I didn't think was # 57 as soon as I walked in and she was as forward as ever. Her eyes went wide when she saw me and I knew what would be in her next journal so I didn't bother introducing myself to her. I was sure she would tell everyone she knew how her Human Sexuality professor was into BDSM, this was one of the misfortunes of being in the community and teaching at the university. The rules clearly stated she should keep her mouth shut but she was too excited at seeing me to do that, I silently prayed she didn't blurt it out in the middle of the next class. I had been mingling for two hours and was on my way out when I saw the one I hoped was 57. She was gorgeous and I watched the crowd as she walked through and approached a table of subs. Several people looked shocked to see her, they obviously knew her somehow and I heard several people welcome her back. How had I never seen her before?

If I was honest I didn't truly notice her until I started looking for #57. She sat in the back of the lecture hall, kept to herself behind her laptop and in hindsight I can say probably did what she could to remain in the background and still observe everything. In class she didn't dress anything like she was now. For class it was sweats or jeans and a large hoodie and I realized that was another way she took the focus off of herself in class. Now she was still dressed modestly in a mini skirt and lovely deep blue blouse that looked wonderful against her pale skin and chestnut hair. Her hair, that was different also. In class she always wore it up with a pencil or two sticking out and she also wore glasses. Now her hair was down, in loose curls that looked to almost touch her hips and no glasses. If I had not been paying such close attention in class trying to figure out who 57 was I never would have believed they were the same woman.

I moved to a corner where I could watch her interactions without her knowledge and I did watch her for over an hour. She was lovely. As I watched her conversations with other subs and Dom's I picked up on things she had written in her journals. The way friends influenced our sexuality. She was a very sensual, sexual person without even trying to be. The way her hand would touch someone's shoulder as she spoke if she walked up behind them, the way her fingers lingered on the hand of a friend that looked upset during a conversation and the subtle way her demeanor shifted when she spoke to a Dom. I watched her work her way through the crowd being patient with newbies that seemed to genuinely want more information about the lifestyle versus the ones who appeared to just have a weird curiosity about things. I wasn't surprised by her observations, her journals showed how observant she was and how well she read people. For someone who only had one D/s relationship and not a good one I was surprise at how at ease she was specifically with these people. She had been around someone of these people a while to be this comfortable. Why hadn't I noticed her before?

Now that I knew who she was I seemed to notice her everywhere, I literally ran into her coming out of the music store one day, knocking her down. When she took my offered hand to help her stand I felt an electric shock and jumped back, dropping her on her ass again. I just looked at her then turned and walked away. Way to go douche bag I scolded myself later but I have never had that reaction to a woman before that is why I acted that way but my subconscious wouldn't let he off the hook that easily, keep telling yourself that buddy is what it was saying. She continued to star in my fantasies but was no longer faceless. The dreams seemed so real as I imagined her touching my body with the casual touches I had seen her give others. I also learned to sleep with a towel close to my bed if I didn't want to change my sheets every morning.

Towards the end of the month my dreams changed subtly. They were still very sexually explicit but instead of starting out that way they now started with us at dinner or sitting and talking on my couch. As I observed her more I found myself guessing about her personality, what she liked to read, the music she liked, the movies and I wanted to know those things about her. My need to know her mind was almost as arousing as my need to know her body. Never in my 34 years had I felt so attuned to another human being.

The day arrived to hand in the journals and the forward one I had seen at the munch made it a point of letting know which one was hers. I was right she was not my #57. I didn't see Isabella put hers in the stack but I knew it would be there when I took them home for the weekend. As I had done before I planned on using her journal to break up the mind numbing crap the other students wrote about. If I less ethical I would skip some journals altogether but I couldn't in good conscious do that. After reading 30 journals about how many times they could get themselves or their partners off without having intercourse and how only they where able to unlock the mysteries of the male/female body and only they could make someone respond that way I found myself reaching for #57. It never ceased to amaze me how each year those students thought they were the one that knew everything and did it best. Ah to have the arrogance of youth.

I remember that in the September entries you asked if I was really 22, the answer is yes but listening to people in class I am beginning to think they are 12. Do they really believe they know everything there is to know about the opposite sex? Today I wanted to stand up and do my best reenactment of the fake orgasm scene in 'When Harry met Sally' just to shut Newton up but knowing him, he would add it to his spank bank material and that is just wrong. They have no idea what they are doing. With a guy it is pretty obvious if they get off or not and most of the time it is easier to get them off too. But have they ever paid enough attention to a partner to take them to the edge and keep them there? Never doing that one little thing that will send them flying over the edge. Maybe it is using your teeth or tugging his balls or running a finger over his tight hole. Do they know these things? For him, it was when I took him deep in my throat and then swallowed, squeezing him tightly. It didn't matter if I had been working him for 30 minutes or 30 seconds, that move would make him cum every time. As much as I loved knowing that about him, I miss knowing that about someone now.

How many of them have gotten a woman off without every having intercourse or penetration of any kind? Have they ever made a person orgasm just by touching or rubbing or nipple stimulation? Have they ever had someone so in tune with their body that when the command is given to cum the person does just by the sound of their voice? That is when you know the sex is great. I miss having someone know those things about me. I want someone to know where to touch and licked and bite to get me so worked up that I am begging to cum and when the command is given it happens just by the sound of his voice.

I'm sure they haven't because that would mean focusing on something other than their needs and what they want. I pity their future spouses and partners unless they realize that sex isn't only about them. Not good sex anyway.

I knew the day she was talking about, Newton was speaking about how no woman had ever faked an orgasm on him and if they did he would know. Jessica Stanley put him in his place by saying she had faked when they were together and that ended the conversation. As much as I would have liked to have seen Isabella even faking an orgasm I am sure, had she done it, I would have cum in my pants instantly. The fact that she could cum on command was enough to give me a chubby. I wanted to give her what she was missing, in both ways, what she missed giving and receiving.

I had been with subs that could cum on command but not just by my voice, no matter how ready they were. I didn't know if I had one thing that would me cum every time, no woman knew me well enough to discover that and I found I wished I knew the answer myself. I found myself missing a connection I had never experienced but I wanted to, badly, with Isabella.

I met a man. That's not true, for a few years now I have seen this man around every now and then and something about him always captured my attention. Something about the way he moved drew me in. This man is the reason I am willing to try again. He seems like a good man and I want a good man in my life. This year I learned his name and see him much more often and find myself drawn to him more and more. His nervous habits, his voice, his hands, I find myself fantasying about his hands on me. Something tells me he would know the exact pressure to make me giggle and the one that would make me moan. He is a stickler for detail. I notice these things about him. He has never, not once noticed me. It is a reality check and ego deflator to be so aware of someone who looks right through you.

Talking about anatomy and the way the body reacts to stimuli is what turned my mind to this man. I feel him when he is near by, when he speaks I become so aroused I have to change my panties and I have cum hard from imaging what it would be like if he ever touched me. Why or better yet how can my body react so strongly to someone who doesn't even know I am alive.

What the fuck? She met someone? This is bad, very bad and how can he not know she exists. Have I lost her before I ever had a chance with her? As I continue to read her entry I find this unacceptable. I decide as long as she isn't collared I will pursue her.

I always wondered if I reacted the way I do because my body recognized his dominant traits, then I saw him a few weeks ago at a meeting. I don't think he noticed me then either but I knew the second we were in the same room, my body reacted. I went home that evening and used my double to give myself one of my most powerful orgasms ever while imagining him ordering me to cum only to fill empty afterwards. How can someone who has no clue how I feel affect me so much, it scares me. I can't allow myself to be in a power exchange that is so one sided again - I don't think I would get out in one piece this time. But there is a part of me that can't help but wonder if he affects me this much now how wonderful it would be to belong to him. I think he could fill what I feel I am missing.

I had no idea what to say. Of course she would want another D/s relationship, being a submissive is who she was and she would only be able to ignore her nature for so long. On the other hand I understood her being hesitant. Was it wrong of me to want encourage her to try another D/s relationship while trying to discourage her from trying with the man she met. Probably but I wanted to know her, something told me she would be the more I am looking for and I am not willing to just let her walk away from me.

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want out of a relationship and then holding out for it. The others who are enjoying the instant gratification of sex may one day regret acting that way or they may not understand until they have to explain their actions to someone important in their lives. Others will always live that life and never know what they are missing out on. Don't judge the man too harshly. Maybe there are things in his life that keep him from noticing what is around him. Maybe he isn't ready for you as you feel ready for him. When he does notice and I assure you he will, that is the moment you will either decide he was worth waiting for or move on. You are very in touch with your body and your feelings, trust yourself to make the right choice.

I read over my note to make sure it was encouraging enough while hoping the man was an idiot, giving me the chance I wanted to have with her. I put her journal down, deciding to save the last two entries until tomorrow. I would read some of the others and use hers again for the break I knew I would need.

I dreamt of Isabella. I was pistoning in and out of her and she loved it. She was begging to cum and god but she was hot and wet. I finally gave her permission to cum when I felt my balls tighten. I woke up to her screaming 'Master' and me humping my bed cumming all over my sheets. If a dream did that to me then fuck how good would it be when I actually had her. And I would have her. I was not going to allow some random man to take her from me.

Sunday I made it through 40 journals before I reached for my 57's.I had just finished reading the one by the man I thought was talking about Isabella. I was almost positive now it was her he was dreaming about, he described her to a tee. It made me laugh that he was upset because she ignored him, he had no idea how to get her attention and hopefully by the time he figured it out it would be too late.

Masturbation...the guys in class love to talk about it and how often they do it, so why is it so many of them are scared to have a woman see them do it? Are they worried they aren't doing it right? Do they think she will think he is too small? They do not understand that in some ways watching a man 'spank the monkey', as I believe Yorkie put it, is a huge turn on. I used to love to watch him do it and I could never keep from touching myself also.

Him? Did she mean Yorkie? Please don't let her have had sex with that tool.

I think we fueled each others passion when we watched the other. Let me say I love giving head and I know it is something I am great at. The sounds made when the vein is licked with a flat tongue, the whimper that is given when lips are wrapped around only the head and the deep moan that is emitted when his cock was swallowed whole and rubbing my throat muscles. But the best for me and him was taking his whole cock and then swallowing as he was cumming, to literally feel my throat muscles milking the cum from him. My head held tight against him as he allowed me to have his cum. I still remember his taste. I love it so much and am good at it because he took the time to teach me how to touch him and I taught him how to touch me. I mean when you are discovering sex who knows your body better than you? Maybe we weren't self conscious because neither of us knew what we were doing but learning was a lot of fun. I miss him still.

She is talking about the boyfriend that died.

For two years masturbation or toys were the only sexual contact I had, is that bad? It wasn't nearly has satisfying and I found myself missing the skin-to-skin contact rather than the mind blowing orgasms. After I extricated myself from the BDSM gone wrong masturbation was a god send. I don't think I could have stood anyone touching me at that point and I haven't wanted that for a long time.

But...I want him to touch me...the man who doesn't see me. Now when I use my fingers I find myself wishing they were his and he has looonng fingers, I bet they could hit my sweet spot and then some. I spent an entire hour studying his fingers one day. With hands like that I bet his penis is big too. The woman that tells you size doesn't matter is lying.

Where could she have been that she had an hour to study some guy's fingers? She says he doesn't notice her but if she spent an hour looking at him he would definitely notice. So for whatever reason she is suppose to be looking at him. Is he a student, TA, professor and how do I find out? What other scenario could she study someone for an hour and not be called out on it except in a classroom?

Some men are hyper aware of their size and get performance anxiety especially if they have had a bad experience in the past with a girl watching them. But I agree with you that in the right environment the best way to learn to please your partner is to watch how they please themselves. Good observations.

She has mentioned in passing a few times about a relationship gone bad and I wondered how she would be next month when he talked about sexual relationships. Pleasing a partner, same sex relationships and how religion approaches sex and when sex is used as a weapon or punishment in the form of withholding sex. I hope she will open up about the bad relationship so I have some idea of what I will be up against when I finally talk to her.

How can people be so clueless as to not realize that when you have sex so you can get off and not care about the person you are with - that is a form of self gratification, in my book at least. I am done talking about this subject. How do you tolerate unwanted advances? Or maybe they aren't unwanted? Just know that Tanya is dirty, she has given guys - stuff. Wrap your shit if that is what you like, I'd wrap it twice. Same does for Stanley and Malloy - very dirty and not in a good way. Sorry, not my business.

He must know I exist on some level, he literally ran into me and helped me up and then looked at me as if he couldn't get away fast enough. That hurt a little. Me? I felt a jolt, more than a spark of electricity run through me. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and yell to the world he was mine then I saw the look on his face and well, like I said it hurt - maybe more than a little. I still see him, he still visits me in my dreams and even after physical contact, he doesn't see me.

Friends say give up on this, you can have anyone you want but the fact is I can't. I can't live a vanilla life forever and generally when people find out what I do like, they think it is all just kinky sex. They don't understand it is a way of life. The fact that I need a Dom narrows the field down to almost nothing, my age works against me as I don't want a 50 year old Dom. I found someone about 10 years older than me and I am attracted to this man in a way that I haven't been to anyone since him and yet, he, the man, doesn't see me.

Maybe he doesn't think I am into the lifestyle, people are surprised to find out I am. Maybe it is because I am a student or that could be wishful thinking on my part. Maybe I am not his type, the blondes seem to flock to him. I don't know but I am beginning to think for my own sanity I need to give up my obsession with him. It would be easier if I didn't have such a vivid imagination concerning him. When I dream I swear it is almost as if I can feel him pulling my hair as he thrust into me from behind or the flogger as he strikes my ass calling me his needy bitch because I am begging for his cock. I can feel his cock as he moves in me in my dreams and I have never felt so full. I would stay with him forever if he would allow it.

My time grows short when I see him as often as I have these past months. Then what happens to my obsession? How do I get my fix? Told you I was weird.

I read over her entry again and was still shocked. The information about Tanya and the others did not surprise me. The more I read the more I began to wonder if she was talking about me, running into her, the jolt of electricity and I did run from her but I didn't mean to hurt her feelings in any way. When she mentioned about being a student I knew she was talking about one of her professors. Could it be me? If it was me she was being very subtle about it. Then I realized that would be her nature, to avoid making me uncomfortable she was being subtle. Maybe I wasn't supposed to figure it out or maybe it wasn't me at all. I wanted the man to be me.

Thank you for the warning, although I would never touch them anyway. Definitely unwanted advances. I understand about not being able to have anyone you want because of your lifestyle choice, it does narrow down the choices but as you said it is who you are and you must work within that. Are you sure he doesn't notice you? Maybe it is because you are a student? Maybe he doesn't know how to approach you? Maybe he dreams of you too. As I have said before, don't settle. Hold out for what you want and you are not weird. From what you have expressed I would say it is not so much an obsession as a longing.

Dream of her I did that night. In my dreams I fucked her mouth before tying her to my cross and flogging her pale skin pink. I dreamed of her begging me to let her cum as I fucked her hard and pulled on her nipple clamps. In my dreams she came so hard she almost forced me from her body as she rode me reverse cowgirl and I played with her anal plug. In my dream and reality I had never cum that hard in my life and I immediately wanted to do it again. What the hell was Isabella Swan doing to me? I felt more sated after a wet dream about her than I had after many actual sexual encounters with others. I instinctually knew she would love everything we did in my dreams and I was positive her reactions would be the same. She wasn't the only one intensely studying a person.

The next afternoon as I sat the journals on the table I refused to be deterred from what I wanted to know. I needed actual confirmation that Isabella Swan was my 57. I wanted to see her with her journal. Ms. Denali tried to talk to me again and I ignored her. I did not want what she was offering and if her journal was any indication Isabella was right, she was more than likely very dirty, in a bad way. As she came forward I watched intently as she picked up #57. Yes, my #57 was Isabella Swan, now I needed to make her my Isabella.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters.

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